I hate.
I can't make decisions.
I envy, I get jealous, I'm selfish.
He looks like he has everything, he makes it out to seem like he has nothing.
I understand...I hope.
I want my best friend more than I want a girl. This is true. I just wish my best friend could see he has the resources to get most girls. He doesn't believe in himself. It's frustrating to say the least. I rarely seem to get the chance to talk to the girl, let along get a girl by herself. I have no money, I have no car, I have no job, to myself I have no looks, and I've even started to doubt my humor, the one thing I've valued my entire life. He's got a car, a job (therefore money if he learned how to manage it), girls typically seem to like him, he's just fucking oblivious, and he's got humor.
I haven't been kissed in 9 months. Why does this bother me so? It didn't bother me before, now it does.
I haven't had a real date in...hmm..maybe a year and a half?
Oh sure, I've had sex. I've fallen into it, every single time. It just happens, I get lucky with it sometimes. Those times are few and far between. I rarely...rarely get a date, or even the courage to ask someone out. I barely talk to girls. Even when I was scatter shotting on the dating site I never got a reply back, never a message. That's why these moments and these time lines are important to me.
From my perspective, he could improve his dating easily, he has the means with which to carry on a successful date at least. I'm at the point in life where I can't just ask a girl over to a movie after school because we're 15 and there is nothing to do. I'm supposed to be taking girls to fun places and shit. Shit I can't afford or take them to.
Is this random babbling? This blog is cathartic, sorry if I hurt you with the last post, I didn't want to write a soft core porn novel. I'm just trying to put what happened on solid (digitally) paper.
I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning since I read your post. Some of me really wants to just say fuck it, and most of me says what the fuck, you need him. I'm at internal conflict with myself.
I'm in the wrong. You've called dibs. But christ...ugh...I can't even say it, it's just impossible. Nothing is going to change. My lust fights a fruitless battle.
Why do I want to cry now? What would I even be crying over? Why am I a girl?
I haven't cried since...shit...it's been a while now hasn't it. Well I better keep the streak going then.
There will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important.
But she leans into me, she cuddles me, she wants me.
No, she doesn't, she hates you for all you know. She comes over to stare at you with those eyes, licks her lips with hatred, she is hating you to death.
Bros before Hoes.
Girls' shouldn't be able to do this. This is how fucking wars are started. This is ridiculous. How did this happen? It happened the same way with Cadie, it seemed like she was showing interest. Yes but she showed perceived interest in both of us, either she wants both of us, a threesome, or its a code cadie. But even cadie hasn't done the shit she's done. Well then fuck.
Bros before Hoes
and also with you.
I think I'm going insane. It's too early, I think I see the sun coming up. She's coming over. It will be a normal evening, and then I will never talk to her again I guess... what the fuck. This isn't a solution.
People need to make decisions, to be adults, we're older now. You're just not asking because you're afraid you won't get the answer you want. If everything doesn't go off without a hitch then I can't make a decision, it has to go perfect. I can't handle things. Life is hard. I don't understand. There will be other girls, your best friend is more important. Bros before hoes and also with you. amen.
I hope this all works out. I can't go back to that place.
Tuesday 27 December 2011
Sexual Frustration and the Bro Code
The door closes.
I breathe I sigh of relief. He's gone, there is a girl here. I'm pretty sure she wants my dick in or around her mouth.
I ask about the movie she wanted to bring over before, she came over on a whim and I thought she might have the foresight to bring it. She didn't; I decide to download it. In the meantime we'll play her video game that she left here last time.
I put the game in and sit down, she snuggles closely to me, leaning her head on my chest. I smell her hair, kiss her head.
"Not to sound creepy, but your hair smells nice"
"Thanks -looks up and smiles at me-"
I play the game. I ask her if she wants a turn, she takes it for a little bit and hands it back stating just mainly just likes to watch. Whatever. She snuggles in more, rubs my arm.
Inner Monologue: Is this wrong? I don't know. He said it was okay.
I notice the movie is done downloading, we start the movie. I lean more into the couch both to provide more slack to my pants and get my head closer to hers. The first bit is going good, we somehow find a way to get closer together. My inner voices quiet down, mutters about feelings and such, I know this isn't anything, right now it's lust, pure and simple. I make a joke about what's happening on the screen, I've seen the movie before. She looks up at me, smiles, looks down to my lips.
This is it. This is the kiss. Once the first step is done then I'm in the clear.
She closes her eyes, leans in ever so slightly.
You go 90, they go 10. It's the wrong order but I'll take it.
I start to lean in, voices boom louder, yelling, my feelings are still fighting on the battlefield. But the enemy's gate is down, and that's what really matters.
I can feel her breath on my lips when I hear the knocking. I knew I should have texted him. I should have told him to fuck off, that tonight was the fucking night where this dry spell finally goes away.
We both pull back, the moment is gone. A flashback from the night I got fired races back into my head as I stand up. This moment has played out before.
-flashback-
Calvin urges Natalie to come outside for a smoke, Brendyn is almost out the door. Natalie passes him a smoke and says she doesn't want one. They leave and the steps go outside. I hear their voices from the open window. Natalie looks at me.
"Finally they're gone." She smiles.
Christ, it's those eyes. They're so similar...fuck, no, I can't. I lick my lips, they're dry from alcohol, she licks hers. Oh fuck, oh fuck no, I can't do this. Bro code. The voices yell and scream "He fucked it up, your chance is now, take it!". I almost do, I lean forward ever so slightly and immediately pull out, I play it off as my drunken stupor even though right now I have never been more focused. She leans into me and puts her head on my shoulder. Motherfucker, why? Why couldn't this have happened when Calvin was cool with this, I asked you out forever ago, but now he's in love with you because you slept in his bed. You should have been sleeping in mine that night, Christ. This whole situation is fucked. I stop my arm involuntarily going over her as they both come back into the room. Calvin sits back down, puts his arm over her, hover handing it oblivious to what just happened in my head. I feel content in my drinking as I pound another test tube.
-end flashback-
I open the door, Brendyn is peering through the eye piece. For some reason I feel like snarling, it works for cats and dogs it should work for this, I stop myself. He takes a few steps in, sees Natalie.
"Oh you guys are busy I should leave"
Natalie and I look at each other, I look back to Brendyn. Everything, every single fiber of my being screams at me to tell Brendyn that yes, you should go and fuck yourself. But...I can't, I can't do this. I say "nah come in", even I can tell I'm saying it with false enthusiasm. He walks in, dumps his shit and starts yelling about what movie we're watching, for the next hour or so, it is nothing but fart jokes and loud obnoxious noises. I've never thought Brendyn to be this annoying, not only that, but this oblivious, take a hint and leave. Whenever he mentions he has to go, we both pipe up that he should do that now, or that he should go. Natalie took a particularly zealous stance on Brendyn leaving, which I thought was both nice and mean at the same time.
Finally, after being a constant nuisance he leaves.
We look at each other, thankful that he's gone. I hate and love myself again. This is weird play for my confidence. We play the video game again, the movie being long over and long ruined. Brendyn is not one to have around for a scary movie. She lies on me, her head almost in my crotch, my jeans block the erection from slapping her in the face. I giggle slightly.
I hear a buzzing. Shit, my dad is texting me.
I ask her to hand me my phone, not wanting her face to leave my crotch. I check my phone.
"Be there in 15"
Fuck me, Fuck Brendyn, Fuck my Dad, Fuck Calvin, Fuck everything about this. I can fuck everyone but Natalie can't I? God damn it.
I tell her I have to leave soon, she moans in agony.
"Whyyyyy?"
"I have to visit my family for christmas."
"Well we should set something up for after christmas."
"I should be back the 28th"
"Okay -smile- we can watch my other scary movies together."
I don't care what you just said Natalie, you're coming back, I'll be alone, everyone should be out of the house, finally no interruptions. Just pure simple lust and pleasure. Except no.
This battlefield is scarred, this battlefield is war torn and bodies litter the craters. The final bridge to be crossed is rigged to explode. I can't cross it, a small part of me wants to, lust is a fickle thing, but everything else wants that bridge to hold. I can't do it. I want to, but I can't. I've been thinking about it this whole time, the entire visit has been nothing but "I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th, I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th". We've been texting each other back and forth, asking about holidays, confirming the plans for the 28th. Everything is set to go.
Now word has come in from command that I am forbidden from what I've been desiring. I have to take that command, despite what I may want, I have to take it.
I breathe I sigh of relief. He's gone, there is a girl here. I'm pretty sure she wants my dick in or around her mouth.
I ask about the movie she wanted to bring over before, she came over on a whim and I thought she might have the foresight to bring it. She didn't; I decide to download it. In the meantime we'll play her video game that she left here last time.
I put the game in and sit down, she snuggles closely to me, leaning her head on my chest. I smell her hair, kiss her head.
"Not to sound creepy, but your hair smells nice"
"Thanks -looks up and smiles at me-"
I play the game. I ask her if she wants a turn, she takes it for a little bit and hands it back stating just mainly just likes to watch. Whatever. She snuggles in more, rubs my arm.
Inner Monologue: Is this wrong? I don't know. He said it was okay.
I notice the movie is done downloading, we start the movie. I lean more into the couch both to provide more slack to my pants and get my head closer to hers. The first bit is going good, we somehow find a way to get closer together. My inner voices quiet down, mutters about feelings and such, I know this isn't anything, right now it's lust, pure and simple. I make a joke about what's happening on the screen, I've seen the movie before. She looks up at me, smiles, looks down to my lips.
This is it. This is the kiss. Once the first step is done then I'm in the clear.
She closes her eyes, leans in ever so slightly.
You go 90, they go 10. It's the wrong order but I'll take it.
I start to lean in, voices boom louder, yelling, my feelings are still fighting on the battlefield. But the enemy's gate is down, and that's what really matters.
I can feel her breath on my lips when I hear the knocking. I knew I should have texted him. I should have told him to fuck off, that tonight was the fucking night where this dry spell finally goes away.
We both pull back, the moment is gone. A flashback from the night I got fired races back into my head as I stand up. This moment has played out before.
-flashback-
Calvin urges Natalie to come outside for a smoke, Brendyn is almost out the door. Natalie passes him a smoke and says she doesn't want one. They leave and the steps go outside. I hear their voices from the open window. Natalie looks at me.
"Finally they're gone." She smiles.
Christ, it's those eyes. They're so similar...fuck, no, I can't. I lick my lips, they're dry from alcohol, she licks hers. Oh fuck, oh fuck no, I can't do this. Bro code. The voices yell and scream "He fucked it up, your chance is now, take it!". I almost do, I lean forward ever so slightly and immediately pull out, I play it off as my drunken stupor even though right now I have never been more focused. She leans into me and puts her head on my shoulder. Motherfucker, why? Why couldn't this have happened when Calvin was cool with this, I asked you out forever ago, but now he's in love with you because you slept in his bed. You should have been sleeping in mine that night, Christ. This whole situation is fucked. I stop my arm involuntarily going over her as they both come back into the room. Calvin sits back down, puts his arm over her, hover handing it oblivious to what just happened in my head. I feel content in my drinking as I pound another test tube.
-end flashback-
I open the door, Brendyn is peering through the eye piece. For some reason I feel like snarling, it works for cats and dogs it should work for this, I stop myself. He takes a few steps in, sees Natalie.
"Oh you guys are busy I should leave"
Natalie and I look at each other, I look back to Brendyn. Everything, every single fiber of my being screams at me to tell Brendyn that yes, you should go and fuck yourself. But...I can't, I can't do this. I say "nah come in", even I can tell I'm saying it with false enthusiasm. He walks in, dumps his shit and starts yelling about what movie we're watching, for the next hour or so, it is nothing but fart jokes and loud obnoxious noises. I've never thought Brendyn to be this annoying, not only that, but this oblivious, take a hint and leave. Whenever he mentions he has to go, we both pipe up that he should do that now, or that he should go. Natalie took a particularly zealous stance on Brendyn leaving, which I thought was both nice and mean at the same time.
Finally, after being a constant nuisance he leaves.
We look at each other, thankful that he's gone. I hate and love myself again. This is weird play for my confidence. We play the video game again, the movie being long over and long ruined. Brendyn is not one to have around for a scary movie. She lies on me, her head almost in my crotch, my jeans block the erection from slapping her in the face. I giggle slightly.
I hear a buzzing. Shit, my dad is texting me.
I ask her to hand me my phone, not wanting her face to leave my crotch. I check my phone.
"Be there in 15"
Fuck me, Fuck Brendyn, Fuck my Dad, Fuck Calvin, Fuck everything about this. I can fuck everyone but Natalie can't I? God damn it.
I tell her I have to leave soon, she moans in agony.
"Whyyyyy?"
"I have to visit my family for christmas."
"Well we should set something up for after christmas."
"I should be back the 28th"
"Okay -smile- we can watch my other scary movies together."
I don't care what you just said Natalie, you're coming back, I'll be alone, everyone should be out of the house, finally no interruptions. Just pure simple lust and pleasure. Except no.
This battlefield is scarred, this battlefield is war torn and bodies litter the craters. The final bridge to be crossed is rigged to explode. I can't cross it, a small part of me wants to, lust is a fickle thing, but everything else wants that bridge to hold. I can't do it. I want to, but I can't. I've been thinking about it this whole time, the entire visit has been nothing but "I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th, I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th". We've been texting each other back and forth, asking about holidays, confirming the plans for the 28th. Everything is set to go.
Now word has come in from command that I am forbidden from what I've been desiring. I have to take that command, despite what I may want, I have to take it.
Friday 23 December 2011
Dude there's two posts, I just figured this one shouldn't be with the other one.
Jerry I have to talk to you about something. I think I've become attracted to Elaine.
Fuck my life, I was going to talk to you about this today. Then stupid ass Brendyn walked in.
We now officially both have a crush on the same girl, I don't know how the fuck it happened. I tried to stop this shit, it's against bro code.
I don't know how to just drop it, you're floundering about with your feelings towards her, one minute you want her, the other you want to forget. How do I deal with that. Should I tell you to pursue something that may or may not be there, because it seems like she acts like that towards both of us.
Maybe we have a code Cadie, she's just a flirty hoe. Could that be it? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Argh, I need to talk to you in person, I can't just put it all out here.
I almost kissed her last night and I fucking stopped my drunk self. I needed to talk to you before anything. I need to know how you feel, because I'm not going to betray your trust again. I value that shit, I'm your best friend, you're my best friend. I feel like I'm typing out a drunk heart to heart, yet I'm sober...weird.
I'm used to developing hard and fast crushes and I figured this was going to end up happening, I actually tried my best to stop this from developing, but fuck, I envy your previous invincibility to stuff like this. Seriously we need to talk, Bros before Hoes. I'll do whatever you need done. I just need to know how you feel so I know what to do. I'm sorry, I feel like I've already just caused a third betrayal in your mind and that fucking scares me because I need you...no homo.
Fuck my life, I was going to talk to you about this today. Then stupid ass Brendyn walked in.
We now officially both have a crush on the same girl, I don't know how the fuck it happened. I tried to stop this shit, it's against bro code.
I don't know how to just drop it, you're floundering about with your feelings towards her, one minute you want her, the other you want to forget. How do I deal with that. Should I tell you to pursue something that may or may not be there, because it seems like she acts like that towards both of us.
Maybe we have a code Cadie, she's just a flirty hoe. Could that be it? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Argh, I need to talk to you in person, I can't just put it all out here.
I almost kissed her last night and I fucking stopped my drunk self. I needed to talk to you before anything. I need to know how you feel, because I'm not going to betray your trust again. I value that shit, I'm your best friend, you're my best friend. I feel like I'm typing out a drunk heart to heart, yet I'm sober...weird.
I'm used to developing hard and fast crushes and I figured this was going to end up happening, I actually tried my best to stop this from developing, but fuck, I envy your previous invincibility to stuff like this. Seriously we need to talk, Bros before Hoes. I'll do whatever you need done. I just need to know how you feel so I know what to do. I'm sorry, I feel like I've already just caused a third betrayal in your mind and that fucking scares me because I need you...no homo.
Lets see if I can't catch everybody up here.
First things first, the job. Yeah, I had a job. "Had" being the key word here.
The Interview:
I walk in, smile and nod. I say hello, did you get a chance to look at my resume? Oh you didn't, I give a look of desperate dejection, he seems solemn. I think I'm in. He brings me to the back office. It is very cluttered and unorganized, I know he doesn't have his shit together, he's new to this just as I'm new to this. He tells me to sit down as he sits in his $20 dollar office chair that strains to hold it's own weight. I look around confused, there are no other chairs in sight, I flip over a sturdy looking box and sit on that. I can feel my knees strain as I try to put more weight on them than the box. He quickly looks over my resume, enough to look like he's reading it, but not enough to make it believable. I know I'm pretty much hired already, they're a new store, he's a new boss, and I'm the optimistic kid who walked into his store on opening day and asked if they were hiring. I followed up, I was friendly, it's perfect.
He clicks his mouse, I glance over at his computer. It's a script. This is good, this is officially practice for both of us, he doesn't know what he's doing and neither do I. He asks a few questions, I stumble through, I make something up about having to help customers at Canadian Tire. I don't mention the fact I have never worked a cash register in my life or that I never dealt with customers. He talks about shifts with me, I tell him that I'll be going to school so I will probably be working evening shifts (i.e 7 to 12). He seems cool with that. Okay, I think this is going good. He tells me about other people he's had, talks about him shelling out money for training and then them just ditching him. At first I think why would those people do that, that's a dick move; I'll realize later its the right move. He continues on. He mentions unpaid training. I nod my head, I could do that for a bit, I need to train anyway, I've never done this. I however know that unpaid training is most definitely wrong. Either way I need the job so whatever. I'm hired, he says to come Friday night at 6pm.
The First Night:
I walk in, take the headphones out of my ears and walk up to him. He asks me where I've been, he knows he told me to come at 4pm. He seems mad. Well fuck you, I'm here on time, tell me what to do. He brings me to the back. I sit down at the computer as he sets up the training, it's just like Canadian Tire. Do some computer learning stuff and then go do your job. I take my time, I legitimately don't know any of this stuff, and these final tests require basically 100%. He comes in 10 minutes later: are you done yet? ...No? Okay okay, but go faster.
I stifle anger. I anger quickly I notice. I continue, moving faster, skimming more, retaining less. I fail the final test a few times and then finally get it. I'm visibly frustrated already, the voices in my head are yelling at me because I couldn't answer the simple questions and that I'm not moving fast enough. I blow through the next one, it's WHMIS, I've done it a million times by now. 60% try again. I clench and unclench my fists. He comes in again: Done yet? I check the clock, it's been 5 minutes since the last visit. No, I'm still on this one.
He sits down next to me, he brings out his new laptop and begins to surf the web. Clearly he wants me out so I don't notice his random bullshit. He talks to me about inane shit, I try my best to carry a conversation and keep in good humor. Sadly he doesn't understand sarcasm so I think I've made him sort of angry. Great. I try to read the training sessions and go faster. He keeps talking, I can't think, the voices in my head get louder.
There is a knock at the door. It's his brother, they get to talking, my boss mentions I'm going to be a doctor; I just happened to mention that during the interview. They ask me about that, I feel obligated to explain and respond, I'm multitasking that with the learning, I fail another test. A nervous tick appears, I spin my wrist to try and crack it because the mouse is ever so slightly too high. I focus on the pain, the voices boom in my head.
Finally they leave, he says to hurry and he'll be back to check in soon. Everything goes quiet. Peace. I read the training, I do the exams, 100%. I breathe. He comes back, asks how I'm doing I say I'm done. He asks what took so long. I don't answer and follow him to the cash, his sister will be training me. He leaves. I shut my eyes and breathe a bit. I already want to go home. His sister treats me well, allows me to learn the machine first, I quickly understand the keys and how to handle everything. A few pieces here and there that rarely come up I still have trouble with but I manage. She has been taking care of the Customer Service area, she chats up the customer while I handle cash. I enjoy this.
She asks a customer "Is this your first time?". It's a male customer, I look at him, he looks at me, we both look back to his friend who is waiting for him. We all share an understanding, subtle smiles all around. He responds in a normal way and they leave snickering. The store is empty, I remember the awkward moments of stifled laughter with Calvin and burst into laughter. She asks me whats wrong, I try to explain how her innocent comment could be and was taken in a dirty sense. She looks disgusted with herself, their grasp of English seems limited, maybe that's why the sarcasm bounces off.
The store is dead, most of my training shift is taken up with talking to her. She's nice, shy, smart. She's into the liberal arts, wants to be a teacher. I discuss school and friendships with her. The clock hits 11pm and I walk home.
The Second Night:
I start walking, the shift was fun, I could see doing this more. I walk into the store, she's there again. I smile, we work for a bit, store's still dead and we get to talking most of the time again. A man walks in, I saw him before, he's supposed to be working here as well. He asks about his training shift and I say he can take mine cause fuck it I know what I'm doing. I walk home after 2 hours of work, happy to be out of there.
The Day Shifts:They tell me to come in the morning, to see how I handle a busy shift. Okay I guess, I told them I could only work the evening shifts but it's training what do I care. I stay for an hour with the boss. I ask for some clarifications on some of the transactions. He flips out and asks why I don't know how to do a specific thing. I stifle the urge. I make up an excuse to leave, say my dad needs me in Napanee and that he's at my apartment. I leave.
I walk the next day for another morning shift, I give my excuse early this time. My mom is meeting me for something we planned and I completely forgot about it, I can only stay for a little bit. He seems a little pissed but not furious. I stay for a little bit, a black guy with dirty dreads and fucked up teeth shows up. He mumbles something at me, something about being here for a thing. I look at the boss. I have no idea what he's talking about. The boss tells me to handle it, I ask the dude what he needs, he points at a blue folder on the table. I give it to him, double check with the boss to make sure. "He's not gonna bite man", I know that, I'm not racist. It's your business, handle the business why don't you. Do you trust the training guy who's been here about 3 days to handle something I assume is important.
The black guy leaves with the folder. 5 seconds later the boss yells at me. WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO I FORGOT THE BLUE SLIPS! I run outside and catch up with the guy, he comes back and the boss gives him the stuff. I nod at the black guy and he nods at me as he leaves. The boss belittles me a little more and I take this as my moment to leave. He tells me I should come back later that evening to train some more. I say sure because his sister will be working that shift, at least she's fucking peaceful. The walk home ends up with me homeless ranting, yelling in the street, I take the back alleys to avoid being seen or heard.
The Evening Shift:
I come back. I talk to the sister about the boss, she seems to empathize with me she mentions that the boss is going to be giving me mostly nights shifts during the week. I freak out, I remember clearly telling him I can't do that, I have school soon and that he can't expect me to work that. I make it through the shift, learning more about the pleasantries of customer service. I fume a bit inside my heads, the voices steadily growing into a rumble of noise. I make it to the end, the night shift guy comes in. He seems very...inbred. I say hi, he mumbles a bit. Okay whatever, he's night shift, why do I care. I walk home yelling and screaming to system to whole way.
The Next Morning
I receive a call from the boss. He asks if I'm stealing from him. "What?". Next he tells me to come in that night, okay fine. I'm fuming, why the fuck would I steal. I come in that night. I stand behind the cash, I'm very clearly visibly angry. I don't like being accused of something I didn't do. He calls me into his office while his sister takes the cash. He asks me whats wrong, I tell him that this whole unpaid training thing is getting to me, I know that the franchise is supposed to be paying our training wages, I know that you can't even have unpaid training, I know that he's making an ass load of money. I know all of these things, I just want to be paid for the hours I'm working. Not only that but I'm not enjoying being treated like I don't know shit and being accused of stealing shit. I tell him all of this. He responds, "Fine, I'll pay you the training hours, but you're not working here anymore". Fine, fuck this, fuck you, you treat your employees like shit anyway. You were bitching to me about how the night shift guy wants overtime, you bragged about how your workers will still work the holidays even if you don't give them holiday pay, you accused me of stealing from you. SO GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THE BIGGEST PINEAPPLE YOU CAN FIND.
We discuss the hours I worked, I embellish my hours by a bit. He can't touch me, he knows he's in the wrong, I'm essentially blackmailing him. I end up with a little over 150 bucks (he took off some money for pants he bought me as part of the uniform). It's not a lot, but it should be enough to save us this month. For right now, that's all that counts. It's all I care about.
-Dismiss Authority, Know You're Right, Acquire Cash.
The Interview:
I walk in, smile and nod. I say hello, did you get a chance to look at my resume? Oh you didn't, I give a look of desperate dejection, he seems solemn. I think I'm in. He brings me to the back office. It is very cluttered and unorganized, I know he doesn't have his shit together, he's new to this just as I'm new to this. He tells me to sit down as he sits in his $20 dollar office chair that strains to hold it's own weight. I look around confused, there are no other chairs in sight, I flip over a sturdy looking box and sit on that. I can feel my knees strain as I try to put more weight on them than the box. He quickly looks over my resume, enough to look like he's reading it, but not enough to make it believable. I know I'm pretty much hired already, they're a new store, he's a new boss, and I'm the optimistic kid who walked into his store on opening day and asked if they were hiring. I followed up, I was friendly, it's perfect.
He clicks his mouse, I glance over at his computer. It's a script. This is good, this is officially practice for both of us, he doesn't know what he's doing and neither do I. He asks a few questions, I stumble through, I make something up about having to help customers at Canadian Tire. I don't mention the fact I have never worked a cash register in my life or that I never dealt with customers. He talks about shifts with me, I tell him that I'll be going to school so I will probably be working evening shifts (i.e 7 to 12). He seems cool with that. Okay, I think this is going good. He tells me about other people he's had, talks about him shelling out money for training and then them just ditching him. At first I think why would those people do that, that's a dick move; I'll realize later its the right move. He continues on. He mentions unpaid training. I nod my head, I could do that for a bit, I need to train anyway, I've never done this. I however know that unpaid training is most definitely wrong. Either way I need the job so whatever. I'm hired, he says to come Friday night at 6pm.
The First Night:
I walk in, take the headphones out of my ears and walk up to him. He asks me where I've been, he knows he told me to come at 4pm. He seems mad. Well fuck you, I'm here on time, tell me what to do. He brings me to the back. I sit down at the computer as he sets up the training, it's just like Canadian Tire. Do some computer learning stuff and then go do your job. I take my time, I legitimately don't know any of this stuff, and these final tests require basically 100%. He comes in 10 minutes later: are you done yet? ...No? Okay okay, but go faster.
I stifle anger. I anger quickly I notice. I continue, moving faster, skimming more, retaining less. I fail the final test a few times and then finally get it. I'm visibly frustrated already, the voices in my head are yelling at me because I couldn't answer the simple questions and that I'm not moving fast enough. I blow through the next one, it's WHMIS, I've done it a million times by now. 60% try again. I clench and unclench my fists. He comes in again: Done yet? I check the clock, it's been 5 minutes since the last visit. No, I'm still on this one.
He sits down next to me, he brings out his new laptop and begins to surf the web. Clearly he wants me out so I don't notice his random bullshit. He talks to me about inane shit, I try my best to carry a conversation and keep in good humor. Sadly he doesn't understand sarcasm so I think I've made him sort of angry. Great. I try to read the training sessions and go faster. He keeps talking, I can't think, the voices in my head get louder.
There is a knock at the door. It's his brother, they get to talking, my boss mentions I'm going to be a doctor; I just happened to mention that during the interview. They ask me about that, I feel obligated to explain and respond, I'm multitasking that with the learning, I fail another test. A nervous tick appears, I spin my wrist to try and crack it because the mouse is ever so slightly too high. I focus on the pain, the voices boom in my head.
Finally they leave, he says to hurry and he'll be back to check in soon. Everything goes quiet. Peace. I read the training, I do the exams, 100%. I breathe. He comes back, asks how I'm doing I say I'm done. He asks what took so long. I don't answer and follow him to the cash, his sister will be training me. He leaves. I shut my eyes and breathe a bit. I already want to go home. His sister treats me well, allows me to learn the machine first, I quickly understand the keys and how to handle everything. A few pieces here and there that rarely come up I still have trouble with but I manage. She has been taking care of the Customer Service area, she chats up the customer while I handle cash. I enjoy this.
She asks a customer "Is this your first time?". It's a male customer, I look at him, he looks at me, we both look back to his friend who is waiting for him. We all share an understanding, subtle smiles all around. He responds in a normal way and they leave snickering. The store is empty, I remember the awkward moments of stifled laughter with Calvin and burst into laughter. She asks me whats wrong, I try to explain how her innocent comment could be and was taken in a dirty sense. She looks disgusted with herself, their grasp of English seems limited, maybe that's why the sarcasm bounces off.
The store is dead, most of my training shift is taken up with talking to her. She's nice, shy, smart. She's into the liberal arts, wants to be a teacher. I discuss school and friendships with her. The clock hits 11pm and I walk home.
The Second Night:
I start walking, the shift was fun, I could see doing this more. I walk into the store, she's there again. I smile, we work for a bit, store's still dead and we get to talking most of the time again. A man walks in, I saw him before, he's supposed to be working here as well. He asks about his training shift and I say he can take mine cause fuck it I know what I'm doing. I walk home after 2 hours of work, happy to be out of there.
The Day Shifts:They tell me to come in the morning, to see how I handle a busy shift. Okay I guess, I told them I could only work the evening shifts but it's training what do I care. I stay for an hour with the boss. I ask for some clarifications on some of the transactions. He flips out and asks why I don't know how to do a specific thing. I stifle the urge. I make up an excuse to leave, say my dad needs me in Napanee and that he's at my apartment. I leave.
I walk the next day for another morning shift, I give my excuse early this time. My mom is meeting me for something we planned and I completely forgot about it, I can only stay for a little bit. He seems a little pissed but not furious. I stay for a little bit, a black guy with dirty dreads and fucked up teeth shows up. He mumbles something at me, something about being here for a thing. I look at the boss. I have no idea what he's talking about. The boss tells me to handle it, I ask the dude what he needs, he points at a blue folder on the table. I give it to him, double check with the boss to make sure. "He's not gonna bite man", I know that, I'm not racist. It's your business, handle the business why don't you. Do you trust the training guy who's been here about 3 days to handle something I assume is important.
The black guy leaves with the folder. 5 seconds later the boss yells at me. WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO I FORGOT THE BLUE SLIPS! I run outside and catch up with the guy, he comes back and the boss gives him the stuff. I nod at the black guy and he nods at me as he leaves. The boss belittles me a little more and I take this as my moment to leave. He tells me I should come back later that evening to train some more. I say sure because his sister will be working that shift, at least she's fucking peaceful. The walk home ends up with me homeless ranting, yelling in the street, I take the back alleys to avoid being seen or heard.
The Evening Shift:
I come back. I talk to the sister about the boss, she seems to empathize with me she mentions that the boss is going to be giving me mostly nights shifts during the week. I freak out, I remember clearly telling him I can't do that, I have school soon and that he can't expect me to work that. I make it through the shift, learning more about the pleasantries of customer service. I fume a bit inside my heads, the voices steadily growing into a rumble of noise. I make it to the end, the night shift guy comes in. He seems very...inbred. I say hi, he mumbles a bit. Okay whatever, he's night shift, why do I care. I walk home yelling and screaming to system to whole way.
The Next Morning
I receive a call from the boss. He asks if I'm stealing from him. "What?". Next he tells me to come in that night, okay fine. I'm fuming, why the fuck would I steal. I come in that night. I stand behind the cash, I'm very clearly visibly angry. I don't like being accused of something I didn't do. He calls me into his office while his sister takes the cash. He asks me whats wrong, I tell him that this whole unpaid training thing is getting to me, I know that the franchise is supposed to be paying our training wages, I know that you can't even have unpaid training, I know that he's making an ass load of money. I know all of these things, I just want to be paid for the hours I'm working. Not only that but I'm not enjoying being treated like I don't know shit and being accused of stealing shit. I tell him all of this. He responds, "Fine, I'll pay you the training hours, but you're not working here anymore". Fine, fuck this, fuck you, you treat your employees like shit anyway. You were bitching to me about how the night shift guy wants overtime, you bragged about how your workers will still work the holidays even if you don't give them holiday pay, you accused me of stealing from you. SO GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THE BIGGEST PINEAPPLE YOU CAN FIND.
We discuss the hours I worked, I embellish my hours by a bit. He can't touch me, he knows he's in the wrong, I'm essentially blackmailing him. I end up with a little over 150 bucks (he took off some money for pants he bought me as part of the uniform). It's not a lot, but it should be enough to save us this month. For right now, that's all that counts. It's all I care about.
-Dismiss Authority, Know You're Right, Acquire Cash.
Saturday 10 December 2011
Well, I need to practise writing more.
I'm deciding I need to spruce up my writing style a bit more. This is just a reminder to myself. My favourite post is "Dawn of the First Day" so much happened, I remember that day very vividly right now. It's that snarky assholish inner voice that I stifle from the outside world that belongs here. My pessimism and hatred belong here, along with a few logs of my progress towards weight loss because that actually matters to me. I think I should be trying to do this shit every day/night again. I have enough golden moments a day that I could probably do important posts every other day at least. Usually I've got something on my plate to entertain me or some kind of observation with which I could impersonate Jerry Seinfeld with.
What's the deal with the people in lines at Giant Tiger? They must be on crack or something. ...Oh, they are? Sorry.
What's the deal with the people in lines at Giant Tiger? They must be on crack or something. ...Oh, they are? Sorry.
Issues.
Fuck. Fucking fuck fuck fuck.
Why am I eating? Why can't I stop? Can I be addicting to eating? Addicted to food?
Every time I tell myself that's the last binge and then a few hours later there I am again, stuffing my face full of shit...not literal shit, but junk food typically. I gotta stay away from this crap, that's what kills me every time. It's those snacks, I can't just have a snack, it has to be a meal. Even if I'm not hungry enough for a meal, I'll eat a meal sized portion. I don't understand.
I think what I'm going to do is wait for an auditory signal, i.e. my stomach rumbling, I get that a lot at school while I'm not eating. I'll take that as my cue to eat a meal, otherwise, I will be drinking water or diet coke. I'm sick of this, I'll be fine throughout the week typically, during school I eat a normal lunch and I'm fine, I get home, make a little something and I'm fine. Later in the night I feel hungry, not even super hungry, but it's there. So I'll eat, I'll eat a lot. It throws all the previous efforts to not eat right out the window. I can't lose weight if I constantly stuff my face, losing weight is 80% diet.
God, I really should lighten the mood. The good news today is that I might have a job soon. This new gas station just opened up about 3 blocks from us, I passed by it on Friday and asked if they're hiring and they are so today I handed in my shit and the owner/manager seemed to remember me, told me "to expect a call" afterward. I don't think this is wrongly placed hope, but if it is, fuck you god/super being. If I get a job, about 90% of my problems go away. Money issues, gone, boredom issues, gone, eating issues (typically caused by boredom), gone. The only other problem would be a girlfriend, and honestly it's not bothering me that much anymore. Even if it was I'm doing something about it. Fixing my hygiene, trying to lose weight through diet and exercise, trying to just be myself and be friendly/funny.
My only true problem right now is my self-confidence or self-esteem. I look down upon myself because I'm fat, lazy, and poor. A job fixes two of those, at least I wouldn't consider myself lazy with a job because I wouldn't be sitting on my ass all day avoiding doing homework. Let's hope the job works out and I can start actually having an income. In January my OSAP kicks in and I'll have some more money, not to mention my xmas money from my parents (it's money instead of gifts this year). Lets not get ahead of ourselves though, my parents are broke as shit so I'm not expecting much, and my OSAP is split between school and rent, I think I'll be coming out of it with 1000-1500 bucks though, so it gives me more time to find a job/work if nothing else.
Christ I ramble a lot. I don't think I've had a joke in these things for 3 posts, although I'm not sure I'm doing this to be entertaining anymore or if I even was in the first place. I think I started this as a way to bitch about my attempts at getting a soft fleshy thing in my bed, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it would now. I would still kill for some puss, but I actually think money and my education is more important... OH GOD I'M AN ADULT!
Why am I eating? Why can't I stop? Can I be addicting to eating? Addicted to food?
Every time I tell myself that's the last binge and then a few hours later there I am again, stuffing my face full of shit...not literal shit, but junk food typically. I gotta stay away from this crap, that's what kills me every time. It's those snacks, I can't just have a snack, it has to be a meal. Even if I'm not hungry enough for a meal, I'll eat a meal sized portion. I don't understand.
I think what I'm going to do is wait for an auditory signal, i.e. my stomach rumbling, I get that a lot at school while I'm not eating. I'll take that as my cue to eat a meal, otherwise, I will be drinking water or diet coke. I'm sick of this, I'll be fine throughout the week typically, during school I eat a normal lunch and I'm fine, I get home, make a little something and I'm fine. Later in the night I feel hungry, not even super hungry, but it's there. So I'll eat, I'll eat a lot. It throws all the previous efforts to not eat right out the window. I can't lose weight if I constantly stuff my face, losing weight is 80% diet.
God, I really should lighten the mood. The good news today is that I might have a job soon. This new gas station just opened up about 3 blocks from us, I passed by it on Friday and asked if they're hiring and they are so today I handed in my shit and the owner/manager seemed to remember me, told me "to expect a call" afterward. I don't think this is wrongly placed hope, but if it is, fuck you god/super being. If I get a job, about 90% of my problems go away. Money issues, gone, boredom issues, gone, eating issues (typically caused by boredom), gone. The only other problem would be a girlfriend, and honestly it's not bothering me that much anymore. Even if it was I'm doing something about it. Fixing my hygiene, trying to lose weight through diet and exercise, trying to just be myself and be friendly/funny.
My only true problem right now is my self-confidence or self-esteem. I look down upon myself because I'm fat, lazy, and poor. A job fixes two of those, at least I wouldn't consider myself lazy with a job because I wouldn't be sitting on my ass all day avoiding doing homework. Let's hope the job works out and I can start actually having an income. In January my OSAP kicks in and I'll have some more money, not to mention my xmas money from my parents (it's money instead of gifts this year). Lets not get ahead of ourselves though, my parents are broke as shit so I'm not expecting much, and my OSAP is split between school and rent, I think I'll be coming out of it with 1000-1500 bucks though, so it gives me more time to find a job/work if nothing else.
Christ I ramble a lot. I don't think I've had a joke in these things for 3 posts, although I'm not sure I'm doing this to be entertaining anymore or if I even was in the first place. I think I started this as a way to bitch about my attempts at getting a soft fleshy thing in my bed, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it would now. I would still kill for some puss, but I actually think money and my education is more important... OH GOD I'M AN ADULT!
Friday 9 December 2011
I wish I didn't miss that. But don't worry I don't...I think.
That feeling of closeness. That feeling of being loved. That feeling of togetherness.
I hate the feeling of loneliness.
I don't understand how to let go, I'm reminded my ex, I'm reminded of the good times. I know I don't want to be with her as friends or in a relationship for sure, but I miss the feeling of it. Of a relationship, that was the entire problem in the first place, I loved the idea of a relationship more than I loved her. Oh sure I was close to her, I loved her and everything, but the idea and the feeling of a relationship was more important to me; that's the reason the label bothered me so much. I realize now that I have to enjoy the person company, I have to be willing and to want to share my life with someone if I want a relationship.
Although right now, I'm enjoying being lonely. Being single does have it's perks for sure, I have all the free time in the world, no stupid drama about issues, and no woman to please or to wait on. Sure I miss the perks of cuddling and sex, but a warm bed with lots of blankets is probably the closest I can get to cuddling and my hand is getting pretty good at sex for sure. I guess I'm reminded of these issues when I see my ex or hear about other people relationships. Typically my only exposure to my ex is my own doing, because I enjoy my work with a camera more than the professionals, not to mention the idea that that is my dick being sucked is much more enjoyable. I remember those days through those videos and I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed them...mostly because I'm being blown but I enjoyed other parts I'm sure.
The question I keep going over in my head is do I delete them? For good. There's no going back if I delete them, I'm sure she's deleted them and even if she didn't, I don't think she's give them back. I think by deleting them, all the videos and pictures, that I could finally say I'm unattached and over it, but I just love my own porn so much. I wanted a collection of my girlfriends on tape, so far its basically 100%. By deleting this, I tarnish the collection no matter how perverted it may seem. Perhaps a collection is not a goal I should be trying to attain here.
Either way I'll decide to do something eventually. The point of this is to realize that I need to enjoy my own life, to collectively secure myself in my own being, before allowing another person into the mix. So far it's working out, I'm not obsessing over getting a girlfriend by any means, my daily girl talking and flirting (even if it's all for naught) are satisfied by my friend in my nursing program, we banter back and forth usually with sexual jokes and that causes enough brain chemistry to make me a well-rounded person. Not only that but I understand that it's not going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. Although I must say, my ego still takes a hit when she calls me her "best friend" or other such vile words, women are meant only to be masturbation aides correct?
So I'm back into working out, slowly but surely I'm working my way through a program, it's got set parameters and it's all body weight exercises that I can do in the apartment, so no early mornings or awkward gym moments. I'm trying to watch what I eat, I do pretty well right up until about 10pm, which is when I just start cramming food into my body for no reason. I don't understand it and I need to conquer it. I need to stop buying snack foods, they're the bane of my existence. My kryptonite. I'll sit and eat an entire bag of chips, a whole package of kit-kat bars, or some other terrible thing and then I feel like shit. What's fucked up about it is that I still end up eating about my maintenance level for calories... If I just cut out the snack/junk food binges in the night I'd be fine, I'd be down about 1000 Calories (or about 2 pounds a week). Basically I need more willpower.
The nail biting front is still a harsh battle, I make good headway and then I absent mindedly chew one nail; then I end up biting all the way down because "it's uneven" and then start chewing the others out of habit. I know I can break habits or at least I know I can create them. I did so with brushing my teeth just recently, every morning, every night. Not even a problem anymore. The other habits I have to develop are showering, cleaning up, and working out, 2 of which are coming along nicely. When I do my workout tomorrow it'll be the first week of exercising without missing a day :). I'm running/jogging to and from my buses to get some cardio in as well. I'll be running more after winter, or possibly during winter if I go to the YMCA, we're right by the track where I used to run when I lived here last so it'll be familiar territory.
I think that's it for now, I ranted before in the last post, and now I've legit updated. This is my log, this is for me to look at a year from now and see how far I'm gone/come, hopefully it's for the better. I'll do my best to make sure it is.
I hate the feeling of loneliness.
I don't understand how to let go, I'm reminded my ex, I'm reminded of the good times. I know I don't want to be with her as friends or in a relationship for sure, but I miss the feeling of it. Of a relationship, that was the entire problem in the first place, I loved the idea of a relationship more than I loved her. Oh sure I was close to her, I loved her and everything, but the idea and the feeling of a relationship was more important to me; that's the reason the label bothered me so much. I realize now that I have to enjoy the person company, I have to be willing and to want to share my life with someone if I want a relationship.
Although right now, I'm enjoying being lonely. Being single does have it's perks for sure, I have all the free time in the world, no stupid drama about issues, and no woman to please or to wait on. Sure I miss the perks of cuddling and sex, but a warm bed with lots of blankets is probably the closest I can get to cuddling and my hand is getting pretty good at sex for sure. I guess I'm reminded of these issues when I see my ex or hear about other people relationships. Typically my only exposure to my ex is my own doing, because I enjoy my work with a camera more than the professionals, not to mention the idea that that is my dick being sucked is much more enjoyable. I remember those days through those videos and I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed them...mostly because I'm being blown but I enjoyed other parts I'm sure.
The question I keep going over in my head is do I delete them? For good. There's no going back if I delete them, I'm sure she's deleted them and even if she didn't, I don't think she's give them back. I think by deleting them, all the videos and pictures, that I could finally say I'm unattached and over it, but I just love my own porn so much. I wanted a collection of my girlfriends on tape, so far its basically 100%. By deleting this, I tarnish the collection no matter how perverted it may seem. Perhaps a collection is not a goal I should be trying to attain here.
Either way I'll decide to do something eventually. The point of this is to realize that I need to enjoy my own life, to collectively secure myself in my own being, before allowing another person into the mix. So far it's working out, I'm not obsessing over getting a girlfriend by any means, my daily girl talking and flirting (even if it's all for naught) are satisfied by my friend in my nursing program, we banter back and forth usually with sexual jokes and that causes enough brain chemistry to make me a well-rounded person. Not only that but I understand that it's not going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. Although I must say, my ego still takes a hit when she calls me her "best friend" or other such vile words, women are meant only to be masturbation aides correct?
So I'm back into working out, slowly but surely I'm working my way through a program, it's got set parameters and it's all body weight exercises that I can do in the apartment, so no early mornings or awkward gym moments. I'm trying to watch what I eat, I do pretty well right up until about 10pm, which is when I just start cramming food into my body for no reason. I don't understand it and I need to conquer it. I need to stop buying snack foods, they're the bane of my existence. My kryptonite. I'll sit and eat an entire bag of chips, a whole package of kit-kat bars, or some other terrible thing and then I feel like shit. What's fucked up about it is that I still end up eating about my maintenance level for calories... If I just cut out the snack/junk food binges in the night I'd be fine, I'd be down about 1000 Calories (or about 2 pounds a week). Basically I need more willpower.
The nail biting front is still a harsh battle, I make good headway and then I absent mindedly chew one nail; then I end up biting all the way down because "it's uneven" and then start chewing the others out of habit. I know I can break habits or at least I know I can create them. I did so with brushing my teeth just recently, every morning, every night. Not even a problem anymore. The other habits I have to develop are showering, cleaning up, and working out, 2 of which are coming along nicely. When I do my workout tomorrow it'll be the first week of exercising without missing a day :). I'm running/jogging to and from my buses to get some cardio in as well. I'll be running more after winter, or possibly during winter if I go to the YMCA, we're right by the track where I used to run when I lived here last so it'll be familiar territory.
I think that's it for now, I ranted before in the last post, and now I've legit updated. This is my log, this is for me to look at a year from now and see how far I'm gone/come, hopefully it's for the better. I'll do my best to make sure it is.
Fuck everything about this.
Fucking piece of shit fucking asshole cunt hole dick wad BITCH.
Christ, I basically just lost 200 dollars because I fucking forgot to check the constantly changing deadline for my payment schedule. Apparently the work I did will not carry over and I will never be paid for it. This comes at possibly the worst time for this because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY WHATSOEVER AND IF I DON'T GET A JOB I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. So fuck.
Tomorrow I'm going to the corner store to talk to manager/owner and begging for a job because fuck tutoring anymore, did I mention I was tutoring, because its bullshit. Now obviously you're dealing with the people who are a bit slow in the head but holy fucking shit, some of the people just don't understand anything. And now they have the balls to not even show up to the class because "The teacher confuses me when she teaches, you're good at it" Listen bitch, you pay the teacher like 500$ to teach you something, I get 10 bucks an hour...well not anymore I don't, to tell you stuff you should have already learned and to answer some questions about it. They seem to think I'm a fucking god at chemistry, as a peer tutor I am technically supposed to be learning this stuff although with them so when they say to just keep going with the unit I say fuck that shit. We haven't done it yet, and I'm not being paid/not paid minimum wage to teach you absolutely new shit to your fucking dumbass brain while you complain you're not getting fucked by your 4 boyfriends enough.
Anyways, the other people I tutor are typically fine, its just really the two that are dumb, one is a complete princess bitch about it too, the other one is just dumb. So dumb that she's now pregnant, no it's not planned either and I don't think she's doing anything about it, good, awesome for you, enjoy the baby for the rest of your life idiot. The princess mentality one just won't shut up though; and she scapegoats everyone for distracting her or me being boring. Listen you whore, its fucking chemistry, and not the fun "let's blow stuff up" chemistry, its the "bonds and energy" type of chemistry. The smart one, or atleast the not as dumb/bitchy one is good, she's funny and nice, unless she's stuck on something in which case she becomes a bitch but she acknowledges it at least and apologizes.
BUT FUCK I JUST LOST $200, in all honesty I did not earn $200, I have been teaching them bullshit, but I still have to tutor them on Friday/Monday because the final, because I'm not just gonna ditch out on them because I'm not being paid and be a big douche about it. But holy fuck am I pissed.
I HATE THE PERSON WHO ORGANIZES THE TUTORING. She is just retarded. Honestly, terrible at her job, she doesn't give you tutees unless you fucking go to her and point blank say "I don't have enough tutess", she forces you to tutor some as a group (less money overall) and limits the amount of time you have per person, but then when you don't have enough people you can't reach the max hours (12) so its pointless. Meanwhile everyone in class bitches about the lack of tutors; tutors bitch about the lack of tutees; and whatsherwhore bitches about the lack of everything. Listen bitch, you have an entire stack of ready and waiting tutors and tutees, you just have to email them or something. You seem to always email people the most important updates about 2 days after it's important, not only that but you use a flawed system that no one else uses with which to update your tutors/tutees.
So I missed two payment period, a month's worth of shit which could have been $400 if the stupid whore gave me more tutors and if I calculated my hours better. I missed the last one due to a change in the schedule which she warned us THE FUCKING NIGHT OF THE CHANGE (i.e check the morning before coming to school which I don't do because I have to leave at 7:45 or you're fucked). She never responded back to my email asking about this pay period. Not only that but I guess the last one of the semester is also moved back an entire goddamn cunt gargling week because screw smart people. So I just got shafted out of around $200 bucks (probably a bit more). CHRIST. Fuck That.
I think I'm going to go to my grandparents this weekend and beg for some money as well, if they say no I'll explain this situation, maybe it'll lube up their wallets a bit so that I can make it through the next little bit. Let's hope it works out, I'm off school on the ...16th I think, I have a couple papers and 3 tests to get through, should be simple though. The break I have is 25 motherfucking days of nothingness unless I get a job though. Let's cross our fingers....better cross dicks too, just to be sure.
Christ, I basically just lost 200 dollars because I fucking forgot to check the constantly changing deadline for my payment schedule. Apparently the work I did will not carry over and I will never be paid for it. This comes at possibly the worst time for this because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY WHATSOEVER AND IF I DON'T GET A JOB I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. So fuck.
Tomorrow I'm going to the corner store to talk to manager/owner and begging for a job because fuck tutoring anymore, did I mention I was tutoring, because its bullshit. Now obviously you're dealing with the people who are a bit slow in the head but holy fucking shit, some of the people just don't understand anything. And now they have the balls to not even show up to the class because "The teacher confuses me when she teaches, you're good at it" Listen bitch, you pay the teacher like 500$ to teach you something, I get 10 bucks an hour...well not anymore I don't, to tell you stuff you should have already learned and to answer some questions about it. They seem to think I'm a fucking god at chemistry, as a peer tutor I am technically supposed to be learning this stuff although with them so when they say to just keep going with the unit I say fuck that shit. We haven't done it yet, and I'm not being paid/not paid minimum wage to teach you absolutely new shit to your fucking dumbass brain while you complain you're not getting fucked by your 4 boyfriends enough.
Anyways, the other people I tutor are typically fine, its just really the two that are dumb, one is a complete princess bitch about it too, the other one is just dumb. So dumb that she's now pregnant, no it's not planned either and I don't think she's doing anything about it, good, awesome for you, enjoy the baby for the rest of your life idiot. The princess mentality one just won't shut up though; and she scapegoats everyone for distracting her or me being boring. Listen you whore, its fucking chemistry, and not the fun "let's blow stuff up" chemistry, its the "bonds and energy" type of chemistry. The smart one, or atleast the not as dumb/bitchy one is good, she's funny and nice, unless she's stuck on something in which case she becomes a bitch but she acknowledges it at least and apologizes.
BUT FUCK I JUST LOST $200, in all honesty I did not earn $200, I have been teaching them bullshit, but I still have to tutor them on Friday/Monday because the final, because I'm not just gonna ditch out on them because I'm not being paid and be a big douche about it. But holy fuck am I pissed.
I HATE THE PERSON WHO ORGANIZES THE TUTORING. She is just retarded. Honestly, terrible at her job, she doesn't give you tutees unless you fucking go to her and point blank say "I don't have enough tutess", she forces you to tutor some as a group (less money overall) and limits the amount of time you have per person, but then when you don't have enough people you can't reach the max hours (12) so its pointless. Meanwhile everyone in class bitches about the lack of tutors; tutors bitch about the lack of tutees; and whatsherwhore bitches about the lack of everything. Listen bitch, you have an entire stack of ready and waiting tutors and tutees, you just have to email them or something. You seem to always email people the most important updates about 2 days after it's important, not only that but you use a flawed system that no one else uses with which to update your tutors/tutees.
So I missed two payment period, a month's worth of shit which could have been $400 if the stupid whore gave me more tutors and if I calculated my hours better. I missed the last one due to a change in the schedule which she warned us THE FUCKING NIGHT OF THE CHANGE (i.e check the morning before coming to school which I don't do because I have to leave at 7:45 or you're fucked). She never responded back to my email asking about this pay period. Not only that but I guess the last one of the semester is also moved back an entire goddamn cunt gargling week because screw smart people. So I just got shafted out of around $200 bucks (probably a bit more). CHRIST. Fuck That.
I think I'm going to go to my grandparents this weekend and beg for some money as well, if they say no I'll explain this situation, maybe it'll lube up their wallets a bit so that I can make it through the next little bit. Let's hope it works out, I'm off school on the ...16th I think, I have a couple papers and 3 tests to get through, should be simple though. The break I have is 25 motherfucking days of nothingness unless I get a job though. Let's cross our fingers....better cross dicks too, just to be sure.
Thursday 27 October 2011
Experimental Tests have proven hypothesis wrong
So I tried to talk to my ex today. She seemed excited to say the least. She misses her best friend, apparently she doesn't have anyone to talk to/with anymore and she misses having me there as that person to talk to. Well, I don't miss her as much as I thought I did. Not only that, but my feelings for her, my romantic feelings I should say, sprung up again; this has kind of got me in a funk and now I think I don't want to talk with her again. She's made it clear that it hurts her for me to not talk to her, but it hurts me to talk to her it seems, at least it reminds me of the pain I felt when I was with her/after the break up.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to message her and tell her I won't be talking to her again. I still have to think it over. Is this a serious problem, as in, a normal thing that normal people experience. Or is this something people typically overcome and get over, am I expected to be able to talk to my ex? Can I just cut people out of my life?
Talking with her reminded me of things I like and things I don't like. I think that the things I don't like outweigh the ones I do like, so I'm swaying to the side of never talking to her again. I shouldn't feel obligated to talk with her or feel the need to make her feel better about what she's done to me. It's not selfish to think like that either right? I'm looking out for myself, I want what is best for me. My role in life is to make sure I'm happy with myself and my life. I don't have to make other people happy. If talking with my ex makes me unhappy then therefore I shouldn't talk with my ex right?
I'm pretty sure the good things were only good in my mind, nostalgia and blowjobs are clouding my mind when it comes to the past. I remember being very sad/angry/hurt/bored during most if not all of the relationship though. I just don't know why it affects me so much to think about it. Most people's reactions to break ups seem like it just fazes over them and they never mention it again. Why do I seem to dwell and dwell and dwell. I need to get over it, I was over it, I am over it. But I'm not, not if I can't talk to her right? If I talk to her and romantic feelings come back, and with those feelings of jealously, then I'm not over it am I? I just can't seem to get it out my head.
I need to stop thinking, I need to live moment to moment in my life, no extrapolation, no introspection, no nothing, just reactions to stimuli in my environment in real time. Maybe then I'll stop my descent into insanity.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to message her and tell her I won't be talking to her again. I still have to think it over. Is this a serious problem, as in, a normal thing that normal people experience. Or is this something people typically overcome and get over, am I expected to be able to talk to my ex? Can I just cut people out of my life?
Talking with her reminded me of things I like and things I don't like. I think that the things I don't like outweigh the ones I do like, so I'm swaying to the side of never talking to her again. I shouldn't feel obligated to talk with her or feel the need to make her feel better about what she's done to me. It's not selfish to think like that either right? I'm looking out for myself, I want what is best for me. My role in life is to make sure I'm happy with myself and my life. I don't have to make other people happy. If talking with my ex makes me unhappy then therefore I shouldn't talk with my ex right?
I'm pretty sure the good things were only good in my mind, nostalgia and blowjobs are clouding my mind when it comes to the past. I remember being very sad/angry/hurt/bored during most if not all of the relationship though. I just don't know why it affects me so much to think about it. Most people's reactions to break ups seem like it just fazes over them and they never mention it again. Why do I seem to dwell and dwell and dwell. I need to get over it, I was over it, I am over it. But I'm not, not if I can't talk to her right? If I talk to her and romantic feelings come back, and with those feelings of jealously, then I'm not over it am I? I just can't seem to get it out my head.
I need to stop thinking, I need to live moment to moment in my life, no extrapolation, no introspection, no nothing, just reactions to stimuli in my environment in real time. Maybe then I'll stop my descent into insanity.
Saturday 24 September 2011
Rite of Passage
We found it. Finally. Calvin and I are the soon-to-be leasers of an apartment. Everything seems to have worked out pretty well so far. The other apartments I've looked at were pieces of shit comparatively. Not only does this have well sized rooms and a decent price, it's got an amazing location. Holy shit, I didn't think I'd find one but I did and I love it. It's within striking distance of everything we'd want to hit and even if it wasn't we've got free bus passes and Calvin's car. I can't wait to move in, I have to call our landlord type person on October 2nd to confirm the signing of a lease. I'll see if I can't bring my dad with me to read it over, although I think I'll be fine by myself though.
The logistics of this upcoming year are somewhat scarifying, we're going to be cutting it fucking close on all angles. Right now my parents owe me about $500 not including some things and Calvin, you owe me $910 (I took off an extra $50 bucks in gas money for the rides home and I haven't counted any food because that's what we've been doing since fucking grade 10). This basically means I've going to have about 3 months worth of rent...maybe... It also means I've spent $1000 on bullshit (it was 1500, but 500 of that was books which are kind of useful...I might return some). I don't enjoy knowing that I blew away about 1000 bucks in maybe a month. I know that when we're in the apartment I'm going to basically be paying for rent and maybe some food and that's about it. At least I'll lose some weight from the starvation.
The gist of this is that I need a job or a scheme of somehow pulling money from my ass. Let's all hope it works out, I'm going to see if I still can't get funding, I have to bitch slap the people at school for being the laziest and worst people to work with, I tell them I need something so that I can pay them and make it through school and they fuck off for a week and don't give me jack shit. On Monday I'll be having a talk with them and hopefully I can fucking get what I need and still be able to apply, if I can't I might be a bit screwed but I'll make it. Even if I can only afford rent and a sandwich I'll be happy to be back in Kingston.
The logistics of this upcoming year are somewhat scarifying, we're going to be cutting it fucking close on all angles. Right now my parents owe me about $500 not including some things and Calvin, you owe me $910 (I took off an extra $50 bucks in gas money for the rides home and I haven't counted any food because that's what we've been doing since fucking grade 10). This basically means I've going to have about 3 months worth of rent...maybe... It also means I've spent $1000 on bullshit (it was 1500, but 500 of that was books which are kind of useful...I might return some). I don't enjoy knowing that I blew away about 1000 bucks in maybe a month. I know that when we're in the apartment I'm going to basically be paying for rent and maybe some food and that's about it. At least I'll lose some weight from the starvation.
The gist of this is that I need a job or a scheme of somehow pulling money from my ass. Let's all hope it works out, I'm going to see if I still can't get funding, I have to bitch slap the people at school for being the laziest and worst people to work with, I tell them I need something so that I can pay them and make it through school and they fuck off for a week and don't give me jack shit. On Monday I'll be having a talk with them and hopefully I can fucking get what I need and still be able to apply, if I can't I might be a bit screwed but I'll make it. Even if I can only afford rent and a sandwich I'll be happy to be back in Kingston.
Thursday 15 September 2011
You can only find someone by not looking.
It's cold. Typing is hard. I need to at least get some of this down.
After my last post I again realize the reason I picked this name. I'm desperate. So very desperate.
That needs to change.
I'm pretty sure now that whatsherface doesn't like me in the way that I like her. I'm not going subject myself to a long drawn out "eventually", that doesn't mean I'm going to self-exile, I'm just not going to purpose anything. Friends is fine, she's mostly nice.
This 2-3 day crush I've had makes me realize a few things:
Another point I've realized; I can't force a relationship. If a relationship isn't moving smoothly from one step to the next with participation by both partners then it's probably not worth it to pursue alone in the endeavor. By pushing a conversation a certain way or by raising the rate of sexual jokes by 40%, I'm only alienating the girl that is the target of my infatuation.
So basically, my girlfriend is my hand from now. No more crushes, no visualizing a girl as my girlfriend/sex toy. No more reading into things that women do, unless ever so obvious. No more discounting flaws that I know will bug me ("Holly Humor"). No more looking for my so called dream girl because I'm probably not going to find her by imagining that every hot chick will be her. You can only find someone by not looking. This was the advice given to me when I pleaded for advice on finding women. I guess it will now be my mantra.
After my last post I again realize the reason I picked this name. I'm desperate. So very desperate.
That needs to change.
I'm pretty sure now that whatsherface doesn't like me in the way that I like her. I'm not going subject myself to a long drawn out "eventually", that doesn't mean I'm going to self-exile, I'm just not going to purpose anything. Friends is fine, she's mostly nice.
This 2-3 day crush I've had makes me realize a few things:
- I get fast and hard crushes for no good reason; I knew this already but it hammers the point in after this.
- I will discount a girl's flaws if she seems remotely interested in me; this is where my desperation stems from, I knew whatsherface was not exactly ideal when I first started talking to her. Yet I continued with my crush fantasies drawing me closer to where I am now.
- I can't distinguish when a girl likes me; Are they being friendly? Do they like me? I have no fucking clue. I wish I did, just come out an say it.
- I have absolutely no idea who I'm looking for; I was thinking about it today after school. She seemed fine, nerdy and nice, kinda funny with a side of touchy feely. But she's seems fake nerdy or at least pretentious hipstery, she's mainly rude and mean to others for no reason; this is fine when people watching and cracking jokes, but I've slowly gotten into a rhythm of being nice to everyone and making fun of everyone at the same time. Her humor is somewhat lacking, it's what I call "Holly Humor", internet memes and references only. I watch a lot of comedy movies and television as well, not only that but experiences lead to even more fodder but everything out of her mouth is internet or scathing remarks it seems. Touchy Feely is fine...so long as it's only me, I learned from the Ex that I'm one of the most jealous people you'll ever meet, maybe not more than Kyle, but I'd be close.
Another point I've realized; I can't force a relationship. If a relationship isn't moving smoothly from one step to the next with participation by both partners then it's probably not worth it to pursue alone in the endeavor. By pushing a conversation a certain way or by raising the rate of sexual jokes by 40%, I'm only alienating the girl that is the target of my infatuation.
So basically, my girlfriend is my hand from now. No more crushes, no visualizing a girl as my girlfriend/sex toy. No more reading into things that women do, unless ever so obvious. No more discounting flaws that I know will bug me ("Holly Humor"). No more looking for my so called dream girl because I'm probably not going to find her by imagining that every hot chick will be her. You can only find someone by not looking. This was the advice given to me when I pleaded for advice on finding women. I guess it will now be my mantra.
Friday 9 September 2011
Fucking girls man, fucking girls and fucking crushes and fucking wierd heart feelings.
Finally I found her. I just added her to my friends 2 seconds ago. Man she's hot... Notification? She accepted? That was fast. Wall post? Already? FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
She's talking to me. But she just said hey. OH GOD THIS IS OUT IN PUBLIC! People can see me. I knew this would happen, she's too eccentric, too out there. No, this is a good thing, she totally wants my cock. OR DOES SHE?! Why have I suddenly lost all ability to talk to women. I was so smooth in class, and no I feel like I'm having a heart attack typing these replies out. I can change them on the fly, they have to be perfect. BUT NO, my gut does the thinking in class maybe I should just use the first thing on my mind. But it's not good enough. It's never good enough. I'll be stuck in this limbo of trying to be everything she wants. I don't know what she wants though, she seems like she can be played fairly easily... mostly because she's a nerd, nerd's just want other nerds...but what if I'm too nerdy? or not nerdy enough? FUCK FUCK FUCK, why can't I just shove her on a bed and do the physical escalation. At least I THINK I'm good at that, always seems to end in humping. ARGH SHE KEEPS RESPONDING AND MY BRAIN AND HEART CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY TO THAT!? JUST TELL ME YOU WANT MY SWEET COCK JUICES WOMAN! I UNDERSTAND THAT!
Oh god, I can't put the right inflection on texts, she better read that right. If she doesn't I'm even more fucked! Understand it's a joke, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for the sake of my penis understand that I'm trying to make you laugh. Let me hear your laughter, it's like nectar to me, sweet beautiful nectar. Okay man, that line was smooth...hopefully, I don't know if the flow was right. Oh god she didn't even mention the comment. She's with drunk people, wait she doesn't drink, which means she prolly isn't bending over for randoms too easily... I guess that's good, OH GOD I'M ALREADY JEALOUS! WHY AM I SHAKING AND SHIVERING AND SCREAMING IN MY HEAD
Oh score, thank you autocorrect for the suggestion of a fancy word, I bet she likes fancy words. Do you like fancy words? do you want to fuck fancy words? I'd fuck fancy words.
Fuck Fuck Fuck, I have to get out of this convo...I don't know how...I could just be going to sleep? On a friday night? at this hour? No...No that doesn't work. Maybe she'll just stop responding? But that's bad too, I need an engaging conversation, I just died on that last response, there's nothing of substance. nothing of value, nothing to respond to, I'm fucked, I'm fucked unless she comes up with something, anything really. I need to stop stressing so much. But christ, she seems ....for lack of a better word: decent.
Oh god, it's been 3 minutes, she's usually done in 1...hehehehe...giggity, but still, she's probably not responding to that. FUCK I knew it, why did I type that, why didn't I say something else? Motherfucker, maybe something will come up tomorrow? or monday? I have asked her out. I'm going to have to sit beside her on monday for Math, chat her up, joke around, then ask if she wants to go grab some food or coffee or sex in her dorm...oh right...she's in rez...we could...oh my god...Now I really want to do her.
Fuck.
She's talking to me. But she just said hey. OH GOD THIS IS OUT IN PUBLIC! People can see me. I knew this would happen, she's too eccentric, too out there. No, this is a good thing, she totally wants my cock. OR DOES SHE?! Why have I suddenly lost all ability to talk to women. I was so smooth in class, and no I feel like I'm having a heart attack typing these replies out. I can change them on the fly, they have to be perfect. BUT NO, my gut does the thinking in class maybe I should just use the first thing on my mind. But it's not good enough. It's never good enough. I'll be stuck in this limbo of trying to be everything she wants. I don't know what she wants though, she seems like she can be played fairly easily... mostly because she's a nerd, nerd's just want other nerds...but what if I'm too nerdy? or not nerdy enough? FUCK FUCK FUCK, why can't I just shove her on a bed and do the physical escalation. At least I THINK I'm good at that, always seems to end in humping. ARGH SHE KEEPS RESPONDING AND MY BRAIN AND HEART CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY TO THAT!? JUST TELL ME YOU WANT MY SWEET COCK JUICES WOMAN! I UNDERSTAND THAT!
Oh god, I can't put the right inflection on texts, she better read that right. If she doesn't I'm even more fucked! Understand it's a joke, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for the sake of my penis understand that I'm trying to make you laugh. Let me hear your laughter, it's like nectar to me, sweet beautiful nectar. Okay man, that line was smooth...hopefully, I don't know if the flow was right. Oh god she didn't even mention the comment. She's with drunk people, wait she doesn't drink, which means she prolly isn't bending over for randoms too easily... I guess that's good, OH GOD I'M ALREADY JEALOUS! WHY AM I SHAKING AND SHIVERING AND SCREAMING IN MY HEAD
Oh score, thank you autocorrect for the suggestion of a fancy word, I bet she likes fancy words. Do you like fancy words? do you want to fuck fancy words? I'd fuck fancy words.
Fuck Fuck Fuck, I have to get out of this convo...I don't know how...I could just be going to sleep? On a friday night? at this hour? No...No that doesn't work. Maybe she'll just stop responding? But that's bad too, I need an engaging conversation, I just died on that last response, there's nothing of substance. nothing of value, nothing to respond to, I'm fucked, I'm fucked unless she comes up with something, anything really. I need to stop stressing so much. But christ, she seems ....for lack of a better word: decent.
Oh god, it's been 3 minutes, she's usually done in 1...hehehehe...giggity, but still, she's probably not responding to that. FUCK I knew it, why did I type that, why didn't I say something else? Motherfucker, maybe something will come up tomorrow? or monday? I have asked her out. I'm going to have to sit beside her on monday for Math, chat her up, joke around, then ask if she wants to go grab some food or coffee or sex in her dorm...oh right...she's in rez...we could...oh my god...Now I really want to do her.
Fuck.
Wednesday 24 August 2011
Our shadow stronger than our soul
I went apartment hunting, I was going to post this yesterday so that maybe Calvin would read it, ending up falling asleep. Either way here's what went down yesterday, I knew we needed an apartment very badly so I called everyone and searched everywhere on Kijiji. There's still more people I'm probably going to call tomorrow.
Anyways, I set up about 4 viewings for apartments in one day, although one (The 3 bedroom Homestead told us about) I ended up missing because I was busy with others and also because fuck a three bedroom. I got another one for tomorrow and I'm hoping to set more up. Also note, all the apartments up for rent now are in the Heights because no one wants to live there, but that means there close to the cheapo stuff by Steve's place. Most of the apartments are in non-scary areas.
RENT 880 The first was the left picture in the apartment. It was kind of small, but would serve a purpose. It reminded me of Ronin's party apartment, but smaller but a lot smaller I think (might have been all the stuff in the place). Seemed to have decent closet space. Kitchen and bathroom were nice. The laundry place is right in front of the apartment though (apparently no complaints from other tenets though). The landlord can book us another viewing this upcoming Monday if you want to check it out, he wants to check a bunch of stuff as well. One being proof of employment and I think he desires a co-signer, I forget. He's out camping this weekend so the shit won't sell well he's gone, I have to leave him a message Thursday/Friday if we're interested.
RENT 890/825 The second was kind of a shitty place, huge, but shitty in it's own way. The person showing us around was very unprofessional it seemed (and she works for a company CLVgroup or something) anyways, place was big tons of mf'ing closets good sized bedrooms. Only problem is that the September one is already being applied for meaning we're probably not going to get it, she's got some for October though (in the basement if that sways anything), all the apartments are the same basic layout and she gave me a sheet containing the layout for the apartment in October.
RENT 950 The third one (right side picture), was way better than I thought. Weird thing is though that it's in the basement of a church, you enter through the back though so don't worry about the religious folks. The landlord seems MOTHERFUCKING AMAZING though, super easy going, nice, hilariously bad with English some times, seems flexible and like we could twist him a bit to get a good deal. The apartment looks great for what we want, there's also a convenience store across the street. The amount of closet space is ridiculous as well, but if we've got a lot of junk it'll come in handy. The rent is the only thing bothering me, but he has a Cogeco connection (TV and Internet I think) that he seems somewhat willing to throw in which would be great, there's also a bed that we could try and talk him into as well. I'm bringing my dad next time so he can use his salesman experience to help out. The most important thing with this guy is to be nice decent people, he was the pastor in the church, went to St. Lawrence himself and he seems easy going enough to have two students looking for their first apartment to be his tenants. I need to text him ASAP for an application to be scanned to me and then I'll schedule a viewing for you as well with hopefully my dad. He says he has a few people looking at the apartment as well but hopefully they'll get shot or something.
Anyways, that was my apartment hunting, I'll post again about what I see tomorrow, otherwise I think I'm going to get a decent sleep tonight and then get shots in the morning yay.
Monday 8 August 2011
Dawn of the first day
Today was my first day at Canadian Tire.
I wake up at 6am, my alarm is yelling at me to get up, my body knows it's an important day so I wake up relatively fast and jump in the shower because I didn't have time last night and I figured being covered in a warm water blanket will wake me up. I stumble out of the shower, grab some comfy clothes, lace up my steel toes and go downstairs. My mom hands me a sandwich and a bottle of water as we head out the door into the cloudy dawn of early morning, I don't remember being up this early in awhile. The closer we get to the store the more I feel nervous. I dread this type of work. For those who don't know I'm there for renovations, which means I'm moving products from shelf to shelf and also breaking down and building shelves to spruce up the store. I'd rather be working a cash where I don't have to deal with anyone except customers.
I manage to guess my way through the code on the door and clock in, according to the computer I'm a minute early, hooray. I toss my lunch in the fridge and head downstairs, my feet already hurt from my unbroken in boots. I find James the floor manager as he shows me around (i.e stand in place while waiting for more people), eventually another newbie Cole shows up and James tells us what to do. Take all the crap from this shelf and bring it to this shelf across the store. We grab a couple carts and head out. I figure if I'm stuck working with this guy for the morning I might as well talk to him. Understanding that I'm in Napanee I try to scrape my mind for a decent conversation starter, he looks athletic, let's talk about sports.
"You play any sports?"
"Yeah."
"Which ones?"
"Hockey"
"Position?"
"Defence or Forward"
"So...everything but goalie?"
"Sometimes goalie."
End conversation. Sigh, this will be a long day. Eventually I try to talk more about hockey, he mentions he's gonna play for St. Lawrence when he goes. I mention St. Lawrence's team is in Cornwall not Kingston, he says its a tourney or something, I tried to pry some info to give to Calvin so maybe he can be a goalie but he doesn't give anything useful. A few minutes later I have my shelf almost done, I've been moving clothesline stuff and CT happened to be really overstocked on clothes pins so more than half of my shelf is clothes pins.
"Think I have enough clothes pins?"
"You've got a lot..."
*inner monologue* "...it...it was a joke?"
More silence. Eventually a chick shows up to help us do stuff we don't need help with and Cole fucks off somewhere for the rest of the day, her and I continue shelving and get to talking. She's one of those tom-girls who does man stuff. I tease her about stereotypical girl problems like breaking a nail or something and such and such. She's apparently moving to B.C. with her boyfriend in 4 days and her last day is Thursday. She shows me around the store and basically teaches me how to do everything even though I'm pretty sure I didn't retain any information.
We break for lunch, I get my delicious sandwich and watch my coworkers talk amongst themselves. One person there is obviously the son of another worker. He's badgering her to make him his lunch and get him a drink and typical dickhole child behaviour yet he looks older than me.
"Did you make potato salad mom?"
"No, just this, this, and this."
"Yeah well you should of made potato salad."
End of lunch/nap, I go downstairs and it's now time to over stuff an end shelf full of sale products. This process involves slowly taking off all the stuff off of a shelf, moving the shelf down one peg and then putting all the stuff back on so that we can have extra space. That took about an hour and a bit, during which time I was hassled by a couple customers looking for shit in places it wasn't anymore (because we're constantly flip flopping where the stuff is). I lead an old guy to the clotheslines I moved earlier and I pointed another old lady to some garbage bags which were LITERALLY IN FRONT OF HER.
After getting all the stuff from about 10 shelves squeezed onto 6 I was conscripted into a team that were building a shelf in the middle of the store. This was probably the best part of the day, the floor manager James is the best guy ever, super patient and actually knows how to tell people what to do. Sadly he's not the brightest person on the planet. What we were doing was putting stands on the shelves (so of like feet to keep them up right). The feet slide into place via an L shaped groove that is placed on these pegs in between the shelf pieces. Instead of shimmying the L groove into the pegs through James decides to wail on the feet with a mallet until it somehow sticks on. Somehow we get the shelf up and it's time to clean up. After cleaning up I go outside and jump in the car for the ride home.
Overall it was a pretty decent day, but my body aches especially my feet from the boots. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning...oh speaking of morning, my hours got shifted. Instead of 7am to 3pm, its now 5am to 2pm except on Friday which is 5am to 11am (clocks out to an extra hour a week which I don't mind). Fuck mornings.
I wake up at 6am, my alarm is yelling at me to get up, my body knows it's an important day so I wake up relatively fast and jump in the shower because I didn't have time last night and I figured being covered in a warm water blanket will wake me up. I stumble out of the shower, grab some comfy clothes, lace up my steel toes and go downstairs. My mom hands me a sandwich and a bottle of water as we head out the door into the cloudy dawn of early morning, I don't remember being up this early in awhile. The closer we get to the store the more I feel nervous. I dread this type of work. For those who don't know I'm there for renovations, which means I'm moving products from shelf to shelf and also breaking down and building shelves to spruce up the store. I'd rather be working a cash where I don't have to deal with anyone except customers.
I manage to guess my way through the code on the door and clock in, according to the computer I'm a minute early, hooray. I toss my lunch in the fridge and head downstairs, my feet already hurt from my unbroken in boots. I find James the floor manager as he shows me around (i.e stand in place while waiting for more people), eventually another newbie Cole shows up and James tells us what to do. Take all the crap from this shelf and bring it to this shelf across the store. We grab a couple carts and head out. I figure if I'm stuck working with this guy for the morning I might as well talk to him. Understanding that I'm in Napanee I try to scrape my mind for a decent conversation starter, he looks athletic, let's talk about sports.
"You play any sports?"
"Yeah."
"Which ones?"
"Hockey"
"Position?"
"Defence or Forward"
"So...everything but goalie?"
"Sometimes goalie."
End conversation. Sigh, this will be a long day. Eventually I try to talk more about hockey, he mentions he's gonna play for St. Lawrence when he goes. I mention St. Lawrence's team is in Cornwall not Kingston, he says its a tourney or something, I tried to pry some info to give to Calvin so maybe he can be a goalie but he doesn't give anything useful. A few minutes later I have my shelf almost done, I've been moving clothesline stuff and CT happened to be really overstocked on clothes pins so more than half of my shelf is clothes pins.
"Think I have enough clothes pins?"
"You've got a lot..."
*inner monologue* "...it...it was a joke?"
More silence. Eventually a chick shows up to help us do stuff we don't need help with and Cole fucks off somewhere for the rest of the day, her and I continue shelving and get to talking. She's one of those tom-girls who does man stuff. I tease her about stereotypical girl problems like breaking a nail or something and such and such. She's apparently moving to B.C. with her boyfriend in 4 days and her last day is Thursday. She shows me around the store and basically teaches me how to do everything even though I'm pretty sure I didn't retain any information.
We break for lunch, I get my delicious sandwich and watch my coworkers talk amongst themselves. One person there is obviously the son of another worker. He's badgering her to make him his lunch and get him a drink and typical dickhole child behaviour yet he looks older than me.
"Did you make potato salad mom?"
"No, just this, this, and this."
"Yeah well you should of made potato salad."
End of lunch/nap, I go downstairs and it's now time to over stuff an end shelf full of sale products. This process involves slowly taking off all the stuff off of a shelf, moving the shelf down one peg and then putting all the stuff back on so that we can have extra space. That took about an hour and a bit, during which time I was hassled by a couple customers looking for shit in places it wasn't anymore (because we're constantly flip flopping where the stuff is). I lead an old guy to the clotheslines I moved earlier and I pointed another old lady to some garbage bags which were LITERALLY IN FRONT OF HER.
After getting all the stuff from about 10 shelves squeezed onto 6 I was conscripted into a team that were building a shelf in the middle of the store. This was probably the best part of the day, the floor manager James is the best guy ever, super patient and actually knows how to tell people what to do. Sadly he's not the brightest person on the planet. What we were doing was putting stands on the shelves (so of like feet to keep them up right). The feet slide into place via an L shaped groove that is placed on these pegs in between the shelf pieces. Instead of shimmying the L groove into the pegs through James decides to wail on the feet with a mallet until it somehow sticks on. Somehow we get the shelf up and it's time to clean up. After cleaning up I go outside and jump in the car for the ride home.
Overall it was a pretty decent day, but my body aches especially my feet from the boots. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning...oh speaking of morning, my hours got shifted. Instead of 7am to 3pm, its now 5am to 2pm except on Friday which is 5am to 11am (clocks out to an extra hour a week which I don't mind). Fuck mornings.
Wednesday 27 July 2011
Something other than "I'm bored and I live in the country"
I have an interview at Canadian Tire on Friday. I'd say it's perfect timing, but to be quite honest it would have been better before. It actually is really good timing though, because I need an income and statements there of to prove shit to my OSAP people. Hopefully I can get all my shit together before August 22nd, which is my appointment for my loan. It's now a race against time. I don't care if I work every day of the week, it'll be money and it'll be something to do. Although I will miss the weekends with my friends which I often don't mention, but they're the best parts of the summer right now. I should probably lighten the blog up a bit since it's a log of whats happening and how I feel rather than EMO EMO OMG SHE BROKE MY HEART TINY VIOLIN.
So let's hope the interview goes well, they're lacking for people that last time I've checked but I put my resume in forever ago. I don't know what to expect really.
...LMFAO, oh god, I just spent like 15 minutes thinking of something to write but I've got it now. So my sister used to work at this Canadian Tire. She says the people are terrible (as a customer I'd have to agree) and that the job itself kind of really sucks. Whatever it's money. The thing is that she quit this job after basically a month maybe. Everyone in the family was like "WTF? You had a job...that paid money!" but then we just accepted it. Anyways, if I do get a job I will have to quit after a month. Why? I'm going to be moving to Kingston so I can go to school (I will avoid saying this in the interview at all costs). That realization made me burst into laughter. Should be fun.
Okay, nothing really else has changed in terms of lifestyle, sad thing is that I'm still about 260. God damn food and booze and willpower. I know I can lose this, I have to lose this, college chicks...vaginas...boobs. My motivation will be in front of me soon enough and I'll remember why I'm supposed to torture my body. If it takes a year or two it'll be fine, because that just means there's still 3 years of college chicks at least. Oh and I guess there's health benefits blah blah blah, I just want the pussy.
-Marz
So let's hope the interview goes well, they're lacking for people that last time I've checked but I put my resume in forever ago. I don't know what to expect really.
...LMFAO, oh god, I just spent like 15 minutes thinking of something to write but I've got it now. So my sister used to work at this Canadian Tire. She says the people are terrible (as a customer I'd have to agree) and that the job itself kind of really sucks. Whatever it's money. The thing is that she quit this job after basically a month maybe. Everyone in the family was like "WTF? You had a job...that paid money!" but then we just accepted it. Anyways, if I do get a job I will have to quit after a month. Why? I'm going to be moving to Kingston so I can go to school (I will avoid saying this in the interview at all costs). That realization made me burst into laughter. Should be fun.
Okay, nothing really else has changed in terms of lifestyle, sad thing is that I'm still about 260. God damn food and booze and willpower. I know I can lose this, I have to lose this, college chicks...vaginas...boobs. My motivation will be in front of me soon enough and I'll remember why I'm supposed to torture my body. If it takes a year or two it'll be fine, because that just means there's still 3 years of college chicks at least. Oh and I guess there's health benefits blah blah blah, I just want the pussy.
-Marz
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Country Crazies
Every day I tell myself : Only two more months.
I can't help myself from waking up at noon. This might be because I'm staying up till 2 or 3, but I used to do that and still be able to wake up at 9 or 10 and be fine. I need to set an alarm.
I'm into my routine of working out again, which is awesome. I'm watching what I'm eating, excluding today...my sister makes the best cookies. Right now I'm on hole 6 of my big belt, and hole 1 of my small belt (the belt that didn't fit me at all when I first started). Boost of confidence there. Brushing my teeth more regularly, I swear, every time I sleep over at a place I lose my rhythm so I just have to mimic the brushing when I sleep over, or bring my toothbrush, I guess that makes more sense.
Anyways I'm feeling a bit better now that I realize what I just typed. I still have to go biking and learn some french but baby steps...again, I must stick with my rhythm and my routine. It's not that hard, I actually enjoy lifting my weights, I just think of people I'd like to beat the crap out of when I'm lifting.
Other than that I can safely say I'm probably going crazy out of boredom, I'm doing my best to constantly play games or watch interesting TV to keep my mind going. I'd like to go for a walk at night but it seems ridiculous scary to me. Not only that but my mind likes to think up lots of fucked up things that could get me while I'm out there (or even when I'm in the house). Walking around the house at night when everything is dark, thinking something is just down the hall or across the room, standing in the darkness slowly moving towards me, that's what I'm thinking of.
What else? Still wish I had a girlfriend, buts that's normal. That's a lot of the reason for the whole "two more months" thing. I go to college, I meet people, people I could possibly have a decent relationship with, I can start to do things again, I'll have money hopefully. In two months my problems go away, I just hate waiting.
I guess that's it. Ugh.
-Marz
I can't help myself from waking up at noon. This might be because I'm staying up till 2 or 3, but I used to do that and still be able to wake up at 9 or 10 and be fine. I need to set an alarm.
I'm into my routine of working out again, which is awesome. I'm watching what I'm eating, excluding today...my sister makes the best cookies. Right now I'm on hole 6 of my big belt, and hole 1 of my small belt (the belt that didn't fit me at all when I first started). Boost of confidence there. Brushing my teeth more regularly, I swear, every time I sleep over at a place I lose my rhythm so I just have to mimic the brushing when I sleep over, or bring my toothbrush, I guess that makes more sense.
Anyways I'm feeling a bit better now that I realize what I just typed. I still have to go biking and learn some french but baby steps...again, I must stick with my rhythm and my routine. It's not that hard, I actually enjoy lifting my weights, I just think of people I'd like to beat the crap out of when I'm lifting.
Other than that I can safely say I'm probably going crazy out of boredom, I'm doing my best to constantly play games or watch interesting TV to keep my mind going. I'd like to go for a walk at night but it seems ridiculous scary to me. Not only that but my mind likes to think up lots of fucked up things that could get me while I'm out there (or even when I'm in the house). Walking around the house at night when everything is dark, thinking something is just down the hall or across the room, standing in the darkness slowly moving towards me, that's what I'm thinking of.
What else? Still wish I had a girlfriend, buts that's normal. That's a lot of the reason for the whole "two more months" thing. I go to college, I meet people, people I could possibly have a decent relationship with, I can start to do things again, I'll have money hopefully. In two months my problems go away, I just hate waiting.
I guess that's it. Ugh.
-Marz
Thursday 23 June 2011
It's been awhile, it's not that I haven't wanted to post, it's just that I'm lazy and dumb.
I keep thinking I'd want this blog to be a log of how I'm feeling during my many phases, I'd call myself somewhat bi-polar or at least spastic in my moods most weeks. The thing I thought would be cool about a log would be to see what is affecting me the most in my life and how I dealt with it, sort of a record of my lessons to myself. Seems overly complicated because it is, think of this as a memory sheet for stupid shit I shouldn't do again or a memory sheet that I'll laugh at (or become sad over) later in life.
Where should I start...
Well I guess I can say I'm getting into the habit of somewhat dieting now, I'm watching what I'm eating carefully although I do slip sometimes but the slip typically doesn't account for much in the long run so I'm not too worried, slow and steady. I'd like to eat less to quicken the shedding of pounds but I dunno if I could do it. Most of the "snacks" in my house are what some people would call meals so I often find myself eating a meal a few hours before my actual dinner. The way I get around this is by packing away about half or so of the dinner my mom cooks. I've been raised to clear my plate and in my head that means eat until nothing is left even if you are stuffed, no food to waste. if I see a plate with food on it (unless it's food a very much dislike) I will eat it only to satisfy that urge to clear a plate. I don't know if that could be considered a disorder of some kind but whatever, I'm working on it.
I need to work out more, I keep telling myself to go for a bike ride and end up not doing it throughout the day. Although at night I get this urge to go for a bike ride, I'm a night owl anyway, but I'm afraid of biking at night because of cars and such (country roads with speeders up the ass) not to mention my parents probably wouldn't want me out there either and the bugs would rape me. I can still do my weight sessions but I'm a bit lax on them as well, but I just have to sit down and do them, they're not hard its just that I have to do them. The bad part is I'm pretty sure I've got a case of carpal tunnel so my wrist is hurting like a bitch which might cause some difficulty with some of the exercises....but that's an excuse I realize as I type this out, that's why the log is important, some myself my excuses and get over them...hopefully.
I still don't have a job which I'm sure is getting on the nerves of some people (sorry Calvin). Next time my mom and I go into Napanee I'll drop by Canadian Tire and hopefully be hired...I hate looking for a job. Everywhere I've handed out a resume or filled out an application hasn't responded back. What's wrong with me? Or is it just some sort of economy thing? Either way, fuck that shit, this only strengthens my resolve to become a doctor and know I'll have a job.
This weekend should be fun, my sister and I are having a bonfire/camp out at our house. She's invited a lot of her friends and a lot of my friends should be coming as well. Drunk games of man hunt and drinking games with fire while surrounded by a forest sounds like my kind of fun. Tomorrow I have to go into the woods with my sis and tag some of the more dangerous areas so we know where to go/avoid. Anyways maybe someone will bring someone I don't know who I can insert my penis in.
Speaking of that, recently I've begun to kind of just...I guess feel sad, lonely is the better word. I keep wanting some girl in my room to talk to or watch movies with, I miss that. I'm content though honestly, but I find myself thinking about having a chick just there to talk to and memories of talking with the ex until 3am keep pestering me while I sleep. A couple nights ago I had a dream about her where we were still together and... oh what happened? Something, I remember being happy though (she was less of a bitch in my dream at least). Those types of dreams aren't helping my state of mind. I think I might have caught myself in some sort of multiple personality thing 2 days ago. I was cleaning my room and making my bed just mindlessly and I stopped and unconsciously thought "She was right, I was wrong", no context, just out of the blue, I don't remember thinking of anything before that I didn't really talk to anyone that day about anything. I was just cleaning my room, stopped and heard that sentence in my head. The more I'm stuck here by myself without fast enough internet to scream at kids on xbox or my computer the more I think I'm going crazy. That little tidbit kind of confirmed it to me.
My friends seem to want to get into the habit of going out to bars and clubs on the weekends, which I don't mind in a way. I know it'll be good for us, it's out of our comfort zone to say the least. The only thing I don't like is it confirms everything I dislike about society. On Steve's birthday I was just watching the interactions of the gorillas and whores and it's ridiculous. Just walk up behind a girl, hump her a bit and then you're golden. I don't understand and I don't want to, these are not the girls I'm looking for, I know I don't want a one night stand despite all my "I wanna bang so many chicks" mentality, I want a girlfriend. I enjoy the connection with someone in other ways than just my penis. Sadly it seems those type of girls are exactly like me, hiding behind a computer until 3am at night. Which makes me think I have to embrace my nerdiness more.
I want a nerd girl? I have to go to nerd functions. Every action I seem to make is made to offend the least number of people and create a stagnant image of normality to everyone I meet. I should be doing what I love rather than try to love what others consider normal. I was thinking the other day of this topic, I kept thinking of hipsters and all this "I hate that" or "I liked that before now they're sell outs" or something like that right? I said to myself "I hate hipsters", but I thought for a second how retarded my mentality for defining myself is. I tried to describe myself to myself and couldn't think of anything other than a list of basically who I don't want to associate with. I defined myself by what I hate rather than what I love. Tangent: The first time I met Tom he asked me if I liked anime, I said no I dislike most of it, and I was ready to say more about it before he could convince me it was "totally awesome man". But he didn't try to convince me, he just said "Oh that's cool, I like a lot of it." and that was that, I thought it was surprising. Basically, he didn't force me to try his stuff, he just went on with his life. I don't know why I thought it was so groundbreaking but it hit me weird, I was waiting for a forced opinion and didn't get one. Wow I repeat myself a lot, whatever.
Basically the end of that thought is, I should embrace what I love despite what others think, the good people/friends will follow.
Did I forget anything? I don't think so, I'll hopefully post next week at least if any thoughts have popped up and stuck in my head, otherwise you'll miss out on most of the debate.
-Marz
Where should I start...
Well I guess I can say I'm getting into the habit of somewhat dieting now, I'm watching what I'm eating carefully although I do slip sometimes but the slip typically doesn't account for much in the long run so I'm not too worried, slow and steady. I'd like to eat less to quicken the shedding of pounds but I dunno if I could do it. Most of the "snacks" in my house are what some people would call meals so I often find myself eating a meal a few hours before my actual dinner. The way I get around this is by packing away about half or so of the dinner my mom cooks. I've been raised to clear my plate and in my head that means eat until nothing is left even if you are stuffed, no food to waste. if I see a plate with food on it (unless it's food a very much dislike) I will eat it only to satisfy that urge to clear a plate. I don't know if that could be considered a disorder of some kind but whatever, I'm working on it.
I need to work out more, I keep telling myself to go for a bike ride and end up not doing it throughout the day. Although at night I get this urge to go for a bike ride, I'm a night owl anyway, but I'm afraid of biking at night because of cars and such (country roads with speeders up the ass) not to mention my parents probably wouldn't want me out there either and the bugs would rape me. I can still do my weight sessions but I'm a bit lax on them as well, but I just have to sit down and do them, they're not hard its just that I have to do them. The bad part is I'm pretty sure I've got a case of carpal tunnel so my wrist is hurting like a bitch which might cause some difficulty with some of the exercises....but that's an excuse I realize as I type this out, that's why the log is important, some myself my excuses and get over them...hopefully.
I still don't have a job which I'm sure is getting on the nerves of some people (sorry Calvin). Next time my mom and I go into Napanee I'll drop by Canadian Tire and hopefully be hired...I hate looking for a job. Everywhere I've handed out a resume or filled out an application hasn't responded back. What's wrong with me? Or is it just some sort of economy thing? Either way, fuck that shit, this only strengthens my resolve to become a doctor and know I'll have a job.
This weekend should be fun, my sister and I are having a bonfire/camp out at our house. She's invited a lot of her friends and a lot of my friends should be coming as well. Drunk games of man hunt and drinking games with fire while surrounded by a forest sounds like my kind of fun. Tomorrow I have to go into the woods with my sis and tag some of the more dangerous areas so we know where to go/avoid. Anyways maybe someone will bring someone I don't know who I can insert my penis in.
Speaking of that, recently I've begun to kind of just...I guess feel sad, lonely is the better word. I keep wanting some girl in my room to talk to or watch movies with, I miss that. I'm content though honestly, but I find myself thinking about having a chick just there to talk to and memories of talking with the ex until 3am keep pestering me while I sleep. A couple nights ago I had a dream about her where we were still together and... oh what happened? Something, I remember being happy though (she was less of a bitch in my dream at least). Those types of dreams aren't helping my state of mind. I think I might have caught myself in some sort of multiple personality thing 2 days ago. I was cleaning my room and making my bed just mindlessly and I stopped and unconsciously thought "She was right, I was wrong", no context, just out of the blue, I don't remember thinking of anything before that I didn't really talk to anyone that day about anything. I was just cleaning my room, stopped and heard that sentence in my head. The more I'm stuck here by myself without fast enough internet to scream at kids on xbox or my computer the more I think I'm going crazy. That little tidbit kind of confirmed it to me.
My friends seem to want to get into the habit of going out to bars and clubs on the weekends, which I don't mind in a way. I know it'll be good for us, it's out of our comfort zone to say the least. The only thing I don't like is it confirms everything I dislike about society. On Steve's birthday I was just watching the interactions of the gorillas and whores and it's ridiculous. Just walk up behind a girl, hump her a bit and then you're golden. I don't understand and I don't want to, these are not the girls I'm looking for, I know I don't want a one night stand despite all my "I wanna bang so many chicks" mentality, I want a girlfriend. I enjoy the connection with someone in other ways than just my penis. Sadly it seems those type of girls are exactly like me, hiding behind a computer until 3am at night. Which makes me think I have to embrace my nerdiness more.
I want a nerd girl? I have to go to nerd functions. Every action I seem to make is made to offend the least number of people and create a stagnant image of normality to everyone I meet. I should be doing what I love rather than try to love what others consider normal. I was thinking the other day of this topic, I kept thinking of hipsters and all this "I hate that" or "I liked that before now they're sell outs" or something like that right? I said to myself "I hate hipsters", but I thought for a second how retarded my mentality for defining myself is. I tried to describe myself to myself and couldn't think of anything other than a list of basically who I don't want to associate with. I defined myself by what I hate rather than what I love. Tangent: The first time I met Tom he asked me if I liked anime, I said no I dislike most of it, and I was ready to say more about it before he could convince me it was "totally awesome man". But he didn't try to convince me, he just said "Oh that's cool, I like a lot of it." and that was that, I thought it was surprising. Basically, he didn't force me to try his stuff, he just went on with his life. I don't know why I thought it was so groundbreaking but it hit me weird, I was waiting for a forced opinion and didn't get one. Wow I repeat myself a lot, whatever.
Basically the end of that thought is, I should embrace what I love despite what others think, the good people/friends will follow.
Did I forget anything? I don't think so, I'll hopefully post next week at least if any thoughts have popped up and stuck in my head, otherwise you'll miss out on most of the debate.
-Marz
Friday 27 May 2011
Oh christ I almost forget a title.
I guess I understand why people hurt themselves when they're sad (no I didn't cut myself on purpose, I just tripped and road rashed my knee). My Ex said she did it because it was easier to focus on a physical pain instead of an emotional one and I understand that now partially, I don't think I'd ever resort to such a thing although it's kind of helping me now. I guess you're wondering what I'm talking about.
These past few days kind of had me thinking about my ex and just relationships, love, and all that stupid shit. This thread on reddit sparked me thinking about it I guess. The topic was "If you could relive one thing, what would it be?" and about 40-50% of the answers were for someone's first love or the first time they had sex and such and such. It sort of depressed me about my train wreck of a first time. I sort of feel gypped. I knew I was infatuated with her, very much so in the beginning of things, and I'm with almost 100% certainty that I loved her at one point, why would I feel so intensely otherwise? I'm sort of mulling about in my own thoughts about what is considered love and the differences of young love, first loves, and all sorts of "loves". I've had this discussion before with the ex before and it never turned out well because we're too different in our thought process. I'm not arguing with myself in my head about these conversations anymore so I'll shut up.
The first time having sex for me was not exactly what I would call ideal, nor would any of the other next times I had sex. It might have been a combination lack of enthusiasm on both of our parts and pain for her, although I have some problems I'd rather not discuss here. Basically, it was in and out a few times, she said she was hurting almost tearing up in her eyes (no, I'm not hung like a horse or anything) and then we stopped. Very lack luster for the build up and I couldn't help but feel disappointed, she asked if it was good/fine. I said it was, not meaning it at all, in my head I kept asking "Is that it? Is that what sex is? This sucks."
The only 3 times I think I've had good sex...or at least moderately okay sex was drunken no condom sex with the ex which was only good because it was my first uncovered time having sex, more excitement over that than anything; "morning" sex with the ex when she woke me up from a nap with a blowjob that led to very enthusiast sex on both our parts, that's a good memory that sticks in my head; and then the sex with Amanda.
I don't think I had sex too often with the ex, she gave me more blowjobs than anything which was awesome, but I think I would've liked sex more if she liked sex more. Again, I feel gypped with my first try. I sort of regret it...I do regret it...the whole ordeal with her is one big regret. Although I guess I did learn some things (relationship-wise, not sexually...I'm book smart about vaginas.) I know what I don't like in a person, I know that I should think about what makes me happy and that if I'm not happy with a relationship I should either fix it or end it, and I know that I don't need a relationship to be someone that's happy.
Either way, the pain in my knee has often flared up when I sort of get to thinking about these things (thinking about them will usually put me in a downer mood) so I get distracted by the pain instead of continuing on the train of unhappy thoughts. Hmm... what else is new...
Nothing sadly...It's starting to get to me, the constant nothingness... My social life is non-existent excluding the weekends which are heaven to me because I'm doing shit, even if its the same shit I'm still doing it with other people. I wish we were going to parties though...meeting people and such. Although this upcoming weekend or wednesday or something like that we might be doing something with our friend Tom which would be great since he's a social butterfly which we can parasite off of to leech friends from.
Fuck I need to clean my room... I might quit Diet Coke...again. Drink water instead and such. Ugh, there's only one can left anyways. I think that works out to about 32 in 5 days.... which it like, 7 a day, that puts me over my guess of 1.5 liters a day and instead drops me at 2.5 a whole 'nother liter. Sigh, but I like it so much...today I noticed a difference in taste, I actively thought about quitting and I noticed that it tasted kind of fucked up. Willpower is hard to keep...or even think about. I have the worse work ethic of anyone I know. I just can't stick to anything. I have to constantly be thinking about it if I'm going to not do it...or maybe the reverse of that, out of sight out of mind? I don't know, I guess I can just limit myself to weekends and such. Ugh.
What else? Hmm...I'm going to go to bed and have a thousand thoughts swim around in my mind and I'll wish I could of written them down here but I can't think of them now. I guess that's it then.
-Marz
These past few days kind of had me thinking about my ex and just relationships, love, and all that stupid shit. This thread on reddit sparked me thinking about it I guess. The topic was "If you could relive one thing, what would it be?" and about 40-50% of the answers were for someone's first love or the first time they had sex and such and such. It sort of depressed me about my train wreck of a first time. I sort of feel gypped. I knew I was infatuated with her, very much so in the beginning of things, and I'm with almost 100% certainty that I loved her at one point, why would I feel so intensely otherwise? I'm sort of mulling about in my own thoughts about what is considered love and the differences of young love, first loves, and all sorts of "loves". I've had this discussion before with the ex before and it never turned out well because we're too different in our thought process. I'm not arguing with myself in my head about these conversations anymore so I'll shut up.
The first time having sex for me was not exactly what I would call ideal, nor would any of the other next times I had sex. It might have been a combination lack of enthusiasm on both of our parts and pain for her, although I have some problems I'd rather not discuss here. Basically, it was in and out a few times, she said she was hurting almost tearing up in her eyes (no, I'm not hung like a horse or anything) and then we stopped. Very lack luster for the build up and I couldn't help but feel disappointed, she asked if it was good/fine. I said it was, not meaning it at all, in my head I kept asking "Is that it? Is that what sex is? This sucks."
The only 3 times I think I've had good sex...or at least moderately okay sex was drunken no condom sex with the ex which was only good because it was my first uncovered time having sex, more excitement over that than anything; "morning" sex with the ex when she woke me up from a nap with a blowjob that led to very enthusiast sex on both our parts, that's a good memory that sticks in my head; and then the sex with Amanda.
I don't think I had sex too often with the ex, she gave me more blowjobs than anything which was awesome, but I think I would've liked sex more if she liked sex more. Again, I feel gypped with my first try. I sort of regret it...I do regret it...the whole ordeal with her is one big regret. Although I guess I did learn some things (relationship-wise, not sexually...I'm book smart about vaginas.) I know what I don't like in a person, I know that I should think about what makes me happy and that if I'm not happy with a relationship I should either fix it or end it, and I know that I don't need a relationship to be someone that's happy.
Either way, the pain in my knee has often flared up when I sort of get to thinking about these things (thinking about them will usually put me in a downer mood) so I get distracted by the pain instead of continuing on the train of unhappy thoughts. Hmm... what else is new...
Nothing sadly...It's starting to get to me, the constant nothingness... My social life is non-existent excluding the weekends which are heaven to me because I'm doing shit, even if its the same shit I'm still doing it with other people. I wish we were going to parties though...meeting people and such. Although this upcoming weekend or wednesday or something like that we might be doing something with our friend Tom which would be great since he's a social butterfly which we can parasite off of to leech friends from.
Fuck I need to clean my room... I might quit Diet Coke...again. Drink water instead and such. Ugh, there's only one can left anyways. I think that works out to about 32 in 5 days.... which it like, 7 a day, that puts me over my guess of 1.5 liters a day and instead drops me at 2.5 a whole 'nother liter. Sigh, but I like it so much...today I noticed a difference in taste, I actively thought about quitting and I noticed that it tasted kind of fucked up. Willpower is hard to keep...or even think about. I have the worse work ethic of anyone I know. I just can't stick to anything. I have to constantly be thinking about it if I'm going to not do it...or maybe the reverse of that, out of sight out of mind? I don't know, I guess I can just limit myself to weekends and such. Ugh.
What else? Hmm...I'm going to go to bed and have a thousand thoughts swim around in my mind and I'll wish I could of written them down here but I can't think of them now. I guess that's it then.
-Marz
Sunday 15 May 2011
The New Me
Lately I've been thinking about College/University. Mostly in terms of my image. There's a line in Undergrads (a TV show I love) that mentions you can completely change yourself when you get to College, the character talking about it was this punk looking chick who used to be an uptight Asian nerd type. That kind of change makes me wonder if I could do that, or more importantly if I want to.
To those wondering, I've often labeled myself as a nerdy type of person. Although I sub-label myself a dork. The Nerds are the people you see in the library studying every other minute and being very smart, the Geeks are typically either of the band type or the computer type, and the Dorks are the pale kids playing card games in the basement.
I don't really have a problem being a dork, at least a dork to the people who don't know me because that's typically what you would've seen me doing if I wasn't in class (or if I was supposed to be in class, because card games were more important than ignoring teachers who are telling us to listen). The only problem is that the negative connotations with "squares" and that could lead to a problem gaining friends. Although I've heard there's little to no cliques in College, that's just a guess and I'm assuming its a more party friendly High School. Of course I didn't really party in High School until near the end where we sort of broke out of our nerdy image and instead of skipping class for cards it was to go downtown (so we can play cards where people can't see us). This led to a more "slacker" image being broadcast to the people. I enjoyed it because others looked at us in a different light, it's almost weird thinking about it now because I can tell the behaviour changes towards me from people between the nerd and slacker eras.
The slacker was again a negative image, but it was negative in a different way. People don't hang out with Nerds because they'll tarnish they're image by being with the loser kids who don't see themselves as losers. They don't hang out with slackers because they don't want to be caught up in a bad crowd with the people who choose to be what the majority call the "losers". This of course breeds a well deserved sense of superiority in myself because I've told myself that High School doesn't matter as much as some people make it out to be. The real proving ground is College and University. I'd say I was half-right.
The entire point being that I don't know what I'd like to be, and I won't say I need to "find myself" because I'm right here, I know who I am, its the other people that don't know. I need to broadcast an image that shows them who I am. I guess that's achieved by "being myself" and some more after-school special messages. The sad thing is that not everyone is going to see me, or even if they do they won't like me for me. I just have to understand that people who don't like me aren't people I should be associating with and aren't worth being friends with. It's a lesson most people probably know but don't put into action, I know I've forgotten about it from time to time. This in itself is what creates confidence. You knowing that you're you and that nothing else really matters. Who cares if the stereotyped captain of the football team doesn't like you? Do you like him? No? Well then fuck 'em right? Exactly.
So I guess that means continue to be me. That title doesn't make any sense now.
-Marz
To those wondering, I've often labeled myself as a nerdy type of person. Although I sub-label myself a dork. The Nerds are the people you see in the library studying every other minute and being very smart, the Geeks are typically either of the band type or the computer type, and the Dorks are the pale kids playing card games in the basement.
I don't really have a problem being a dork, at least a dork to the people who don't know me because that's typically what you would've seen me doing if I wasn't in class (or if I was supposed to be in class, because card games were more important than ignoring teachers who are telling us to listen). The only problem is that the negative connotations with "squares" and that could lead to a problem gaining friends. Although I've heard there's little to no cliques in College, that's just a guess and I'm assuming its a more party friendly High School. Of course I didn't really party in High School until near the end where we sort of broke out of our nerdy image and instead of skipping class for cards it was to go downtown (so we can play cards where people can't see us). This led to a more "slacker" image being broadcast to the people. I enjoyed it because others looked at us in a different light, it's almost weird thinking about it now because I can tell the behaviour changes towards me from people between the nerd and slacker eras.
The slacker was again a negative image, but it was negative in a different way. People don't hang out with Nerds because they'll tarnish they're image by being with the loser kids who don't see themselves as losers. They don't hang out with slackers because they don't want to be caught up in a bad crowd with the people who choose to be what the majority call the "losers". This of course breeds a well deserved sense of superiority in myself because I've told myself that High School doesn't matter as much as some people make it out to be. The real proving ground is College and University. I'd say I was half-right.
The entire point being that I don't know what I'd like to be, and I won't say I need to "find myself" because I'm right here, I know who I am, its the other people that don't know. I need to broadcast an image that shows them who I am. I guess that's achieved by "being myself" and some more after-school special messages. The sad thing is that not everyone is going to see me, or even if they do they won't like me for me. I just have to understand that people who don't like me aren't people I should be associating with and aren't worth being friends with. It's a lesson most people probably know but don't put into action, I know I've forgotten about it from time to time. This in itself is what creates confidence. You knowing that you're you and that nothing else really matters. Who cares if the stereotyped captain of the football team doesn't like you? Do you like him? No? Well then fuck 'em right? Exactly.
So I guess that means continue to be me. That title doesn't make any sense now.
-Marz
Wednesday 4 May 2011
The addiction is a saving grace
I know a lot of my friends would say I'm addicted to Diet Coke. That's probably because I am. But I am because it serves a purpose to me. It limits my weight gain from drinking awesome tasting pop, it keeps me awake, and it allows my brain to have a crutch to lean on. It's a security blanket type thing I guess. Either way this is the time it comes in handy.
So I guess I should start with the most interesting thing in my life. My friends and I got fucking caught shoplifting by the fuzz...or to actually be correct, a team of private investigators working for the store.
See, my friends and I aren't that smart (in terms of common sense that is) and decided to ransack the same stores, at the same times, almost 4 weeks in a row. Cause you know, we're awesome criminal masterminds who are invincible, young and daring. For those of you interested this is how it worked: Calvin was the hands who would grab everything and drop it in the backpacks that myself and Steve were carrying. Steven was the main backpack, his being bigger and the fact that he was shorter made it less noticeable that Calvin dropped shit in there. My role was easy, stand there and block views in case people saw. I thought I was okay at it, I guess not.
We walked in, standard shit. Everyone went to our favourite aisle and we knew we weren't buying anything (all broke). We got to our aisle which had an unusually large amount of people in it, we kind of danced around and talked to kill time until it cleared up. I noticed an old balding man and a younger looking college kid walking together. They happened to cross our aisle maybe 3 times. I didn't think much of it at the time. Calvin juggles powerade bottles, I enjoy the thought that I showed him how to do it (juggle that is). The aisle is clear, he shoves the bottles into Steve's bag. I get closer to the other side of the aisle, I feel two packages of Kit-Kats slide into my bag, these make a distinct and loud noise. I think we're going to be caught. I wake to the edge of the aisle as Calvin is about to put more into Steve and I not so casually ask about Seinfeld (our unofficial warning signal). I make the mistake of mentioning the "Tippytoe" episode specifically. In retrospect I guess these are all omens of the coming times.
Anyways, we walk to a different aisle and I ask about buying chips. Less suspicious and I'm hungry for something other than chocolate for the 4th weekend in a row but no one has money. I notice the pair of guys again, maybe they looked at me, maybe they didn't, I had an uneasy feeling but attributed it to the fact that I was stealing. We started to walk out, Calvin walking a fair bit in front of us, Steven a bit behind me, not wanting to walk alone I wait for Steve to catch up and we walk out the door together. As we walk out we notice some guy trying to get out the "in" door of the store. (Side note: We'd seen many old people get trapped by this exact scenario and laugh our asses off but we figure we might as well stop and try to help, we're legitimately good guys, we just wanted free candy and mix). Anyways we half take a step towards him to help with the doors/tell him he's in the "in" doors when he busts free and grabs Steven. Steven instinctively recoils back (strange old man grabs you, you jump) and because of a flinch he's flipped and taken to the ground in which turns into a headlock. It's at this point I hear the words "You're under arrest!". At this point I contemplate running, I know the neighborhood and the shortcuts (I used to live near there), but I figure that Steve just got taken down hard, that young guy looks fast and running only hurts the charges that will be put against me. Plus why should I abandon my friend now, if I was in this situation alone I'd break down.
The cop and Steven struggle, Steve wants his glasses (he's pretty much completely blind without them) and the cop continues to yell about resisting. A teenager walks over and says that the cop is using a bit excessive force as a crowd gathers to watch. An idea appears in my head, I could elbow the manager and the young cop (both standing next to me doing nothing to secure me) and then possibly incapacitate the other cop to allow myself and Steve to run. I think better of it, maybe this young guy knows how to take a sucker punch. Either way, we're finally settled and taken through the store, I think to myself that I must look badass/like a scumbag being hauled through the store for shoplifting. I catch a glance at the hot cashier I was ogling earlier.
We're taken upstairs to an office. Steven and the older cop argue about identification and how he couldn't hear. He's visibly angry with us, I feel like I'm stoic, I mostly know I'm caught and I can't do anything but this is a first offense for a little bit of merchandise. He takes out the leaking bottles from Steve's back pack and un-cuffs him. The young cop checks my bag and grabs the Kit-Kats and tells me to grab the remaining stuff out of Steve's. I do as I'm told. The young cop tells us something about being caught and leads us into a bigger office. Steve and I take seats at a round table as the young cop continues to read us our rights and then fills out paperwork. I laugh to myself about the bizarreness of it all. I never expected to be caught (obviously). To calm myself down I ask whats the worst that can happen. The young cop says "What did you take? Some drinks and chocolate, it should be fine." Or something along those lines. This calms me down. I look to Steve who is looking at his shoes, he seems deep in thought or saddened, I could see both.
The older cop half yells at us. Saying we're lucky he's got the young guy doing the work because he's pissed. I laugh to myself (in my head because fuck da police). Cop drama tropes fill my head, Old Vet with the Young Gun; Good Cop, Bad Cop. I look at Steven and smile and he half smiles back. My coping mechanism to make myself and others laugh doesn't seem to make a good fit in this situation. The young cop asks about our friend (Calvin) and asks if he'd come back. I said I wouldn't expect him to come back "guns a-blazing" which I immediately regret.
"What did you say?"
"It was a joke..."
"Not the type of joke to be making now."
Yeah, I know, excuse me for being nervous Dickwad. Anyways, after giving them our information and Calvin's after a bit of a struggle (I try to protect my friends) they call the actual police to come and charge us because that's the law. I wait and listen to the radio, slowly identifying the songs and singing/dancing to myself. The older cops asks if I'm making light of the situation. I say I'm just trying to calm myself down (and also that he should go fuck himself with a cactus). Pretty sure he mutters something. The cop shows up, he's young. Steve and I look at each other knowing we're fucked now. We're being charged with shoplifting. The cop says "Oh, you're in the reserves (Steven)? They won't be too happy to hear about that." Does that sound like a threat to anyone else? Either way, we get our court date and shit and meet up with Calvin (Read his account at www.iwasnevergoodatnamingthings.blogspot.com) around the corner and tell him he needs to talk to the cop which he does.
When we're finally all free we drive to Steven's house, our previously illegally acquired booty still sitting in the back seat of the car. We sit down in this room. Go over the situation and our stories still reeling with adrenaline in our system. We take a few drinks, Calvin goes to bed and Steven and I end up staying up late playing Halo and watching comedy to calm ourselves down some more. Steven is visibly defeated by this whole ordeal but the comedy seems to have lightened him up and I try to cheer him up with my own jokes. The next night at his house we all get absolutely destroyed and drink the memories away at least for that moment of time.
Well...That's long. Fuck writing anymore, more diet coke, video games, and hockey please. I'll write life stuff later, I should have some other developments on this too (talking to lawyers Friday).
-Marz
So I guess I should start with the most interesting thing in my life. My friends and I got fucking caught shoplifting by the fuzz...or to actually be correct, a team of private investigators working for the store.
See, my friends and I aren't that smart (in terms of common sense that is) and decided to ransack the same stores, at the same times, almost 4 weeks in a row. Cause you know, we're awesome criminal masterminds who are invincible, young and daring. For those of you interested this is how it worked: Calvin was the hands who would grab everything and drop it in the backpacks that myself and Steve were carrying. Steven was the main backpack, his being bigger and the fact that he was shorter made it less noticeable that Calvin dropped shit in there. My role was easy, stand there and block views in case people saw. I thought I was okay at it, I guess not.
We walked in, standard shit. Everyone went to our favourite aisle and we knew we weren't buying anything (all broke). We got to our aisle which had an unusually large amount of people in it, we kind of danced around and talked to kill time until it cleared up. I noticed an old balding man and a younger looking college kid walking together. They happened to cross our aisle maybe 3 times. I didn't think much of it at the time. Calvin juggles powerade bottles, I enjoy the thought that I showed him how to do it (juggle that is). The aisle is clear, he shoves the bottles into Steve's bag. I get closer to the other side of the aisle, I feel two packages of Kit-Kats slide into my bag, these make a distinct and loud noise. I think we're going to be caught. I wake to the edge of the aisle as Calvin is about to put more into Steve and I not so casually ask about Seinfeld (our unofficial warning signal). I make the mistake of mentioning the "Tippytoe" episode specifically. In retrospect I guess these are all omens of the coming times.
Anyways, we walk to a different aisle and I ask about buying chips. Less suspicious and I'm hungry for something other than chocolate for the 4th weekend in a row but no one has money. I notice the pair of guys again, maybe they looked at me, maybe they didn't, I had an uneasy feeling but attributed it to the fact that I was stealing. We started to walk out, Calvin walking a fair bit in front of us, Steven a bit behind me, not wanting to walk alone I wait for Steve to catch up and we walk out the door together. As we walk out we notice some guy trying to get out the "in" door of the store. (Side note: We'd seen many old people get trapped by this exact scenario and laugh our asses off but we figure we might as well stop and try to help, we're legitimately good guys, we just wanted free candy and mix). Anyways we half take a step towards him to help with the doors/tell him he's in the "in" doors when he busts free and grabs Steven. Steven instinctively recoils back (strange old man grabs you, you jump) and because of a flinch he's flipped and taken to the ground in which turns into a headlock. It's at this point I hear the words "You're under arrest!". At this point I contemplate running, I know the neighborhood and the shortcuts (I used to live near there), but I figure that Steve just got taken down hard, that young guy looks fast and running only hurts the charges that will be put against me. Plus why should I abandon my friend now, if I was in this situation alone I'd break down.
The cop and Steven struggle, Steve wants his glasses (he's pretty much completely blind without them) and the cop continues to yell about resisting. A teenager walks over and says that the cop is using a bit excessive force as a crowd gathers to watch. An idea appears in my head, I could elbow the manager and the young cop (both standing next to me doing nothing to secure me) and then possibly incapacitate the other cop to allow myself and Steve to run. I think better of it, maybe this young guy knows how to take a sucker punch. Either way, we're finally settled and taken through the store, I think to myself that I must look badass/like a scumbag being hauled through the store for shoplifting. I catch a glance at the hot cashier I was ogling earlier.
We're taken upstairs to an office. Steven and the older cop argue about identification and how he couldn't hear. He's visibly angry with us, I feel like I'm stoic, I mostly know I'm caught and I can't do anything but this is a first offense for a little bit of merchandise. He takes out the leaking bottles from Steve's back pack and un-cuffs him. The young cop checks my bag and grabs the Kit-Kats and tells me to grab the remaining stuff out of Steve's. I do as I'm told. The young cop tells us something about being caught and leads us into a bigger office. Steve and I take seats at a round table as the young cop continues to read us our rights and then fills out paperwork. I laugh to myself about the bizarreness of it all. I never expected to be caught (obviously). To calm myself down I ask whats the worst that can happen. The young cop says "What did you take? Some drinks and chocolate, it should be fine." Or something along those lines. This calms me down. I look to Steve who is looking at his shoes, he seems deep in thought or saddened, I could see both.
The older cop half yells at us. Saying we're lucky he's got the young guy doing the work because he's pissed. I laugh to myself (in my head because fuck da police). Cop drama tropes fill my head, Old Vet with the Young Gun; Good Cop, Bad Cop. I look at Steven and smile and he half smiles back. My coping mechanism to make myself and others laugh doesn't seem to make a good fit in this situation. The young cop asks about our friend (Calvin) and asks if he'd come back. I said I wouldn't expect him to come back "guns a-blazing" which I immediately regret.
"What did you say?"
"It was a joke..."
"Not the type of joke to be making now."
Yeah, I know, excuse me for being nervous Dickwad. Anyways, after giving them our information and Calvin's after a bit of a struggle (I try to protect my friends) they call the actual police to come and charge us because that's the law. I wait and listen to the radio, slowly identifying the songs and singing/dancing to myself. The older cops asks if I'm making light of the situation. I say I'm just trying to calm myself down (and also that he should go fuck himself with a cactus). Pretty sure he mutters something. The cop shows up, he's young. Steve and I look at each other knowing we're fucked now. We're being charged with shoplifting. The cop says "Oh, you're in the reserves (Steven)? They won't be too happy to hear about that." Does that sound like a threat to anyone else? Either way, we get our court date and shit and meet up with Calvin (Read his account at www.iwasnevergoodatnamingthings.blogspot.com) around the corner and tell him he needs to talk to the cop which he does.
When we're finally all free we drive to Steven's house, our previously illegally acquired booty still sitting in the back seat of the car. We sit down in this room. Go over the situation and our stories still reeling with adrenaline in our system. We take a few drinks, Calvin goes to bed and Steven and I end up staying up late playing Halo and watching comedy to calm ourselves down some more. Steven is visibly defeated by this whole ordeal but the comedy seems to have lightened him up and I try to cheer him up with my own jokes. The next night at his house we all get absolutely destroyed and drink the memories away at least for that moment of time.
Well...That's long. Fuck writing anymore, more diet coke, video games, and hockey please. I'll write life stuff later, I should have some other developments on this too (talking to lawyers Friday).
-Marz
Sunday 24 April 2011
It's called will power. I'll get it somehow.
Okay, since it's Easter and I'm coming off a drinking/chocolate binge from the weekend I feel like a fatass. Not only that but we didn't manage to make it to the clubs. Our friend's fake I.D was taken after Calvin and I had the "totally awesome" idea of going to the casino. Apparently they have this thing called security, and they're pretty strict about the minors. Long story short, they gave us a huge break and basically just left us with a warning and a funny story of almost all of us getting criminal records in one shot.
But I don't think that's what this post is supposed to be about. What should it be about? My sense of willpower. I'm one of those people who keep saying they're going to do something and then don't do it...and I know that. Every time I think about my exercising/"diet" I keep thinking that I'm not doing it enough (I'm not, I keep "forgetting" to do it). Either way, this has to stop...I need to build my willpower to just stick with things. For starters I have to stop eating the boredom away, my life long habit of opening the fridge or pantry when having nothing else to do needs to be broken. I think getting a job would help with this (no call from walmart yet...still holding out hope) because I'd have my mind on something else and I wouldn't be at home, but never the less I need to control it.
Beside that point is that I need to learn how to approach girls and people in general. I preach a lot about trying to get what you want but when the time comes that I need to speak up I never do. I don't know why I do this. If I had to say its because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, afraid of failure and afraid of the judgments of others about my failure. I need to learn how to accept my crashing and burning, understand that I'm not perfect and that no one can be. I just need practice...but I feel weird doing that in front of my friends...I just...ugh, I don't know. I need to talk to more people. If I talk to more people I'll be more comfortable talking to others and thus it will ease my approach anxiety and my problems of talking to strangers (a lesson drilled into my head by my parents).
I might ... christ, stupid words and thoughts. Just type it, it's not that hard, commit motherfucker.
I might just go into town and have myself a field day. By myself walk around town, walk into the shops, talk to people in line, talk to the people just looking at stuff. God I feel nervous already. Theres nothing saying I have to only talk to girls (pretty girls) in fact, most of the people in my god forsaken town are pretty ugly to begin with so it'll make good practice. I might also run into my local "stoner" group, they have really hot chicks there. I've seen them walking around occasionally so it might be good to find a local teen group that could possibly party often (our other stoner group doesn't like us too much anymore). Either way...I have to do that...and I probably can now that I think about it...My sis' boyfriend is basically living with us now and he has a G2 meaning a ride into the town and I can call him up for a ride back whenever. I need to set my hours though and I need to commit to this. I don't care if I crash and burn, I will probably not see these people again and if I do who cares right? They don't like me? fuck them I got every other person in town.
Sigh. I need to do this, I need to, I can't just keep saying it. I'll figure out a date for my "field day" tomorrow. Other than that I've half-rehauled my exercise routine again. In essence I'm scraping the weights for more running. I like running and I think cardio would be more important to me at this stage. Either way, updates tomorrow, I'll tell you what the run is like and all that bullshit. Fuck life, but mostly nervousness.
-Marz
But I don't think that's what this post is supposed to be about. What should it be about? My sense of willpower. I'm one of those people who keep saying they're going to do something and then don't do it...and I know that. Every time I think about my exercising/"diet" I keep thinking that I'm not doing it enough (I'm not, I keep "forgetting" to do it). Either way, this has to stop...I need to build my willpower to just stick with things. For starters I have to stop eating the boredom away, my life long habit of opening the fridge or pantry when having nothing else to do needs to be broken. I think getting a job would help with this (no call from walmart yet...still holding out hope) because I'd have my mind on something else and I wouldn't be at home, but never the less I need to control it.
Beside that point is that I need to learn how to approach girls and people in general. I preach a lot about trying to get what you want but when the time comes that I need to speak up I never do. I don't know why I do this. If I had to say its because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, afraid of failure and afraid of the judgments of others about my failure. I need to learn how to accept my crashing and burning, understand that I'm not perfect and that no one can be. I just need practice...but I feel weird doing that in front of my friends...I just...ugh, I don't know. I need to talk to more people. If I talk to more people I'll be more comfortable talking to others and thus it will ease my approach anxiety and my problems of talking to strangers (a lesson drilled into my head by my parents).
I might ... christ, stupid words and thoughts. Just type it, it's not that hard, commit motherfucker.
I might just go into town and have myself a field day. By myself walk around town, walk into the shops, talk to people in line, talk to the people just looking at stuff. God I feel nervous already. Theres nothing saying I have to only talk to girls (pretty girls) in fact, most of the people in my god forsaken town are pretty ugly to begin with so it'll make good practice. I might also run into my local "stoner" group, they have really hot chicks there. I've seen them walking around occasionally so it might be good to find a local teen group that could possibly party often (our other stoner group doesn't like us too much anymore). Either way...I have to do that...and I probably can now that I think about it...My sis' boyfriend is basically living with us now and he has a G2 meaning a ride into the town and I can call him up for a ride back whenever. I need to set my hours though and I need to commit to this. I don't care if I crash and burn, I will probably not see these people again and if I do who cares right? They don't like me? fuck them I got every other person in town.
Sigh. I need to do this, I need to, I can't just keep saying it. I'll figure out a date for my "field day" tomorrow. Other than that I've half-rehauled my exercise routine again. In essence I'm scraping the weights for more running. I like running and I think cardio would be more important to me at this stage. Either way, updates tomorrow, I'll tell you what the run is like and all that bullshit. Fuck life, but mostly nervousness.
-Marz
Monday 18 April 2011
I sit here, flossing my teeth. Stay Classy.
No, I don't know why its titled that.
I have to say, cutting a couch in half is pretty fun. I don't how the movers got it in here in the first place but I certainly got it the hell out. I now have a love seat in its place. That might be bad news for someone who has to nap on it (it's not, its actually really comfortable despite lacking leg room) but it'll hopefully be good news for controlling my awkwardness once I get a girl in here.
At the moment I really need to clean my room, mostly due to my weights being everywhere and my general lack of using them. I'd have done my bench presses if not for the plates covering my bench. I've switched up my routine yet again to adapt both the majority's, my dad's and apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's mentality (having "body part" days) and to include some necessary cardio/fat burning exercises (Interval running). My plan is to use the weights M/W/F and run T/T/Sun, Saturday being my rest day because I'll probably be fucking around in town with friends. The good thing with this plan is that it shortens the amount of time I'll actually be working out, my running should be between 20-30 minutes at most (and half of it is not very much effort) and my weights are done after 2-4 exercises depending on how I switch it up. Another good thing is this forces me to shower, which is a habit I am still trying to work into myself. I guess I just don't like being naked.
In other news, I have my G1 picture drivers license. I can finally prove that I am me. I dropped by Walmart today, who are in a surprising and lucky twist still hiring (Thank ya Jesus). They copied my shit down so they can run the back round tests and now I play the waiting game yet again. She said the manager is back in Wednesday so that's probably when I'll be getting the call. Hopefully this will translate into busy work days, and lots of money with which to spend on bitches...or lots of cool gadgets, that'd be good too.
I'm happy to have my actual license now because it makes it easier for me to get into bars now (something my friends and I are getting into the habit of doing). This upcoming Saturday we'll be heading out to this club for my friends birthday, the first time we'll have gone to one. I feel like I should watch some Keys to the V.I.P to bone up on my game...cause I have lots of that. Talking to my dad about it makes me feel a bit more comfortable, again he preaches the "You're not there to impress anyone" mentality and that has festered quite beautifully in my mind. It's allowed me to unfocus on having/needing a relationship and instead focus on myself. Sounds selfish but its not, I just have a terrible vocabulary. I think I'm a nice guy I'm not actively going out to ruin peoples day with my arrogance. I'm not at douchebag levels of egotisicalism yet and don't plan to be. I'm basically there to go with my friends, to look at hot girls and generally have a good time. In the words of my dad "I never really had to go up to girls, just look like you're having fun and they'll come up to you".
We started talking about the new generation of youth and about how girls are more daring which makes me a bit optimistic for my vagina hunting night. I told him that my sister and I are the except to the majority, most youth don't/can't talk to their parents about shit which made him and I kind of sad, I will make my kids into my definition of "normal" and no matter how over-protective that sounds that's not what you're picturing. My parents were very very lax with their rules on my sister and I and I think that's what helped. I swear most of the people I know stir shit up specifically to "rebel" which just seems retarded to me, not to mention a lot of them don't seem to respect their parents. My dad started to feed me some tips on how to stay safe (read: gave me a healthy dose of paranoia) but he clarified by saying "I'm just telling you the stuff you won't know until its too late, you already know how to have fun". I almost asked about how to have fun, sometimes I don't think I know, I feel like the odd one out when we got out on the town, but I guess practice makes perfect.
Did that last sentence make sense? Do I give a crap? This is mostly a log on my thoughts. Anyways, my main focus is on weight loss and job gaining (yes I know I've been saying that for two months). I think I am losing a bit more weight, but its slower than what it was, which is my reason for adding the cardio. The "afterburn" effect is what I had a lot with my previous endeavors but that doesn't happen with the "Arnold" workout, but I know that running causes it with me. Not to mention I would like to boost my breathing capabilities and endurance, hopefully ridding me of my asthma.
Okay, I think that's it, if I have anything to report or any thoughts I should be posting tomorrow, otherwise its whenever I feel like.
-Marz
I have to say, cutting a couch in half is pretty fun. I don't how the movers got it in here in the first place but I certainly got it the hell out. I now have a love seat in its place. That might be bad news for someone who has to nap on it (it's not, its actually really comfortable despite lacking leg room) but it'll hopefully be good news for controlling my awkwardness once I get a girl in here.
At the moment I really need to clean my room, mostly due to my weights being everywhere and my general lack of using them. I'd have done my bench presses if not for the plates covering my bench. I've switched up my routine yet again to adapt both the majority's, my dad's and apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's mentality (having "body part" days) and to include some necessary cardio/fat burning exercises (Interval running). My plan is to use the weights M/W/F and run T/T/Sun, Saturday being my rest day because I'll probably be fucking around in town with friends. The good thing with this plan is that it shortens the amount of time I'll actually be working out, my running should be between 20-30 minutes at most (and half of it is not very much effort) and my weights are done after 2-4 exercises depending on how I switch it up. Another good thing is this forces me to shower, which is a habit I am still trying to work into myself. I guess I just don't like being naked.
In other news, I have my G1 picture drivers license. I can finally prove that I am me. I dropped by Walmart today, who are in a surprising and lucky twist still hiring (Thank ya Jesus). They copied my shit down so they can run the back round tests and now I play the waiting game yet again. She said the manager is back in Wednesday so that's probably when I'll be getting the call. Hopefully this will translate into busy work days, and lots of money with which to spend on bitches...or lots of cool gadgets, that'd be good too.
I'm happy to have my actual license now because it makes it easier for me to get into bars now (something my friends and I are getting into the habit of doing). This upcoming Saturday we'll be heading out to this club for my friends birthday, the first time we'll have gone to one. I feel like I should watch some Keys to the V.I.P to bone up on my game...cause I have lots of that. Talking to my dad about it makes me feel a bit more comfortable, again he preaches the "You're not there to impress anyone" mentality and that has festered quite beautifully in my mind. It's allowed me to unfocus on having/needing a relationship and instead focus on myself. Sounds selfish but its not, I just have a terrible vocabulary. I think I'm a nice guy I'm not actively going out to ruin peoples day with my arrogance. I'm not at douchebag levels of egotisicalism yet and don't plan to be. I'm basically there to go with my friends, to look at hot girls and generally have a good time. In the words of my dad "I never really had to go up to girls, just look like you're having fun and they'll come up to you".
We started talking about the new generation of youth and about how girls are more daring which makes me a bit optimistic for my vagina hunting night. I told him that my sister and I are the except to the majority, most youth don't/can't talk to their parents about shit which made him and I kind of sad, I will make my kids into my definition of "normal" and no matter how over-protective that sounds that's not what you're picturing. My parents were very very lax with their rules on my sister and I and I think that's what helped. I swear most of the people I know stir shit up specifically to "rebel" which just seems retarded to me, not to mention a lot of them don't seem to respect their parents. My dad started to feed me some tips on how to stay safe (read: gave me a healthy dose of paranoia) but he clarified by saying "I'm just telling you the stuff you won't know until its too late, you already know how to have fun". I almost asked about how to have fun, sometimes I don't think I know, I feel like the odd one out when we got out on the town, but I guess practice makes perfect.
Did that last sentence make sense? Do I give a crap? This is mostly a log on my thoughts. Anyways, my main focus is on weight loss and job gaining (yes I know I've been saying that for two months). I think I am losing a bit more weight, but its slower than what it was, which is my reason for adding the cardio. The "afterburn" effect is what I had a lot with my previous endeavors but that doesn't happen with the "Arnold" workout, but I know that running causes it with me. Not to mention I would like to boost my breathing capabilities and endurance, hopefully ridding me of my asthma.
Okay, I think that's it, if I have anything to report or any thoughts I should be posting tomorrow, otherwise its whenever I feel like.
-Marz
Friday 15 April 2011
Internet.
My internet sucks. The speeds are ridiculous. According to my dad we're paying for the highest they offer (according to their site this is 5Mb - mega bits - a second). That claim is absolute bullshit. They throttle speeds when you P2P which I don't mind because they at least admit it. The problem is that they're throttling me (I believe) even though my P2P is way way way below my limit. Not only that they also say that they check every 15 minutes to limit whoever is eating more bandwidth (to keep the servers running, again fine, keep the servers up but I'm not doing anything. So far its been about 30-40 minutes since I turned off uTorrent (average speed of about 30Kbs a second) and my speed tests are still showing crap (Average ping : 1300-1700, average download speed : 0.08 Mbs (megabits), average upload : 0.10 Mbs). Now lets do math everybody, because I think I might call these pricks soon since we are really not getting what we're paying for. I'll remember to spam speed tests tomorrow before uTorrenting at all to double check results and present them to my dad.
What we're supposed to be getting (my assumption according to dad and website):
5 Megabits a second.
What we're getting (according to speedtest.net)
0.08 Megabits a second
Okay, more math to translate that into the figures most people understand/use.
5 Megabits to Megabytes = 0.625 Megabytes
0.08 Megabits to Megabytes = 0.01 Megabytes
0.625 MB to KB = 640 KB
0.01 MB to KB = 10.24 KB
I will say again, that is fucking bullshit. I'm not doing anything but internet surfing right now. I'm the only person online (the only other person I could see being online is my sister, and she'd be streaming youtube at most). I understand that the 5Mbs is supposed to be maximum with other factors coming into play, but even with other factors I don't believe that I'm getting such a shitty speed. This basically means I can't stream videos without waiting triple the video length sometimes more, I can't play any online games because it's either too laggy or I'm immediately kicked for high ping, and I also can't download any games/movies very fast (uTorrent is by far the fastest thing I can do but it's still slower than I'd like) which means I can't easily acquire the single player games which would keep me busy/less whiny.
Anyways, I'll be talking to my dad tomorrow after more research. On another note my mom goes into surgery tomorrow (something about uterus cancer) I'm kind of worried, but I don't think I should be, apparently its a pretty safe surgery (I think). Hopefully all goes well.
-Marz
What we're supposed to be getting (my assumption according to dad and website):
5 Megabits a second.
What we're getting (according to speedtest.net)
0.08 Megabits a second
Okay, more math to translate that into the figures most people understand/use.
5 Megabits to Megabytes = 0.625 Megabytes
0.08 Megabits to Megabytes = 0.01 Megabytes
0.625 MB to KB = 640 KB
0.01 MB to KB = 10.24 KB
I will say again, that is fucking bullshit. I'm not doing anything but internet surfing right now. I'm the only person online (the only other person I could see being online is my sister, and she'd be streaming youtube at most). I understand that the 5Mbs is supposed to be maximum with other factors coming into play, but even with other factors I don't believe that I'm getting such a shitty speed. This basically means I can't stream videos without waiting triple the video length sometimes more, I can't play any online games because it's either too laggy or I'm immediately kicked for high ping, and I also can't download any games/movies very fast (uTorrent is by far the fastest thing I can do but it's still slower than I'd like) which means I can't easily acquire the single player games which would keep me busy/less whiny.
Anyways, I'll be talking to my dad tomorrow after more research. On another note my mom goes into surgery tomorrow (something about uterus cancer) I'm kind of worried, but I don't think I should be, apparently its a pretty safe surgery (I think). Hopefully all goes well.
-Marz
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