That feeling of closeness. That feeling of being loved. That feeling of togetherness.
I hate the feeling of loneliness.
I don't understand how to let go, I'm reminded my ex, I'm reminded of the good times. I know I don't want to be with her as friends or in a relationship for sure, but I miss the feeling of it. Of a relationship, that was the entire problem in the first place, I loved the idea of a relationship more than I loved her. Oh sure I was close to her, I loved her and everything, but the idea and the feeling of a relationship was more important to me; that's the reason the label bothered me so much. I realize now that I have to enjoy the person company, I have to be willing and to want to share my life with someone if I want a relationship.
Although right now, I'm enjoying being lonely. Being single does have it's perks for sure, I have all the free time in the world, no stupid drama about issues, and no woman to please or to wait on. Sure I miss the perks of cuddling and sex, but a warm bed with lots of blankets is probably the closest I can get to cuddling and my hand is getting pretty good at sex for sure. I guess I'm reminded of these issues when I see my ex or hear about other people relationships. Typically my only exposure to my ex is my own doing, because I enjoy my work with a camera more than the professionals, not to mention the idea that that is my dick being sucked is much more enjoyable. I remember those days through those videos and I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed them...mostly because I'm being blown but I enjoyed other parts I'm sure.
The question I keep going over in my head is do I delete them? For good. There's no going back if I delete them, I'm sure she's deleted them and even if she didn't, I don't think she's give them back. I think by deleting them, all the videos and pictures, that I could finally say I'm unattached and over it, but I just love my own porn so much. I wanted a collection of my girlfriends on tape, so far its basically 100%. By deleting this, I tarnish the collection no matter how perverted it may seem. Perhaps a collection is not a goal I should be trying to attain here.
Either way I'll decide to do something eventually. The point of this is to realize that I need to enjoy my own life, to collectively secure myself in my own being, before allowing another person into the mix. So far it's working out, I'm not obsessing over getting a girlfriend by any means, my daily girl talking and flirting (even if it's all for naught) are satisfied by my friend in my nursing program, we banter back and forth usually with sexual jokes and that causes enough brain chemistry to make me a well-rounded person. Not only that but I understand that it's not going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. Although I must say, my ego still takes a hit when she calls me her "best friend" or other such vile words, women are meant only to be masturbation aides correct?
So I'm back into working out, slowly but surely I'm working my way through a program, it's got set parameters and it's all body weight exercises that I can do in the apartment, so no early mornings or awkward gym moments. I'm trying to watch what I eat, I do pretty well right up until about 10pm, which is when I just start cramming food into my body for no reason. I don't understand it and I need to conquer it. I need to stop buying snack foods, they're the bane of my existence. My kryptonite. I'll sit and eat an entire bag of chips, a whole package of kit-kat bars, or some other terrible thing and then I feel like shit. What's fucked up about it is that I still end up eating about my maintenance level for calories... If I just cut out the snack/junk food binges in the night I'd be fine, I'd be down about 1000 Calories (or about 2 pounds a week). Basically I need more willpower.
The nail biting front is still a harsh battle, I make good headway and then I absent mindedly chew one nail; then I end up biting all the way down because "it's uneven" and then start chewing the others out of habit. I know I can break habits or at least I know I can create them. I did so with brushing my teeth just recently, every morning, every night. Not even a problem anymore. The other habits I have to develop are showering, cleaning up, and working out, 2 of which are coming along nicely. When I do my workout tomorrow it'll be the first week of exercising without missing a day :). I'm running/jogging to and from my buses to get some cardio in as well. I'll be running more after winter, or possibly during winter if I go to the YMCA, we're right by the track where I used to run when I lived here last so it'll be familiar territory.
I think that's it for now, I ranted before in the last post, and now I've legit updated. This is my log, this is for me to look at a year from now and see how far I'm gone/come, hopefully it's for the better. I'll do my best to make sure it is.
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