Issues.

Fuck. Fucking fuck fuck fuck.

Why am I eating? Why can't I stop? Can I be addicting to eating? Addicted to food?

Every time I tell myself that's the last binge and then a few hours later there I am again, stuffing my face full of shit...not literal shit, but junk food typically. I gotta stay away from this crap, that's what kills me every time. It's those snacks, I can't just have a snack, it has to be a meal. Even if I'm not hungry enough for a meal, I'll eat a meal sized portion. I don't understand.

I think what I'm going to do is wait for an auditory signal, i.e. my stomach rumbling, I get that a lot at school while I'm not eating. I'll take that as my cue to eat a meal, otherwise, I will be drinking water or diet coke. I'm sick of this, I'll be fine throughout the week typically, during school I eat a normal lunch and I'm fine, I get home, make a little something and I'm fine. Later in the night I feel hungry, not even super hungry, but it's there. So I'll eat, I'll eat a lot. It throws all the previous efforts to not eat right out the window. I can't lose weight if I constantly stuff my face, losing weight is 80% diet.

God, I really should lighten the mood. The good news today is that I might have a job soon. This new gas station just opened up about 3 blocks from us, I passed by it on Friday and asked if they're hiring and they are so today I handed in my shit and the owner/manager seemed to remember me, told me "to expect a call" afterward. I don't think this is wrongly placed hope, but if it is, fuck you god/super being. If I get a job, about 90% of my problems go away. Money issues, gone, boredom issues, gone, eating issues (typically caused by boredom), gone. The only other problem would be a girlfriend, and honestly it's not bothering me that much anymore. Even if it was I'm doing something about it. Fixing my hygiene, trying to lose weight through diet and exercise, trying to just be myself and be friendly/funny.

My only true problem right now is my self-confidence or self-esteem. I look down upon myself because I'm fat, lazy, and poor. A job fixes two of those, at least I wouldn't consider myself lazy with a job because I wouldn't be sitting on my ass all day avoiding doing homework. Let's hope the job works out and I can start actually having an income. In January my OSAP kicks in and I'll have some more money, not to mention my xmas money from my parents (it's money instead of gifts this year). Lets not get ahead of ourselves though, my parents are broke as shit so I'm not expecting much, and my OSAP is split between school and rent, I think I'll be coming out of it with 1000-1500 bucks though, so it gives me more time to find a job/work if nothing else.

Christ I ramble a lot. I don't think I've had a joke in these things for 3 posts, although I'm not sure I'm doing this to be entertaining anymore or if I even was in the first place. I think I started this as a way to bitch about my attempts at getting a soft fleshy thing in my bed, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it would now. I would still kill for some puss, but I actually think money and my education is more important... OH GOD I'M AN ADULT!