It's called will power. I'll get it somehow.

Okay, since it's Easter and I'm coming off a drinking/chocolate binge from the weekend I feel like a fatass. Not only that but we didn't manage to make it to the clubs. Our friend's fake I.D was taken after Calvin and I had the "totally awesome" idea of going to the casino. Apparently they have this thing called security, and they're pretty strict about the minors. Long story short, they gave us a huge break and basically just left us with a warning and a funny story of almost all of us getting criminal records in one shot.

But I don't think that's what this post is supposed to be about. What should it be about? My sense of willpower. I'm one of those people who keep saying they're going to do something and then don't do it...and I know that. Every time I think about my exercising/"diet" I keep thinking that I'm not doing it enough (I'm not, I keep "forgetting" to do it). Either way, this has to stop...I need to build my willpower to just stick with things. For starters I have to stop eating the boredom away, my life long habit of opening the fridge or pantry when having nothing else to do needs to be broken. I think getting a job would help with this (no call from walmart yet...still holding out hope) because I'd have my mind on something else and I wouldn't be at home, but never the less I need to control it.

Beside that point is that I need to learn how to approach girls and people in general. I preach a lot about trying to get what you want but when the time comes that I need to speak up I never do. I don't know why I do this. If I had to say its because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, afraid of failure and afraid of the judgments of others about my failure. I need to learn how to accept my crashing and burning, understand that I'm not perfect and that no one can be. I just need practice...but I feel weird doing that in front of my friends...I just...ugh, I don't know. I need to talk to more people. If I talk to more people I'll be more comfortable talking to others and thus it will ease my approach anxiety and my problems of talking to strangers (a lesson drilled into my head by my parents).

I might ... christ, stupid words and thoughts. Just type it, it's not that hard, commit motherfucker.

I might just go into town and have myself a field day. By myself walk around town, walk into the shops, talk to people in line, talk to the people just looking at stuff. God I feel nervous already. Theres nothing saying I have to only talk to girls (pretty girls) in fact, most of the people in my god forsaken town are pretty ugly to begin with so it'll make good practice. I might also run into my local "stoner" group, they have really hot chicks there. I've seen them walking around occasionally so it might be good to find a local teen group that could possibly party often (our other stoner group doesn't like us too much anymore). Either way...I have to do that...and I probably can now that I think about it...My sis' boyfriend is basically living with us now and he has a G2 meaning a ride into the town and I can call him up for a ride back whenever. I need to set my hours though and I need to commit to this. I don't care if I crash and burn, I will probably not see these people again and if I do who cares right? They don't like me? fuck them I got every other person in town.

Sigh. I need to do this, I need to, I can't just keep saying it. I'll figure out a date for my "field day" tomorrow. Other than that I've half-rehauled my exercise routine again. In essence I'm scraping the weights for more running. I like running and I think cardio would be more important to me at this stage. Either way, updates tomorrow, I'll tell you what the run is like and all that bullshit. Fuck life, but mostly nervousness.

-Marz