I guess I understand why people hurt themselves when they're sad (no I didn't cut myself on purpose, I just tripped and road rashed my knee). My Ex said she did it because it was easier to focus on a physical pain instead of an emotional one and I understand that now partially, I don't think I'd ever resort to such a thing although it's kind of helping me now. I guess you're wondering what I'm talking about.
These past few days kind of had me thinking about my ex and just relationships, love, and all that stupid shit. This thread on reddit sparked me thinking about it I guess. The topic was "If you could relive one thing, what would it be?" and about 40-50% of the answers were for someone's first love or the first time they had sex and such and such. It sort of depressed me about my train wreck of a first time. I sort of feel gypped. I knew I was infatuated with her, very much so in the beginning of things, and I'm with almost 100% certainty that I loved her at one point, why would I feel so intensely otherwise? I'm sort of mulling about in my own thoughts about what is considered love and the differences of young love, first loves, and all sorts of "loves". I've had this discussion before with the ex before and it never turned out well because we're too different in our thought process. I'm not arguing with myself in my head about these conversations anymore so I'll shut up.
The first time having sex for me was not exactly what I would call ideal, nor would any of the other next times I had sex. It might have been a combination lack of enthusiasm on both of our parts and pain for her, although I have some problems I'd rather not discuss here. Basically, it was in and out a few times, she said she was hurting almost tearing up in her eyes (no, I'm not hung like a horse or anything) and then we stopped. Very lack luster for the build up and I couldn't help but feel disappointed, she asked if it was good/fine. I said it was, not meaning it at all, in my head I kept asking "Is that it? Is that what sex is? This sucks."
The only 3 times I think I've had good sex...or at least moderately okay sex was drunken no condom sex with the ex which was only good because it was my first uncovered time having sex, more excitement over that than anything; "morning" sex with the ex when she woke me up from a nap with a blowjob that led to very enthusiast sex on both our parts, that's a good memory that sticks in my head; and then the sex with Amanda.
I don't think I had sex too often with the ex, she gave me more blowjobs than anything which was awesome, but I think I would've liked sex more if she liked sex more. Again, I feel gypped with my first try. I sort of regret it...I do regret it...the whole ordeal with her is one big regret. Although I guess I did learn some things (relationship-wise, not sexually...I'm book smart about vaginas.) I know what I don't like in a person, I know that I should think about what makes me happy and that if I'm not happy with a relationship I should either fix it or end it, and I know that I don't need a relationship to be someone that's happy.
Either way, the pain in my knee has often flared up when I sort of get to thinking about these things (thinking about them will usually put me in a downer mood) so I get distracted by the pain instead of continuing on the train of unhappy thoughts. Hmm... what else is new...
Nothing sadly...It's starting to get to me, the constant nothingness... My social life is non-existent excluding the weekends which are heaven to me because I'm doing shit, even if its the same shit I'm still doing it with other people. I wish we were going to parties though...meeting people and such. Although this upcoming weekend or wednesday or something like that we might be doing something with our friend Tom which would be great since he's a social butterfly which we can parasite off of to leech friends from.
Fuck I need to clean my room... I might quit Diet Coke...again. Drink water instead and such. Ugh, there's only one can left anyways. I think that works out to about 32 in 5 days.... which it like, 7 a day, that puts me over my guess of 1.5 liters a day and instead drops me at 2.5 a whole 'nother liter. Sigh, but I like it so much...today I noticed a difference in taste, I actively thought about quitting and I noticed that it tasted kind of fucked up. Willpower is hard to keep...or even think about. I have the worse work ethic of anyone I know. I just can't stick to anything. I have to constantly be thinking about it if I'm going to not do it...or maybe the reverse of that, out of sight out of mind? I don't know, I guess I can just limit myself to weekends and such. Ugh.
What else? Hmm...I'm going to go to bed and have a thousand thoughts swim around in my mind and I'll wish I could of written them down here but I can't think of them now. I guess that's it then.
-Marz
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