Lately I've been thinking about College/University. Mostly in terms of my image. There's a line in Undergrads (a TV show I love) that mentions you can completely change yourself when you get to College, the character talking about it was this punk looking chick who used to be an uptight Asian nerd type. That kind of change makes me wonder if I could do that, or more importantly if I want to.
To those wondering, I've often labeled myself as a nerdy type of person. Although I sub-label myself a dork. The Nerds are the people you see in the library studying every other minute and being very smart, the Geeks are typically either of the band type or the computer type, and the Dorks are the pale kids playing card games in the basement.
I don't really have a problem being a dork, at least a dork to the people who don't know me because that's typically what you would've seen me doing if I wasn't in class (or if I was supposed to be in class, because card games were more important than ignoring teachers who are telling us to listen). The only problem is that the negative connotations with "squares" and that could lead to a problem gaining friends. Although I've heard there's little to no cliques in College, that's just a guess and I'm assuming its a more party friendly High School. Of course I didn't really party in High School until near the end where we sort of broke out of our nerdy image and instead of skipping class for cards it was to go downtown (so we can play cards where people can't see us). This led to a more "slacker" image being broadcast to the people. I enjoyed it because others looked at us in a different light, it's almost weird thinking about it now because I can tell the behaviour changes towards me from people between the nerd and slacker eras.
The slacker was again a negative image, but it was negative in a different way. People don't hang out with Nerds because they'll tarnish they're image by being with the loser kids who don't see themselves as losers. They don't hang out with slackers because they don't want to be caught up in a bad crowd with the people who choose to be what the majority call the "losers". This of course breeds a well deserved sense of superiority in myself because I've told myself that High School doesn't matter as much as some people make it out to be. The real proving ground is College and University. I'd say I was half-right.
The entire point being that I don't know what I'd like to be, and I won't say I need to "find myself" because I'm right here, I know who I am, its the other people that don't know. I need to broadcast an image that shows them who I am. I guess that's achieved by "being myself" and some more after-school special messages. The sad thing is that not everyone is going to see me, or even if they do they won't like me for me. I just have to understand that people who don't like me aren't people I should be associating with and aren't worth being friends with. It's a lesson most people probably know but don't put into action, I know I've forgotten about it from time to time. This in itself is what creates confidence. You knowing that you're you and that nothing else really matters. Who cares if the stereotyped captain of the football team doesn't like you? Do you like him? No? Well then fuck 'em right? Exactly.
So I guess that means continue to be me. That title doesn't make any sense now.
-Marz
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