You can only find someone by not looking.

It's cold. Typing is hard. I need to at least get some of this down.

After my last post I again realize the reason I picked this name. I'm desperate. So very desperate.

That needs to change.

I'm pretty sure now that whatsherface doesn't like me in the way that I like her. I'm not going subject myself to a long drawn out "eventually", that doesn't mean I'm going to self-exile, I'm just not going to purpose anything. Friends is fine, she's mostly nice.

This 2-3 day crush I've had makes me realize a few things:

• I get fast and hard crushes for no good reason; I knew this already but it hammers the point in after this.
• I will discount a girl's flaws if she seems remotely interested in me; this is where my desperation stems from, I knew whatsherface was not exactly ideal when I first started talking to her. Yet I continued with my crush fantasies drawing me closer to where I am now.
• I can't distinguish when a girl likes me;  Are they being friendly? Do they like me? I have no fucking clue. I wish I did, just come out an say it.
•  I have absolutely no idea who I'm looking for; I was thinking about it today after school. She seemed fine, nerdy and nice, kinda funny with a side of touchy feely. But she's seems fake nerdy or at least pretentious hipstery, she's mainly rude and mean to others for no reason; this is fine when people watching and cracking jokes, but I've slowly gotten into a rhythm of being nice to everyone and making fun of everyone at the same time. Her humor is somewhat lacking, it's what I call "Holly Humor", internet memes and references only. I watch a lot of comedy movies and television as well, not only that but experiences lead to even more fodder but everything out of her mouth is internet or scathing remarks it seems. Touchy Feely is fine...so long as it's only me, I learned from the Ex that I'm one of the most jealous people you'll ever meet, maybe not more than Kyle, but I'd be close. 

Excluding the 3rd mark let's move on. I don't want to be desperate. I'm mentally preparing myself, I was waiting for an hour for my mom to pick me up today, so I paced outside the school doing my crazy homeless man impression by talking to myself. I was giving myself a pep talk essentially. I'm one person, I don't need anyone else but me (and my friends). Basically, I don't need a girl. I had this mentally when the girl well dried up and I kept with it and enjoyed it. After having a crush the mentality that went with that philosophy has collapsed and now I need to rebuild it.

Another point I've realized; I can't force a relationship. If a relationship isn't moving smoothly from one step to the next with participation by both partners then it's probably not worth it to pursue alone in the endeavor. By pushing a conversation a certain way or by raising the rate of sexual jokes by 40%, I'm only alienating the girl that is the target of my infatuation.

So basically, my girlfriend is my hand from now. No more crushes, no visualizing a girl as my girlfriend/sex toy. No more reading into things that women do, unless ever so obvious. No more discounting flaws that I know will bug me ("Holly Humor"). No more looking for my so called dream girl because I'm probably not going to find her by imagining that every hot chick will be her. You can only find someone by not looking. This was the advice given to me when I pleaded for advice on finding women. I guess it will now be my mantra.