I've probably never made this clear over this media source; so let me just spell some shit out for anyone reading this that doesn't know me (everyone but one person who probably isn't reading this).
I'm what you'd consider a geek/nerd even though I don't consider myself that type of person - I feel "normal" but I can't talk to "normies" so I've become the hermit that I am.
Due to this seclusion I have focused inwards (mostly mentally, because I am currently an alcoholic, fat piece of shit with "friends" who don't talk to me and I don't talk to).
Recently (read: ~8 months) ago I 'cracked' my neighbours Wifi password using my Dad's linux distro and bonding which I'm extremely happy for, we have honestly become closer discussing the type of havoc you could wreak on someone with what we are technically capable of; unfortunately for both of us we have a conscience and a belief in Karma (somewhat).
Currently I sit on a pile of journals filled with other's personal information that I could definitely use to enrich myself and half sketched plans of "robberies" that I spend a lot of my time thinking about while I'm shopping with my meager amount of money I earn currently.
I'm at the point where I realize I'm a fucking monster who isn't able to function within a normal society and I am about to start embracing that. I only wish I could find a someone to be monstrous with because soon I'll be too scary to attract normal people to be my friends.
Tuesday, 19 June 2018
Saturday, 5 March 2016
DRM
DRM
When I was a teenager my main source of gaming was because of pirating games through torrents, I knew this was not necessarily a good thing for the creators of that game but I did not have the money to purchase the game anyways; somehow in my mind that justified it at the time.
Later in life when I have a lot of hypothetical money I figured it would be morally and karma fixing to switch (or mainly) purchase games either online or in hard copy format. I have bought games I have pirated in the past even without the intention of playing them again initially because of the enjoyment I had from them in the past; the Total War series is a good example of this, I honestly wish I had bought the game earlier so that I would have a record of my hours sunk into Medieval II.
Right now I'm frustrated though, the majority of the time when I have bought a game that I enjoyed previously pirated I have to deal with either intrusive, always online, or plain game-breaking DRM problems (my own computer crashing aside). Having to create a million profiles for each different company is starting to get annoying, I already gave them cash do they need all my contact information now too? I don't want more fucking ads, usually people just use a burner email anyways and then you're screwed if you need to continue using it because you just want to play a game which you could play much more easily with a crack.
I sometimes feel as though I have burned my money for an inferior product...but you can't really compare to free in general, but making someone feel bad for seemingly doing something good is ...well... common I guess but still. Christ. Fuck you Stardock, I just wanted to play Sins.
When I was a teenager my main source of gaming was because of pirating games through torrents, I knew this was not necessarily a good thing for the creators of that game but I did not have the money to purchase the game anyways; somehow in my mind that justified it at the time.
Later in life when I have a lot of hypothetical money I figured it would be morally and karma fixing to switch (or mainly) purchase games either online or in hard copy format. I have bought games I have pirated in the past even without the intention of playing them again initially because of the enjoyment I had from them in the past; the Total War series is a good example of this, I honestly wish I had bought the game earlier so that I would have a record of my hours sunk into Medieval II.
Right now I'm frustrated though, the majority of the time when I have bought a game that I enjoyed previously pirated I have to deal with either intrusive, always online, or plain game-breaking DRM problems (my own computer crashing aside). Having to create a million profiles for each different company is starting to get annoying, I already gave them cash do they need all my contact information now too? I don't want more fucking ads, usually people just use a burner email anyways and then you're screwed if you need to continue using it because you just want to play a game which you could play much more easily with a crack.
I sometimes feel as though I have burned my money for an inferior product...but you can't really compare to free in general, but making someone feel bad for seemingly doing something good is ...well... common I guess but still. Christ. Fuck you Stardock, I just wanted to play Sins.
Friday, 22 January 2016
New Format Testing
What's the topic?
Improving this blog "Desolate and Full of Yearning" (DAFOY).
What is the blog about?
Why should I write it and continue to maintain it?
Is it benefitting me to write this or is it leading myself into thinking traps because I just think like that
Thoughts
DAFOY is lacking is actual substance material; I'm not re-reading my posts like I always do when I come back to this but I can recall its filled with myself bitching about being lonely and fat.
Surprisingly this isn't the only topic I talk about, just one that I feel comfortable talking about without sources and cites because I need to justify myself usually. I might have to forgo that to ensure that what I start typing will actually have words on it. Topics I can and should be talking about:
Nazi's and WW2 History; I make references to historical events from this in everyday conversation.
Illegal Drugs and the Drug War, particularly in reference to psychedelics and their potential therapeutic uses. I tend to talk people's ears off with this.
Canada's Health System (Previous Nursing Student, Currently in Health Information Management) I like Healthcare. I might have to do projects on certain topics anyways.
Exercise and Fitness, after being away from serious attempts to maintain active living I'd like to go back and research it again for some posts more seriously and hopefully kick my butt into gear again.
Gaming and Misc; I can't think of something else right now so maybe stories about myself playing games. or specific funny events.
So then...?
I must return to DAFOY with a specific topic in mind (more specific than "Nazis", example being "Operation Sealion").
I should have read up on the topic before hand so that I can type fluently and with ease.
Limit the number of references to yourself (i.e. stop using "I").
Hopefully all of this will improve the quality of writing produced here by DAFOY.
Smoke weed everyday.
Improving this blog "Desolate and Full of Yearning" (DAFOY).
What is the blog about?
Why should I write it and continue to maintain it?
Is it benefitting me to write this or is it leading myself into thinking traps because I just think like that
Thoughts
DAFOY is lacking is actual substance material; I'm not re-reading my posts like I always do when I come back to this but I can recall its filled with myself bitching about being lonely and fat.
Surprisingly this isn't the only topic I talk about, just one that I feel comfortable talking about without sources and cites because I need to justify myself usually. I might have to forgo that to ensure that what I start typing will actually have words on it. Topics I can and should be talking about:
Nazi's and WW2 History; I make references to historical events from this in everyday conversation.
Illegal Drugs and the Drug War, particularly in reference to psychedelics and their potential therapeutic uses. I tend to talk people's ears off with this.
Canada's Health System (Previous Nursing Student, Currently in Health Information Management) I like Healthcare. I might have to do projects on certain topics anyways.
Exercise and Fitness, after being away from serious attempts to maintain active living I'd like to go back and research it again for some posts more seriously and hopefully kick my butt into gear again.
Gaming and Misc; I can't think of something else right now so maybe stories about myself playing games. or specific funny events.
So then...?
I must return to DAFOY with a specific topic in mind (more specific than "Nazis", example being "Operation Sealion").
I should have read up on the topic before hand so that I can type fluently and with ease.
Limit the number of references to yourself (i.e. stop using "I").
Hopefully all of this will improve the quality of writing produced here by DAFOY.
Smoke weed everyday.
Sunday, 31 May 2015
Freeform
I was staring at this page for about 5 minutes before typing this trying to think of what to say; I no longer want the/this blog to be essentially me rambling without a point...despite this post being exactly that...again...
Once again I sit here, drinking, typing, talking and thinking to myself. An echo chamber.
No new thoughts come in, no ideas expanded on in meaningful ways. I begin to realize I need people in my life to develop.
The idea that I dislike or hate most people erupts from the veins in my mind; most people end up ignoring me or passing off my words without listening... I imagine scenarios of me giving a solution to closed ears only for someone else to eventually land at the same conclusion and thus gain the credit. This happens frequently.
The more time I've spent on this Earth, the more I've seemingly disliked my existence as horrible as that is to say. I've tried to keep at least a kernel of hope alive within myself by I fear the time is coming when my hope is lost...and I'm truly in the wind.
Shit has hit the fan...and its not even mine.
As the days dwindle in numbers and the darkness crawls closer I draw up sadistic plans in my head; the past days have been filled with combat footage and hate-fueled propaganda. I realize what this does to the psyche. I built up rage against people who have not wronged me; in reality, no one has wronged me only myself. Which is why I hate myself.
I've been trying to inject myself into the system for mental health help...its not exactly effective. My clinical days remind me how I would have reacted...to myself even, I would have done the same hearing myself. I sound like a fucking lunatic in person now I'm so isolated.
I'd ring peoples necks to get them to hear me, to listen, converse; and at the same time I want nothing to deal with them.
What the hell is this foil shit, humans are supposed to be social, that's why everyone else is social. Isn't that why I type on this wall in the hopes someone will eventually stumble upon (honestly unintentional plug) it. Seriously, jesus christ I was about the fucking berate myself again....in my head, typing it on this wall fuck me.
Back to the point (what was that?). I'm pretty sure I'm crazy...in some way, or just...not a productive member of society? My self worth is essentially nothing at this point; I was willing to get a gun and join whatever cause came first. Preferably a violent uprising within Canada against the government (fully unlikely unless some terrible economic shit hit to make people lose jobs).
My loss of hope for the future, or atleast my preferred vision of it (...you know, not homeless and dying) stems obviously from the tattered remains of my plans for a future. I'm drifting in the wind, rocked by the shattered realization that I should have probably killed myself 5 years ago to spare myself the pain of these past 5 years. Nothing has gotten better and everything has gotten worse. Quite literally from the day I was born both for myself and my family.
I hate this world and this society. I want a gun a cause and people to shoot if only to feel alive for a few minutes before my view goes black.
God this is grim.
I'm hopeless, but Alive.
Once again I sit here, drinking, typing, talking and thinking to myself. An echo chamber.
No new thoughts come in, no ideas expanded on in meaningful ways. I begin to realize I need people in my life to develop.
The idea that I dislike or hate most people erupts from the veins in my mind; most people end up ignoring me or passing off my words without listening... I imagine scenarios of me giving a solution to closed ears only for someone else to eventually land at the same conclusion and thus gain the credit. This happens frequently.
The more time I've spent on this Earth, the more I've seemingly disliked my existence as horrible as that is to say. I've tried to keep at least a kernel of hope alive within myself by I fear the time is coming when my hope is lost...and I'm truly in the wind.
Shit has hit the fan...and its not even mine.
As the days dwindle in numbers and the darkness crawls closer I draw up sadistic plans in my head; the past days have been filled with combat footage and hate-fueled propaganda. I realize what this does to the psyche. I built up rage against people who have not wronged me; in reality, no one has wronged me only myself. Which is why I hate myself.
I've been trying to inject myself into the system for mental health help...its not exactly effective. My clinical days remind me how I would have reacted...to myself even, I would have done the same hearing myself. I sound like a fucking lunatic in person now I'm so isolated.
I'd ring peoples necks to get them to hear me, to listen, converse; and at the same time I want nothing to deal with them.
What the hell is this foil shit, humans are supposed to be social, that's why everyone else is social. Isn't that why I type on this wall in the hopes someone will eventually stumble upon (honestly unintentional plug) it. Seriously, jesus christ I was about the fucking berate myself again....in my head, typing it on this wall fuck me.
Back to the point (what was that?). I'm pretty sure I'm crazy...in some way, or just...not a productive member of society? My self worth is essentially nothing at this point; I was willing to get a gun and join whatever cause came first. Preferably a violent uprising within Canada against the government (fully unlikely unless some terrible economic shit hit to make people lose jobs).
My loss of hope for the future, or atleast my preferred vision of it (...you know, not homeless and dying) stems obviously from the tattered remains of my plans for a future. I'm drifting in the wind, rocked by the shattered realization that I should have probably killed myself 5 years ago to spare myself the pain of these past 5 years. Nothing has gotten better and everything has gotten worse. Quite literally from the day I was born both for myself and my family.
I hate this world and this society. I want a gun a cause and people to shoot if only to feel alive for a few minutes before my view goes black.
God this is grim.
I'm hopeless, but Alive.
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
Drugs - Mystical Vision Quests and sailing on the high seas of a collapsing mind.
Watching myself fall apart is not fun; re-reading the same pep talks from days long past is not fun; realizing I have achieved nothing but failure is not fun.
For those who do not actually know me in person I am enthusiastic about drugs, specifically psychedelics and the promising research that was emerging during the 60's. New research is underway and is being supported by the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Science (MAPS - http://www.maps.org/, seriously go buy some merch as profits go towards more research). Some studies suggested that the psychedelic experience enables a more effective working relationship and better therapy sessions to occur afterwards.
For those who do not actually know me in person I am enthusiastic about drugs, specifically psychedelics and the promising research that was emerging during the 60's. New research is underway and is being supported by the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Science (MAPS - http://www.maps.org/, seriously go buy some merch as profits go towards more research). Some studies suggested that the psychedelic experience enables a more effective working relationship and better therapy sessions to occur afterwards.
Thursday, 27 February 2014
"Grown ups don't like my raps, but little kids do, that don't have a dad."
Biked 300 kcal (according to e-bike) for the past two days, makes me feel good, planning on strength training tonight and I think I'm going to severely de-load my lifts and intensely focus on full ROM and proper form. I'm going to put a lot of focus into a stretching program combined with my form roller to hopefully improve my flexability because my forms (specifically my squat) are horrible and my posture is not the best. I believe that putting my energy into stretches will benefit the other areas of my fitness endevours better than just trying to put more weight up and eventually injure myself.
I think I may supplement my Stronglifts routine with some extra weightlifting for upper body, focusing deltoid/shoulder area and triceps (i.e. glamour muscles). I am going to bring in my 10lb dumbbells from the shack into the house so that when I bike I can do flys at the same time. Tomorrow I think I'm going to do my restart of C25K which I've previously completed; all the talk about hockey tourney's and running has gotten me excited, I used to love running, I can love running again.
Cal will be scoring me some bud for my own sake; I will do what I did at the apartment and smoke up after a satisfying run or a long bike ride. Hit that runners high with a THC high. I sort of want to smoke the Salvia that I still have but my previous experiences with it haven't really turned me on to the whole plant I enjoyed my first few at the apartment but the last 4-5 times I have smoked it have been unsatisfying and didn't really do anything. :| eh, I am still hoping to be able to enter into an Ayahuasca ritual here in my damn tiny town sometime in April so I'm expected a dimensional rip in my psyche. In other words; I can't wait. I need to keep some money set aside for that though.
Tentative plan for tomorrow;
Wake up, plank, crappy pull up.
Research proper stretches for: glutes, hips, shoulders, legs in general, upper back
Put together a print out for these stretches with diagrams/pictures so I don't fucking forget, or draw my own pictures and practice them after cardio exercises. Cal says I can do ankle stretches at my desk. I'm making a concious effort to keep back straight and posture good (my at-home computer chair is extremely rundown as I've had it for fuck if I know how long so it doesn't provide back support).
Read through first 2 sets of slides for my Clinical Chemistry test that coming up, make notes on important shit, read back on notebook to figure out what I highlighting during lecture.
W1D1 using timer on smart phone rather than watch, might be able to find an "app for that"
everything else is whatever. Hoping to post tomorrow night - I want to talk about something other than just my life updates (like "the social game" and there is something else I wrote about in my nutrition textbook that I need to find so I can talk about that.)
Cheers.
I think I may supplement my Stronglifts routine with some extra weightlifting for upper body, focusing deltoid/shoulder area and triceps (i.e. glamour muscles). I am going to bring in my 10lb dumbbells from the shack into the house so that when I bike I can do flys at the same time. Tomorrow I think I'm going to do my restart of C25K which I've previously completed; all the talk about hockey tourney's and running has gotten me excited, I used to love running, I can love running again.
Cal will be scoring me some bud for my own sake; I will do what I did at the apartment and smoke up after a satisfying run or a long bike ride. Hit that runners high with a THC high. I sort of want to smoke the Salvia that I still have but my previous experiences with it haven't really turned me on to the whole plant I enjoyed my first few at the apartment but the last 4-5 times I have smoked it have been unsatisfying and didn't really do anything. :| eh, I am still hoping to be able to enter into an Ayahuasca ritual here in my damn tiny town sometime in April so I'm expected a dimensional rip in my psyche. In other words; I can't wait. I need to keep some money set aside for that though.
Tentative plan for tomorrow;
Wake up, plank, crappy pull up.
Research proper stretches for: glutes, hips, shoulders, legs in general, upper back
Put together a print out for these stretches with diagrams/pictures so I don't fucking forget, or draw my own pictures and practice them after cardio exercises. Cal says I can do ankle stretches at my desk. I'm making a concious effort to keep back straight and posture good (my at-home computer chair is extremely rundown as I've had it for fuck if I know how long so it doesn't provide back support).
Read through first 2 sets of slides for my Clinical Chemistry test that coming up, make notes on important shit, read back on notebook to figure out what I highlighting during lecture.
W1D1 using timer on smart phone rather than watch, might be able to find an "app for that"
everything else is whatever. Hoping to post tomorrow night - I want to talk about something other than just my life updates (like "the social game" and there is something else I wrote about in my nutrition textbook that I need to find so I can talk about that.)
Cheers.
Monday, 24 February 2014
Two Weeks Later
I seriously thought it hadn't been two weeks; I completely wasted my reading week (last 7 days) on videogaming, mostly because we have fast internet at the house now which excites me in many ways, online gaming, videos, ...skype I guess, mostly the first two; I also discovered a video lecture site for nursing information so I should be able to supplement that into my learning to hopefully help me.
I'm back to classes; just organized my group for a group project that due in 3 days; but should be do-able. Worked on it some today; mostly tomorrow morning and afterwards; also on wednesday I'm meeting with them to come up with a skit to do (because there is a 'creative' part to the presentation). Honestly not worried to much about this one because it is 10%, and the rubric is very lax; even though this is for the class I failed. I just got a 90% on that paper for the same class so I'm super happy for that which takes some of the pressure off for the interview and other paper.
Anyways; I've got another mental appointment set for March 10th in the morning, mostly we discussed eating plans and weightloss strategies because I emphasized that and said that would be the most important factor to my happiness, which I think it is. So far I've been concious of my eating, I had 1, maybe 2 bad days, but I hit sub-260 yesterday which cheered me up. I've been very good today (despite mcdonalds in the morning, but I just had a small thing and I've managed around it for the rest of today). I'm planning to do weights when I get home because its been 4 days; I didn't do any over the weekend with my excuse being Calvin but I shall do some even with him there because it isn't an obstacle.
I think some of the weightloss has come from me trying to enjoy these things called fruits and vegatables, I'm realizing I enjoy oranges which my mom has bought a lot of; I plan on eating more apples and bananas. I'm crunching on celery now, I now need to manage portions for dinner better.
I'm finding a lot of 'old timey' thoughts passing through my stream of conciousness recently; the ex chronicles of good times and some bad. It reminds me of the feeling called Love; currently I do not feel overwhelmed with depression though. I feel solid, like I'm working towards something again. I hope my weightloss journey goes good and stays good this time.
I also need to book my driving lessons for the upcoming end of march weekend course; I'm putting away a decent amount of money for it; I'm hoping to get some scratch from my dad as well and I'm on the fence on whether or not I wish to partake in some marijuana and how basically to spread my money because we also need to fix some farm cats before they get frisky.
Things crucial this week:
Workout consistently, 4x this week with bikes or runs on off days (I want to get back into running)
Mindful eatting, tracking intake and managing cravings.
Brush my goddamn teeth, its been awhile
meditate tonight and enjoy mental zen for a few precious moments.
Planning to post again sometime this week; didn't expect myself to let it go on this long after the streak of postings.
I'm back to classes; just organized my group for a group project that due in 3 days; but should be do-able. Worked on it some today; mostly tomorrow morning and afterwards; also on wednesday I'm meeting with them to come up with a skit to do (because there is a 'creative' part to the presentation). Honestly not worried to much about this one because it is 10%, and the rubric is very lax; even though this is for the class I failed. I just got a 90% on that paper for the same class so I'm super happy for that which takes some of the pressure off for the interview and other paper.
Anyways; I've got another mental appointment set for March 10th in the morning, mostly we discussed eating plans and weightloss strategies because I emphasized that and said that would be the most important factor to my happiness, which I think it is. So far I've been concious of my eating, I had 1, maybe 2 bad days, but I hit sub-260 yesterday which cheered me up. I've been very good today (despite mcdonalds in the morning, but I just had a small thing and I've managed around it for the rest of today). I'm planning to do weights when I get home because its been 4 days; I didn't do any over the weekend with my excuse being Calvin but I shall do some even with him there because it isn't an obstacle.
I think some of the weightloss has come from me trying to enjoy these things called fruits and vegatables, I'm realizing I enjoy oranges which my mom has bought a lot of; I plan on eating more apples and bananas. I'm crunching on celery now, I now need to manage portions for dinner better.
I'm finding a lot of 'old timey' thoughts passing through my stream of conciousness recently; the ex chronicles of good times and some bad. It reminds me of the feeling called Love; currently I do not feel overwhelmed with depression though. I feel solid, like I'm working towards something again. I hope my weightloss journey goes good and stays good this time.
I also need to book my driving lessons for the upcoming end of march weekend course; I'm putting away a decent amount of money for it; I'm hoping to get some scratch from my dad as well and I'm on the fence on whether or not I wish to partake in some marijuana and how basically to spread my money because we also need to fix some farm cats before they get frisky.
Things crucial this week:
Workout consistently, 4x this week with bikes or runs on off days (I want to get back into running)
Mindful eatting, tracking intake and managing cravings.
Brush my goddamn teeth, its been awhile
meditate tonight and enjoy mental zen for a few precious moments.
Planning to post again sometime this week; didn't expect myself to let it go on this long after the streak of postings.
Monday, 10 February 2014
Today
My mental appointment is today; 1:30pm. Figured I should gather some thoughts before I go.
I hit my highest weight basically again; yesterday I think I hit 267 and I've been 270-280 before, but 260 was my first plateau that I hit during keto, then crushed with actual weightloss later; but now I'm back. I've been looking back through the weightloss forum's FAQs and I guess I'll have to meticulously track my calories; seems to be the only way to be sure and actually lose weight. I'm going to be incorporating more fruit and veg into my diet but eating them first and when they're avaliable. General ideas are no more purchasing chips or fast food regardless of hungry, time, place, drunkeness. I'm going to stop drinking for the rest of this month even if I hang out with some of my friends.
Idea is I'll lose 10 lbs for March; high hopes. I am also thinking that will kickstart me back on track, seeing the number that has been climbing steadily finally go down.
My weight didn't seem to bother me before; I was fine with my plateau and I wasn't thinking about relationships as obsessively before (I know its a repeating pattern, but I hit a zen and was okay for awhile). These are the key points I want to go over. My jealously, my self-conciousness, my lack of self control and level of distraction brought from my overthinking the issues in my life. I'm procrastinating studying to type this out but I think it'll help out overall.
I feel fat again; It sucks. Going to eat less than 1000 cals if I can and add bike on top of that. I need to atleast get down more than my beginning weight; I feel as though I've thrown everything away.
I hit my highest weight basically again; yesterday I think I hit 267 and I've been 270-280 before, but 260 was my first plateau that I hit during keto, then crushed with actual weightloss later; but now I'm back. I've been looking back through the weightloss forum's FAQs and I guess I'll have to meticulously track my calories; seems to be the only way to be sure and actually lose weight. I'm going to be incorporating more fruit and veg into my diet but eating them first and when they're avaliable. General ideas are no more purchasing chips or fast food regardless of hungry, time, place, drunkeness. I'm going to stop drinking for the rest of this month even if I hang out with some of my friends.
Idea is I'll lose 10 lbs for March; high hopes. I am also thinking that will kickstart me back on track, seeing the number that has been climbing steadily finally go down.
My weight didn't seem to bother me before; I was fine with my plateau and I wasn't thinking about relationships as obsessively before (I know its a repeating pattern, but I hit a zen and was okay for awhile). These are the key points I want to go over. My jealously, my self-conciousness, my lack of self control and level of distraction brought from my overthinking the issues in my life. I'm procrastinating studying to type this out but I think it'll help out overall.
I feel fat again; It sucks. Going to eat less than 1000 cals if I can and add bike on top of that. I need to atleast get down more than my beginning weight; I feel as though I've thrown everything away.
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
Ball and Chain syndrome
Once again; I rant or at least complain about people and their relationships. My wrist still sort of hurts today but seems to be easing up although I can notice it now that I'm typing. This might be a short post due to time.
Ball and Chain syndrome:
Everything you as an individual decides must first be cleared w/ your significant other hereby referred to as 'ball and chain'. For example, we have a friend who we want to hang out with but he isn't doing anything unless him and his ball and chain are good with it. He also invited my other friend out, but only if his ball and chain could go with him and his, as well as another friend and with shackles. It's ridiculous to me; coupling, and the couple culture. You've got different sub-sets of human nature I guess; there is hook-up culture, there is couple culture, there is marriage culture, there is lonely weirdo culture too. It's all fucked.
My sister does this more often than not too; my mom and I often use the phrase "attached at the hip" when talking about them because I don't think I've seen them without each other in the same room in the past 2 years. People are getting less and less content with being alone and I find that messed up (ironic that I never stop bitching about my loneliness). Solitude can sometimes be great, I enjoy being in solitude when I choose - key word is the choosing part. My loneliness stems from my seeming inability to get close to anything resembling a normal or decent relationship with someone. A strong bond between minds, hearts, and genitals. Solitude can be great for expanding your mind, pursing interests, improving skills, masturbating, and a bunch of other things. I've learned a lot of history, read about exercises and stretches, I learned about meditating and 'mind-expanding' drugs (ex: entheogens or psychedelics - LSD, MDMA, Psilocybin, Marijuana to a certain extent). I've learned some about politics and geopolitics and generally improved my understanding of the world and the people around me.
Also I've learned a lot about myself, although not in a very meaningful way. Or in a way that I can apply in the real world. I've spent a lot of time watching pointless stuff; literally wasting my life, but what is really considered wasting your life. Is media wasting your life? Is talking to yourself wasting your life? Isn't your life 'your life' and you could do anything with it that you want, including wasting it. In a way, what you do with your life is never wasting it, you choose what to do; often times what you choose to do is what is, at least in a way, important to you. This makes me feel like I should study more; yet I continue to not do so. Although I did finish my essay today.
Ball and Chain syndrome:
Everything you as an individual decides must first be cleared w/ your significant other hereby referred to as 'ball and chain'. For example, we have a friend who we want to hang out with but he isn't doing anything unless him and his ball and chain are good with it. He also invited my other friend out, but only if his ball and chain could go with him and his, as well as another friend and with shackles. It's ridiculous to me; coupling, and the couple culture. You've got different sub-sets of human nature I guess; there is hook-up culture, there is couple culture, there is marriage culture, there is lonely weirdo culture too. It's all fucked.
My sister does this more often than not too; my mom and I often use the phrase "attached at the hip" when talking about them because I don't think I've seen them without each other in the same room in the past 2 years. People are getting less and less content with being alone and I find that messed up (ironic that I never stop bitching about my loneliness). Solitude can sometimes be great, I enjoy being in solitude when I choose - key word is the choosing part. My loneliness stems from my seeming inability to get close to anything resembling a normal or decent relationship with someone. A strong bond between minds, hearts, and genitals. Solitude can be great for expanding your mind, pursing interests, improving skills, masturbating, and a bunch of other things. I've learned a lot of history, read about exercises and stretches, I learned about meditating and 'mind-expanding' drugs (ex: entheogens or psychedelics - LSD, MDMA, Psilocybin, Marijuana to a certain extent). I've learned some about politics and geopolitics and generally improved my understanding of the world and the people around me.
Also I've learned a lot about myself, although not in a very meaningful way. Or in a way that I can apply in the real world. I've spent a lot of time watching pointless stuff; literally wasting my life, but what is really considered wasting your life. Is media wasting your life? Is talking to yourself wasting your life? Isn't your life 'your life' and you could do anything with it that you want, including wasting it. In a way, what you do with your life is never wasting it, you choose what to do; often times what you choose to do is what is, at least in a way, important to you. This makes me feel like I should study more; yet I continue to not do so. Although I did finish my essay today.
Monday, 3 February 2014
Re-reading posts makes me happy I picked this name for the blog
It really seems to fit; at least in my opinion.
My wrist still hurts, more so than yesterday, if it hurts after tomorrow I'm going schedule a doctor visit. Of course by the time that rolls around my wrist will be better (although I would still like to get an appointment with him for different reasons; marijuana). My life doesn't revolve around the green like it used to; which I'm happy for because it allows a clearer head. Although I think its made my drinking worse. I don't drink too often, but when I do I binge drink and if you have more than 12 heavy drinking sessions in a year you're considered a heavy drinker, so I guess I'm a heavy drinker based off of that. I am hoping to smoke with a friend of a friend (who now lives in Edmonton) he seems pretty cool and I'm hoping I can get some 'deep' talk from him; or atleast sit around and go "woah dude" and play mortal kombat. Not just because we're high and damn stoners just sit around all day (from my understanding the man is not a massive stoner like I used to be). He gave me the /r/psychonaut recommended book of Don Juan which I thought was...weird, but interesting and right up my alley so I hope to have more of the same from him; plus he can suggest some metal songs.
"My life's better without you, actually." - random quote from the hiphop I am listening too.
Forest Whitiker - Brother Ali
That seems bitter, am I bitter? I think I mentioned the dream thing in one of the past posts - looks back- yup. Well fuck; I need to get my mindset back. Just be me; taking things to personally in the current state and I've hit my zen before.
Today's observation; people look down as they walk by, we can not look each other in the eyes or we might interact. I posted on reddit about this type of thing, people can easily make a difference in people's lives or connect in a meaningful way if they just try - first habit, be proactive (thats one of those 7 habits btw Calvin, I'll lend you the book eventually). Basically it means, if people ain't doing shit, then you do the shit. The world is what you make it. You can't wait for it to be given to you, you have to take it. Seems like an obvious lesson, but how often have you or I looked at someone, thought of something to say and then just didn't say it. I'm finding it easier to interact with randoms but in the past couple days its been mentally harder and I don't know why.
reflecting on my past posts
Past Quote:
"I feel my life is supposed to be much different than this right now. I can't seem to shake that something will happen. But nothing does. Every time I come to blog because of a girl, or some shit. I feel lonely, depressed, this is the wall I talk to when no one's around. Because there is never anyone around."
That hurts to read; at least a little bit. But re-reading my stuff makes me feel like I write good and stuff; words, english. The trail back through the broken bits of posts show my mind melting then sort of coming back, then melting again... It's usually in a semi-solid state.
Yeah; reading farther back I can picture my life in the moment, I'm glad to have written what I've written and I hope to actually put my other interests on this; currently just sorting out my mental state - 7days till my counsellor meeting. But I can see in the summer between pre-health and first year when I was running; its all hope, all change, all forward. I miss running; past-me talks about a voice in his head pushing him forward (although the post talks about laziness as well) but it's true, I can remember it now; when you run you're basically just trying to not stop. Your body screams at you "Hey you're tired fucking stop bro" but if you can build your voice or I guess in a sense your self-esteem you can keep going and push through just breathe (aerobic exercise bitches). I'm enjoying doing my exercise bike and I'm hoping that me and Calvin can be awesome runners in spring and summer for prepping for our hockey team and general fitness.
Today was okay for eating me thinks, again I fucked up on my whole fasting thing, had breakfest with my sis and my mom, although I picked a smaller meal than a previous version of me may have picked, I had a sandwich for lunch/dinner and there is more than likely nachos waiting at home that my mom has made. Overall though I think I'm becoming more mindful of what the hell goes into my face hole. If I can keep control of my face hole, then I should be on the path. Just gotta keep walking; follow my footsteps back to where I was and then I'll pathfind the rest of the way.
Good talk wall; - initially was going to end it here, realized I've got an hour to kill and fuck doing my essay.
developing relationships = getting to know each other as people, frequent contact (popping in and spending time) -> pt. outcome = feeling secure (Williams and Irurita, 2004). fuck the rest of that cite though; sorry guys bust me for it.
How do I get to know someone...as people? frequent contact is the main culprit in my inability to form one of these 'relationship' things. I often ditch them pretty quick or stop talking once a date is confirmed. Perhaps this is due to the fact in recent...or at least the past times I've tried for certain women its out of a sick desperation or the fact that they're just pretty and I do not really have an attraction to their mind.
Speaking of asses; damn this one asian chick I've seen in the comp lab all day has a nice one, good jeans that just hug 'em. Ever get those weird visuals where you're just basically attacking a chick and molesting them. Neither do I. prob all the asian porn, they're super rape happy.
Women are objects, amiright? of course not; I've been raised in a misogynistic household though (women are dumb, women can't drive, women cook and clean - although the last one is my prefered only because I have a old fashioned view for family but I'm not opposed to helping out). I think that is whats messing with me... women are objects as a thought; because when I see them used in an ad strictly because they're sexy then...they're basically an object, for men to project their 'needs' on, needs being ejaculate.
Guys as a whole judge women on the scale of attractiveness, women do too; they just don't openly do it to the same extent. Free your mind bitches, it makes it easier to force an entire gender to feel bad about themselves and therefore allow you to take power (fat girls are sad and sleep with a lot of dudes to feel better, guys don't care cause vagina).
I need to get into the habit of chewing gum, I always have gum on me, but I just don't take it out and chew it. I've also heard of people developing migranes associated with level of gum chewing (ex, they stop chewing and the migranes stop, start and they start). So I'm a little hesistant to make is a consistent thing. I only mention this because I had an open can of pop here for the last hour or so and haven't taken a sip until I took my gum out. I don't know if that makes an logical sense, but I think it would help me eat less/drink less pop (maybe more water cause it becomes chilled water with mint gum - try it).
I keep just talking about myself; I do eventually want to talk about Nazi's, WW2 history/history in general, drugs and the drug war. But fuck... facts and stuff.
I am back to playing medieval 2:total war, but depending on how the Spanish Flu spreads I may switch back to minecraft, because I need to build more amazing shit. In fact, I might do that when I get home after I bike a bit; minecraft some stuff and make a post on that; because fuck it some of it is amazing to me.
My wrist still hurts, more so than yesterday, if it hurts after tomorrow I'm going schedule a doctor visit. Of course by the time that rolls around my wrist will be better (although I would still like to get an appointment with him for different reasons; marijuana). My life doesn't revolve around the green like it used to; which I'm happy for because it allows a clearer head. Although I think its made my drinking worse. I don't drink too often, but when I do I binge drink and if you have more than 12 heavy drinking sessions in a year you're considered a heavy drinker, so I guess I'm a heavy drinker based off of that. I am hoping to smoke with a friend of a friend (who now lives in Edmonton) he seems pretty cool and I'm hoping I can get some 'deep' talk from him; or atleast sit around and go "woah dude" and play mortal kombat. Not just because we're high and damn stoners just sit around all day (from my understanding the man is not a massive stoner like I used to be). He gave me the /r/psychonaut recommended book of Don Juan which I thought was...weird, but interesting and right up my alley so I hope to have more of the same from him; plus he can suggest some metal songs.
"My life's better without you, actually." - random quote from the hiphop I am listening too.
Forest Whitiker - Brother Ali
That seems bitter, am I bitter? I think I mentioned the dream thing in one of the past posts - looks back- yup. Well fuck; I need to get my mindset back. Just be me; taking things to personally in the current state and I've hit my zen before.
Today's observation; people look down as they walk by, we can not look each other in the eyes or we might interact. I posted on reddit about this type of thing, people can easily make a difference in people's lives or connect in a meaningful way if they just try - first habit, be proactive (thats one of those 7 habits btw Calvin, I'll lend you the book eventually). Basically it means, if people ain't doing shit, then you do the shit. The world is what you make it. You can't wait for it to be given to you, you have to take it. Seems like an obvious lesson, but how often have you or I looked at someone, thought of something to say and then just didn't say it. I'm finding it easier to interact with randoms but in the past couple days its been mentally harder and I don't know why.
reflecting on my past posts
Past Quote:
"I feel my life is supposed to be much different than this right now. I can't seem to shake that something will happen. But nothing does. Every time I come to blog because of a girl, or some shit. I feel lonely, depressed, this is the wall I talk to when no one's around. Because there is never anyone around."
That hurts to read; at least a little bit. But re-reading my stuff makes me feel like I write good and stuff; words, english. The trail back through the broken bits of posts show my mind melting then sort of coming back, then melting again... It's usually in a semi-solid state.
Yeah; reading farther back I can picture my life in the moment, I'm glad to have written what I've written and I hope to actually put my other interests on this; currently just sorting out my mental state - 7days till my counsellor meeting. But I can see in the summer between pre-health and first year when I was running; its all hope, all change, all forward. I miss running; past-me talks about a voice in his head pushing him forward (although the post talks about laziness as well) but it's true, I can remember it now; when you run you're basically just trying to not stop. Your body screams at you "Hey you're tired fucking stop bro" but if you can build your voice or I guess in a sense your self-esteem you can keep going and push through just breathe (aerobic exercise bitches). I'm enjoying doing my exercise bike and I'm hoping that me and Calvin can be awesome runners in spring and summer for prepping for our hockey team and general fitness.
Today was okay for eating me thinks, again I fucked up on my whole fasting thing, had breakfest with my sis and my mom, although I picked a smaller meal than a previous version of me may have picked, I had a sandwich for lunch/dinner and there is more than likely nachos waiting at home that my mom has made. Overall though I think I'm becoming more mindful of what the hell goes into my face hole. If I can keep control of my face hole, then I should be on the path. Just gotta keep walking; follow my footsteps back to where I was and then I'll pathfind the rest of the way.
Good talk wall; - initially was going to end it here, realized I've got an hour to kill and fuck doing my essay.
developing relationships = getting to know each other as people, frequent contact (popping in and spending time) -> pt. outcome = feeling secure (Williams and Irurita, 2004). fuck the rest of that cite though; sorry guys bust me for it.
How do I get to know someone...as people? frequent contact is the main culprit in my inability to form one of these 'relationship' things. I often ditch them pretty quick or stop talking once a date is confirmed. Perhaps this is due to the fact in recent...or at least the past times I've tried for certain women its out of a sick desperation or the fact that they're just pretty and I do not really have an attraction to their mind.
Speaking of asses; damn this one asian chick I've seen in the comp lab all day has a nice one, good jeans that just hug 'em. Ever get those weird visuals where you're just basically attacking a chick and molesting them. Neither do I. prob all the asian porn, they're super rape happy.
Women are objects, amiright? of course not; I've been raised in a misogynistic household though (women are dumb, women can't drive, women cook and clean - although the last one is my prefered only because I have a old fashioned view for family but I'm not opposed to helping out). I think that is whats messing with me... women are objects as a thought; because when I see them used in an ad strictly because they're sexy then...they're basically an object, for men to project their 'needs' on, needs being ejaculate.
Guys as a whole judge women on the scale of attractiveness, women do too; they just don't openly do it to the same extent. Free your mind bitches, it makes it easier to force an entire gender to feel bad about themselves and therefore allow you to take power (fat girls are sad and sleep with a lot of dudes to feel better, guys don't care cause vagina).
I need to get into the habit of chewing gum, I always have gum on me, but I just don't take it out and chew it. I've also heard of people developing migranes associated with level of gum chewing (ex, they stop chewing and the migranes stop, start and they start). So I'm a little hesistant to make is a consistent thing. I only mention this because I had an open can of pop here for the last hour or so and haven't taken a sip until I took my gum out. I don't know if that makes an logical sense, but I think it would help me eat less/drink less pop (maybe more water cause it becomes chilled water with mint gum - try it).
I keep just talking about myself; I do eventually want to talk about Nazi's, WW2 history/history in general, drugs and the drug war. But fuck... facts and stuff.
I am back to playing medieval 2:total war, but depending on how the Spanish Flu spreads I may switch back to minecraft, because I need to build more amazing shit. In fact, I might do that when I get home after I bike a bit; minecraft some stuff and make a post on that; because fuck it some of it is amazing to me.
Sunday, 2 February 2014
Trying Sailor Jerry although I'm normally a Captain Morgan
Disclaimer; I am drunk...drinking more because I feel it wearing off
So bronco's just lost superbowl horribly, jesus guys; you're professionals.
I wish to talk about relationships again and the stigma surrounding them. Seems like you're considered lesser if you don't have someone attached to you at the hip. It also seems like you're lesser if you don't have someone that you talk to "in a personal way" meaning that you can't actually be you to the public; like you have to be fake, instead of yourself around people in public to appeal or atleast appear to appeal to the masses. Can I not be myself around everyone equally? Sure you might not say you dislike someone; or hate someone even, around the public. But can you not express your ideas and feelings openly without fear of repercussion or someone judging you for it negatively, what happened to free speech (although I live in Canada and I'm not sure if it works the same).
I feel as though I can't truly be myself around people, I guess that would be a lack of trust with people. I'm also noticing my cynicism more often (which I thought I had dropped off in high school but I guess its back). The whole hating people as a whole thing gets old and also limits your ability to connect with people because you discard them so quickly and easily. During the superbowl there were a number of commercials; specifically about relationships and the bonds people form during them (which I have internalized as being very superficial and not true to heart). During these commercials or the highlights which focuses around relationships or even just sex tend towards an image of beautiful people fucking beautiful people because you know, beautiful; if you're investing 2 million dollars you better hope sex sells some of this fucking shit.
Not that I hate my body (although I do) but I would hope image doesn't play that big apart in connecting with someone. I don't know why I lie to myself, because I know it does. Who the fuck wants to be with someone ugly/unattractive. I feel ugly/unattractive, because of this feeling I do not openly attempt at fucking chicks or even trying to date them. The attempts of other men at women infuriate me because it seems at macho bullshit and "alpha" that the internet peoples discuss; basically it seems possessive. Although I'm noticing that my main problem is being mentally possessive of women who I am not engaged with and then develop jealous feeling prematurely which ends up being the downfall.
I read today a monk talking about people developing different worlds or perceptions as they progress through life. ex, diff worlds meaning happiness, sadness, jealously, lust, love, greed, all those "feelings".
He then mentioned that enlightenment is basically surpassing that, coming to a point where you are in a certain 'world' where you just are; perhaps you can experience those 'feelings' within that world, but perhaps you've attained a point where those feelings are meaningless, or that all interactions with the world only affect you in a way that you choose. I just watched the movie "Old Boy" and there is a quote; laugh and the whole world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone. Perhaps this is can be associated with the previous thought, often times within the movie the character undergoes serious fucked up shit, that should and would normally make a man weep, but instead he laughs it off. This is the world he has created, he chooses how he reacts and therefore the external stimuli do not affect how he reacts; his emotions and feelings are his choice.
time to take a drink.
I mentioned last post that I'm starting to feel lonely again, but talking about it to (essentially to myself but online) helps me feel like I'm talking to someone (if it helps, I do talk to myself outloud, in person, alone). I keep seeing stuff within ads or television or public media that show relationships and intimacy as the end all be all of interactions, or a great number of sex ads and media directed towards the demographic of "hey; at least if your relationship is abusive or unhealthy you still end up sleeping with someone at the end of the day; penises and vaginas all day". Or media directly associated with the attractiveness or beauty of certain people/celebrities (associated with me feeling or thinking I am ugly/unattractive), for instance my sister picked the seahawks because they had the better looking players, a distinctly subjective measurement of people. But ask enough people and you can find out if more people agree that the seahawks or the broncos are more attractive (i.e you can figure out objectively, attractiveness)
My wrist hurts, ROM is limited by what seems to be 20 degrees, 10 on flexion and 10 on extension, although I think extension is limited somewhat from the beginning (it's def not 90 degrees). It hurts; although I did do weights today; squat hurt when bar was support from wrist to keep on shoulders. I need to film myself for form check, I also want to print out a poster to put into my weight shed. I didn't stretch (although I've been working the wrist/icing it, hasn't helped much). Tomorrow will mostly be spent on an essay I've been putting off; hoping I can pull off 2 pages of it pretty simply. I biked 400 kcal the last 2 days, nothing today sadly and I probably ate the most today, I haven't been 100% on the 6-10pm thing; although I am seriously trying to keep to it, the first day (literally after I made the post) I ate breakfest at mcdonalds trying to DL a certain file and then realized I fucked my diet up at that point, I've been keeping okay with it after my initial fuck ups at breakfests, so I need to get that undercontrol because at dinner I'm usually okay...I think; today because of the amount of superbowl food I ate a lot.
I've gained weight from last week; I need to bike more. I hope to bike 200 kcal each day and keep true to my 6-10pm fasting plan. When I bike tomorrow after getting home for 200kcal, i'll stretch, do some pull-ups and leg raises and then shower. That's the plan atleast. So far for the week its working on essay for Mon, Tue, then sleeping at Sis'/dodgeball for Wednesday (along with essay), then if I can swing it, smoking reefer and talking psychonautics with a friend on Thursday.
I need a girlfriend, that comedy show I'm watching just mentioned it and it just reminds me of the connection everyone tells me I'm missing... My youth it wasted on my self-pity.
I need a girlfriend, that comedy show I'm watching just mentioned it and it just reminds me of the connection everyone tells me I'm missing... My youth it wasted on my self-pity.
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Want to burn fat? Self-Immolation
long essay of life
standard depressing dribble
So; it's happening again. I'm not sure if I may have a mild case of the S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) but I seemed depressed, or atleast overly angry/sad for seemingly no reason last winter too.
At least this time I have a reason for sadness in a way, I've gained back all the weight I lost which is really ticking me off. Not only that but I am having major trouble controlling myself when it comes to food, I am spending much money on food that serves me no purpose but to extend my waistline and misery.
See, my brain is making an excuse right now, I can identify it.
I am 'stuck' in town usually, often times without thinking to bring a lunch and I most often choose to eat at a fast food place or basically anywhere for food. I also end up buying way too much for a normal person thinking I will continue being hungry if I don't. I then have trouble throwing food away when I do get too much; the "finish your plate" problem.
I tried to hit a grocery store for making a single sandwich or something lighter the other day only to realize you can't really but enough things for one sandwich without getting enough crap for 20 more and I don't carry a fridge with me so I dropped the idea and when to a fast food place again.
Today I went to get fish and chips, not 30 minutes later I was in a Mcdonalds; no I don't know why. My mind was a battlefield of thoughts, warring with myself is not fun nor do I enjoy the thought of who won the battle.
This past week (11 days according to my workout logs) have been fruitless in endevours to workout, nothing (although I attribute that to watching over my sister's place over the weekend, which ended with me eating 2 pizzas (one shared), two orders of chicken balls, bagel bites, and chips. Not only that but I could've done some exercise I and chose to not go or do any type of bodyweight workouts. If I really wanted this I would work harder for it.
My nuclear option to myself is to try intermittent fasting; I am going to go with a 20-4 fasting period, choosing to eat only during the hours between 18:00 - 22:00. Basically this limits me to eating what my mom chooses to make for dinner on any given night. It also works out that the superbowl is during this time period because my brain threw on a red alert thinking I would not be able to eat nachos and stuff. Again this is basically a bad thought; I feel trapped by food.
I know that I should think of food as fuel, but I can't help but continue eating only because "it tastes good". This is how I got here in the first place and the only way to change anything is to change that. I've lost weight before, 40 pounds of the fucking shit; I was stuck at the plateau of 220 forever, I maintained it for a good 4-6 months (can't quite remember, but the feeling of frustration of not dropping lower bothered me for a long time). Now I'm back to 260 and I fear of going higher if I can't rein in my habits.
Weights and stuff
Anyways; my workouts are good; excluding the past 11 days (I did workout yesterday and made it the first thing I did when I got home; I enjoyed being back in my weight shed.). I think I will slightly alter my workouts to a 3set, 10-12 reps, instead of my current stronglifts 5x5 routine. I don't know why but I think it'll be good. I can atleast try it. I dropped my weights down by 10 for my 11 days missed (meaning 4 workouts straight) but I'm putting them back to normal for next time and planning to increase by 20 through those (using a straight progression 5 each workout).
I biked yesterday for a long time (seemingly, couldn't calc it because the damn bike computer batteries fall out as I pedal) as well as when playing NHL with my dad and watching It's Always Sunny xmas episode. I cleaned my room as well and got the heater in there so it is no longer an Ice fortress.
I plan to workout weights for the next 4 days after thursday when I am home. (tonight is dodgeball, and am staying at my sis' house, I will do squats and stretches there instead of my standard workout). I will pack gym clothes to stuff in my locker so I am able to workout in town. I have a water bottle now instead of constantly buying diet coke, but I still buy too much diet coke. My money is flowing through my hands only to be spent on stuff that flows through my body.
How is school? "good..."
Actually it is getting better, most likely because I have a much less hectic schedule which will be changing next year, but I'm hoping to be ready by then. I'm basically procrastinating on my essay which I planned to be writing / outlining right now but I chose this for my mental health (I have an appointment with school counselors for Feb 10th the earliest they could get me in).
When I am in town I do the readings for my classes (at least some of them - better than nothing). I've consistently done the readings for my professionalism class and was writing my clincal chemistry notes before class (although I now print them and makes notes on them in class during lecture). I did reading for the class I'm repeating, as well as gathering groups for my other classes. I am paying more attention in class as well; although I do not know how that will translate to tests.
I am finding myself to be more proactive and/or open when I am with the 1st years. Maybe I'm not afraid to be judged based on past interactions with them (since I have none).
I did the presentation for my group in one class after no one had come up with anything but I felt good that I did something worthwhile and my teacher seemed happy with it. We have another presentation worth marks this time and I am hoping to have group participation for that one.
I am currently not working on an essay for that class due in 8 days. Planning on writing / outlining tomorrow morning, some of the weekend, and most of Monday. I also have my elective test on monday which I will study for that day (nutrition; which I sort of already knew dispite not applying it to my life).
random crap and bitching about women/people/society
So my last few dreams (that I've written down and tried to remember) have contained a specific person; and this is a running theme after going back through my dream journal. My ex keeps appearing. I don't know if this holds any significance but the last dream was vivid and full of emotions and junk. Since then I've fallen back to my rut of over-thinking people and their relationships and I guess in a word; my jealousy of them.
Today at the Mcdonalds, had a couple beside me talking about them meeting, their texts before getting together, marriage, and all that crap. My friends in nursing keep talking marriage and continue to show me pictures of rings or dresses or bullshit, or never stop with the word "boyfriend" who one of them drops at any moment she wants.
There is one girl in 1st year who looks like a good prospect and another one that I was looking at but I'm not feeling vibes anymore. dunno what to do.
Montreal trip is coming up soon (end of feb/beginning of march) and I'm hoping to be drunk and have fun with strippers, good looking ones. I've also taken a habit of drinking by myself to drunkenness for the sake of it which is not something I've ever really done. Although I don't actively seek out booze for this purpose. I did this the other day with my leftovers from the weekend of which I drank alone 2 nights (to play COD to, and I am surprisingly better up till a point) friday I drank with the guys. I'm out now but thats fine. I'm happy that we're not drinking this weekend because it seemed like someone wanted to plan something but I wasn't feeling it. Yesterday I drank the remaining of my black rum and woke with a hangover which ended by the time I got to school, played company of heroes and watched comedy news shows. Good times.
So next post, which I hope I feel the need to write, is planned for tomorrow; I think imma rant and talk about drugs, drug wars, thoughts, and society in general, I may also post a picture because word walls aren't interesting.
-Anon
standard depressing dribble
So; it's happening again. I'm not sure if I may have a mild case of the S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) but I seemed depressed, or atleast overly angry/sad for seemingly no reason last winter too.
At least this time I have a reason for sadness in a way, I've gained back all the weight I lost which is really ticking me off. Not only that but I am having major trouble controlling myself when it comes to food, I am spending much money on food that serves me no purpose but to extend my waistline and misery.
See, my brain is making an excuse right now, I can identify it.
I am 'stuck' in town usually, often times without thinking to bring a lunch and I most often choose to eat at a fast food place or basically anywhere for food. I also end up buying way too much for a normal person thinking I will continue being hungry if I don't. I then have trouble throwing food away when I do get too much; the "finish your plate" problem.
I tried to hit a grocery store for making a single sandwich or something lighter the other day only to realize you can't really but enough things for one sandwich without getting enough crap for 20 more and I don't carry a fridge with me so I dropped the idea and when to a fast food place again.
Today I went to get fish and chips, not 30 minutes later I was in a Mcdonalds; no I don't know why. My mind was a battlefield of thoughts, warring with myself is not fun nor do I enjoy the thought of who won the battle.
This past week (11 days according to my workout logs) have been fruitless in endevours to workout, nothing (although I attribute that to watching over my sister's place over the weekend, which ended with me eating 2 pizzas (one shared), two orders of chicken balls, bagel bites, and chips. Not only that but I could've done some exercise I and chose to not go or do any type of bodyweight workouts. If I really wanted this I would work harder for it.
My nuclear option to myself is to try intermittent fasting; I am going to go with a 20-4 fasting period, choosing to eat only during the hours between 18:00 - 22:00. Basically this limits me to eating what my mom chooses to make for dinner on any given night. It also works out that the superbowl is during this time period because my brain threw on a red alert thinking I would not be able to eat nachos and stuff. Again this is basically a bad thought; I feel trapped by food.
I know that I should think of food as fuel, but I can't help but continue eating only because "it tastes good". This is how I got here in the first place and the only way to change anything is to change that. I've lost weight before, 40 pounds of the fucking shit; I was stuck at the plateau of 220 forever, I maintained it for a good 4-6 months (can't quite remember, but the feeling of frustration of not dropping lower bothered me for a long time). Now I'm back to 260 and I fear of going higher if I can't rein in my habits.
Weights and stuff
Anyways; my workouts are good; excluding the past 11 days (I did workout yesterday and made it the first thing I did when I got home; I enjoyed being back in my weight shed.). I think I will slightly alter my workouts to a 3set, 10-12 reps, instead of my current stronglifts 5x5 routine. I don't know why but I think it'll be good. I can atleast try it. I dropped my weights down by 10 for my 11 days missed (meaning 4 workouts straight) but I'm putting them back to normal for next time and planning to increase by 20 through those (using a straight progression 5 each workout).
I biked yesterday for a long time (seemingly, couldn't calc it because the damn bike computer batteries fall out as I pedal) as well as when playing NHL with my dad and watching It's Always Sunny xmas episode. I cleaned my room as well and got the heater in there so it is no longer an Ice fortress.
I plan to workout weights for the next 4 days after thursday when I am home. (tonight is dodgeball, and am staying at my sis' house, I will do squats and stretches there instead of my standard workout). I will pack gym clothes to stuff in my locker so I am able to workout in town. I have a water bottle now instead of constantly buying diet coke, but I still buy too much diet coke. My money is flowing through my hands only to be spent on stuff that flows through my body.
How is school? "good..."
Actually it is getting better, most likely because I have a much less hectic schedule which will be changing next year, but I'm hoping to be ready by then. I'm basically procrastinating on my essay which I planned to be writing / outlining right now but I chose this for my mental health (I have an appointment with school counselors for Feb 10th the earliest they could get me in).
When I am in town I do the readings for my classes (at least some of them - better than nothing). I've consistently done the readings for my professionalism class and was writing my clincal chemistry notes before class (although I now print them and makes notes on them in class during lecture). I did reading for the class I'm repeating, as well as gathering groups for my other classes. I am paying more attention in class as well; although I do not know how that will translate to tests.
I am finding myself to be more proactive and/or open when I am with the 1st years. Maybe I'm not afraid to be judged based on past interactions with them (since I have none).
I did the presentation for my group in one class after no one had come up with anything but I felt good that I did something worthwhile and my teacher seemed happy with it. We have another presentation worth marks this time and I am hoping to have group participation for that one.
I am currently not working on an essay for that class due in 8 days. Planning on writing / outlining tomorrow morning, some of the weekend, and most of Monday. I also have my elective test on monday which I will study for that day (nutrition; which I sort of already knew dispite not applying it to my life).
random crap and bitching about women/people/society
So my last few dreams (that I've written down and tried to remember) have contained a specific person; and this is a running theme after going back through my dream journal. My ex keeps appearing. I don't know if this holds any significance but the last dream was vivid and full of emotions and junk. Since then I've fallen back to my rut of over-thinking people and their relationships and I guess in a word; my jealousy of them.
Today at the Mcdonalds, had a couple beside me talking about them meeting, their texts before getting together, marriage, and all that crap. My friends in nursing keep talking marriage and continue to show me pictures of rings or dresses or bullshit, or never stop with the word "boyfriend" who one of them drops at any moment she wants.
There is one girl in 1st year who looks like a good prospect and another one that I was looking at but I'm not feeling vibes anymore. dunno what to do.
Montreal trip is coming up soon (end of feb/beginning of march) and I'm hoping to be drunk and have fun with strippers, good looking ones. I've also taken a habit of drinking by myself to drunkenness for the sake of it which is not something I've ever really done. Although I don't actively seek out booze for this purpose. I did this the other day with my leftovers from the weekend of which I drank alone 2 nights (to play COD to, and I am surprisingly better up till a point) friday I drank with the guys. I'm out now but thats fine. I'm happy that we're not drinking this weekend because it seemed like someone wanted to plan something but I wasn't feeling it. Yesterday I drank the remaining of my black rum and woke with a hangover which ended by the time I got to school, played company of heroes and watched comedy news shows. Good times.
So next post, which I hope I feel the need to write, is planned for tomorrow; I think imma rant and talk about drugs, drug wars, thoughts, and society in general, I may also post a picture because word walls aren't interesting.
-Anon
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
August Tracking
I made a spreadsheet with a chart to track (essentially the same chart used in this other post: http://www.kratosguide.com/16-habits-you-should-do-every-day/) the various things I'm trying to accomplish.
Honestly it seems to already be helping. I'm just a few days in and I've seen more green show up, I need to incorporate my foam rolling, language tapes and become a more serious student before school starts. I'm hoping to continue using this charting system through school and well as hoping it will help to show me how my habits are doing and keep me on the straight and narrow. So far its greatly increased my habits regarding exercise and general hygiene that I lacked as well as reminded me to take my vitamins and meditate and read on a more regular basis.
This post is the first green on the "Journal/Blog" of my daily habit list. Even if its a shitty post I'm proud its here. I'll post a picture of Bruno the new cat once I get my new phone which will probably be during the next school semester. 28 days till school starts and I'm honestly exciting and happily waiting. That opinion will most likely change as it draws closer but I'm excited to learn the new shit :D
Honestly it seems to already be helping. I'm just a few days in and I've seen more green show up, I need to incorporate my foam rolling, language tapes and become a more serious student before school starts. I'm hoping to continue using this charting system through school and well as hoping it will help to show me how my habits are doing and keep me on the straight and narrow. So far its greatly increased my habits regarding exercise and general hygiene that I lacked as well as reminded me to take my vitamins and meditate and read on a more regular basis.
This post is the first green on the "Journal/Blog" of my daily habit list. Even if its a shitty post I'm proud its here. I'll post a picture of Bruno the new cat once I get my new phone which will probably be during the next school semester. 28 days till school starts and I'm honestly exciting and happily waiting. That opinion will most likely change as it draws closer but I'm excited to learn the new shit :D
Saturday, 6 April 2013
Goodbye Jorge
Jorge is dead. I am burying him tomorrow. I miss him.
Its hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I've been fine with past cats we've owned. I guess the difference was this was my cat. I actually had a connection with Jorge, especially when we came up to Napanee, he followed me around and would curl up beside me. I miss him.
I was hoping to have a partner to come up to in Napanee, even if it was just a cat. After seeing him following me last week I knew it was good. Now hes gone, taken away. Once again, nothing has been gained and I continue to push through life seemingly alone.
I miss him. I loved him.
k, I can't type more. Just know I love you Jorge; I'm sorry I couldn't be a better owner, I'm sorry you died so suddenly and that I wasn't able to be here with you when you went. I should have taken you back to Kingston last week.
Its hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I've been fine with past cats we've owned. I guess the difference was this was my cat. I actually had a connection with Jorge, especially when we came up to Napanee, he followed me around and would curl up beside me. I miss him.
I was hoping to have a partner to come up to in Napanee, even if it was just a cat. After seeing him following me last week I knew it was good. Now hes gone, taken away. Once again, nothing has been gained and I continue to push through life seemingly alone.
I miss him. I loved him.
k, I can't type more. Just know I love you Jorge; I'm sorry I couldn't be a better owner, I'm sorry you died so suddenly and that I wasn't able to be here with you when you went. I should have taken you back to Kingston last week.
Sunday, 31 March 2013
Why do I bother?
I don't know why I bother with women sometimes anymore.
You are all messed up is what I've concluded, you just need to find the least broken one.
You are all messed up is what I've concluded, you just need to find the least broken one.
Friday, 22 March 2013
Internet died
This was written like the day after the last one, didn't post till now because the internet died while I typed it. May be writing more tonight, not sure, still working on stuff.
Currently out at parents this weekend as a focus weekend because of tons of nursing stuff.
anyways, heres that last post:
Today we had accreditors come into the school to analyze the program and see if it meets up the nursing standards. Seems to have gone well.
I don't know what I'm typing, this isn't what I want to say.
I feel trapped in my own head, with no one to escape with or to, no knowledge of the the exit is. I'm trapped, it's not necessarily a bad thing, I enjoy my own company; I'm just getting sick of myself. I want to share my ideas and personal thoughts with someone.
I want intimacy.
I also hate women, so that's a bad thing.
I don't hate women, I hate some women.
It's always the women who I end up chasing, I can't find a good one, not a good one that will talk with me.
I'm normally a good "reader" of people, but when it comes to women, I may as well be an English speaking blind man trying to read Chinese.
I think its a hack joke, but women, are just not understandable in any sense. They're either all underhanded liars and conspirators who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others. Or they all have no idea what they actually want in life and listen to the liars and conspirators of the male side who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others.
i.e women be gold-diggers and attention whores. They don't care about you, or me, or anyone but themselves.
Anyways. I'm getting to a point where I want to be an island. Solitude is bliss, I don't have to worry about shit. On the other hand, I would kill for one night of closeness with someone right now, someone I can trust and talk to, hold and lie next to. It's all I want, another human being to share life with, on a more personal level than friends.
So I fucked off on my doing for changing everything once again, but I have it semi-planned out, my organization is becoming stronger and I feel less overwhelmed, I did actually go to the library yesterday and did my Jarvis work so I'm happy about that.
Currently out at parents this weekend as a focus weekend because of tons of nursing stuff.
anyways, heres that last post:
Today we had accreditors come into the school to analyze the program and see if it meets up the nursing standards. Seems to have gone well.
I don't know what I'm typing, this isn't what I want to say.
I feel trapped in my own head, with no one to escape with or to, no knowledge of the the exit is. I'm trapped, it's not necessarily a bad thing, I enjoy my own company; I'm just getting sick of myself. I want to share my ideas and personal thoughts with someone.
I want intimacy.
I also hate women, so that's a bad thing.
I don't hate women, I hate some women.
It's always the women who I end up chasing, I can't find a good one, not a good one that will talk with me.
I'm normally a good "reader" of people, but when it comes to women, I may as well be an English speaking blind man trying to read Chinese.
I think its a hack joke, but women, are just not understandable in any sense. They're either all underhanded liars and conspirators who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others. Or they all have no idea what they actually want in life and listen to the liars and conspirators of the male side who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others.
i.e women be gold-diggers and attention whores. They don't care about you, or me, or anyone but themselves.
Anyways. I'm getting to a point where I want to be an island. Solitude is bliss, I don't have to worry about shit. On the other hand, I would kill for one night of closeness with someone right now, someone I can trust and talk to, hold and lie next to. It's all I want, another human being to share life with, on a more personal level than friends.
So I fucked off on my doing for changing everything once again, but I have it semi-planned out, my organization is becoming stronger and I feel less overwhelmed, I did actually go to the library yesterday and did my Jarvis work so I'm happy about that.
Monday, 11 March 2013
Quick Procrastination for the greater good
Here is my problem.
I just want someone to want me back.
I feel like I have to hold all these strings together. I end up doing all the work trying to talk to one fucking person. I can't find a girl who wants to talk to me long enough to make me feel like a fucking human being.
I need a new word other than fucking. I should try to swear less specifically on these blogs posts.
I have a 6 page paper I should be writing, 10% though, not super bad. Seems straight forward enough. I can't think about it right now because my mind is being an invasive monster that keeps creeping forward with just general jealous and lonely feelings. I accept these. I'm used to it by now I guess. I didn't end up going out this weekend.
my life is in shambles, i hate it
i want to see that counselor soon. I have an appointment on wednesday.
fuck. I mean a word that isn't a swear.
Sunday, 10 March 2013
New rule
If a girl doesn't say yes to me asking her out the first time or doesn't offer a reschedule she can go and fuck herself.
Monday, 4 March 2013
March 4th
I'm almost 21.
That is tomorrow.
I ended up fucking off on the whole write in this everyday. It's a lot harder than I thought trying to get stuff done.
I wrote a lot of what was coming up on my calender at home, helps my brain relax. I've changed my desktop to include a list of the upcoming assignments so I know what to expect.
I did end up going to the library a lot of the days, not every single one but most I would say. So one thing was accomplished.
I drank water some but supplemented Diet Coke for the caffeine when I needed to stay up till 3 am to write that 40% paper I talked about early (night before it was due).
I just did my presentation I was worried about, went better than I thought. I have another one on Thursday.
Clinical is tomorrow, just finished my care plan and pathocard so I feel somewhat prepared (as much as I am going to be prepared).
I am 21 tomorrow.
Officially an adult, even in Vegas.
I still feel like a teenager, but I'm changing, slowly, but its finally coming around I think.
90 day T-break from pot (June 3rd)
Work-out planning/schedule making is set for tomorrow after clinical; I may do some now while I'm in class
90 day goal for weight loss/fitness (pics will be taken at sis's house then, already marked on calender).
-will be restarting C25K
-will be YMCA in morning doing Stronglifts 5x5
I want to meditate
sitting in class, staring at asses. fucking yoga pants.
That is tomorrow.
I ended up fucking off on the whole write in this everyday. It's a lot harder than I thought trying to get stuff done.
I wrote a lot of what was coming up on my calender at home, helps my brain relax. I've changed my desktop to include a list of the upcoming assignments so I know what to expect.
I did end up going to the library a lot of the days, not every single one but most I would say. So one thing was accomplished.
I drank water some but supplemented Diet Coke for the caffeine when I needed to stay up till 3 am to write that 40% paper I talked about early (night before it was due).
I just did my presentation I was worried about, went better than I thought. I have another one on Thursday.
Clinical is tomorrow, just finished my care plan and pathocard so I feel somewhat prepared (as much as I am going to be prepared).
I am 21 tomorrow.
Officially an adult, even in Vegas.
I still feel like a teenager, but I'm changing, slowly, but its finally coming around I think.
90 day T-break from pot (June 3rd)
Work-out planning/schedule making is set for tomorrow after clinical; I may do some now while I'm in class
90 day goal for weight loss/fitness (pics will be taken at sis's house then, already marked on calender).
-will be restarting C25K
-will be YMCA in morning doing Stronglifts 5x5
I want to meditate
sitting in class, staring at asses. fucking yoga pants.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
11:08 Feb 24th
I am going to try to journal on this daily from now on, think of this as a personal log/journal type thingy I guess.
This has been up in the background for a long time, I'm hearing music, but there is no music, it's fucking with my mind.
Fuck that sounds dumb.
I have a midterm tomorrow I am unprepared for
I have a presentation some time this week I don't know anything about
I haven't started a paper that is due Friday
I am not sure if I have clinical this week or not, if I do not, then I am super fucking happy, I actually did not even really consider the option until now.
I have also been removing my contractions for the last few sentences because I am used to reading APA formatting now. It sounds weird in my head to type/read with contractions.
Key Goals this week: however basic
Drink water every day, because I want to spend less money on soda, I want to drink healthier, and it has zero calories. Get a water bottle from the dollar store on Tuesday.
Do the drama warm up every morning, this will wake you up and hopefully help you get back on track exercising.
Spend time at the school library every day this week, strict study time, head in the books. goals:
Work on paper that's due, presentation notes/slides, re-vamp your care plan, complete an in-depth pathocard template.
Meditate at night before bed, 5 minutes, calm rhythmic breathing, become peaceful then drift off.
This has been up in the background for a long time, I'm hearing music, but there is no music, it's fucking with my mind.
I think I shall go to bed now.
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