Trying Sailor Jerry although I'm normally a Captain Morgan

Disclaimer; I am drunk...drinking more because I feel it wearing off

So bronco's just lost superbowl horribly, jesus guys; you're professionals.

I wish to talk about relationships again and the stigma surrounding them. Seems like you're considered lesser if you don't have someone attached to you at the hip. It also seems like you're lesser if you don't have someone that you talk to "in a personal way" meaning that you can't actually be you to the public; like you have to be fake, instead of yourself around people in public to appeal or atleast appear to appeal to the masses. Can I not be myself around everyone equally? Sure you might not say you dislike someone; or hate someone even, around the public. But can you not express your ideas and feelings openly without fear of repercussion or someone judging you for it negatively, what happened to free speech (although I live in Canada and I'm not sure if it works the same).

I feel as though I can't truly be myself around people, I guess that would be a lack of trust with people. I'm also noticing my cynicism more often (which I thought I had dropped off in high school but I guess its back). The whole hating people as a whole thing gets old and also limits your ability to connect with people because you discard them so quickly and easily. During the superbowl there were a number of commercials; specifically about relationships and the bonds people form during them (which I have internalized as being very superficial and not true to heart). During these commercials or the highlights which focuses around relationships or even just sex tend towards an image of beautiful people fucking beautiful people because you know, beautiful; if you're investing 2 million dollars you better hope sex sells some of this fucking shit.

Not that I hate my body (although I do) but I would hope image doesn't play that big apart in connecting with someone. I don't know why I lie to myself, because I know it does. Who the fuck wants to be with someone ugly/unattractive. I feel ugly/unattractive, because of this feeling I do not openly attempt at fucking chicks or even trying to date them. The attempts of other men at women infuriate me because it seems at macho bullshit and "alpha" that the internet peoples discuss; basically it seems possessive. Although I'm noticing that my main problem is being mentally possessive of women who I am not engaged with and then develop jealous feeling prematurely which ends up being the downfall.

I read today a monk talking about people developing different worlds or perceptions as they progress through life. ex, diff worlds meaning happiness, sadness, jealously, lust, love, greed, all those "feelings".

He then mentioned that enlightenment is basically surpassing that, coming to a point where you are in a certain 'world' where you just are; perhaps you can experience those 'feelings' within that world, but perhaps you've attained a point where those feelings are meaningless, or that all interactions with the world only affect you in a way that you choose. I just watched the movie "Old Boy" and there is a quote; laugh and the whole world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone. Perhaps this is can be associated with the previous thought, often times within the movie the character undergoes serious fucked up shit, that should and would normally make a man weep, but instead he laughs it off. This is the world he has created, he chooses how he reacts and therefore the external stimuli do not affect how he reacts; his emotions and feelings are his choice.

time to take a drink.

I mentioned last post that I'm starting to feel lonely again, but talking about it to (essentially to myself but online) helps me feel like I'm talking to someone (if it helps, I do talk to myself outloud, in person, alone). I keep seeing stuff within ads or television or public media that show relationships and intimacy as the end all be all of interactions, or a great number of sex ads and media directed towards the demographic of "hey; at least if your relationship is abusive or unhealthy you still end up sleeping with someone at the end of the day; penises and vaginas all day". Or media directly associated with the attractiveness or beauty of certain people/celebrities (associated with me feeling or thinking I am ugly/unattractive), for instance my sister picked the seahawks because they had the better looking players, a distinctly subjective measurement of people. But ask enough people and you can find out if more people agree that the seahawks or the broncos are more attractive (i.e you can figure out objectively, attractiveness)

My wrist hurts, ROM is limited by what seems to be 20 degrees, 10 on flexion and 10 on extension, although I think extension is limited somewhat from the beginning (it's def not 90 degrees). It hurts; although I did do weights today; squat hurt when bar was support from wrist to keep on shoulders. I need to film myself for form check, I also want to print out a poster to put into my weight shed. I didn't stretch (although I've been working the wrist/icing it, hasn't helped much). Tomorrow will mostly be spent on an essay I've been putting off; hoping I can pull off 2 pages of it pretty simply. I biked 400 kcal the last 2 days, nothing today sadly and I probably ate the most today, I haven't been 100% on the 6-10pm thing; although I am seriously trying to keep to it, the first day (literally after I made the post) I ate breakfest at mcdonalds trying to DL a certain file and then realized I fucked my diet up at that point, I've been keeping okay with it after my initial fuck ups at breakfests, so I need to get that undercontrol because at dinner I'm usually okay...I think; today because of the amount of superbowl food I ate a lot.

I've gained weight from last week; I need to bike more. I hope to bike 200 kcal each day and keep true to my 6-10pm fasting plan. When I bike tomorrow after getting home for 200kcal, i'll stretch, do some pull-ups and leg raises and then shower. That's the plan atleast. So far for the week its working on essay for Mon, Tue, then sleeping at Sis'/dodgeball for Wednesday (along with essay), then if I can swing it, smoking reefer and talking psychonautics with a friend on Thursday.

I need a girlfriend, that comedy show I'm watching just mentioned it and it just reminds me of the connection everyone tells me I'm missing... My youth it wasted on my self-pity.