Re-reading posts makes me happy I picked this name for the blog

It really seems to fit; at least in my opinion.

My wrist still hurts, more so than yesterday, if it hurts after tomorrow I'm going schedule a doctor visit. Of course by the time that rolls around my wrist will be better (although I would still like to get an appointment with him for different reasons; marijuana). My life doesn't revolve around the green like it used to; which I'm happy for because it allows a clearer head. Although I think its made my drinking worse. I don't drink too often, but when I do I binge drink and if you have more than 12 heavy drinking sessions in a year you're considered a heavy drinker, so I guess I'm a heavy drinker based off of that. I am hoping to smoke with a friend of a friend (who now lives in Edmonton) he seems pretty cool and I'm hoping I can get some 'deep' talk from him; or atleast sit around and go "woah dude" and play mortal kombat. Not just because we're high and damn stoners just sit around all day (from my understanding the man is not a massive stoner like I used to be). He gave me the /r/psychonaut recommended book of Don Juan which I thought was...weird, but interesting and right up my alley so I hope to have more of the same from him; plus he can suggest some metal songs.

"My life's better without you, actually." - random quote from the hiphop I am listening too.
Forest Whitiker - Brother Ali

That seems bitter, am I bitter? I think I mentioned the dream thing in one of the past posts - looks back- yup. Well fuck; I need to get my mindset back. Just be me; taking things to personally in the current state and I've hit my zen before.

Today's observation; people look down as they walk by, we can not look each other in the eyes or we might interact. I posted on reddit about this type of thing, people can easily make a difference in people's lives or connect in a meaningful way if they just try - first habit, be proactive (thats one of those 7 habits btw Calvin, I'll lend you the book eventually). Basically it means, if people ain't doing shit, then you do the shit. The world is what you make it. You can't wait for it to be given to you, you have to take it. Seems like an obvious lesson, but how often have you or I looked at someone, thought of something to say and then just didn't say it. I'm finding it easier to interact with randoms but in the past couple days its been mentally harder and I don't know why.

reflecting on my past posts
Past Quote:
"I feel my life is supposed to be much different than this right now. I can't seem to shake that something will happen. But nothing does. Every time I come to blog because of a girl, or some shit. I feel lonely, depressed, this is the wall I talk to when no one's around. Because there is never anyone around."
That hurts to read; at least a little bit. But re-reading my stuff makes me feel like I write good and stuff; words, english. The trail back through the broken bits of posts show my mind melting then sort of coming back, then melting again... It's usually in a semi-solid state.

Yeah; reading farther back I can picture my life in the moment, I'm glad to have written what I've written and I hope to actually put my other interests on this; currently just sorting out my mental state - 7days till my counsellor meeting. But I can see in the summer between pre-health and first year when I was running; its all hope, all change, all forward. I miss running; past-me talks about a voice in his head pushing him forward (although the post talks about laziness as well) but it's true, I can remember it now; when you run you're basically just trying to not stop. Your body screams at you "Hey you're tired fucking stop bro" but if you can build your voice or I guess in a sense your self-esteem you can keep going and push through just breathe (aerobic exercise bitches). I'm enjoying doing my exercise bike and I'm hoping that me and Calvin can be awesome runners in spring and summer for prepping for our hockey team and general fitness.

Today was okay for eating me thinks, again I fucked up on my whole fasting thing, had breakfest with my sis and my mom, although I picked a smaller meal than a previous version of me may have picked, I had a sandwich for lunch/dinner and there is more than likely nachos waiting at home that my mom has made. Overall though I think I'm becoming more mindful of what the hell goes into my face hole. If I can keep control of my face hole, then I should be on the path. Just gotta keep walking; follow my footsteps back to where I was and then I'll pathfind the rest of the way.

Good talk wall; - initially was going to end it here, realized I've got an hour to kill and fuck doing my essay.
developing relationships = getting to know each other as people, frequent contact (popping in and spending time) -> pt. outcome = feeling secure (Williams and Irurita, 2004). fuck the rest of that cite though; sorry guys bust me for it.

How do I get to know someone...as people? frequent contact is the main culprit in my inability to form one of these 'relationship' things. I often ditch them pretty quick or stop talking once a date is confirmed. Perhaps this is due to the fact in recent...or at least the past times I've tried for certain women its out of a sick desperation or the fact that they're just pretty and I do not really have an attraction to their mind.

Speaking of asses; damn this one asian chick I've seen in the comp lab all day has a nice one, good jeans that just hug 'em. Ever get those weird visuals where you're just basically attacking a chick and molesting them. Neither do I. prob all the asian porn, they're super rape happy.

Women are objects, amiright? of course not; I've been raised in a misogynistic household though (women are dumb, women can't drive, women cook and clean - although the last one is my prefered only because I have a old fashioned view for family but I'm not opposed to helping out). I think that is whats messing with me... women are objects as a thought; because when I see them used in an ad strictly because they're sexy then...they're basically an object, for men to project their 'needs' on, needs being ejaculate.

Guys as a whole judge women on the scale of attractiveness, women do too; they just don't openly do it to the same extent. Free your mind bitches, it makes it easier to force an entire gender to feel bad about themselves and therefore allow you to take power (fat girls are sad and sleep with a lot of dudes to feel better, guys don't care cause vagina).

I need to get into the habit of chewing gum, I always have gum on me, but I just don't take it out and chew it. I've also heard of people developing migranes associated with level of gum chewing (ex, they stop chewing and the migranes stop, start and they start). So I'm a little hesistant to make is a consistent thing. I only mention this because I had an open can of pop here for the last hour or so and haven't taken a sip until I took my gum out. I don't know if that makes an logical sense, but I think it would help me eat less/drink less pop (maybe more water cause it becomes chilled water with mint gum - try it).

I keep just talking about myself; I do eventually want to talk about Nazi's, WW2 history/history in general, drugs and the drug war. But fuck... facts and stuff.

I am back to playing medieval 2:total war, but depending on how the Spanish Flu spreads I may switch back to minecraft, because I need to build more amazing shit. In fact, I might do that when I get home after I bike a bit; minecraft some stuff and make a post on that; because fuck it some of it is amazing to me.