I am falling apart.
I can no longer keep myself together.
The seams are tearing.
More and more of this negatively leaks out. This loneliness is encroaching into my life.
You know, usually, I'm pretty good. Solid. I can handle stuff, or at least deal with it. But fuck. I haven't felt this way in a long...long time.
I don't usually punch stuff.
Hand was okay, wasn't a long punch so couldn't do much with it anyways. Bit bloody, bruise on pinky knuckle, so I have to work on punching technique haha.
I can't do it. Fuck. Everything is a joke now, I can't talk to people, I no longer know how. I listen to other conversation more than participant in the one I am in. I can't seem to comfortably open up to someone, mostly because I stop myself.
yeah.
I haven't felt this in awhile.
this sucks.
i need to see a doctor.
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Tuesday 9 October 2012
Nursing and caring
My laptop is fixed, I'm now training it to survive on battery power. I don't think it's built for it though, it's giving me an estimate of about 45 minutes for the power. That's okay... I'll just have to study by outlets.
Currently I'm watching TSM vs Azubu Frost league of legends. It's nerdy, but I like it.
The interesting topic is how caring is the essence of nursing. Caring is a central concept to nursing because you need to have the motivation behind a caring relationship, to adequately meet the needs of the patient. Caring and understanding a caring relationship allow a nurse to better engage patients socially which allows for better patient centered care (psychodrama).
A caring relationship, is a relationship where you understand that you give the care, and you are simply doing it for the literal care of the patient.
quick points go:
You need to care, because if you were just doing what you were told, you would never have the motivation to look continuing education to stay on top of everything.
You need to care, the act of caring, allows better patient relationships, allowing for true sharing of any symptoms or needs of the patients.
You need to care,
You need to be able to see from the patients point of view (their culture, background, their various relationships, how their environment affects their thinking/feelings) and apply that interpretation of that point of view to their care. Allowing you to provide the best possible care possible, and providing the best care is really the essence of caring, motherfucker.
the art of nursing is how the personal experiences, values and beliefs of the nurse affect how their apply their knowledge and care in the clinical setting. fancy words
the science of nursing is all the technical knowledge that allows the nurse to apply their caregiving skills and social interpretation skills to the situation and understand what needs to be done in order for the patient to heal.
Fuck I'm screwed. Wish me luck.
Currently I'm watching TSM vs Azubu Frost league of legends. It's nerdy, but I like it.
The interesting topic is how caring is the essence of nursing. Caring is a central concept to nursing because you need to have the motivation behind a caring relationship, to adequately meet the needs of the patient. Caring and understanding a caring relationship allow a nurse to better engage patients socially which allows for better patient centered care (psychodrama).
A caring relationship, is a relationship where you understand that you give the care, and you are simply doing it for the literal care of the patient.
quick points go:
You need to care, because if you were just doing what you were told, you would never have the motivation to look continuing education to stay on top of everything.
You need to care, the act of caring, allows better patient relationships, allowing for true sharing of any symptoms or needs of the patients.
You need to care,
You need to be able to see from the patients point of view (their culture, background, their various relationships, how their environment affects their thinking/feelings) and apply that interpretation of that point of view to their care. Allowing you to provide the best possible care possible, and providing the best care is really the essence of caring, motherfucker.
the art of nursing is how the personal experiences, values and beliefs of the nurse affect how their apply their knowledge and care in the clinical setting. fancy words
the science of nursing is all the technical knowledge that allows the nurse to apply their caregiving skills and social interpretation skills to the situation and understand what needs to be done in order for the patient to heal.
Fuck I'm screwed. Wish me luck.
Saturday 6 October 2012
You see things how they are and not how you like them to be.
Okay, I haven't even correctly updated this on my life. Should've done this post beginning of september but you know, october will fucking do.
I sit here, in my parents place. Butt fuck nowhere again, trapped for the weekend. Little access to computers, little access to outside connections I guess. But thats shitty and lame. I love my family, they're some of the few people who I feel comfortable with.
I've started nursing school, 4 years to go now. So far, I'm enjoying it. It's pretty cool. A great deal of the information we're learning deals with how you think in relation to how you deal with clients and patients. Sort of how you handle caring, how you see yourself, and how you see other people in an overall sense. In fact I have to write a couple papers on exactly those things. What was interesting was that over the summer I pretty much created a hermit out of myself and never really left the house or hung out with friends (or when I did, it was them coming to me, not vice-versa). During this hermit-fest, I spent a lot of my time getting high, and during a lot of my time getting high I found I was delving into sort of an existentialism thought process. I began to ponder how and why people forge the relationships they do, and why they choose specific people. I started to watch people intently, watching to see how they interacted with others; more anthropologist looking in than a person in the situation. While this happened I began getting good at predicting people, based on just how well I knew them right, but I kept sort of going back and comparing to their other encounters. I thought it was cool and I always got a laugh out of predicting their reaction correctly.
I used the information I gathered from watching people to understand how they react to certain situations and stimuli. This sort of thinking and information gathering is pretty much what we're learning in one of my classes, and I thought I was all amazing for sort of prepping my brain for that sort of thinking. On the same line of thinking. My other class has us trying to define our values, what is important to us. This is a question I've struggled with I would think my entire life, I've never been good at describing myself or how I think or sometimes how I even reach a conclusion. Just comes to me I guess, anyways, with this project I have to do I think it will allow me to at least bare-bones my own generalized personality. Help me define myself a bit.
Other news, typing this out made me feel a bit better than I was when I started. Woo!
Pretty much this is how I'm feeling about a relationship:
I want one,
I just want someone to hold at night, I want someone to care about me, and I want to know that person cares about me.
I want someone that I can spend time with, talk with, do nothing with, and still feel happy and still feel like I'm having a good time.
Far too many times I find myself with a girl, hanging out, doing whatever shit I figured she would want to do. In the moment, I enjoy myself, mental monologue starts thinking about the next moves and what should I be doing to move this forward, or maybe even I start thinking about what she is thinking about me. It's that point I know it's poison, I try to not think what others are thinking, at least about myself because I usually have a piss poor self esteem, so my inner monologue picks the choicest insults that I can come up with. Usually something the other person wouldn't dare say, or have any knowledge about.
I try to be strong, to be confident, attractive, daring, funny, intelligent. All this shit, I try to be, never seems to get mentioned, I fall by the wayside. Fat, alone, rejected. Fuck that, I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I'm feelin' stronger every day, more confident, more attractive. This darkness can only last so long. Every day is a struggle to grasp the dawn, the light at the end of the tunnel calls to me and I can see it. I will be everything I want to be and more. No one can stop this fucking train.
---
Introspective break:
This is all introspective I know, shut up. I'm typing on a crappy keyboard that sticks, the internet isn't fast enough to listen to music online, and I'm sitting here, backtalking myself.
I talk to myself. Does everyone talk to themselves? this is what I'm talking about
these are the conversations I die for
these are the conversations I would climb the sky for
For these are my lovers.
I want to have a deep conversation, about what the other person is thinking, about how they think, without repercussion or backlash. I want my mind to be shared with open arms and a kiss. I want love. Love is a bitch, get a taste for it, then you smell it everywhere, it consumes you, because you know what that feeling is, you know that connection and you crave it. It's the craving thats killing me.
If anyone reads this, whats on your mind? Talk to me, please.
I sit here, in my parents place. Butt fuck nowhere again, trapped for the weekend. Little access to computers, little access to outside connections I guess. But thats shitty and lame. I love my family, they're some of the few people who I feel comfortable with.
I've started nursing school, 4 years to go now. So far, I'm enjoying it. It's pretty cool. A great deal of the information we're learning deals with how you think in relation to how you deal with clients and patients. Sort of how you handle caring, how you see yourself, and how you see other people in an overall sense. In fact I have to write a couple papers on exactly those things. What was interesting was that over the summer I pretty much created a hermit out of myself and never really left the house or hung out with friends (or when I did, it was them coming to me, not vice-versa). During this hermit-fest, I spent a lot of my time getting high, and during a lot of my time getting high I found I was delving into sort of an existentialism thought process. I began to ponder how and why people forge the relationships they do, and why they choose specific people. I started to watch people intently, watching to see how they interacted with others; more anthropologist looking in than a person in the situation. While this happened I began getting good at predicting people, based on just how well I knew them right, but I kept sort of going back and comparing to their other encounters. I thought it was cool and I always got a laugh out of predicting their reaction correctly.
I used the information I gathered from watching people to understand how they react to certain situations and stimuli. This sort of thinking and information gathering is pretty much what we're learning in one of my classes, and I thought I was all amazing for sort of prepping my brain for that sort of thinking. On the same line of thinking. My other class has us trying to define our values, what is important to us. This is a question I've struggled with I would think my entire life, I've never been good at describing myself or how I think or sometimes how I even reach a conclusion. Just comes to me I guess, anyways, with this project I have to do I think it will allow me to at least bare-bones my own generalized personality. Help me define myself a bit.
Other news, typing this out made me feel a bit better than I was when I started. Woo!
Pretty much this is how I'm feeling about a relationship:
I want one,
I just want someone to hold at night, I want someone to care about me, and I want to know that person cares about me.
I want someone that I can spend time with, talk with, do nothing with, and still feel happy and still feel like I'm having a good time.
Far too many times I find myself with a girl, hanging out, doing whatever shit I figured she would want to do. In the moment, I enjoy myself, mental monologue starts thinking about the next moves and what should I be doing to move this forward, or maybe even I start thinking about what she is thinking about me. It's that point I know it's poison, I try to not think what others are thinking, at least about myself because I usually have a piss poor self esteem, so my inner monologue picks the choicest insults that I can come up with. Usually something the other person wouldn't dare say, or have any knowledge about.
I try to be strong, to be confident, attractive, daring, funny, intelligent. All this shit, I try to be, never seems to get mentioned, I fall by the wayside. Fat, alone, rejected. Fuck that, I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I'm feelin' stronger every day, more confident, more attractive. This darkness can only last so long. Every day is a struggle to grasp the dawn, the light at the end of the tunnel calls to me and I can see it. I will be everything I want to be and more. No one can stop this fucking train.
---
Introspective break:
This is all introspective I know, shut up. I'm typing on a crappy keyboard that sticks, the internet isn't fast enough to listen to music online, and I'm sitting here, backtalking myself.
I talk to myself. Does everyone talk to themselves? this is what I'm talking about
these are the conversations I die for
these are the conversations I would climb the sky for
For these are my lovers.
I want to have a deep conversation, about what the other person is thinking, about how they think, without repercussion or backlash. I want my mind to be shared with open arms and a kiss. I want love. Love is a bitch, get a taste for it, then you smell it everywhere, it consumes you, because you know what that feeling is, you know that connection and you crave it. It's the craving thats killing me.
If anyone reads this, whats on your mind? Talk to me, please.
Friday 28 September 2012
Lean On Me
That must be nice, having someone to lean on; when you're going through life and the pressure or the problems just get a bit too much or you've been working on them too long you just want to take a load off. It's nice to have someone to kinda just hold you and relax you.
Ugh, I want to write. Everytime I feel sort of depressed I come back to this, which sucks because I'm legit happy a decent amount of the time too, I just always come here to talk to myself... yet again. It just feels like I'm talking to someone. Fuck me.
Ugh, I want to write. Everytime I feel sort of depressed I come back to this, which sucks because I'm legit happy a decent amount of the time too, I just always come here to talk to myself... yet again. It just feels like I'm talking to someone. Fuck me.
Saturday 15 September 2012
I'm having trouble thinking clearly
Well, I'm going to the YMCA now, I can notice a difference in my body comp and strength and all that. Now I just have to keep doing that, eating a decent amount, running, I should be good to go in a few months.
Either way, this post isn't about that. I'm having mental problems. I can't quite define how I feel.
My mind seems to contradict itself, constantly. I'll think one way, and then another the next second. I keep getting phases where I think I'm schizophrenic or something, I end up analyzing what I'm doing, trying to place symptoms. I'm pretty sure I'm normal, I just hope it isn't like the beginning stages and this is where I can save myself :/.
I would say I'm lonely, I think I'd say that. Not to anybody publicly, but just in general. The thing is though, I don't want to go out and hang with people, I'm tired all the time, or at least it feels like it. I think I'm spending too much time on the computer.
Fuck, this is a boring post. I want my laptop back. I want someone to talk to, I'm sick of thinking to myself. I'm lonely as shit. I want to be vulnerable to someone, without the fear of backlash or some kind of thing against my opening up.
I keep thinking it's going to get better. Honestly it has. Right now is probably temporary, but it keeps coming back. Just the lonely feeling, I do want to talk to someone, but not anyone in my circle that I've got. A new person, I want a girlfriend to confide in. I just hate the thought of being desperate, because I do want one terribly badly. Does having standards negate desperation, is desperation defined as not by how much you want a girlfriend and instead by your standards? Would that make "I'm just waiting for a girl I like" a decent excuse?
I don't know anymore.
Either way, this post isn't about that. I'm having mental problems. I can't quite define how I feel.
My mind seems to contradict itself, constantly. I'll think one way, and then another the next second. I keep getting phases where I think I'm schizophrenic or something, I end up analyzing what I'm doing, trying to place symptoms. I'm pretty sure I'm normal, I just hope it isn't like the beginning stages and this is where I can save myself :/.
I would say I'm lonely, I think I'd say that. Not to anybody publicly, but just in general. The thing is though, I don't want to go out and hang with people, I'm tired all the time, or at least it feels like it. I think I'm spending too much time on the computer.
Fuck, this is a boring post. I want my laptop back. I want someone to talk to, I'm sick of thinking to myself. I'm lonely as shit. I want to be vulnerable to someone, without the fear of backlash or some kind of thing against my opening up.
I keep thinking it's going to get better. Honestly it has. Right now is probably temporary, but it keeps coming back. Just the lonely feeling, I do want to talk to someone, but not anyone in my circle that I've got. A new person, I want a girlfriend to confide in. I just hate the thought of being desperate, because I do want one terribly badly. Does having standards negate desperation, is desperation defined as not by how much you want a girlfriend and instead by your standards? Would that make "I'm just waiting for a girl I like" a decent excuse?
I don't know anymore.
Tuesday 17 July 2012
July 17th
I think I've hit that point.
The point where I usually succumb to hunger and being fat and being lonely. That laziness, that overbearing feeling that I can't do anything.
Except this time, its not playing out the same way. I've got a voice in my head telling me I can do it, I know I can do it. Look at me, I'm doing it now.
The past couple days have been sort of a rut, I haven't done much despite there being tons to do. I've eaten over my max for calories I think 2 days in a row, which is putting me off my head game. I've got a run tomorrow, and I need to hit the ymca still, still. My laziness is fucking with me, I'm ready though, I want this, I need this, this is me.
Take what you picture to be the ideal, now, apply that to you. That's the perfect you, and everyday you should strive to get closer. It doesn't matter in what way you're improving, only that you try to achieve more than before. Better and better, evolution.
I know how vain it sounds, but most of my life and thought processes focus on how I am perceived by others, or at least my thoughts continue to focus on how I want people to see me. I want to be a sight in the room, people will notice. I want to be the good looking person in the room, the fit one, that everyone is jealous of. Vain I know, but it's what drives me forward.
I need to hurdle this point
Past this point is the life I deserve, the life I strive to acquire, the life I will earn through hard work and perseverance.
This change won't come quickly, I know that, I must remember that. It won't come quickly, but it will sure as hell come. I will make sure of that.
The point where I usually succumb to hunger and being fat and being lonely. That laziness, that overbearing feeling that I can't do anything.
Except this time, its not playing out the same way. I've got a voice in my head telling me I can do it, I know I can do it. Look at me, I'm doing it now.
The past couple days have been sort of a rut, I haven't done much despite there being tons to do. I've eaten over my max for calories I think 2 days in a row, which is putting me off my head game. I've got a run tomorrow, and I need to hit the ymca still, still. My laziness is fucking with me, I'm ready though, I want this, I need this, this is me.
Take what you picture to be the ideal, now, apply that to you. That's the perfect you, and everyday you should strive to get closer. It doesn't matter in what way you're improving, only that you try to achieve more than before. Better and better, evolution.
I know how vain it sounds, but most of my life and thought processes focus on how I am perceived by others, or at least my thoughts continue to focus on how I want people to see me. I want to be a sight in the room, people will notice. I want to be the good looking person in the room, the fit one, that everyone is jealous of. Vain I know, but it's what drives me forward.
I need to hurdle this point
Past this point is the life I deserve, the life I strive to acquire, the life I will earn through hard work and perseverance.
This change won't come quickly, I know that, I must remember that. It won't come quickly, but it will sure as hell come. I will make sure of that.
Monday 2 July 2012
Depression Post
So...
I haven't felt like this in awhile. It sucks. It...it just...its not a good mood, I was happier earlier today, just today. I guess a series of events just kicked me into what I'm in now, tomorrow I get to find out if I have to kill myself or not. That's awesome.
I need to go to the gym, I need to lose weight faster, I'm lonely, my best friend never seems to talk to me. I'm a constant third wheel, I am that guy now. This isn't who I want.
Ugh though, fuck women, sometimes it just isn't god damn worth it. I just want somebody to love, its hard to type that without singing in my head. Which sucks because its exactly what I want, I want somebody to love, oh I need somebody to love. Vietnam plays in my head.
Anyways, I just wanted to rant, but I can't even say the stuff I want because the off chance someone will read this again. I can't trust you anymore.
I haven't felt like this in awhile. It sucks. It...it just...its not a good mood, I was happier earlier today, just today. I guess a series of events just kicked me into what I'm in now, tomorrow I get to find out if I have to kill myself or not. That's awesome.
I need to go to the gym, I need to lose weight faster, I'm lonely, my best friend never seems to talk to me. I'm a constant third wheel, I am that guy now. This isn't who I want.
Ugh though, fuck women, sometimes it just isn't god damn worth it. I just want somebody to love, its hard to type that without singing in my head. Which sucks because its exactly what I want, I want somebody to love, oh I need somebody to love. Vietnam plays in my head.
Anyways, I just wanted to rant, but I can't even say the stuff I want because the off chance someone will read this again. I can't trust you anymore.
Saturday 14 April 2012
Today's the Day.
I am now keeping progress on my weight loss, starting today. Legit tracking this time, pictures everyday. It'll remind me what I'm truly trying to accomplish. I know I can do this, I just need to put the effort into it.
School's almost done, the next 2 weeks are filled with tests but it should pass with little trouble.
We're still in the money pit, May is coming soon. Even if I don't get a job, welfare can sustain us.
I still need to talk to HR.
Check in is done, it's too late for the typical bullshit pep talk into a blog.
School's almost done, the next 2 weeks are filled with tests but it should pass with little trouble.
We're still in the money pit, May is coming soon. Even if I don't get a job, welfare can sustain us.
I still need to talk to HR.
Check in is done, it's too late for the typical bullshit pep talk into a blog.
Thursday 15 March 2012
Friday 24 February 2012
Contentness
Lately...or today at least, I found myself not being jealous. Not being envious. I wasn't anything bad, I was happy for others, proud of their achievements. I didn't want them to not have it because I didn't have it. All it did was motivate me to improve myself to achieve things as great as that later in life.
I had a pool tournament tonight, I lost just before the semi-finals to my friend Dustin. He went on to 3rd place, he won 50 bucks and a spot in the paper. I'm proud of him, it's good. I want to practice pool more and hopefully be able to get close for next year, it sounds like they have a tourney every year at least.
I went for a run yesterday, I enjoy running. It's nice, peaceful, reminiscent of the walks I usually took. The buses I take don't offer enough contemplation to satisfy me. So the run is helpful. My knee seems to be getting better, although I should start stretching a bit more before I do my runs. What I need to focus more on is the strength training and dieting. I also need Calvin to take a no-homo photo of me so I can use that as my semi-before picture. I ate a bit more tonight than I should have. I blame that on the free food and stuff at the pool tourney.
Tomorrow morning I have a test that I should have studied for, I hope I do decent on it. I think most of it will be pretty common sense and if it's not, well then shit. Tomorrow night I should be going out with some friends to the Grizz. I might see if I can make a move on a girl Chris is bringing, I might feel bad though, I'm half-dating this girl Emily at the moment. We haven't discussed the legitimacy of our relationship yet but I think I'll bring it up on Saturday when she is supposed to be coming over next. Maybe I'll see if I can't connect with her a bit more.
Despite how shallow it seems, I seem to only focus on the bad parts of Emily because I don't find her all that attractive. I hate to say that, mostly because I'm desperate at this point. I feel if I can hold onto this, keep me sane for a bit while I sort out the rest of my life instead of focusing on loneliness for awhile that I'll be able to survive. I think that being with her might actually be a good idea. She seems like a decent person, a loving person, I just need more time with her I guess.
In other news, I've officially turned Native. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I shall hopefully be getting funding for next year, which means I'll be swimming in money and babes and cocaine. If I don't...well....OSAP it is. I'll keep you posted, I'm sending in my app's this next week.
I think I got most of the updates out of my head, nothing too introverted here. Just sort of a log of what's happened. This is a boring post, I need to write more interesting stuff later.
I had a pool tournament tonight, I lost just before the semi-finals to my friend Dustin. He went on to 3rd place, he won 50 bucks and a spot in the paper. I'm proud of him, it's good. I want to practice pool more and hopefully be able to get close for next year, it sounds like they have a tourney every year at least.
I went for a run yesterday, I enjoy running. It's nice, peaceful, reminiscent of the walks I usually took. The buses I take don't offer enough contemplation to satisfy me. So the run is helpful. My knee seems to be getting better, although I should start stretching a bit more before I do my runs. What I need to focus more on is the strength training and dieting. I also need Calvin to take a no-homo photo of me so I can use that as my semi-before picture. I ate a bit more tonight than I should have. I blame that on the free food and stuff at the pool tourney.
Tomorrow morning I have a test that I should have studied for, I hope I do decent on it. I think most of it will be pretty common sense and if it's not, well then shit. Tomorrow night I should be going out with some friends to the Grizz. I might see if I can make a move on a girl Chris is bringing, I might feel bad though, I'm half-dating this girl Emily at the moment. We haven't discussed the legitimacy of our relationship yet but I think I'll bring it up on Saturday when she is supposed to be coming over next. Maybe I'll see if I can't connect with her a bit more.
Despite how shallow it seems, I seem to only focus on the bad parts of Emily because I don't find her all that attractive. I hate to say that, mostly because I'm desperate at this point. I feel if I can hold onto this, keep me sane for a bit while I sort out the rest of my life instead of focusing on loneliness for awhile that I'll be able to survive. I think that being with her might actually be a good idea. She seems like a decent person, a loving person, I just need more time with her I guess.
In other news, I've officially turned Native. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I shall hopefully be getting funding for next year, which means I'll be swimming in money and babes and cocaine. If I don't...well....OSAP it is. I'll keep you posted, I'm sending in my app's this next week.
I think I got most of the updates out of my head, nothing too introverted here. Just sort of a log of what's happened. This is a boring post, I need to write more interesting stuff later.
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Valentines Day
This post is probably not actually going to be about valentines day.
My recent reading of fight club has put me in a mood. Actually, the recent reading of fight club has enhanced the mood I've already been in. I'm not quite sure if its cynicism, depression, or something different altogether. I know for one thing, I'm not enjoying it.
There is something about lying beside someone, cuddling, kissing them, being awkward with them, and having a feeling of comfort and metaphorical warmth. All of that is nice.
I just did all of that, minus the comfort and metaphorical warmth. For some reason I feel weird, ashamed even. I feel like I've lied to someone. This person who I spent a few hours together with, on a romantic holiday, doing things that romantic people do. I felt pretty much nothing. I don't like that. This isn't me. I fall, and I fall hard. It isn't happening, it's not even happening a little bit. This scares me.
While talking I mentioned a few things here and there, asking about her looks. To be honest, she's pretty much the opposite of what I find attractive in a girl. Which sucks, I can't see her in a sexual way just yet. It's frustrating, this usually comes easily. I happened to be staring at her eyes, I hadn't complimented her just yet; I gut reactioned a "your eyes look pretty", something along those lines. Even I could tell it wasn't heart felt, nothing was there. I don't click with her, all she is to me is a person to be with. For some reason I think that is fine. I feel terrible.
This mood I'm in, its something. It's a weird purpose of sorts, I keep saying I will get into gear and do something. Clearly I'm saying it again, but I think I've been slapped in the face with reality a bit too much in recent times for myself to not actually get out there and do some shit.
I find myself muttering quotes from fight club, like some cultist, Calvin did this once. I can see why, it's kind of hypnotic in a way. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
I'm ending up narrating my life to myself during the events and overthinking it minutes afterwards, which is why this blog is sort of sparse. The sentences above are just slight random thoughts I'm getting, which is sad because I typically have a lot to say, but once I open the new post I just lose everything.
Not only that, but I repeat myself. This mood, it keeps me worried. Am I actually having a disorder, am I dysfunctional? I think I'm just normally fucked up, like everyone else. Is everyone else this fucked up? I was thinking to myself today, the people who seem the weirdest and the most fucked I've seen are the ones that are hung up on relationships, that's their life. It's either that or that's all the seemed to have mentioned to me. They're also usually bouncing from one meaningless thing to the next. At least this is how it's worked for the women I've seen. Men usually fall into the whole friendzone circle where they continuously bitch about that.
Lately I've been psyching myself up, I'm slowly but surely improving at life. Seems like a weird thing to say. Well I wouldn't normally ask a girl out or make any sort of move at all. I asked the bus chick out, got turned down but fuck it, I asked didn't I? That's an improvement, it's not the successes that make you better its the mistakes. I kissed Emily, sure, I didn't feel into it, my penis was into it, but he's into anything. I still made the move. I'm becoming more comfortable around people in general. It's sort of becoming a habit to talk to the cashiers I happen across, a small chit-chat if I can. I'll learn how to spark conversation soon enough.
I ran the other day...I guess week by now, fuck. But christ, it was good, I'm going to run more, tomorrow actually. M/W/F running, T/T/S workouts is what I'm doing starting technically later tonight. The only thing I'm worried about for that is my knee, it should get better over time is what I'm hoping for. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to be able to pick and choose and have a reason for my stupidly high standards and judgments towards people. For some reason I feel like typically being healthier, fitter, and better looking than someone provides the perpetual high horse I demand.
I think that is about that for tonight. I'm going to put more later, tomorrow or the next night. I might start writing stories depending on my mood as well...those stories might end up being memories but whatever.
My recent reading of fight club has put me in a mood. Actually, the recent reading of fight club has enhanced the mood I've already been in. I'm not quite sure if its cynicism, depression, or something different altogether. I know for one thing, I'm not enjoying it.
There is something about lying beside someone, cuddling, kissing them, being awkward with them, and having a feeling of comfort and metaphorical warmth. All of that is nice.
I just did all of that, minus the comfort and metaphorical warmth. For some reason I feel weird, ashamed even. I feel like I've lied to someone. This person who I spent a few hours together with, on a romantic holiday, doing things that romantic people do. I felt pretty much nothing. I don't like that. This isn't me. I fall, and I fall hard. It isn't happening, it's not even happening a little bit. This scares me.
While talking I mentioned a few things here and there, asking about her looks. To be honest, she's pretty much the opposite of what I find attractive in a girl. Which sucks, I can't see her in a sexual way just yet. It's frustrating, this usually comes easily. I happened to be staring at her eyes, I hadn't complimented her just yet; I gut reactioned a "your eyes look pretty", something along those lines. Even I could tell it wasn't heart felt, nothing was there. I don't click with her, all she is to me is a person to be with. For some reason I think that is fine. I feel terrible.
This mood I'm in, its something. It's a weird purpose of sorts, I keep saying I will get into gear and do something. Clearly I'm saying it again, but I think I've been slapped in the face with reality a bit too much in recent times for myself to not actually get out there and do some shit.
I find myself muttering quotes from fight club, like some cultist, Calvin did this once. I can see why, it's kind of hypnotic in a way. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
I'm ending up narrating my life to myself during the events and overthinking it minutes afterwards, which is why this blog is sort of sparse. The sentences above are just slight random thoughts I'm getting, which is sad because I typically have a lot to say, but once I open the new post I just lose everything.
Not only that, but I repeat myself. This mood, it keeps me worried. Am I actually having a disorder, am I dysfunctional? I think I'm just normally fucked up, like everyone else. Is everyone else this fucked up? I was thinking to myself today, the people who seem the weirdest and the most fucked I've seen are the ones that are hung up on relationships, that's their life. It's either that or that's all the seemed to have mentioned to me. They're also usually bouncing from one meaningless thing to the next. At least this is how it's worked for the women I've seen. Men usually fall into the whole friendzone circle where they continuously bitch about that.
Lately I've been psyching myself up, I'm slowly but surely improving at life. Seems like a weird thing to say. Well I wouldn't normally ask a girl out or make any sort of move at all. I asked the bus chick out, got turned down but fuck it, I asked didn't I? That's an improvement, it's not the successes that make you better its the mistakes. I kissed Emily, sure, I didn't feel into it, my penis was into it, but he's into anything. I still made the move. I'm becoming more comfortable around people in general. It's sort of becoming a habit to talk to the cashiers I happen across, a small chit-chat if I can. I'll learn how to spark conversation soon enough.
I ran the other day...I guess week by now, fuck. But christ, it was good, I'm going to run more, tomorrow actually. M/W/F running, T/T/S workouts is what I'm doing starting technically later tonight. The only thing I'm worried about for that is my knee, it should get better over time is what I'm hoping for. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to be able to pick and choose and have a reason for my stupidly high standards and judgments towards people. For some reason I feel like typically being healthier, fitter, and better looking than someone provides the perpetual high horse I demand.
I think that is about that for tonight. I'm going to put more later, tomorrow or the next night. I might start writing stories depending on my mood as well...those stories might end up being memories but whatever.
Thursday 26 January 2012
The Ever Growing Loneliness
This hole keeps getting bigger. I wonder if it will ever end. Why am I holding on? The weakness and anguish I feel with every labored breath I take grows. I can't do this. I can't hold on. If I just fall, if I let go, maybe that will end the suffering.
A crisis of faith appears. I used to keep hope, buried deep inside. The only thing to keep me going. Yes people reading, I'm talking about girls. Christ, why do they hold so much sway with me? Is it normal for my metaphorical heart to be ripped out of my chest so easily?
Natalie walks back into my life, a new girl on the bus appears, a girl who seemingly loved me in highschool is talking to me again, and a girl is being introduced to me as a date. I am still lonely. Maybe it's the fact that Calvin is in his room with a girl who already fancies him. Maybe it's the constant conversations with Cadie about how much she's head over heads for her guy. Everyone is seemingly together with others, enjoying the touch, taste, and warmth they provide. That's what I want.
This is it. This is the moment that I'm going to ruin, I know I am. I'm already extrapolating every prospect that I have. I'm not sure about 2 of them, one is a super maybe, and I don't really want anything to do with the last unless its honestly a quick bang. Even then I'll hate myself, she's not all that attractive, there is a reason I never did her in high school.
The other problem? Every chick on the prospect list has major red flags, the two maybe's are the only ones who are subjective red flags. The bus girl in particular seems fine, but I think if I delve further into her past/personality it will show more unwelcome signs. Natalie is okay, she does have her issues. She reminds me of Madelaine in a way, which is a bad thing...I think, I miss Madelaine, I actually do, but I don't, I am completely lost again. I wish I knew how to deal with this.
The high school chick usually ends up talking to me after a break up, there is no difference here. She clearly wants something with me, I could probably get her over here right now if I wanted to. At the same time, honestly, I don't want to, I would lose respect for myself, Calvin would laugh me out of house and home...why is that a saying?
The date chick, she seems like the most reasonable. Mostly because we're both going into it knowing it's a date. We are being set up together, there is no fucking gray area. The situation is this: Wanna be together, GOOD NOW FUCK DAMN IT!
Anyways, Natalie is coming over on the weekend, I'm excited for no reason, I'm trying to stop. This hope that grows every time I'm near a girl is deadly. I might be going to 'study' with bus girl, at this point I don't know if she actually wants to study or if she wants a rebound (she's also recently broke up). I'm supposed to be set up with date chick soon, I'll be discussing it with Calvin's girl. I can call over High School chick whenever I want...If I get drunk soon I just might, because fuck it, I'll have an excuse then.
A crisis of faith appears. I used to keep hope, buried deep inside. The only thing to keep me going. Yes people reading, I'm talking about girls. Christ, why do they hold so much sway with me? Is it normal for my metaphorical heart to be ripped out of my chest so easily?
Natalie walks back into my life, a new girl on the bus appears, a girl who seemingly loved me in highschool is talking to me again, and a girl is being introduced to me as a date. I am still lonely. Maybe it's the fact that Calvin is in his room with a girl who already fancies him. Maybe it's the constant conversations with Cadie about how much she's head over heads for her guy. Everyone is seemingly together with others, enjoying the touch, taste, and warmth they provide. That's what I want.
This is it. This is the moment that I'm going to ruin, I know I am. I'm already extrapolating every prospect that I have. I'm not sure about 2 of them, one is a super maybe, and I don't really want anything to do with the last unless its honestly a quick bang. Even then I'll hate myself, she's not all that attractive, there is a reason I never did her in high school.
The other problem? Every chick on the prospect list has major red flags, the two maybe's are the only ones who are subjective red flags. The bus girl in particular seems fine, but I think if I delve further into her past/personality it will show more unwelcome signs. Natalie is okay, she does have her issues. She reminds me of Madelaine in a way, which is a bad thing...I think, I miss Madelaine, I actually do, but I don't, I am completely lost again. I wish I knew how to deal with this.
The high school chick usually ends up talking to me after a break up, there is no difference here. She clearly wants something with me, I could probably get her over here right now if I wanted to. At the same time, honestly, I don't want to, I would lose respect for myself, Calvin would laugh me out of house and home...why is that a saying?
The date chick, she seems like the most reasonable. Mostly because we're both going into it knowing it's a date. We are being set up together, there is no fucking gray area. The situation is this: Wanna be together, GOOD NOW FUCK DAMN IT!
Anyways, Natalie is coming over on the weekend, I'm excited for no reason, I'm trying to stop. This hope that grows every time I'm near a girl is deadly. I might be going to 'study' with bus girl, at this point I don't know if she actually wants to study or if she wants a rebound (she's also recently broke up). I'm supposed to be set up with date chick soon, I'll be discussing it with Calvin's girl. I can call over High School chick whenever I want...If I get drunk soon I just might, because fuck it, I'll have an excuse then.
Thursday 19 January 2012
My problems with self-worth.
A running theme in my life seems to be me being fat. Or at least 'bulkier' than my friends.
I've always been fat, since I was a kid till now. I blame this mostly on my mom now, but also a lot on myself. I could have been outside and playing as much as the next kid but I stayed indoors and played video games. I've always had video games, my dad/grandpa owned a computer store while I was younger so that's probably what started it. Although now it's obviously more common as every time I go to the mall the game store is filled with guys waiting to buy something.
Anyways, my mom has never been one to suggest I not eat. My mom loves the kitchen, it's her place. She's usually cooking, or baking. It's nice. The fridge and pantry are always full. There are usually fruits and food to pick from that are just on the counter. Then my mom always cooks up a huge dinner, which I'm realizing is huge only now because I'm living on my own. Most of this living on my own, not eating thing is actual self-realized dieting.
I'm trying to change how much I eat and why. The food is less "This is so good" and more "This is the fuel I need for my body". It doesn't change how I look at food. I still want to eat all the tasty shit I see. But I'm resisting, legitimately resisting it. When I'm walking through the grocery store, I'm imagining the taste of all my favourite foods. I just can't wait to eat them, I grab them, I look at them and I pause. I count up the food I've had, realized I probably wouldn't be able to eat this, and put it back. Or in some cases I'll realize that I've got plenty of food at home and I'll just eat that.
This is saving me both some money, and some grief. I feel better about myself knowing I'm getting there. Little by little, its the small changes that count. I'm brushing my teeth daily, morning and night like a normal person. I'm showering pretty much everyday, so much so that if I miss one, I notice how dirty I am. Those normal hygiene things? Yeah, I didn't do them...like...at all, I usually only showered when I could either smell myself, or if I had a girl coming over. That wasn't often. Now I'm eating at a normal level, or at least what people tell me is normal. That's another small change that will I will benefit from soon.
There are just a few more changes I'd like to make in my daily routine, then I think I'll be set. I want to read more, which I used to do before bed. So logically I'll just place it there again instead of bring the laptop to bed with me. I want to exercise more often, I don't find it that intrusive, at least not to do the body weight stuff I was doing before. I could do it around Calvin and not feel too embarrassed at myself. I want to study a bit more, which I might just end up doing at school, during breaks. Not quite sure on that. Maybe I'll just pay more attention in class, but going over my notes again couldn't hurt. I want to learn fucking French and Spanish, I keep saying that, I keep not doing it. I think that's just because I don't want to be muttering random sayings in the living room, I'll just wear headphones. 15-20 minutes a day should be fine I'd think.
So I've created these good habits (brushing teeth, showering) and I've semi-broken one (over-eating) as I've only done it a few days, not sure if it's fully taken yet. There's one more bad habit I really want to break, my nail biting. It's nervous habit, a bored habit, its something I do because there is nothing really going on in my head. I've never, not once, trimmed my finger nails, I've always bitten them. I need to identify that, and change the behaviour. I need to notice I'm doing it and just stop. Cold Turkey style.
Every time a girl comes into my life and then leaves. Snap, I try to change everything. As if it's just that easy. No, baby steps. Pick one thing, work on it, when that's good, move on to the next, and so on and so forth. Eventually you will be the person you've created in your head. Move forward to the next goal, always be moving forward even if its at a snails pace.
I guess I just want to be better than other people. I am an extremely envious person. It's ridiculous. How do I solve that? I don't know honestly. I wish I did.
I've always been fat, since I was a kid till now. I blame this mostly on my mom now, but also a lot on myself. I could have been outside and playing as much as the next kid but I stayed indoors and played video games. I've always had video games, my dad/grandpa owned a computer store while I was younger so that's probably what started it. Although now it's obviously more common as every time I go to the mall the game store is filled with guys waiting to buy something.
Anyways, my mom has never been one to suggest I not eat. My mom loves the kitchen, it's her place. She's usually cooking, or baking. It's nice. The fridge and pantry are always full. There are usually fruits and food to pick from that are just on the counter. Then my mom always cooks up a huge dinner, which I'm realizing is huge only now because I'm living on my own. Most of this living on my own, not eating thing is actual self-realized dieting.
I'm trying to change how much I eat and why. The food is less "This is so good" and more "This is the fuel I need for my body". It doesn't change how I look at food. I still want to eat all the tasty shit I see. But I'm resisting, legitimately resisting it. When I'm walking through the grocery store, I'm imagining the taste of all my favourite foods. I just can't wait to eat them, I grab them, I look at them and I pause. I count up the food I've had, realized I probably wouldn't be able to eat this, and put it back. Or in some cases I'll realize that I've got plenty of food at home and I'll just eat that.
This is saving me both some money, and some grief. I feel better about myself knowing I'm getting there. Little by little, its the small changes that count. I'm brushing my teeth daily, morning and night like a normal person. I'm showering pretty much everyday, so much so that if I miss one, I notice how dirty I am. Those normal hygiene things? Yeah, I didn't do them...like...at all, I usually only showered when I could either smell myself, or if I had a girl coming over. That wasn't often. Now I'm eating at a normal level, or at least what people tell me is normal. That's another small change that will I will benefit from soon.
There are just a few more changes I'd like to make in my daily routine, then I think I'll be set. I want to read more, which I used to do before bed. So logically I'll just place it there again instead of bring the laptop to bed with me. I want to exercise more often, I don't find it that intrusive, at least not to do the body weight stuff I was doing before. I could do it around Calvin and not feel too embarrassed at myself. I want to study a bit more, which I might just end up doing at school, during breaks. Not quite sure on that. Maybe I'll just pay more attention in class, but going over my notes again couldn't hurt. I want to learn fucking French and Spanish, I keep saying that, I keep not doing it. I think that's just because I don't want to be muttering random sayings in the living room, I'll just wear headphones. 15-20 minutes a day should be fine I'd think.
So I've created these good habits (brushing teeth, showering) and I've semi-broken one (over-eating) as I've only done it a few days, not sure if it's fully taken yet. There's one more bad habit I really want to break, my nail biting. It's nervous habit, a bored habit, its something I do because there is nothing really going on in my head. I've never, not once, trimmed my finger nails, I've always bitten them. I need to identify that, and change the behaviour. I need to notice I'm doing it and just stop. Cold Turkey style.
Every time a girl comes into my life and then leaves. Snap, I try to change everything. As if it's just that easy. No, baby steps. Pick one thing, work on it, when that's good, move on to the next, and so on and so forth. Eventually you will be the person you've created in your head. Move forward to the next goal, always be moving forward even if its at a snails pace.
I guess I just want to be better than other people. I am an extremely envious person. It's ridiculous. How do I solve that? I don't know honestly. I wish I did.
Monday 16 January 2012
The Brain is cushioned by layers of doubt.
I'm glad Commander Brain prepares for shit like this. The Pessimist inside me saves us all once again. Girl Issues. Girls Issues are the bane of my existence. I've had a girl say to me she isn't ready for a relationship once before, that was Madelaine. That entire scenario was a total mindfuck. It seems to be happening again, but at a much earlier stage. Thank god. This is the normal time to say shit like that, before someone has invested completely. I don't know whether or not this means we're just friends, I'm trying to talk her into something more, but she's hesitant. Calvin is talking with her tomorrow; right now, he's my ace in the hole. If she does indeed talk to him about her "Girl Issues" maybe he'll solve it and spin it my way. That would at least give me some short term happiness. I really want some sex.
I was doubting this from the moment I started writing the previous blog. The mindfucks and red flags were already appearing. I was talking myself down that night, don't be invested. It's just a kiss, just a makeout, just a little pleasure rubbing. My mind couldn't comprehend what I was saying but it was saying it none the less. I don't understand how people in this day and age can just... Live in the moment with such careless disregard. Clearly we both want something, she says she's not ready for something. Hmm. Mindfuck indeed.
Ugh, I have class in about 6 hours, its a 3 hour class. I don't want to wake up. I want to dream. I want to realize my dream, live in it. I want to live out my fantasy in my dream, because my fantasy just fell apart in the real world. That was a short one.
I was doubting this from the moment I started writing the previous blog. The mindfucks and red flags were already appearing. I was talking myself down that night, don't be invested. It's just a kiss, just a makeout, just a little pleasure rubbing. My mind couldn't comprehend what I was saying but it was saying it none the less. I don't understand how people in this day and age can just... Live in the moment with such careless disregard. Clearly we both want something, she says she's not ready for something. Hmm. Mindfuck indeed.
Ugh, I have class in about 6 hours, its a 3 hour class. I don't want to wake up. I want to dream. I want to realize my dream, live in it. I want to live out my fantasy in my dream, because my fantasy just fell apart in the real world. That was a short one.
Saturday 14 January 2012
Tickle fights are the way into a girl's pants.
I have one thing to say first to myself before I type this out, I don't know how long it's going to be, but if it is long, I have to remember this. A girl will not bring about eternal happiness, nor will she bring about a fix to all of your problems. A girl will get you high; she'll get you high off her scent, her voice, her touch. All of it is just ecstasy, but that doesn't mean she's the key. No one is the key but yourself, you make the most important decisions and choices in your life. Remember that.
Anyways, Natalie came over today. She texted me pretty early, asking if I was up yet cause she wanted to come over a bit ahead schedule. Sounds like she's interesting, I do a mini-fist pump as Calvin walks out the door to work. I quickly shower up, tidy a bit, and mentally prepare myself.
"Okay self, we're pretty sure she wants some dick. If shes not in it for the dick, then maybe it's just you. Could it be you? Yes it could be you dunce. You've played it pretty cool so far, maybe you're being attractive, all this flirting practice with Cadie is really paying off I guess. Anyways, focus, she'll be here in about an hour."
I notice the clock is about 15-20 minutes later than when I thought she'd be here. I hope she hasn't ditched. This is what I feared. I text her, my desperation peaks out at last. I'd resisted the urge to text her earlier. It sends. I hear a knock at the door. Of course. I get up and answer it. Hello girl I really want to fuck.
She walks in, smiling. She's not as pretty as I had remembered, but still pretty. She hands me the movies we are going to watch and she sits down. I put on the movie, I'm actually interested in this movie. I sit down beside her, we get close. I hesitate putting my arm around her. I don't know why. I think this will be too forward. Oh, that stupid part of me is back, that part that's bad with women. He's here, he's going to sabotage the entire operation. My arm drops around her.
We watch the movie, nothing special happens. A few conversations here and there, mostly laughing about the movie and a few good close scares where she bundles into me. I smile, that was good, but so far I'm losing the race against myself. I start "The Ring" up, I remember this being good and I'd told her I wanted her to see it before so I figure its appropriate. We watch, more cuddling. During the movie I think she gives me the stare. I almost go in, I hesitate. My moment is lost. Hrumph, next time. She leans her head onto my shoulder and I lean my head on hers. We stay like still for awhile, I am happy.
It's now about 6pm, we are going to watch The Living Dead, which she also brought. I use the washroom while she puts it in, I come back. I sit down. My brain says: "If we tickle her, maybe it will give us another shot." I ask if she's ticklish, moments before lunging at the sensitive parts, I had already had her foot in my grasp. She laughs and falls into me, I continue. Soon we're at spiderman levels, heads reversed to each other, we stop, this is the time. I hesitate, how the fuck do I kiss upside down, my brain pushing 100% power to the conundrum in front of me. Before I can figure a decent way we right ourselves up, cuddle and begin watching the show. She finds this episode scary which is great. I ended up getting a handful of ass which was nice.
WARNING WARNING, I WILL GO INTO DETAIL PERTAINING TO SEXUAL ADVANCES
We end the watching at 8pm. I'm sick of choosing movies so we get to talking. We talk for about 2 hours, getting to know each other and sharing stories. At about 10pm she mentions she should get going. My brain freaks out, we missed it, we missed everything, this isn't happening. Plan Repeat kicks in. I tickle her again, she laughs, jumps away onto another couch, I follow, she leans back into the armrest, my head is over hers. We stop, we stare, I'm about to go in for it, she kisses me. My brain bursts in ecstasy. We make out out for about 30 seconds when I grab her boob. I feel as if my hands are just kinda flopping around so that's why.
She doesn't stop me, we continue. I bring my hand down slowly, but not slowly enough in my mind. I'm racing, I'm too excited, but I can't stop. My hand finds it way to her and I slowly rub over the pants. She seems excited, continues kissing. She mentions she should really go, I moan and groan a bit but accept it. As shes getting ready I come up from behind and grab her boobs again, they're great. She bends down to grab her shoes and I grab her ass. Clearly I'm raring to go, my dick is visible through my jeans at this point. She's finally ready and stands up, we kiss a bit more. I lead her to door, saying I'll talk to her when she gets back.
END WARNING
The door closes. I wait for the outside door to close. -slam- YES YES YESY YES YES YESY ESYSE YESYES YESY ESY ESY ESY ES YSE YES YSE. THAT WAS AWESOME, I high-five my mirror self for what seems like ages. I text Calvin he's good to come back, I text Cadie because fuck it, I need someone to share in my post-makeout happiness. I sit down. I wonder if she'll come over again. I hope so, did I fuck anything up, was I too desperate in some of my advances? Was I too slow? Was I too fast? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? For right now I don't know.
A small facebook chat shows that she's received some bad news pertaining to her family, I don't know how to deal with this, when can I invite her over again, she's busy tomorrow for most of the day I believe. And Calvin is typically here during the week, I might end up having to go with next weekend. : ( Crap.
Anyways, Natalie came over today. She texted me pretty early, asking if I was up yet cause she wanted to come over a bit ahead schedule. Sounds like she's interesting, I do a mini-fist pump as Calvin walks out the door to work. I quickly shower up, tidy a bit, and mentally prepare myself.
"Okay self, we're pretty sure she wants some dick. If shes not in it for the dick, then maybe it's just you. Could it be you? Yes it could be you dunce. You've played it pretty cool so far, maybe you're being attractive, all this flirting practice with Cadie is really paying off I guess. Anyways, focus, she'll be here in about an hour."
I notice the clock is about 15-20 minutes later than when I thought she'd be here. I hope she hasn't ditched. This is what I feared. I text her, my desperation peaks out at last. I'd resisted the urge to text her earlier. It sends. I hear a knock at the door. Of course. I get up and answer it. Hello girl I really want to fuck.
She walks in, smiling. She's not as pretty as I had remembered, but still pretty. She hands me the movies we are going to watch and she sits down. I put on the movie, I'm actually interested in this movie. I sit down beside her, we get close. I hesitate putting my arm around her. I don't know why. I think this will be too forward. Oh, that stupid part of me is back, that part that's bad with women. He's here, he's going to sabotage the entire operation. My arm drops around her.
We watch the movie, nothing special happens. A few conversations here and there, mostly laughing about the movie and a few good close scares where she bundles into me. I smile, that was good, but so far I'm losing the race against myself. I start "The Ring" up, I remember this being good and I'd told her I wanted her to see it before so I figure its appropriate. We watch, more cuddling. During the movie I think she gives me the stare. I almost go in, I hesitate. My moment is lost. Hrumph, next time. She leans her head onto my shoulder and I lean my head on hers. We stay like still for awhile, I am happy.
It's now about 6pm, we are going to watch The Living Dead, which she also brought. I use the washroom while she puts it in, I come back. I sit down. My brain says: "If we tickle her, maybe it will give us another shot." I ask if she's ticklish, moments before lunging at the sensitive parts, I had already had her foot in my grasp. She laughs and falls into me, I continue. Soon we're at spiderman levels, heads reversed to each other, we stop, this is the time. I hesitate, how the fuck do I kiss upside down, my brain pushing 100% power to the conundrum in front of me. Before I can figure a decent way we right ourselves up, cuddle and begin watching the show. She finds this episode scary which is great. I ended up getting a handful of ass which was nice.
WARNING WARNING, I WILL GO INTO DETAIL PERTAINING TO SEXUAL ADVANCES
We end the watching at 8pm. I'm sick of choosing movies so we get to talking. We talk for about 2 hours, getting to know each other and sharing stories. At about 10pm she mentions she should get going. My brain freaks out, we missed it, we missed everything, this isn't happening. Plan Repeat kicks in. I tickle her again, she laughs, jumps away onto another couch, I follow, she leans back into the armrest, my head is over hers. We stop, we stare, I'm about to go in for it, she kisses me. My brain bursts in ecstasy. We make out out for about 30 seconds when I grab her boob. I feel as if my hands are just kinda flopping around so that's why.
She doesn't stop me, we continue. I bring my hand down slowly, but not slowly enough in my mind. I'm racing, I'm too excited, but I can't stop. My hand finds it way to her and I slowly rub over the pants. She seems excited, continues kissing. She mentions she should really go, I moan and groan a bit but accept it. As shes getting ready I come up from behind and grab her boobs again, they're great. She bends down to grab her shoes and I grab her ass. Clearly I'm raring to go, my dick is visible through my jeans at this point. She's finally ready and stands up, we kiss a bit more. I lead her to door, saying I'll talk to her when she gets back.
END WARNING
The door closes. I wait for the outside door to close. -slam- YES YES YESY YES YES YESY ESYSE YESYES YESY ESY ESY ESY ES YSE YES YSE. THAT WAS AWESOME, I high-five my mirror self for what seems like ages. I text Calvin he's good to come back, I text Cadie because fuck it, I need someone to share in my post-makeout happiness. I sit down. I wonder if she'll come over again. I hope so, did I fuck anything up, was I too desperate in some of my advances? Was I too slow? Was I too fast? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? For right now I don't know.
A small facebook chat shows that she's received some bad news pertaining to her family, I don't know how to deal with this, when can I invite her over again, she's busy tomorrow for most of the day I believe. And Calvin is typically here during the week, I might end up having to go with next weekend. : ( Crap.
Sunday 8 January 2012
"If you want to get over a woman, turn her into literature."
I've turned Madelaine into a blog. I used to rant to her, now I rant to this.
Is that a good thing, is it good that I'm mostly drunk.
I am sad. I am depressed, I realize that, I identify with that. I understand what is needed for me to crawl out of the abyss that I feel myself in. Chelsea likes him, that's why I "went to bed", I'm wingman. At least I think I am, Khali said to just cockblock. Fuck that, hopefully he gets somewhere, he needs it at this point. I've at least gotten somewhere, although I feel like I didn't deserve it. It just happened, not only that, but it wasn't what I wanted. The things in my life that I cared about have been fucked up. I need to change that.
First things first, women. This blog was started because of one things, my feelings. My feelings of depression, sadness and loneliness, that feeling of having nothing. That was all brought on by the break up. Boy was I fucked up after that, I did not communicate clearly what I was thinking and basically brought the entire situation upon myself. We both have our reasons why it was wrong and right; They're all justified, no one is the villain. That is why I'm confused, I've never really had a ...gray area before, and even if I did I never really came up with a way to deal with it.
The main reason for women was because I felt like I didn't deserve it was because I didn't think I was worthy (cue Wayne's World clip), I felt I wasn't attractive enough for the relationship. I never thought I could keep a girl. This is what caused my insecurity, my constant judging of the relationship, my need for the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. That label was needed to solidify my worthiness as a mate. If I was to be stated as a boyfriend publicly, maybe then I would consider myself to be an actual decent mate. I have to say thank god for CD, at least he is more desolate and full of yearning than me, because holy shit. I could not deal with being CD. I would consider suicide (excluding my teenage angst years).
I feel like I am not attractive mostly because of my weight, I find it disgusting, I found it disgusting when I saw Madelaine naked, and Amanda personally, less though than on myself, but still to a certain degree. Oh sure, with clothes they both look attractive/decent, but without -shudders- It's an entirely different story. I'm worried for when I have to be naked, I have never fully be naked in front of someone. I guess excluding my parents because come on. But I refuse to be naked in front of other, I think I might have been naked in front of Madelaine during a shower / sex thing towards/after our break up, but I didn't understand the point... At that point I was defeated, we couldn't have sex, neither of us was attracted to the body of the other. What was the point of shower sex? To realize we're never going to click sexually or mentally? I don't know anymore.
I know that I want to be healthy, I know that I want to be sexier both to myself (no homo) and to the female population, I know that I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I can't talk to women because I think they won't want to do me. Because that's usually the end result of what people want, at least in a club setting (hence why I don't like going to clubs). I don't feel comfortable because I know that in my head, I'd be making fun of people consistently both to my friends and just to myself about people that look strange. I think I look strange, and therefore I find myself self conscious of the things I'm doing.
I recently watched the commentary on 500 days of summer. There is one point where they discuss the main character second guessing himself. Of being too introverted, thinking too hard as it were. I am the same way, I know its the problem. I feel as though the problem stems from my weight, I am not comfortable or confident in my body. I need to change it, sooner the better. I promise myself, this time next year, I will have lost 100 pounds. So help me god, it is still a technically healthy weight loss, you can lose 2 pounds a week and be fine. It's end of week 1, I am about 270/280 right now, I will be 170-180 (possibly more depending on my skeleton frame, I honestly don't know what the hell I should weight right now) but I will be focusing all of my might/will on this. I'm fucking sick of this. These parties are making me realize, I stand no chance in the real world. I could be the charmingest motherfucker on the planet, I will still lose to the more attractive person, that's life, that's how this works.
But not only that, I need to be healthy. I need to survive. I need to be the person I feel like. I can't wallow in self pity for the rest of my life and hope the sex follows. I need to fucking do something about it, I need to change, I need to change in a way that changes my life for the better. I am already on my way towards being a doctor, my long term career/life choice is set, I need to change how I look, which I can do both short term/long term. I have nothing else to do, why not go to the gym right? Exactly Marcel, go fuck yourself. You know what this is about. You want to show everybody up, you are one jealous motherfucker. You want to be the best of the best, you want to win. You want Madelaine to be the loser in this break-up, you want her to feel like she fucked up, like she has it worst. Because listen bitch, you didn't lose shit. She took an extra year at high school because she fucking failed, that's right, failed.That bitch failed highschool, where they babysit you to a passing grade. Not only that, she worked at Tim Hortons, and was considering doing that for the rest of her life. Fuck that right? THATS RIGHT FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER. Oh yeah, she's going off to college, but you know what? She's not ready, she's never ready. Not only that, but she will never know what she wants from life. She didn't before, she won't now. She'll bounce around life and eventually just settle into a complacent unhappy life. It's bitter, it's jealous, it's vindictive yes. But fuck it man, if it makes you happy it makes you happy.
You man, you will go places, you will be the best of your class, you will make it to becoming a doctor, you will live your dream, you will lose this weight, you will become fit, you will be rolling in pussy, if not then it's by choice. That pussy will want to roll with you, but you're too good for that shit, that's some nasty pussy, you need high quality smart pussy. Pussy that wants, no...needs to make you happy it's their fucking role in life. This I promise you future me, future sober me. You have a free membership to YMCA, a free bus pass, soon money from the government to support you (I fucking hope so God, or whatever, you saved us this month, and possibly next, but you need to pull through on this). You want to know why you are granted so many things? Because you are destined for great things, you are destined to change the motherfucking world, in however a small way you change it, it will be for the better.
You have Calvin, the good luck charm bought to you during grade 10, you have become best friends, struggled through great/troublesome things. You're still together, you will survive, you will endure, you will rise and become great together. Eventually everything will become clear and well with the world, you will both be in a state of nirvana, and drunk/past you hopes that state will continue forever. I cannot predict the future, I can only affect what You, future sober You does. I tell you now, that you will do everything in your power to become great. No matter the cost, it doesn't matter. Do it, become great, become legendary, become so amazing that your grandkids children will speak of you during recess.
This pep talk brought to you by drunk/jealous me, I'm jealous of you Calvin, feel lucky. Escalate, because women like you better, I think you could of gotten somewhere with Chelsea if you haven't already, when I step aside, it means sit beside her, touch her, kiss her, move towards the bedroom. You have had chances galore, and you will continue to have chances galore, when people say they are surprised you're a virgin they say that with reason. Think why we are surprised when Cadie, Chelsea, or Mel say they were virgin's. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING HOT. Do you know what that means? That means you're hot. Use it, abuse it, take as much advantage as that as you can. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you.
Christ, I feel like I need a girl beside me. But being in my bed, listening to Mother Mother and being drunk; it is a small relief, a calm feeling. It puts me at peace, this is what I wanted, I wanted to be content again, I was there until the Natalie incident, that incident that caused that fucked up problems. She should never soil the holy grounds known as our apartment again, because I think she'll cause too many problems. Personally I think I have a problem with forgetting/letting go, but that's just me. This peace is something that came when I finally understood the Madelaine problem. It just finally clicked, everything fell into place and I was content. I am now at that stage again, albeit I am drunk but hopefully this follows till the morning.
I am sobering up, but not enough that I really censor myself, that note that this is the first time I have ever used my ex's name in a post, with reason, I don't enjoy talking about her. But really, I need to. I need to talk this over with myself again, the whole issue. It's in a different light, I've matured...at least I think I have. 500 days of summer is my therapy, and it has cured me. It brought to light my issues, my reasons, her issues, her reasons. It has brought with it a complete understanding of the situation I would have never considered. Her words: "I bought it when I was mad at you... It made me see your side of the thing more clearly". It helped us both, I'm happy about that. I don't think I'll ever really talk to her again, not after last time, she said it would be better if I died. I guess I made an impact. But if I do see her again, I will talk with her, because it's a mature thing to do, plus I thing we'd have our whole nostalgic moment together and those are always fun.
I don't think it's healthy to completely cut your ex out of your life forever, sure, it's a part of the healing process. That part where you non-stop bitch and complain about them; that zealous hate for them that you harbour, that's normal, its a step in the right direction. But eventually you should be able to deal with them. For me I think I would still have that deep, cutting ache in my heart, but it's highschool all coming back, it's that angst that won't go away. I built it up, into this giant thing that it never was, it did matter to me, but I'm slowly tearing it down. When I finally get a new girlfriend, I think it will be the final few pieces that'll get thrown away, but it will still be there until then I think. Maybe it's just my lack of commitment to a decision talking, as I frequently say "I could be wrong" as a backdoor out of situations. I should probably fix that.
Anyways, I hope I remember this when I wake up. I want life to change drastically within the next week, so get on that shit. In 7 days, I will be reporting in.
Is that a good thing, is it good that I'm mostly drunk.
I am sad. I am depressed, I realize that, I identify with that. I understand what is needed for me to crawl out of the abyss that I feel myself in. Chelsea likes him, that's why I "went to bed", I'm wingman. At least I think I am, Khali said to just cockblock. Fuck that, hopefully he gets somewhere, he needs it at this point. I've at least gotten somewhere, although I feel like I didn't deserve it. It just happened, not only that, but it wasn't what I wanted. The things in my life that I cared about have been fucked up. I need to change that.
First things first, women. This blog was started because of one things, my feelings. My feelings of depression, sadness and loneliness, that feeling of having nothing. That was all brought on by the break up. Boy was I fucked up after that, I did not communicate clearly what I was thinking and basically brought the entire situation upon myself. We both have our reasons why it was wrong and right; They're all justified, no one is the villain. That is why I'm confused, I've never really had a ...gray area before, and even if I did I never really came up with a way to deal with it.
The main reason for women was because I felt like I didn't deserve it was because I didn't think I was worthy (cue Wayne's World clip), I felt I wasn't attractive enough for the relationship. I never thought I could keep a girl. This is what caused my insecurity, my constant judging of the relationship, my need for the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. That label was needed to solidify my worthiness as a mate. If I was to be stated as a boyfriend publicly, maybe then I would consider myself to be an actual decent mate. I have to say thank god for CD, at least he is more desolate and full of yearning than me, because holy shit. I could not deal with being CD. I would consider suicide (excluding my teenage angst years).
I feel like I am not attractive mostly because of my weight, I find it disgusting, I found it disgusting when I saw Madelaine naked, and Amanda personally, less though than on myself, but still to a certain degree. Oh sure, with clothes they both look attractive/decent, but without -shudders- It's an entirely different story. I'm worried for when I have to be naked, I have never fully be naked in front of someone. I guess excluding my parents because come on. But I refuse to be naked in front of other, I think I might have been naked in front of Madelaine during a shower / sex thing towards/after our break up, but I didn't understand the point... At that point I was defeated, we couldn't have sex, neither of us was attracted to the body of the other. What was the point of shower sex? To realize we're never going to click sexually or mentally? I don't know anymore.
I know that I want to be healthy, I know that I want to be sexier both to myself (no homo) and to the female population, I know that I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I can't talk to women because I think they won't want to do me. Because that's usually the end result of what people want, at least in a club setting (hence why I don't like going to clubs). I don't feel comfortable because I know that in my head, I'd be making fun of people consistently both to my friends and just to myself about people that look strange. I think I look strange, and therefore I find myself self conscious of the things I'm doing.
I recently watched the commentary on 500 days of summer. There is one point where they discuss the main character second guessing himself. Of being too introverted, thinking too hard as it were. I am the same way, I know its the problem. I feel as though the problem stems from my weight, I am not comfortable or confident in my body. I need to change it, sooner the better. I promise myself, this time next year, I will have lost 100 pounds. So help me god, it is still a technically healthy weight loss, you can lose 2 pounds a week and be fine. It's end of week 1, I am about 270/280 right now, I will be 170-180 (possibly more depending on my skeleton frame, I honestly don't know what the hell I should weight right now) but I will be focusing all of my might/will on this. I'm fucking sick of this. These parties are making me realize, I stand no chance in the real world. I could be the charmingest motherfucker on the planet, I will still lose to the more attractive person, that's life, that's how this works.
But not only that, I need to be healthy. I need to survive. I need to be the person I feel like. I can't wallow in self pity for the rest of my life and hope the sex follows. I need to fucking do something about it, I need to change, I need to change in a way that changes my life for the better. I am already on my way towards being a doctor, my long term career/life choice is set, I need to change how I look, which I can do both short term/long term. I have nothing else to do, why not go to the gym right? Exactly Marcel, go fuck yourself. You know what this is about. You want to show everybody up, you are one jealous motherfucker. You want to be the best of the best, you want to win. You want Madelaine to be the loser in this break-up, you want her to feel like she fucked up, like she has it worst. Because listen bitch, you didn't lose shit. She took an extra year at high school because she fucking failed, that's right, failed.That bitch failed highschool, where they babysit you to a passing grade. Not only that, she worked at Tim Hortons, and was considering doing that for the rest of her life. Fuck that right? THATS RIGHT FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER. Oh yeah, she's going off to college, but you know what? She's not ready, she's never ready. Not only that, but she will never know what she wants from life. She didn't before, she won't now. She'll bounce around life and eventually just settle into a complacent unhappy life. It's bitter, it's jealous, it's vindictive yes. But fuck it man, if it makes you happy it makes you happy.
You man, you will go places, you will be the best of your class, you will make it to becoming a doctor, you will live your dream, you will lose this weight, you will become fit, you will be rolling in pussy, if not then it's by choice. That pussy will want to roll with you, but you're too good for that shit, that's some nasty pussy, you need high quality smart pussy. Pussy that wants, no...needs to make you happy it's their fucking role in life. This I promise you future me, future sober me. You have a free membership to YMCA, a free bus pass, soon money from the government to support you (I fucking hope so God, or whatever, you saved us this month, and possibly next, but you need to pull through on this). You want to know why you are granted so many things? Because you are destined for great things, you are destined to change the motherfucking world, in however a small way you change it, it will be for the better.
You have Calvin, the good luck charm bought to you during grade 10, you have become best friends, struggled through great/troublesome things. You're still together, you will survive, you will endure, you will rise and become great together. Eventually everything will become clear and well with the world, you will both be in a state of nirvana, and drunk/past you hopes that state will continue forever. I cannot predict the future, I can only affect what You, future sober You does. I tell you now, that you will do everything in your power to become great. No matter the cost, it doesn't matter. Do it, become great, become legendary, become so amazing that your grandkids children will speak of you during recess.
This pep talk brought to you by drunk/jealous me, I'm jealous of you Calvin, feel lucky. Escalate, because women like you better, I think you could of gotten somewhere with Chelsea if you haven't already, when I step aside, it means sit beside her, touch her, kiss her, move towards the bedroom. You have had chances galore, and you will continue to have chances galore, when people say they are surprised you're a virgin they say that with reason. Think why we are surprised when Cadie, Chelsea, or Mel say they were virgin's. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING HOT. Do you know what that means? That means you're hot. Use it, abuse it, take as much advantage as that as you can. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you.
Christ, I feel like I need a girl beside me. But being in my bed, listening to Mother Mother and being drunk; it is a small relief, a calm feeling. It puts me at peace, this is what I wanted, I wanted to be content again, I was there until the Natalie incident, that incident that caused that fucked up problems. She should never soil the holy grounds known as our apartment again, because I think she'll cause too many problems. Personally I think I have a problem with forgetting/letting go, but that's just me. This peace is something that came when I finally understood the Madelaine problem. It just finally clicked, everything fell into place and I was content. I am now at that stage again, albeit I am drunk but hopefully this follows till the morning.
I am sobering up, but not enough that I really censor myself, that note that this is the first time I have ever used my ex's name in a post, with reason, I don't enjoy talking about her. But really, I need to. I need to talk this over with myself again, the whole issue. It's in a different light, I've matured...at least I think I have. 500 days of summer is my therapy, and it has cured me. It brought to light my issues, my reasons, her issues, her reasons. It has brought with it a complete understanding of the situation I would have never considered. Her words: "I bought it when I was mad at you... It made me see your side of the thing more clearly". It helped us both, I'm happy about that. I don't think I'll ever really talk to her again, not after last time, she said it would be better if I died. I guess I made an impact. But if I do see her again, I will talk with her, because it's a mature thing to do, plus I thing we'd have our whole nostalgic moment together and those are always fun.
I don't think it's healthy to completely cut your ex out of your life forever, sure, it's a part of the healing process. That part where you non-stop bitch and complain about them; that zealous hate for them that you harbour, that's normal, its a step in the right direction. But eventually you should be able to deal with them. For me I think I would still have that deep, cutting ache in my heart, but it's highschool all coming back, it's that angst that won't go away. I built it up, into this giant thing that it never was, it did matter to me, but I'm slowly tearing it down. When I finally get a new girlfriend, I think it will be the final few pieces that'll get thrown away, but it will still be there until then I think. Maybe it's just my lack of commitment to a decision talking, as I frequently say "I could be wrong" as a backdoor out of situations. I should probably fix that.
Anyways, I hope I remember this when I wake up. I want life to change drastically within the next week, so get on that shit. In 7 days, I will be reporting in.
Wednesday 4 January 2012
Delve into the inner thoughts with me, my friends.
I have self-esteem issues. 100%
I've always thought I didn't look good, at least on the outside. It's the reason I'm not confident with women. My mind likes to doubt me in the moment, that's why I like being drunk, it dulls that mind voice. I figure if I work on my weight problem, then maybe I'll think of myself as attractive enough that a girl might want to fuck me as much as I want to fuck them. That's what I'm trying to achieve here.
I believe I have a good personality, I'm pretty sure I'm funny. I call myself funny at least, so I have to back it up somehow with jokes. I guess I'm not just funny while being serious/introverted on a blog, it's hard to make jokes while I talk about my actual problems, my sarcasm/self-depreciating humor is typically used as a fishing method for compliments. That's my theory anyway. Maybe I just won't admit to myself, reverse psychology is not the right word for what I'm doing, but I'm trying to over-analyze what I do and why.
Perhaps that's the wrong way to do it. Should I just do shit and not think about the reasons for said action. Instant gratification works so well for everything else. Except yeah, fuck that, I have to think about what I'm doing in some parts. It's an even mix then. Life is hard.
Christ, I have to stop thinking or something.
I've always thought I didn't look good, at least on the outside. It's the reason I'm not confident with women. My mind likes to doubt me in the moment, that's why I like being drunk, it dulls that mind voice. I figure if I work on my weight problem, then maybe I'll think of myself as attractive enough that a girl might want to fuck me as much as I want to fuck them. That's what I'm trying to achieve here.
I believe I have a good personality, I'm pretty sure I'm funny. I call myself funny at least, so I have to back it up somehow with jokes. I guess I'm not just funny while being serious/introverted on a blog, it's hard to make jokes while I talk about my actual problems, my sarcasm/self-depreciating humor is typically used as a fishing method for compliments. That's my theory anyway. Maybe I just won't admit to myself, reverse psychology is not the right word for what I'm doing, but I'm trying to over-analyze what I do and why.
Perhaps that's the wrong way to do it. Should I just do shit and not think about the reasons for said action. Instant gratification works so well for everything else. Except yeah, fuck that, I have to think about what I'm doing in some parts. It's an even mix then. Life is hard.
Christ, I have to stop thinking or something.
Monday 2 January 2012
New Years, the things I want to accomplish.
The New Years party went well, I keep forgetting that a party is just a thing where people drink and talk, that's literally it. For some reason I feel like there should be all these activities and junk. Activities can be fun, but most of the party is talking and jokes. Thank god my friends and I are good at that.
Anyways, I'm tired so I'm just going to list what I want to do by the end of this year.
-Lose weight, goal being at least 1 pound a week.
-Get another girlfriend
-Have a one night stand
-Learn enough french to have a shitty conversation with Calvin, preferably where we're both drunk
-Get native status
I'll write more eventually.
Anyways, I'm tired so I'm just going to list what I want to do by the end of this year.
-Lose weight, goal being at least 1 pound a week.
-Get another girlfriend
-Have a one night stand
-Learn enough french to have a shitty conversation with Calvin, preferably where we're both drunk
-Get native status
I'll write more eventually.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)