"If you want to get over a woman, turn her into literature."

I've turned Madelaine into a blog. I used to rant to her, now I rant to this.

Is that a good thing, is it good that I'm mostly drunk.

I am sad. I am depressed, I realize that, I identify with that. I understand what is needed for me to crawl out of the abyss that I feel myself in. Chelsea likes him, that's why I "went to bed", I'm wingman. At least I think I am, Khali said to just cockblock. Fuck that, hopefully he gets somewhere, he needs it at this point. I've at least gotten somewhere, although I feel like I didn't deserve it. It just happened, not only that, but it wasn't what I wanted. The things in my life that I cared about have been fucked up. I need to change that.

First things first, women. This blog was started because of one things, my feelings. My feelings of depression, sadness and loneliness, that feeling of having nothing. That was all brought on by the break up. Boy was I fucked up after that, I did not communicate clearly what I was thinking and basically brought the entire situation upon myself. We both have our reasons why it was wrong and right; They're all justified, no one is the villain. That is why I'm confused, I've never really had a ...gray area before, and even if I did I never really came up with a way to deal with it.

The main reason for women was because I felt like I didn't deserve it was because I didn't think I was worthy (cue Wayne's World clip), I felt I wasn't attractive enough for the relationship. I never thought I could keep a girl. This is what caused my insecurity, my constant judging of the relationship, my need for the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. That label was needed to solidify my worthiness as a mate. If I was to be stated as a boyfriend publicly, maybe then I would consider myself to be an actual decent mate. I have to say thank god for CD, at least he is more desolate and full of yearning than me, because holy shit. I could not deal with being CD. I would consider suicide (excluding my teenage angst years).

I feel like I am not attractive mostly because of my weight, I find it disgusting, I found it disgusting when I saw Madelaine naked, and Amanda personally, less though than on myself, but still to a certain degree. Oh sure, with clothes they both look attractive/decent, but without -shudders- It's an entirely different story. I'm worried for when I have to be naked, I have never fully be naked in front of someone. I guess excluding my parents because come on. But I refuse to be naked in front of other, I think I might have been naked in front of Madelaine during a shower / sex thing towards/after our break up, but I didn't understand the point... At that point I was defeated, we couldn't have sex, neither of us was attracted to the body of the other. What was the point of shower sex? To realize we're never going to click sexually or mentally? I don't know anymore.

I know that I want to be healthy, I know that I want to be sexier both to myself (no homo) and to the female population, I know that I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I can't talk to women because I think they won't want to do me. Because that's usually the end result of what people want, at least in a club setting (hence why I don't like going to clubs). I don't feel comfortable because I know that in my head, I'd be making fun of people consistently both to my friends and just to myself about people that look strange. I think I look strange, and therefore I find myself self conscious of the things I'm doing.

I recently watched the commentary on 500 days of summer. There is one point where they discuss the main character second guessing himself. Of being too introverted, thinking too hard as it were. I am the same way, I know its the problem. I feel as though the problem stems from my weight, I am not comfortable or confident in my body. I need to change it, sooner the better. I promise myself, this time next year, I will have lost 100 pounds. So help me god, it is still a technically healthy weight loss, you can lose 2 pounds a week and be fine. It's end of week 1, I am about 270/280 right now, I will be 170-180 (possibly more depending on my skeleton frame, I honestly don't know what the hell I should weight right now) but I will be focusing all of my might/will on this. I'm fucking sick of this. These parties are making me realize, I stand no chance in the real world. I could be the charmingest motherfucker on the planet, I will still lose to the more attractive person, that's life, that's how this works.

But not only that, I need to be healthy. I need to survive. I need to be the person I feel like. I can't wallow in self pity for the rest of my life and hope the sex follows. I need to fucking do something about it, I need to change, I need to change in a way that changes my life for the better. I am already on my way towards being a doctor, my long term career/life choice is set, I need to change how I look, which I can do both short term/long term. I have nothing else to do, why not go to the gym right? Exactly Marcel, go fuck yourself. You know what this is about. You want to show everybody up, you are one jealous motherfucker. You want to be the best of the best, you want to win. You want Madelaine to be the loser in this break-up, you want her to feel like she fucked up, like she has it worst. Because listen bitch, you didn't lose shit. She took an extra year at high school because she fucking failed, that's right, failed.That bitch failed highschool, where they babysit you to a passing grade. Not only that, she worked at Tim Hortons, and was considering doing that for the rest of her life. Fuck that right? THATS RIGHT FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER. Oh yeah, she's going off to college, but you know what? She's not ready, she's never ready. Not only that, but she will never know what she wants from life. She didn't before, she won't now. She'll bounce around life and eventually just settle into a complacent unhappy life. It's bitter, it's jealous, it's vindictive yes. But fuck it man, if it makes you happy it makes you happy.

You man, you will go places, you will be the best of your class, you will make it to becoming a doctor, you will live your dream, you will lose this weight, you will become fit, you will be rolling in pussy, if not then it's by choice. That pussy will want to roll with you, but you're too good for that shit, that's some nasty pussy, you need high quality smart pussy. Pussy that wants, no...needs to make you happy it's their fucking role in life. This I promise you future me, future sober me. You have a free membership to YMCA, a free bus pass, soon money from the government to support you (I fucking hope so God, or whatever, you saved us this month, and possibly next, but you need to pull through on this). You want to know why you are granted so many things? Because you are destined for great things, you are destined to change the motherfucking world, in however a small way you change it, it will be for the better.

You have Calvin, the good luck charm bought to you during grade 10, you have become best friends, struggled through great/troublesome things. You're still together, you will survive, you will endure, you will rise and become great together. Eventually everything will become clear and well with the world, you will both be in a state of nirvana, and drunk/past you hopes that state will continue forever. I cannot predict the future, I can only affect what You, future sober You does. I tell you now, that you will do everything in your power to become great. No matter the cost, it doesn't matter. Do it, become great, become legendary, become so amazing that your grandkids children will speak of you during recess.

This pep talk brought to you by drunk/jealous me, I'm jealous of you Calvin, feel lucky. Escalate, because women like you better, I think you could of gotten somewhere with Chelsea if you haven't already, when I step aside, it means sit beside her, touch her, kiss her, move towards the bedroom. You have had chances galore, and you will continue to have chances galore, when people say they are surprised you're a virgin they say that with reason. Think why we are surprised when Cadie, Chelsea, or Mel say they were virgin's. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING HOT. Do you know what that means? That means you're hot. Use it, abuse it, take as much advantage as that as you can. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you.

Christ, I feel like I need a girl beside me. But being in my bed, listening to Mother Mother and being drunk; it is a small relief, a calm feeling. It puts me at peace, this is what I wanted, I wanted to be content again, I was there until the Natalie incident, that incident that caused that fucked up problems. She should never soil the holy grounds known as our apartment again, because I think she'll cause too many problems. Personally I think I have a problem with forgetting/letting go, but that's just me. This peace is something that came when I finally understood the Madelaine problem. It just finally clicked, everything fell into place and I was content. I am now at that stage again, albeit I am drunk but hopefully this follows till the morning.

I am sobering up, but not enough that I really censor myself, that note that this is the first time I have ever used my ex's name in a post, with reason, I don't enjoy talking about her. But really, I need to. I need to talk this over with myself again, the whole issue. It's in a different light, I've matured...at least I think I have. 500 days of summer is my therapy, and it has cured me. It brought to light my issues, my reasons, her issues, her reasons. It has brought with it a complete understanding of the situation I would have never considered. Her words: "I bought it when I was mad at you... It made me see your side of the thing more clearly". It helped us both, I'm happy about that. I don't think I'll ever really talk to her again, not after last time, she said it would be better if I died. I guess I made an impact. But if I do see her again, I will talk with her, because it's a mature thing to do, plus I thing we'd have our whole nostalgic moment together and those are always fun.

I don't think it's healthy to completely cut your ex out of your life forever, sure, it's a part of the healing process. That part where you non-stop bitch and complain about them; that zealous hate for them that you harbour, that's normal, its a step in the right direction. But eventually you should be able to deal with them. For me I think I would still have that deep, cutting ache in my heart, but it's highschool all coming back, it's that angst that won't go away. I built it up, into this giant thing that it never was, it did matter to me, but I'm slowly tearing it down. When I finally get a new girlfriend, I think it will be the final few pieces that'll get thrown away, but it will still be there until then I think. Maybe it's just my lack of commitment to a decision talking, as I frequently say "I could be wrong" as a backdoor out of situations. I should probably fix that.

Anyways, I hope I remember this when I wake up. I want life to change drastically within the next week, so get on that shit. In 7 days, I will be reporting in.