My problems with self-worth.

A running theme in my life seems to be me being fat. Or at least 'bulkier' than my friends.

I've always been fat, since I was a kid till now. I blame this mostly on my mom now, but also a lot on myself. I could have been outside and playing as much as the next kid but I stayed indoors and played video games. I've always had video games, my dad/grandpa owned a computer store while I was younger so that's probably what started it. Although now it's obviously more common as every time I go to the mall the game store is filled with guys waiting to buy something.

Anyways, my mom has never been one to suggest I not eat. My mom loves the kitchen, it's her place. She's usually cooking, or baking. It's nice. The fridge and pantry are always full. There are usually fruits and food to pick from that are just on the counter. Then my mom always cooks up a huge dinner, which I'm realizing is huge only now because I'm living on my own. Most of this living on my own, not eating thing is actual self-realized dieting.

I'm trying to change how much I eat and why. The food is less "This is so good" and more "This is the fuel I need for my body". It doesn't change how I look at food. I still want to eat all the tasty shit I see. But I'm resisting, legitimately resisting it. When I'm walking through the grocery store, I'm imagining the taste of all my favourite foods. I just can't wait to eat them, I grab them, I look at them and I pause. I count up the food I've had, realized I probably wouldn't be able to eat this, and put it back. Or in some cases I'll realize that I've got plenty of food at home and I'll just eat that.

This is saving me both some money, and some grief. I feel better about myself knowing I'm getting there. Little by little, its the small changes that count. I'm brushing my teeth daily, morning and night like a normal person. I'm showering pretty much everyday, so much so that if I miss one, I notice how dirty I am. Those normal hygiene things? Yeah, I didn't do them...like...at all, I usually only showered when I could either smell myself, or if I had a girl coming over. That wasn't often. Now I'm eating at a normal level, or at least what people tell me is normal. That's another small change that will I will benefit from soon.

There are just a few more changes I'd like to make in my daily routine, then I think I'll be set. I want to read more, which I used to do before bed. So logically I'll just place it there again instead of bring the laptop to bed with me. I want to exercise more often, I don't find it that intrusive, at least not to do the body weight stuff I was doing before. I could do it around Calvin and not feel too embarrassed at myself. I want to study a bit more, which I might just end up doing at school, during breaks. Not quite sure on that. Maybe I'll just pay more attention in class, but going over my notes again couldn't hurt. I want to learn fucking French and Spanish, I keep saying that, I keep not doing it. I think that's just because I don't want to be muttering random sayings in the living room, I'll just wear headphones. 15-20 minutes a day should be fine I'd think.

So I've created these good habits (brushing teeth, showering) and I've semi-broken one (over-eating) as I've only done it a few days, not sure if it's fully taken yet. There's one more bad habit I really want to break, my nail biting. It's nervous habit, a bored habit, its something I do because there is nothing really going on in my head. I've never, not once, trimmed my finger nails, I've always bitten them. I need to identify that, and change the behaviour. I need to notice I'm doing it and just stop. Cold Turkey style.

Every time a girl comes into my life and then leaves. Snap, I try to change everything. As if it's just that easy. No, baby steps. Pick one thing, work on it, when that's good, move on to the next, and so on and so forth. Eventually you will be the person you've created in your head. Move forward to the next goal, always be moving forward even if its at a snails pace.

I guess I just want to be better than other people. I am an extremely envious person. It's ridiculous. How do I solve that? I don't know honestly. I wish I did.