Okay, I haven't even correctly updated this on my life. Should've done this post beginning of september but you know, october will fucking do.
I sit here, in my parents place. Butt fuck nowhere again, trapped for the weekend. Little access to computers, little access to outside connections I guess. But thats shitty and lame. I love my family, they're some of the few people who I feel comfortable with.
I've started nursing school, 4 years to go now. So far, I'm enjoying it. It's pretty cool. A great deal of the information we're learning deals with how you think in relation to how you deal with clients and patients. Sort of how you handle caring, how you see yourself, and how you see other people in an overall sense. In fact I have to write a couple papers on exactly those things. What was interesting was that over the summer I pretty much created a hermit out of myself and never really left the house or hung out with friends (or when I did, it was them coming to me, not vice-versa). During this hermit-fest, I spent a lot of my time getting high, and during a lot of my time getting high I found I was delving into sort of an existentialism thought process. I began to ponder how and why people forge the relationships they do, and why they choose specific people. I started to watch people intently, watching to see how they interacted with others; more anthropologist looking in than a person in the situation. While this happened I began getting good at predicting people, based on just how well I knew them right, but I kept sort of going back and comparing to their other encounters. I thought it was cool and I always got a laugh out of predicting their reaction correctly.
I used the information I gathered from watching people to understand how they react to certain situations and stimuli. This sort of thinking and information gathering is pretty much what we're learning in one of my classes, and I thought I was all amazing for sort of prepping my brain for that sort of thinking. On the same line of thinking. My other class has us trying to define our values, what is important to us. This is a question I've struggled with I would think my entire life, I've never been good at describing myself or how I think or sometimes how I even reach a conclusion. Just comes to me I guess, anyways, with this project I have to do I think it will allow me to at least bare-bones my own generalized personality. Help me define myself a bit.
Other news, typing this out made me feel a bit better than I was when I started. Woo!
Pretty much this is how I'm feeling about a relationship:
I want one,
I just want someone to hold at night, I want someone to care about me, and I want to know that person cares about me.
I want someone that I can spend time with, talk with, do nothing with, and still feel happy and still feel like I'm having a good time.
Far too many times I find myself with a girl, hanging out, doing whatever shit I figured she would want to do. In the moment, I enjoy myself, mental monologue starts thinking about the next moves and what should I be doing to move this forward, or maybe even I start thinking about what she is thinking about me. It's that point I know it's poison, I try to not think what others are thinking, at least about myself because I usually have a piss poor self esteem, so my inner monologue picks the choicest insults that I can come up with. Usually something the other person wouldn't dare say, or have any knowledge about.
I try to be strong, to be confident, attractive, daring, funny, intelligent. All this shit, I try to be, never seems to get mentioned, I fall by the wayside. Fat, alone, rejected. Fuck that, I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I'm feelin' stronger every day, more confident, more attractive. This darkness can only last so long. Every day is a struggle to grasp the dawn, the light at the end of the tunnel calls to me and I can see it. I will be everything I want to be and more. No one can stop this fucking train.
---
Introspective break:
This is all introspective I know, shut up. I'm typing on a crappy keyboard that sticks, the internet isn't fast enough to listen to music online, and I'm sitting here, backtalking myself.
I talk to myself. Does everyone talk to themselves? this is what I'm talking about
these are the conversations I die for
these are the conversations I would climb the sky for
For these are my lovers.
I want to have a deep conversation, about what the other person is thinking, about how they think, without repercussion or backlash. I want my mind to be shared with open arms and a kiss. I want love. Love is a bitch, get a taste for it, then you smell it everywhere, it consumes you, because you know what that feeling is, you know that connection and you crave it. It's the craving thats killing me.
If anyone reads this, whats on your mind? Talk to me, please.
No comments:
Post a Comment