Valentines Day

This post is probably not actually going to be about valentines day.

My recent reading of fight club has put me in a mood. Actually, the recent reading of fight club has enhanced the mood I've already been in. I'm not quite sure if its cynicism, depression, or something different altogether. I know for one thing, I'm not enjoying it.

There is something about lying beside someone, cuddling, kissing them, being awkward with them, and having a feeling of comfort and metaphorical warmth. All of that is nice.

I just did all of that, minus the comfort and metaphorical warmth. For some reason I feel weird, ashamed even. I feel like I've lied to someone. This person who I spent a few hours together with, on a romantic holiday, doing things that romantic people do. I felt pretty much nothing. I don't like that. This isn't me. I fall, and I fall hard. It isn't happening, it's not even happening a little bit. This scares me.

While talking I mentioned a few things here and there, asking about her looks. To be honest, she's pretty much the opposite of what I find attractive in a girl. Which sucks, I can't see her in a sexual way just yet. It's frustrating, this usually comes easily. I happened to be staring at her eyes, I hadn't complimented her just yet; I gut reactioned a "your eyes look pretty", something along those lines. Even I could tell it wasn't heart felt, nothing was there. I don't click with her, all she is to me is a person to be with. For some reason I think that is fine. I feel terrible.

This mood I'm in, its something. It's a weird purpose of sorts, I keep saying I will get into gear and do something. Clearly I'm saying it again, but I think I've been slapped in the face with reality a bit too much in recent times for myself to not actually get out there and do some shit.

I find myself muttering quotes from fight club, like some cultist, Calvin did this once. I can see why, it's kind of hypnotic in a way. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.

I'm ending up narrating my life to myself during the events and overthinking it minutes afterwards, which is why this blog is sort of sparse. The sentences above are just slight random thoughts I'm getting, which is sad because I typically have a lot to say, but once I open the new post I just lose everything.

Not only that, but I repeat myself. This mood, it keeps me worried. Am I actually having a disorder, am I dysfunctional? I think I'm just normally fucked up, like everyone else. Is everyone else this fucked up? I was thinking to myself today, the people who seem the weirdest and the most fucked I've seen are the ones that are hung up on relationships, that's their life. It's either that or that's all the seemed to have mentioned to me. They're also usually bouncing from one meaningless thing to the next. At least this is how it's worked for the women I've seen. Men usually fall into the whole friendzone circle where they continuously bitch about that.

Lately I've been psyching myself up, I'm slowly but surely improving at life. Seems like a weird thing to say. Well I wouldn't normally ask a girl out or make any sort of move at all. I asked the bus chick out, got turned down but fuck it, I asked didn't I? That's an improvement, it's not the successes that make you better its the mistakes. I kissed Emily, sure, I didn't feel into it, my penis was into it, but he's into anything. I still made the move. I'm becoming more comfortable around people in general. It's sort of becoming a habit to talk to the cashiers I happen across, a small chit-chat if I can. I'll learn how to spark conversation soon enough.

I ran the other day...I guess week by now, fuck. But christ, it was good, I'm going to run more, tomorrow actually. M/W/F running, T/T/S workouts is what I'm doing starting technically later tonight. The only thing I'm worried about for that is my knee, it should get better over time is what I'm hoping for. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to be able to pick and choose and have a reason for my stupidly high standards and judgments towards people. For some reason I feel like typically being healthier, fitter, and better looking than someone provides the perpetual high horse I demand.

I think that is about that for tonight. I'm going to put more later, tomorrow or the next night. I might start writing stories depending on my mood as well...those stories might end up being memories but whatever.