That light at the end of the tunnel is looking more and more like a train.

Seriously? God, why do you pick on me?

So yeah, I'll allow the texts to speak for themselves.

Amanda: "So here is the deal, if we go to movies it will be only as friends that is it cause I have a lot of shit going on right now and I can't handle anything else ATM I am sorry."

Me: "=/ ouch..."

*pause for a few minutes while I discuss what to do next with Calvin*

Me: "So what time is good for you?"

Amanda: "6:55, and why did you say ouch?"

*another long pause and discussion. At this point half of my brain has shut down. The crushes I develop do this to me, but I know Calvin can half assed-ly steer me while alarms and sirens go off in the control centers in my brain*

Me (Calvin): "I said ouch cause I'm kinda hurt, I really like you and I've been in this situation before and it sucked. I actually wanted to pursue a relationship with you."

Amanda: "I didn't say that, I said that I can't right now"


*Pause, sporadic flashes of light from firefights are seen in my eyes as the defense mechanisms try to keep my depression and anger from taking over and destroying any sense of happiness*


Me (Calvin): "I just don't want to be stuck in limbo where I think we're going to get together and then we just don't."

Amanda: "kk, well how about this, we can see other people and then we will figure stuff out at a later date, because I am in a crunch month for school"

*Pause, blood is being mopped up from the corridors of my brain. The defense seems to have everything under control, I retain some semblance of happiness towards the situation at hand*

Me and Calvin (Aside): What is wrong with people and commitment?

Me: "Not to sound like a whiny bitch, but that's even worse. How about we just wait until after this month to start dating more?"

As I write this I don't have a response to that. This makes me worried. I just retexted her a "?" she usually responds after that. Sigh. I hate waiting.

Anyways. I should've known this was a crunch month, Aren't college kids done in April or something? I dunno. She is usually busy and stuff...but come on right? Just a couple days here and there, I don't ask for a lot. Hmm...I only have a problem, with the whole "seeing other people" because I know I'm not going to do anyone, but shes in college and I'm assuming would party a lot and therefore be exposed to drunk idiots. Basically I don't want her to find someone else. I've pretty much put all my eggs in one basket on this mostly because I've tried all my other options, she's my last chance until college or until I find someone through work maybe? Ugh I don't know.

Right now I'm thinking of this...I don't know what to call it anymore, if we're going as "just friends" I guess I can't call it a date, and I guess I can't kiss her. Do I still have to pay for her, if its a date I assume I have to, I'll have money for both of us either way. Sigh I don't enjoy being sad. I ask you, random internet people, is this normal? If you've read my post about my ex, is that situation normal? Is this becoming more and more prevalent in the new (i.e my) generation? What happened to just dating a girl you liked rather than dating 5 people while still hooking up with random people at parties?

I don't like this whole, casual sex, or what Calvin would call the next "free love" movement. I hate hippies first of all, and I love the aspect of monogamy. You give your body (read: naughty bits) to the person you love, you don't just give your mind/heart to them, you can give that to everybody, I'd rather you not give them your heart as well, but it never hurts to have a couple awesome friends that you really share your thoughts with. Sigh. I don't know anymore, I really hope college will be better for both finding some people (girls) that are like me and single because doing this right now without really any social interaction outside of my close friends (guys) its impossible.

The good news for the day I guess is that I'm handing out resumes tomorrow and probably still seeing that movie with whats her bitch. Hopefully I'll get a job within the next week or two, I can't stay cooped up in my room for the next 6 months I'll go insane.