Tomorrow is a busy day.

Well I don't feel like typing but I'm looking at this more of like a log of my life just so I can keep track and look at how dumb I was long ago rather than a blog where people can laugh at me while I'm being dumb so I shall perceive.

I have an interview at Walmart tomorrow. 10:30. I'm nervous but at the same time my "epiphany" if you want to call it that has almost numbed me to anything. As I see it now at this point in time, a lot of what happens to me isn't going to affect me that much and therefore should not draw a lot of concern on my part. I've been looking into what other people think about Walmart interviews, a lot of the people asking are stoners and hippies so I think my pool of competition for the job are not the brightest of the bunch. I've seen some of the answers saying that if you have an interview you pretty much have the job so long as you pass a drug test. Thankfully I don't do any drugs on a regular basis and the last time I did was forever ago. Hopefully this is a for sure thing cause I could really use some money even if it is part time.

Anyways the other part of my day is a college preview. That starts at 2 so I've got some time to kill in between the two events of my day. With the college preview I get to see who I'll be learning from, who I'm learning with, and where exactly I'm learning. I'm mostly focusing on the who I'm learning with and the girl to guy ratio. So far I know at least one other guy is in the program with me. I know him, and he's an obnoxious douche. That kind of makes me not like this course from the beginning (knowing that after this year I have to spend another 4 with this guy in all the same classes). Either way, I have to enjoy the program, its gonna be my life and I'm legitimately interested in the subject manner so that's always a good thing. Hopefully McDouche will fail out of it or something, anything really. That or somehow I just become friends with him, that could work.

Ugh, I guess that's it.
-Marz

Believe it or not, Marz isn't at home.

So yeah, I haven't been home for awhile (read: I've been at Calvin's house since Thursday). Basically meaning I wasn't updating the blog, obviously. Although even if I had updated I don't think I'd have anything interesting to say, but interesting topics are hard to come by now. I'm at a loss for words for how my mind shapes my thoughts now. It's weird, I guess you could call an epiphany of sorts. Usually what I'm thinking about is girls, relationships and my desire to have one. My desire in the past was more of a crippling addiction to the thought of having, perhaps even needing a relationship to retain my sanity and happiness. This addiction led to a mistake I hope to never repeat again.

Sometimes I feel like the process of getting over a break up is done. At other times I feel like it has just begun anew. Maybe that's why a lot of people say you never truly get over anybody? I can safely say I'm over my ex, I have no desire to be with her again. The only thing I would like to do is somehow get back at her, but that is a waste of resources on my part. I for one am sort of a believer in Karma, she'll get whats coming to her.

Bitterness aside, I've grown as a person. I hate how cliche that sounds, but I can't find the right words. The reason behind my thinking is this; I've realized I don't need a relationship to be happy. Something that simple, I feel stupid for never knowing that in the first place. The only things true in my life will be my family and myself. Until the moment comes where I find the one or whatever you want to call her, I think that self improvement is the way to go. After looking for someone for a long time now and talking to people, it seems like the general consensus is that you can't force it. You shouldn't go looking for a relationship, a relationship will find you. It just happens. Of course that's not to say you can just lie back and let it happen...unless you're a slut, but I won't name names.

So my focus right now is improving my self image. This basically means white teeth, slim down, and not smell like I woke up in a pile of dirty hobos. This may seem douchebaggy of me to say, but every time I look in the mirror I'm actually surprised at how good I think I look. My face I mean. I think I'd be attractive to most girls if not for my other downfalls. This means it's a time for change, and time of rally. I've bought a new toothpaste, the stuff that's supposed to whiten within two weeks time which apparently has pretty good reviews. I've brought up my workout bench from the garage so I can finally do other various exercises. Not to mention revamping my workout to specs similar to my dad's old routine which seemed to do well for him so why wouldn't it do well for me? I am the fruit of his loins. Other than that I need to get into a routine of showering and shaving on a regular basis. Right now I'm rocking a sweet nerd shop beard which needs to be cut down as soon as possible.

The only other improvements I can make are getting a job which will lead to money, and learning some languages. I have what seems to be an offer from Walmart for overnights and I will be calling them tomorrow. To be honest I'm not overly optimistic...I should write that rant tomorrow, or at least my reasoning for this point of view. Learning a new language will be surprisingly easy, as I've already listened to some of the tapes my dad gave me, I actually learned a lot from just about an hour. I fell out of listening to them though so that's another habit I need to get into again. Sigh, it's easier than I'm giving it credit for, its the problem of sticking with it. I guess the only habit I need to break is my constant computer attachment. I'll update tomorrow for sure, maybe they'll be good news concerning the job.

-Marz

Budget Cuts

Well my family has recently got into the habit of having a bi-weekly meeting to discuss what we need to get done around the house. These meetings generally discuss what our plans are for the next week or two and what we need in terms of money for the plans. They also focus on our bills for the house, car, and credit cards. Now something you should understand is that my parents are not the best for credit cards. When I was a kid we ended up having to file bankruptcy and all that jazz so we ended up losing our swanky place at boardwalk and didn't get to pass go. What happened was that we had to move to much smaller house so it was fun explaining to my teachers that I didn't do my homework because I was moving, then answering if we were moving into a bigger house, and then finally explaining the entire situation to someone who has no reason to ask about it.

Anyways, because of these past misfortunes my parents never shut up about the proper use of a credit card. They've been pounded hard enough my credit cards (as have I by proxy) and they don't want that to happen again. The sad thing is that they still can't keep it under control. I don't know how they're fucking up. I started to ask about our bills so I can keep my own budget, I don't trust my parents with their money anymore, is that sad? I have our hydro bill and our hydro debt from our old house written down but I need to make sure I get the other bills from my mom when they come in, that or harpy her for them (apparently a lot of them get billed through the bank electronically or are billed to a credit card). I then also need to factor in variables such as our gas and food bills along with any kind of extra shit they may do (i.e buying movies, going out for dinner). At the meeting when I started asking they told me not to worry about it though. I found this kind of patronizing, especially since I will end up having to do this soon. By no means am I asking for control over the bills or our budget, but I'd like my own records to understand where we're bleeding money from and it'll give me the valuable experience I'll need for my real world applications.

I've been half budgeting my future out because college is coming up and I'll need money for that. Luckily I should have my native status by then which should pay for a majority, if not all of my expenses. What I'm hoping for soon is to get a job (I repeat myself often on this blog don't I?), I'm handing out resumes tomorrow, I need to ask that one store again if they're hiring/for their number. Anyways, once I get a job I can actually budget correctly instead of using my made up numbers as I am now. If I calculated it right, on bare minimums alone in a worst case scenario I should have upwards of $1500 - $2000 saved up for my college life, I think that's pretty okay. If I really need to I can ask my parents, my grandparents, or my extended family for money. If I tell them I'm planning on becoming a doctor I'm sure they won't hesitate. Sigh...

I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for my life to begin. Every day seems to be blending together. I'm waiting out the clock on Amanda, I texted her today because of the advice from Godless' comment (They help people, seriously give me your ideas). She seemed happy that I texted her, that or the voice I gave her in my head seemed overly bubbly. She couldn't come over today because she was busy with school work as I suspected so I shall continue my waiting until she is done school. Would it be wrong of me to ask when she's done her semester? Probably not. I might end up doing that when I text her next.

-Marz

Over the Top

I could strangle a baby one handed with the arm I'm getting now. I've basically been sawing huge logs all day so we can keep a fire going in my house. The reason we're using fire instead of actual heaters is because we're running out of oil due to lack of money, oh the joys of poverty. Combined with my "daily activity" and the workouts I'm already doing my right arm is becoming insane compared to my left. I really need to try and switch my hand use. Either way I can actually see a difference in strength and how my shirts fit me so I'm happy, even if I do have a case of jerker's arm. Eventually someone will be doing the jerking for me so it'll even out.

There isn't too much in terms of Amanda talk because my embargo still stands. I want to text her, but I shall hold out and wait for her to instigate...that or wait another day. Of course, keeping the embargo for this upcoming week I would think is a good idea. She seems to be really busy with school work and having someone trying to text you while you do something important is one of the most infuriating things in the world. I hate when my friends text me during something I need to do, unless of course I've got plans with them for later and I'm waiting on a response anyways. Either way, I shall continue my impersonation of the capitalist pig dogs against the dirty communist peasants.

So hopefully this upcoming weekend I'll be going to the bars actually. My friends Kyle and Steven are planning on it at least. Kyle is old enough and Steven has a fake I.D, sadly Calvin can't go because he doesn't have one and with his birthday coming up in about a month it's not really worth it. The only things I'm worried about is the money, and my approach anxiety. My money problems should be okay; I can probably get a 20 from my parents as we're getting the paycheck this week and if I really need to I'm sure Kyle and Steven can throw me money especially since they ditched out a bit early for my b-day celebrations. My girl problems are more trouble some, I have a huge fear of talking to girls, or at least making "moves"/flirting with girls. This is only going to be compounded by Kyle and Steven being there. Since my friends aren't Salt N Pepa, I can't talk about sex to girls which is typically used when escalating the situation from getting a number to sex in a bathroom. Not to mention I'm deathly afraid of embarrassing myself in front of people. I guess I'm going to just have to suck it up; "This is all a learning experience, I only have one life, I don't care what these strangers think of me, oh my god that girl has the biggest boobs I've ever seen, the more you think about it the more you won't do it".

I should also remember that I'm not there to impress anyone, I'm sure if I can fault that type of confidence in myself that I can at least talk to a girl and have her show the signs of interest that I carefully study. How can I get that confidence in myself? I have to make sure I feel comfortable in the clothes I'm wearing, I have to make sure I believe that I'm awesome, and I need to be a bit drunk. I guess that's it for me. Anyone who read this far, please know I'd appreciate any kind of tips on talking to girls through a comment, that or hit the "horse" button so I know someone read it. The more motivation, the better.

Every now and then I fall apart

I was going to update the other day, honestly. I don't know why I forgot I just did I guess, I had a whole rant ready for the blog which I thought was going to be fun/cool. For future reference for myself, its about pessimism and knowing me it'll be a good rant when it comes down to it.

Anyways, I got wasted last night with my friends as per my plan to celebrate my birthday from last week. It was awesome mostly because I never get to see my friends Kyle and Steven, I see Calvin all the time, he's actually sitting right beside me. The only problem with Calvin is that he's going to start a full time job soon, which basically means I won't be seeing him unless its a thursday (floor hockey night). So my night was full of video games, drinking my alcohol filled cup while trying not to grimace, and being asshole for about 10 rounds in a row. Asshole is a great game, although we were just playing for the joy of not being asshole rather than the drinking game rules.

The plus side of drinking was the fact that I now have an excuse to test the limits with Amanda. Before I was mostly afraid of texting anything risque mostly because I didn't want to step over the fine line between playful anticipation and being a dirty old homeless man yelling from across the street. I started off with telling I was drunk, always a good option. She was at work which meant I couldn't exactly talk my way into a booty call sadly. I did however manage to shimmy my way into talking about our sex again. She seemed happy about it, at least from what I can tell from a text and my optimism coloured glasses.

Another plus was that Calvin could text Amanda to get access to information she wouldn't tell me/that I was too pussy to ask about. For those who don't know, Calvin was the person to introduce me to Amanda in the first place so they're sort of friends. Anyways, the gist was the she indeed did like me, what was at the time busy with school and work. This is sort of similar to the answer she gave me, although I second guessed myself and assumed it was more rejection than pause in forward momentum. Thankfully this gets me back in my happy mood. I felt in a sort of rut there for a couple days but I feel like I'm out of it now.

What else? Hmm. I guess I could talk about the text embargo...which is sort of half going on. Basically its exactly what it sounds like, I can't text. It's for Amanda though, I find I have an overwhelming need to text her, and I feel like that it will eventually lead to the words, "desperate", "needy", and "annoying" coming to her head. So basically what this does is tilt the teeter totter towards me (theoretically). I don't have much experience with dating and the games associated with the mating ritual. I seem to always skip a few chapters, case and point being getting oral shortly following my first kiss and having sex with someone after only seeing them two times without really saying anything. I'm either highly irresistible or I'm just lucky in that I suddenly fall, lose my pants, and slide into a vagina. The whole teeter totter thing refers to the whole "who cares less" method of looking at a relationship. Apparently if I don't look like I want/need the relationship, it will cause the other person to want/need the relationship more. It seems to work for me, because I keep thinking she'll just blow away in the wind at any moment and I keep trying to hold her down and close to me. I'd enjoy the thoughts on this type of approach to dating, i.e. has it worked for you? Is it a good idea at all?

Pretty sure that's it. I should be updating tomorrow as well because I don't think I have anything to do that day.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Well the "date" didn't go as well as I was hoping. When I'm around other people with the person I like/wanna do I seize up and become a shell of what I am when I'm alone with someone. This was previously mentioned the last time I was with Amanda when Calvin was also at my house; Of course that story had a happy ending. This one is a bit different.

See, first of all, she brought Katt, her vagina's guardian. Katt also doesn't like me, but her bark is a lot louder than her bite. We didn't really exchange words at all, in fact I barely said anything. Again, I seize up with other people when I'm around with my crush. I get worried about the judgments of my...I guess what I would call flirting. Not only that but the previous mentions of "we're going as just friends" kind of just cut off any forward momentum I would've had. I waited for them outside for a bit, worrying over whether or not I'd be stood up. Thankfully I wasn't but I got the message "just outside for a smoke". Now she's previously told me that she doesn't smoke but I know that Katt does I didn't see her smoke one though. I hope she wasn't lying to me because I really can't stand smokers. The fact that she didn't was a big plus for her but that might be down the drain now.

We ended up seeing that new Adam Sandler movie, I chose it because she likes Grown Ups as well so I knew it'd be more of the same with a rom-com twist. Overall it was an okay movie, typical rom-com with a few decent jokes. I tried to be as open as possible to the comedy (i.e laugh a lot more) because I figured there would be some groan worthy jokes in there. Surprisingly not as many as you'd think but it's Adam Sandler and I like his movies so yeah, this isn't a review blog, back to the whole thing. Basically Amanda and Katt sat huddled together talking, I didn't really know what to say if anything (we were in a movie) and I didn't exactly want to make any kind of move (the only one I knew being an arm over the shoulder) especially when its "just friends", we're in a crowded theater, and her best friend/pussy protector sitting right beside her.

Half way through the movie I stopped debating with myself over whether or not to make a move or to try and impress Amanda somehow. I talked about dating and being charming with my dad before and he basically gave me perfect advice, "You're not out there with people trying to impress them, you're just there to be yourself, the people who like you for you will stay and the assholes who don't won't. That's just how it works". I remembered this talk with him and decided to just let whatever happens happen. Especially with the leash of "just friends" looming over me. I figured that maybe when she's not as busy I'll see her more and if not, then fuck her there's always another one.

Now recently one of my friends got into a relationship after being single. I was talking to them about singleness because I was thinking of asking her out but at the same time I thought that we are just friends and the only time I'd do her would be drunk at a party by mistake, although I always mention I would fuck her in a second. When I was talking with her I mentioned that I was basically lonely and really wanted a relationship with anyone to which she replies "You should enjoy being single, it's better than you'd think" meanwhile she consistently bitches about being single, having no life, and generally being sad. Now, this is mostly just her being a dumb bitch because she is actually going to parties a lot of the time, going to bars (now that she's 19) and if not that then hanging out with friends. She has no reason to bitch. I found it hypocritical that she preached to me about how being single is good while she moaned about it to me and is now in a relationship with someone.

I honestly don't mind being single, at least not today. I'm kind of just accepting a whole "I don't need someone to make me happy" kind of mentality. Right now I'm just trying to lose weight and I keep telling myself I'm dieting, but as I look back on the day I realize I ate a shit ton more than I should of. Today I decided to really focus on not eating too much, at first I aimed at 2000 calories a day (the typical diet range according to nutritional info boxes) but now its mostly eat something small for breakfast, maybe something at lunch and then whatever dinner is while trying not to snack. I do workout as well but not as much as I'd like, mostly out of laziness. In fact I should be starting my 20-30 min workout in a half hour but I'll probably just lift my barbell a few times and do some push ups. I actually have a whole thing I've planned out that hit a lot of areas, but those two focus a lot on my arms so I'm fine with that. Ugh, I don't know what else to say. Sorry if this post kind of sucks (read: unfunny), not really in a writing mood today for some reason.

That light at the end of the tunnel is looking more and more like a train.

Seriously? God, why do you pick on me?

So yeah, I'll allow the texts to speak for themselves.

Amanda: "So here is the deal, if we go to movies it will be only as friends that is it cause I have a lot of shit going on right now and I can't handle anything else ATM I am sorry."

Me: "=/ ouch..."

*pause for a few minutes while I discuss what to do next with Calvin*

Me: "So what time is good for you?"

Amanda: "6:55, and why did you say ouch?"

*another long pause and discussion. At this point half of my brain has shut down. The crushes I develop do this to me, but I know Calvin can half assed-ly steer me while alarms and sirens go off in the control centers in my brain*

Me (Calvin): "I said ouch cause I'm kinda hurt, I really like you and I've been in this situation before and it sucked. I actually wanted to pursue a relationship with you."

Amanda: "I didn't say that, I said that I can't right now"


*Pause, sporadic flashes of light from firefights are seen in my eyes as the defense mechanisms try to keep my depression and anger from taking over and destroying any sense of happiness*


Me (Calvin): "I just don't want to be stuck in limbo where I think we're going to get together and then we just don't."

Amanda: "kk, well how about this, we can see other people and then we will figure stuff out at a later date, because I am in a crunch month for school"

*Pause, blood is being mopped up from the corridors of my brain. The defense seems to have everything under control, I retain some semblance of happiness towards the situation at hand*

Me and Calvin (Aside): What is wrong with people and commitment?

Me: "Not to sound like a whiny bitch, but that's even worse. How about we just wait until after this month to start dating more?"

As I write this I don't have a response to that. This makes me worried. I just retexted her a "?" she usually responds after that. Sigh. I hate waiting.

Anyways. I should've known this was a crunch month, Aren't college kids done in April or something? I dunno. She is usually busy and stuff...but come on right? Just a couple days here and there, I don't ask for a lot. Hmm...I only have a problem, with the whole "seeing other people" because I know I'm not going to do anyone, but shes in college and I'm assuming would party a lot and therefore be exposed to drunk idiots. Basically I don't want her to find someone else. I've pretty much put all my eggs in one basket on this mostly because I've tried all my other options, she's my last chance until college or until I find someone through work maybe? Ugh I don't know.

Right now I'm thinking of this...I don't know what to call it anymore, if we're going as "just friends" I guess I can't call it a date, and I guess I can't kiss her. Do I still have to pay for her, if its a date I assume I have to, I'll have money for both of us either way. Sigh I don't enjoy being sad. I ask you, random internet people, is this normal? If you've read my post about my ex, is that situation normal? Is this becoming more and more prevalent in the new (i.e my) generation? What happened to just dating a girl you liked rather than dating 5 people while still hooking up with random people at parties?

I don't like this whole, casual sex, or what Calvin would call the next "free love" movement. I hate hippies first of all, and I love the aspect of monogamy. You give your body (read: naughty bits) to the person you love, you don't just give your mind/heart to them, you can give that to everybody, I'd rather you not give them your heart as well, but it never hurts to have a couple awesome friends that you really share your thoughts with. Sigh. I don't know anymore, I really hope college will be better for both finding some people (girls) that are like me and single because doing this right now without really any social interaction outside of my close friends (guys) its impossible.

The good news for the day I guess is that I'm handing out resumes tomorrow and probably still seeing that movie with whats her bitch. Hopefully I'll get a job within the next week or two, I can't stay cooped up in my room for the next 6 months I'll go insane.

You've turned off your targeting computer!

Well...I guess my Han and Chewie came to save me but not in the way I was hoping. I didn't end up going to see the movie with Amanda today like I was hoping, instead I forgot that I was supposed to have a special dinner with the family. Even if I didn't have the dinner I couldn't have made it. Our car was basically running on fumes (Another point for poverty). I managed however to spin this into another date possibly. I said I'd make it up to her by taking her to the movies on Tuesday, "it was so pimp. I even offered to pay for it". However, she said she doesn't know what she's doing that day, so she might end up having to work which would suck, cause I really wanna do it in a movie theater.

See a lot of the problem with Amanda is that she barely knows whats she's doing day to day, so its one of those 'make plans the day of' type of deals. I really hate that, I enjoy looking forward to things and I like making plans for those things, makes me feel at ease. What's a good time to try and make plans anyways? I guess sometime around the beginning of lunch? Morning is too early, and afternoon/evening is where the other vultures will get to her/she'll be at home. So yeah, I guess at lunch on Tuesday is when I'll ask if we're still on for that night.

Guess that's it...hmm, short update.

Wait...You're not going to the bars?

Well, it's my birthday. I'm 19 today, I can officially go to a bar, get drunk and hopefully score with a chick. Sadly there are few bars/no clubs where I live, I have little to no money for booze, and I don't have a car to pick up a chick in, not to mention my excruciating social awkwardness. My birthday went okay, nothing really happened although that's typical in my birthdays. Usually x-mas is my big look forward to holiday and soon it won't be as I won't be living at home where all the presents are waiting for me. I don't care that I don't get gifts or anything on my birthday mostly because I get to decide what kind of food we're having during the day. I love breakfest and I never have it usually because I'm lazy so I got my mom to make a huge breakfest for me and it was awesome. Other than my birthday I don't really have any news other than my...I guess clingyness towards Amanda...Lets roll with that.

Last night after I posted I was talking to Amanda over text for a short while. After my first message she said she was really in a bad mood and warned me not to talk to her. She's previously warned me that she gets into uber bitchy moods sometimes when bad shit goes down. I figured that it was awesome she had warned me, this means she probably wants me on her good side (and in her good slide OOOOOOHHHH, am I clever or what?). This is obviously in the past so I'm over analyzing it as usual so right now I'm thinking that...hmm, maybe she wanted me to ask about the problem and maybe wanted consoling from me. I don't know. Basically the conversation went like this, gimme your ideas:

"Hey" - "Don't talk I'm in a bad mood" - "Oh okay, thanks for keeping me on your good side :)" - "Yeah, Katt isn't talking to me" - "Ah, I'll shut up then but I'll text you tomorrow on my b-day :)"


Right after she said that Katt wasn't talking to her, my kind of gut nice guy response was to be all "Oh that sucks, how about I talk to you?", but I gave it a second thought. If she's in a bad mood and she gets really bitchy she's probably right to warn me away. Now I usually like to think I can get people in a good mood with my humor although an angry person doesn't provide the best comedic fodder for me. Another reason I didn't try was because of my previous experience with my ex, she never liked any kind of humor during a "serious" discussion, in other words, any tiny little bullshit problem. I figure when a girl refers to herself as being in a bitchy mood its a good thing to run away before you're caught in the torrent of shit that's sure to be flinging around. A lack of faith in the ole' romantic comedy way of courting might have had a bit to do with it too. I didn't want to be that funny friend that eventually hooks up with them after they realize that, "oh my god my best friend could possibly be a good fit for my douchebag ravaged vagina".

Now that I think about it again...Katt isn't talking to her...Katt hates me...I might be going to see a movie with Amanda, the kids and maybe Katt. Could I possibly have something to do with this? Or is that just ego, penis ego that is, he likes to feel like he's special. If I am the problem then I feel awesome, mostly because it would mean Amanda just picked my side in a feud with her best friend. SUCK IT DARTH BITCH VADER (see last post). If she's not going to see a movie with Katt, maybe the whole thing with the kids will fall out. Then maybe I can hang out with her alone! Oh god I hope that's it. Should have thought of that when I had my cake and my wish to blow on something. My wish was close to that, but better. Anyways, even if the kids are still on, then at least I'm not competing with Katt for Amanda's attention. Of course all of this doesn't even have to be about me which means that I still have to make the trench run with no back up.

So yeah. She wished me happy birthday today which made me smile, over text no less, the only person to do so. Everyone else just uses facebook and a lot of my close friends didn't even bother, sigh. Oh well they're hanging out with me for two days, that's consolation enough. I think I might text Amanda now about the movie tomorrow, hopefully its still on, and hopefully its not still on. I don't really care, I just need to see her...mostly because I want to kiss her. I can pull that off in public right? Wish me luck and say Happy Birthday...assholes.

Not the dating type.

To some people this might sound awesome, to others, and by others I mean the majority, this will sound really fucked up. See, I haven't gone out on a date with someone unless I've already done them. How sad is that? I have to bend someone over for them to go out with me. In fact, my ex didn't even accept my asking for a date for the longest time even though I was doing her. Amanda seems good to go after one though, so I'm happy about that.

I was talking with her today, saying I'm excited about my birthday (tomorrow) and I mentioned that we should hang out the next day, 'cause I've got family shit on my actual b-day. Anyways, it seems that the kids want to go to the movies with her...I know what you're thinking, and no, she is not a single mom, that's something I'm not quite ready for. Basically she's got these kids, Summer, Owen, Justin, and Sawyer (Oh yeah, I memorized that shit, it never hurts to know the people closest to her), she seems to have some kind of aunt/older sister thing going with them (she's not related I think, I guess they're just friends? I didn't really ask for a back story). The movie is actually something I wanted to see and I really really want to see Amanda, to the point where I no longer give a shit if we're not there alone or not.

The second (or I guess third if you count the public-ness) is that apparently Katt might be coming along for the show. I've already mentioned that Katt seems very protective of Amanda, honestly I'm harmless. I don't plan on giving her a black eye (unless its with my dong, and then that'd be an accident...a hilarious accident). Oh, did I forget to mention that the kids are protective as well, which I would assume, they're kids and if I'm trying to take away their "big sister" figure they'll probably not like me too much. This "date" as I'm calling it seems more and more like a suicide mission. I guess I could compare it to the Death Star run. My Darth Vader is Katt, her wingmen would be the kids, and my objective is to launch my proton torpedo into Amanda's thermal exhaust port. I just need a Han and Chewie to save me before I'm blown out of the sky...

In other news, my oldest (known the longest) friend Nick is going through a bit of a stump as well with the ladies. Basically, he's going through the routine I went through long ago with my ex. This is bad, I'm trying to tell him to not go down the path I went down. Honestly I felt really hurt (cue sad emo music now) mostly because of how I was treated for a long time. As he describes the situation to me I keep telling him how similar it all is. Now him and I are very much alike (the reason we're friends) so I'm trying to make him understand that he's fighting a losing battle, I couldn't do it and I asked everybody I knew or felt close to about tips, hints, answers, anything! He asks me for information and I'm very happy for that, I can guide him into a different route, most likely a better one than I. The plan as of now is observation, she's been acting weird according to him. I said "Give it a week, if it doesn't change confront her". I think this is the best way to go, I only confronted my ex a few times and every single time was the same, "I need more time". That's truly the only reason I feel hurt by her, I was treated unfairly, and I don't want that to happen to Nick. I don't want him to end up hating one of his friends who he seems to like.

Basically I'm steering him into an ultimatum. Date him, or just be friends and leave. It is the most confusing and frustrating thing to "be friends" with someone while they try to be close to you / manipulate you through sexual favors, then when you try to be close or try to start a relationship you're shut down at every possible moment. This is what's happening to Nick. I know whats going to happen and I feel a need to stop it for him now. I took one for the team with my ex (read: now she won't do that to someone else), but this other bitch probably doesn't know what it's going to do to one of my best friends, but I do. Luckily Nick has given himself a time limit, a time limit I must enforce for himself to start something with this girl. If he continues to be strung along until he gets home and doesn't get anything resembling a true relationship (i.e the girl admits to them being an item), then I must beat the living shit out of Nick and tell him it's not working and to give up before he's more hurt. I don't want him to waste as many years as I did on someone who isn't worth the pain.

My first "Sorry I missed a post" post

Well this was just gonna be a semi-daily thing anyways, but I find as soon as I start talking or when I've actually got something to talk about I end up rambling and when I think I've got a decent conclusion for the post its ended up being 5 paragraphs. If only I could crank that shit out for school, then I'd be getting straight A's. Well, the reason I didn't post yesterday was basically because when I realized I should have posted it was 2 am. My typical time to start a post is 6-6:30pm, right now its 7:30, mostly because I'm tired. Anyways...hmm, well I'm still at Calvin's house. I've been sneezing and dripping a lot (I'm allergic to cats somewhat, and he's got 4 of 'em). The good thing here is that they have a guest room with an actual bed, and its awesome. For those of you who don't know (all of you) my bed is 3 futon mattresses stacked on each other. Surprisingly comfortable once you get used to it, but not the best thing for your back.

What I was hoping for since I'm here was to hang out with Amanda, because its about 10 minutes closer than my house (not much but better than nothing). I asked her yesterday but she was hanging out with her best friend Katt. Now first things first, I'm not on good terms with Katt. My pursuits into Amanda nether regions have labeled me as an enemy to the gatekeeper of Amanda's vagina, which is apparently her best friend. To give you an idea, Amanda sometimes hands the phone off to Katt when she's driving so that she can text me still. During one of these exchanges she said that Amanda wasn't going to fuck me (Ha, suck it Gatekeeper), to which I replied as gentlemanly as possible that I was going to wreck her best friend so hard she wouldn't be able to walk. Over my dead body. - That can be arranged. [note: that was supposed to be sarcastic...or maybe not? I kind of forget my head at this moment.] - JUST FUCKING TRY IT!...So yeah, pretty sure Katt is not a big fan of my penis and I.

Sadly this meant I couldn't hang out with her yesterday, I've tried getting a hold of her today through MSN but she hasn't been online. I'd try to text her but fuck trying to get a signal. To get a signal here I have had to build a tower out of shoes, an old CD drive and copious amounts of luck and will just to get one bar. This is of course immediately destroyed when my phone vibrates and is knocked out of the single position that grants it access to the wonderful world of texting. The last time I bothered trying to text people at this godforsaken place I ended up losing half of my outgoing texts and missed most of my incoming texts. I'm being forced into a shitty game of broken telephone where one asshole kid is purposely saying I'm a huge idiot to the last kid, just so he has to say it out loud to the whole class. Again, screw building a useless tower of signal just to be fucked over by the cell phone gods.

Tomorrow I get to go home, although it'll be later in the night which means I might be updating later again. The good news is I guess I get to hand out some more resumes and hopefully get a motherfucking job. I really need the money soon to stem the boredom...also, college. I'm out.