I hate.
I can't make decisions.
I envy, I get jealous, I'm selfish.
He looks like he has everything, he makes it out to seem like he has nothing.
I understand...I hope.
I want my best friend more than I want a girl. This is true. I just wish my best friend could see he has the resources to get most girls. He doesn't believe in himself. It's frustrating to say the least. I rarely seem to get the chance to talk to the girl, let along get a girl by herself. I have no money, I have no car, I have no job, to myself I have no looks, and I've even started to doubt my humor, the one thing I've valued my entire life. He's got a car, a job (therefore money if he learned how to manage it), girls typically seem to like him, he's just fucking oblivious, and he's got humor.
I haven't been kissed in 9 months. Why does this bother me so? It didn't bother me before, now it does.
I haven't had a real date in...hmm..maybe a year and a half?
Oh sure, I've had sex. I've fallen into it, every single time. It just happens, I get lucky with it sometimes. Those times are few and far between. I rarely...rarely get a date, or even the courage to ask someone out. I barely talk to girls. Even when I was scatter shotting on the dating site I never got a reply back, never a message. That's why these moments and these time lines are important to me.
From my perspective, he could improve his dating easily, he has the means with which to carry on a successful date at least. I'm at the point in life where I can't just ask a girl over to a movie after school because we're 15 and there is nothing to do. I'm supposed to be taking girls to fun places and shit. Shit I can't afford or take them to.
Is this random babbling? This blog is cathartic, sorry if I hurt you with the last post, I didn't want to write a soft core porn novel. I'm just trying to put what happened on solid (digitally) paper.
I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning since I read your post. Some of me really wants to just say fuck it, and most of me says what the fuck, you need him. I'm at internal conflict with myself.
I'm in the wrong. You've called dibs. But christ...ugh...I can't even say it, it's just impossible. Nothing is going to change. My lust fights a fruitless battle.
Why do I want to cry now? What would I even be crying over? Why am I a girl?
I haven't cried since...shit...it's been a while now hasn't it. Well I better keep the streak going then.
There will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important, there will be other girls, your best friend is more important.
But she leans into me, she cuddles me, she wants me.
No, she doesn't, she hates you for all you know. She comes over to stare at you with those eyes, licks her lips with hatred, she is hating you to death.
Bros before Hoes.
Girls' shouldn't be able to do this. This is how fucking wars are started. This is ridiculous. How did this happen? It happened the same way with Cadie, it seemed like she was showing interest. Yes but she showed perceived interest in both of us, either she wants both of us, a threesome, or its a code cadie. But even cadie hasn't done the shit she's done. Well then fuck.
Bros before Hoes
and also with you.
I think I'm going insane. It's too early, I think I see the sun coming up. She's coming over. It will be a normal evening, and then I will never talk to her again I guess... what the fuck. This isn't a solution.
People need to make decisions, to be adults, we're older now. You're just not asking because you're afraid you won't get the answer you want. If everything doesn't go off without a hitch then I can't make a decision, it has to go perfect. I can't handle things. Life is hard. I don't understand. There will be other girls, your best friend is more important. Bros before hoes and also with you. amen.
I hope this all works out. I can't go back to that place.
Tuesday 27 December 2011
Sexual Frustration and the Bro Code
The door closes.
I breathe I sigh of relief. He's gone, there is a girl here. I'm pretty sure she wants my dick in or around her mouth.
I ask about the movie she wanted to bring over before, she came over on a whim and I thought she might have the foresight to bring it. She didn't; I decide to download it. In the meantime we'll play her video game that she left here last time.
I put the game in and sit down, she snuggles closely to me, leaning her head on my chest. I smell her hair, kiss her head.
"Not to sound creepy, but your hair smells nice"
"Thanks -looks up and smiles at me-"
I play the game. I ask her if she wants a turn, she takes it for a little bit and hands it back stating just mainly just likes to watch. Whatever. She snuggles in more, rubs my arm.
Inner Monologue: Is this wrong? I don't know. He said it was okay.
I notice the movie is done downloading, we start the movie. I lean more into the couch both to provide more slack to my pants and get my head closer to hers. The first bit is going good, we somehow find a way to get closer together. My inner voices quiet down, mutters about feelings and such, I know this isn't anything, right now it's lust, pure and simple. I make a joke about what's happening on the screen, I've seen the movie before. She looks up at me, smiles, looks down to my lips.
This is it. This is the kiss. Once the first step is done then I'm in the clear.
She closes her eyes, leans in ever so slightly.
You go 90, they go 10. It's the wrong order but I'll take it.
I start to lean in, voices boom louder, yelling, my feelings are still fighting on the battlefield. But the enemy's gate is down, and that's what really matters.
I can feel her breath on my lips when I hear the knocking. I knew I should have texted him. I should have told him to fuck off, that tonight was the fucking night where this dry spell finally goes away.
We both pull back, the moment is gone. A flashback from the night I got fired races back into my head as I stand up. This moment has played out before.
-flashback-
Calvin urges Natalie to come outside for a smoke, Brendyn is almost out the door. Natalie passes him a smoke and says she doesn't want one. They leave and the steps go outside. I hear their voices from the open window. Natalie looks at me.
"Finally they're gone." She smiles.
Christ, it's those eyes. They're so similar...fuck, no, I can't. I lick my lips, they're dry from alcohol, she licks hers. Oh fuck, oh fuck no, I can't do this. Bro code. The voices yell and scream "He fucked it up, your chance is now, take it!". I almost do, I lean forward ever so slightly and immediately pull out, I play it off as my drunken stupor even though right now I have never been more focused. She leans into me and puts her head on my shoulder. Motherfucker, why? Why couldn't this have happened when Calvin was cool with this, I asked you out forever ago, but now he's in love with you because you slept in his bed. You should have been sleeping in mine that night, Christ. This whole situation is fucked. I stop my arm involuntarily going over her as they both come back into the room. Calvin sits back down, puts his arm over her, hover handing it oblivious to what just happened in my head. I feel content in my drinking as I pound another test tube.
-end flashback-
I open the door, Brendyn is peering through the eye piece. For some reason I feel like snarling, it works for cats and dogs it should work for this, I stop myself. He takes a few steps in, sees Natalie.
"Oh you guys are busy I should leave"
Natalie and I look at each other, I look back to Brendyn. Everything, every single fiber of my being screams at me to tell Brendyn that yes, you should go and fuck yourself. But...I can't, I can't do this. I say "nah come in", even I can tell I'm saying it with false enthusiasm. He walks in, dumps his shit and starts yelling about what movie we're watching, for the next hour or so, it is nothing but fart jokes and loud obnoxious noises. I've never thought Brendyn to be this annoying, not only that, but this oblivious, take a hint and leave. Whenever he mentions he has to go, we both pipe up that he should do that now, or that he should go. Natalie took a particularly zealous stance on Brendyn leaving, which I thought was both nice and mean at the same time.
Finally, after being a constant nuisance he leaves.
We look at each other, thankful that he's gone. I hate and love myself again. This is weird play for my confidence. We play the video game again, the movie being long over and long ruined. Brendyn is not one to have around for a scary movie. She lies on me, her head almost in my crotch, my jeans block the erection from slapping her in the face. I giggle slightly.
I hear a buzzing. Shit, my dad is texting me.
I ask her to hand me my phone, not wanting her face to leave my crotch. I check my phone.
"Be there in 15"
Fuck me, Fuck Brendyn, Fuck my Dad, Fuck Calvin, Fuck everything about this. I can fuck everyone but Natalie can't I? God damn it.
I tell her I have to leave soon, she moans in agony.
"Whyyyyy?"
"I have to visit my family for christmas."
"Well we should set something up for after christmas."
"I should be back the 28th"
"Okay -smile- we can watch my other scary movies together."
I don't care what you just said Natalie, you're coming back, I'll be alone, everyone should be out of the house, finally no interruptions. Just pure simple lust and pleasure. Except no.
This battlefield is scarred, this battlefield is war torn and bodies litter the craters. The final bridge to be crossed is rigged to explode. I can't cross it, a small part of me wants to, lust is a fickle thing, but everything else wants that bridge to hold. I can't do it. I want to, but I can't. I've been thinking about it this whole time, the entire visit has been nothing but "I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th, I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th". We've been texting each other back and forth, asking about holidays, confirming the plans for the 28th. Everything is set to go.
Now word has come in from command that I am forbidden from what I've been desiring. I have to take that command, despite what I may want, I have to take it.
I breathe I sigh of relief. He's gone, there is a girl here. I'm pretty sure she wants my dick in or around her mouth.
I ask about the movie she wanted to bring over before, she came over on a whim and I thought she might have the foresight to bring it. She didn't; I decide to download it. In the meantime we'll play her video game that she left here last time.
I put the game in and sit down, she snuggles closely to me, leaning her head on my chest. I smell her hair, kiss her head.
"Not to sound creepy, but your hair smells nice"
"Thanks -looks up and smiles at me-"
I play the game. I ask her if she wants a turn, she takes it for a little bit and hands it back stating just mainly just likes to watch. Whatever. She snuggles in more, rubs my arm.
Inner Monologue: Is this wrong? I don't know. He said it was okay.
I notice the movie is done downloading, we start the movie. I lean more into the couch both to provide more slack to my pants and get my head closer to hers. The first bit is going good, we somehow find a way to get closer together. My inner voices quiet down, mutters about feelings and such, I know this isn't anything, right now it's lust, pure and simple. I make a joke about what's happening on the screen, I've seen the movie before. She looks up at me, smiles, looks down to my lips.
This is it. This is the kiss. Once the first step is done then I'm in the clear.
She closes her eyes, leans in ever so slightly.
You go 90, they go 10. It's the wrong order but I'll take it.
I start to lean in, voices boom louder, yelling, my feelings are still fighting on the battlefield. But the enemy's gate is down, and that's what really matters.
I can feel her breath on my lips when I hear the knocking. I knew I should have texted him. I should have told him to fuck off, that tonight was the fucking night where this dry spell finally goes away.
We both pull back, the moment is gone. A flashback from the night I got fired races back into my head as I stand up. This moment has played out before.
-flashback-
Calvin urges Natalie to come outside for a smoke, Brendyn is almost out the door. Natalie passes him a smoke and says she doesn't want one. They leave and the steps go outside. I hear their voices from the open window. Natalie looks at me.
"Finally they're gone." She smiles.
Christ, it's those eyes. They're so similar...fuck, no, I can't. I lick my lips, they're dry from alcohol, she licks hers. Oh fuck, oh fuck no, I can't do this. Bro code. The voices yell and scream "He fucked it up, your chance is now, take it!". I almost do, I lean forward ever so slightly and immediately pull out, I play it off as my drunken stupor even though right now I have never been more focused. She leans into me and puts her head on my shoulder. Motherfucker, why? Why couldn't this have happened when Calvin was cool with this, I asked you out forever ago, but now he's in love with you because you slept in his bed. You should have been sleeping in mine that night, Christ. This whole situation is fucked. I stop my arm involuntarily going over her as they both come back into the room. Calvin sits back down, puts his arm over her, hover handing it oblivious to what just happened in my head. I feel content in my drinking as I pound another test tube.
-end flashback-
I open the door, Brendyn is peering through the eye piece. For some reason I feel like snarling, it works for cats and dogs it should work for this, I stop myself. He takes a few steps in, sees Natalie.
"Oh you guys are busy I should leave"
Natalie and I look at each other, I look back to Brendyn. Everything, every single fiber of my being screams at me to tell Brendyn that yes, you should go and fuck yourself. But...I can't, I can't do this. I say "nah come in", even I can tell I'm saying it with false enthusiasm. He walks in, dumps his shit and starts yelling about what movie we're watching, for the next hour or so, it is nothing but fart jokes and loud obnoxious noises. I've never thought Brendyn to be this annoying, not only that, but this oblivious, take a hint and leave. Whenever he mentions he has to go, we both pipe up that he should do that now, or that he should go. Natalie took a particularly zealous stance on Brendyn leaving, which I thought was both nice and mean at the same time.
Finally, after being a constant nuisance he leaves.
We look at each other, thankful that he's gone. I hate and love myself again. This is weird play for my confidence. We play the video game again, the movie being long over and long ruined. Brendyn is not one to have around for a scary movie. She lies on me, her head almost in my crotch, my jeans block the erection from slapping her in the face. I giggle slightly.
I hear a buzzing. Shit, my dad is texting me.
I ask her to hand me my phone, not wanting her face to leave my crotch. I check my phone.
"Be there in 15"
Fuck me, Fuck Brendyn, Fuck my Dad, Fuck Calvin, Fuck everything about this. I can fuck everyone but Natalie can't I? God damn it.
I tell her I have to leave soon, she moans in agony.
"Whyyyyy?"
"I have to visit my family for christmas."
"Well we should set something up for after christmas."
"I should be back the 28th"
"Okay -smile- we can watch my other scary movies together."
I don't care what you just said Natalie, you're coming back, I'll be alone, everyone should be out of the house, finally no interruptions. Just pure simple lust and pleasure. Except no.
This battlefield is scarred, this battlefield is war torn and bodies litter the craters. The final bridge to be crossed is rigged to explode. I can't cross it, a small part of me wants to, lust is a fickle thing, but everything else wants that bridge to hold. I can't do it. I want to, but I can't. I've been thinking about it this whole time, the entire visit has been nothing but "I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th, I can't wait to bang Natalie on the 28th". We've been texting each other back and forth, asking about holidays, confirming the plans for the 28th. Everything is set to go.
Now word has come in from command that I am forbidden from what I've been desiring. I have to take that command, despite what I may want, I have to take it.
Friday 23 December 2011
Dude there's two posts, I just figured this one shouldn't be with the other one.
Jerry I have to talk to you about something. I think I've become attracted to Elaine.
Fuck my life, I was going to talk to you about this today. Then stupid ass Brendyn walked in.
We now officially both have a crush on the same girl, I don't know how the fuck it happened. I tried to stop this shit, it's against bro code.
I don't know how to just drop it, you're floundering about with your feelings towards her, one minute you want her, the other you want to forget. How do I deal with that. Should I tell you to pursue something that may or may not be there, because it seems like she acts like that towards both of us.
Maybe we have a code Cadie, she's just a flirty hoe. Could that be it? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Argh, I need to talk to you in person, I can't just put it all out here.
I almost kissed her last night and I fucking stopped my drunk self. I needed to talk to you before anything. I need to know how you feel, because I'm not going to betray your trust again. I value that shit, I'm your best friend, you're my best friend. I feel like I'm typing out a drunk heart to heart, yet I'm sober...weird.
I'm used to developing hard and fast crushes and I figured this was going to end up happening, I actually tried my best to stop this from developing, but fuck, I envy your previous invincibility to stuff like this. Seriously we need to talk, Bros before Hoes. I'll do whatever you need done. I just need to know how you feel so I know what to do. I'm sorry, I feel like I've already just caused a third betrayal in your mind and that fucking scares me because I need you...no homo.
Fuck my life, I was going to talk to you about this today. Then stupid ass Brendyn walked in.
We now officially both have a crush on the same girl, I don't know how the fuck it happened. I tried to stop this shit, it's against bro code.
I don't know how to just drop it, you're floundering about with your feelings towards her, one minute you want her, the other you want to forget. How do I deal with that. Should I tell you to pursue something that may or may not be there, because it seems like she acts like that towards both of us.
Maybe we have a code Cadie, she's just a flirty hoe. Could that be it? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Argh, I need to talk to you in person, I can't just put it all out here.
I almost kissed her last night and I fucking stopped my drunk self. I needed to talk to you before anything. I need to know how you feel, because I'm not going to betray your trust again. I value that shit, I'm your best friend, you're my best friend. I feel like I'm typing out a drunk heart to heart, yet I'm sober...weird.
I'm used to developing hard and fast crushes and I figured this was going to end up happening, I actually tried my best to stop this from developing, but fuck, I envy your previous invincibility to stuff like this. Seriously we need to talk, Bros before Hoes. I'll do whatever you need done. I just need to know how you feel so I know what to do. I'm sorry, I feel like I've already just caused a third betrayal in your mind and that fucking scares me because I need you...no homo.
Lets see if I can't catch everybody up here.
First things first, the job. Yeah, I had a job. "Had" being the key word here.
The Interview:
I walk in, smile and nod. I say hello, did you get a chance to look at my resume? Oh you didn't, I give a look of desperate dejection, he seems solemn. I think I'm in. He brings me to the back office. It is very cluttered and unorganized, I know he doesn't have his shit together, he's new to this just as I'm new to this. He tells me to sit down as he sits in his $20 dollar office chair that strains to hold it's own weight. I look around confused, there are no other chairs in sight, I flip over a sturdy looking box and sit on that. I can feel my knees strain as I try to put more weight on them than the box. He quickly looks over my resume, enough to look like he's reading it, but not enough to make it believable. I know I'm pretty much hired already, they're a new store, he's a new boss, and I'm the optimistic kid who walked into his store on opening day and asked if they were hiring. I followed up, I was friendly, it's perfect.
He clicks his mouse, I glance over at his computer. It's a script. This is good, this is officially practice for both of us, he doesn't know what he's doing and neither do I. He asks a few questions, I stumble through, I make something up about having to help customers at Canadian Tire. I don't mention the fact I have never worked a cash register in my life or that I never dealt with customers. He talks about shifts with me, I tell him that I'll be going to school so I will probably be working evening shifts (i.e 7 to 12). He seems cool with that. Okay, I think this is going good. He tells me about other people he's had, talks about him shelling out money for training and then them just ditching him. At first I think why would those people do that, that's a dick move; I'll realize later its the right move. He continues on. He mentions unpaid training. I nod my head, I could do that for a bit, I need to train anyway, I've never done this. I however know that unpaid training is most definitely wrong. Either way I need the job so whatever. I'm hired, he says to come Friday night at 6pm.
The First Night:
I walk in, take the headphones out of my ears and walk up to him. He asks me where I've been, he knows he told me to come at 4pm. He seems mad. Well fuck you, I'm here on time, tell me what to do. He brings me to the back. I sit down at the computer as he sets up the training, it's just like Canadian Tire. Do some computer learning stuff and then go do your job. I take my time, I legitimately don't know any of this stuff, and these final tests require basically 100%. He comes in 10 minutes later: are you done yet? ...No? Okay okay, but go faster.
I stifle anger. I anger quickly I notice. I continue, moving faster, skimming more, retaining less. I fail the final test a few times and then finally get it. I'm visibly frustrated already, the voices in my head are yelling at me because I couldn't answer the simple questions and that I'm not moving fast enough. I blow through the next one, it's WHMIS, I've done it a million times by now. 60% try again. I clench and unclench my fists. He comes in again: Done yet? I check the clock, it's been 5 minutes since the last visit. No, I'm still on this one.
He sits down next to me, he brings out his new laptop and begins to surf the web. Clearly he wants me out so I don't notice his random bullshit. He talks to me about inane shit, I try my best to carry a conversation and keep in good humor. Sadly he doesn't understand sarcasm so I think I've made him sort of angry. Great. I try to read the training sessions and go faster. He keeps talking, I can't think, the voices in my head get louder.
There is a knock at the door. It's his brother, they get to talking, my boss mentions I'm going to be a doctor; I just happened to mention that during the interview. They ask me about that, I feel obligated to explain and respond, I'm multitasking that with the learning, I fail another test. A nervous tick appears, I spin my wrist to try and crack it because the mouse is ever so slightly too high. I focus on the pain, the voices boom in my head.
Finally they leave, he says to hurry and he'll be back to check in soon. Everything goes quiet. Peace. I read the training, I do the exams, 100%. I breathe. He comes back, asks how I'm doing I say I'm done. He asks what took so long. I don't answer and follow him to the cash, his sister will be training me. He leaves. I shut my eyes and breathe a bit. I already want to go home. His sister treats me well, allows me to learn the machine first, I quickly understand the keys and how to handle everything. A few pieces here and there that rarely come up I still have trouble with but I manage. She has been taking care of the Customer Service area, she chats up the customer while I handle cash. I enjoy this.
She asks a customer "Is this your first time?". It's a male customer, I look at him, he looks at me, we both look back to his friend who is waiting for him. We all share an understanding, subtle smiles all around. He responds in a normal way and they leave snickering. The store is empty, I remember the awkward moments of stifled laughter with Calvin and burst into laughter. She asks me whats wrong, I try to explain how her innocent comment could be and was taken in a dirty sense. She looks disgusted with herself, their grasp of English seems limited, maybe that's why the sarcasm bounces off.
The store is dead, most of my training shift is taken up with talking to her. She's nice, shy, smart. She's into the liberal arts, wants to be a teacher. I discuss school and friendships with her. The clock hits 11pm and I walk home.
The Second Night:
I start walking, the shift was fun, I could see doing this more. I walk into the store, she's there again. I smile, we work for a bit, store's still dead and we get to talking most of the time again. A man walks in, I saw him before, he's supposed to be working here as well. He asks about his training shift and I say he can take mine cause fuck it I know what I'm doing. I walk home after 2 hours of work, happy to be out of there.
The Day Shifts:They tell me to come in the morning, to see how I handle a busy shift. Okay I guess, I told them I could only work the evening shifts but it's training what do I care. I stay for an hour with the boss. I ask for some clarifications on some of the transactions. He flips out and asks why I don't know how to do a specific thing. I stifle the urge. I make up an excuse to leave, say my dad needs me in Napanee and that he's at my apartment. I leave.
I walk the next day for another morning shift, I give my excuse early this time. My mom is meeting me for something we planned and I completely forgot about it, I can only stay for a little bit. He seems a little pissed but not furious. I stay for a little bit, a black guy with dirty dreads and fucked up teeth shows up. He mumbles something at me, something about being here for a thing. I look at the boss. I have no idea what he's talking about. The boss tells me to handle it, I ask the dude what he needs, he points at a blue folder on the table. I give it to him, double check with the boss to make sure. "He's not gonna bite man", I know that, I'm not racist. It's your business, handle the business why don't you. Do you trust the training guy who's been here about 3 days to handle something I assume is important.
The black guy leaves with the folder. 5 seconds later the boss yells at me. WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO I FORGOT THE BLUE SLIPS! I run outside and catch up with the guy, he comes back and the boss gives him the stuff. I nod at the black guy and he nods at me as he leaves. The boss belittles me a little more and I take this as my moment to leave. He tells me I should come back later that evening to train some more. I say sure because his sister will be working that shift, at least she's fucking peaceful. The walk home ends up with me homeless ranting, yelling in the street, I take the back alleys to avoid being seen or heard.
The Evening Shift:
I come back. I talk to the sister about the boss, she seems to empathize with me she mentions that the boss is going to be giving me mostly nights shifts during the week. I freak out, I remember clearly telling him I can't do that, I have school soon and that he can't expect me to work that. I make it through the shift, learning more about the pleasantries of customer service. I fume a bit inside my heads, the voices steadily growing into a rumble of noise. I make it to the end, the night shift guy comes in. He seems very...inbred. I say hi, he mumbles a bit. Okay whatever, he's night shift, why do I care. I walk home yelling and screaming to system to whole way.
The Next Morning
I receive a call from the boss. He asks if I'm stealing from him. "What?". Next he tells me to come in that night, okay fine. I'm fuming, why the fuck would I steal. I come in that night. I stand behind the cash, I'm very clearly visibly angry. I don't like being accused of something I didn't do. He calls me into his office while his sister takes the cash. He asks me whats wrong, I tell him that this whole unpaid training thing is getting to me, I know that the franchise is supposed to be paying our training wages, I know that you can't even have unpaid training, I know that he's making an ass load of money. I know all of these things, I just want to be paid for the hours I'm working. Not only that but I'm not enjoying being treated like I don't know shit and being accused of stealing shit. I tell him all of this. He responds, "Fine, I'll pay you the training hours, but you're not working here anymore". Fine, fuck this, fuck you, you treat your employees like shit anyway. You were bitching to me about how the night shift guy wants overtime, you bragged about how your workers will still work the holidays even if you don't give them holiday pay, you accused me of stealing from you. SO GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THE BIGGEST PINEAPPLE YOU CAN FIND.
We discuss the hours I worked, I embellish my hours by a bit. He can't touch me, he knows he's in the wrong, I'm essentially blackmailing him. I end up with a little over 150 bucks (he took off some money for pants he bought me as part of the uniform). It's not a lot, but it should be enough to save us this month. For right now, that's all that counts. It's all I care about.
-Dismiss Authority, Know You're Right, Acquire Cash.
The Interview:
I walk in, smile and nod. I say hello, did you get a chance to look at my resume? Oh you didn't, I give a look of desperate dejection, he seems solemn. I think I'm in. He brings me to the back office. It is very cluttered and unorganized, I know he doesn't have his shit together, he's new to this just as I'm new to this. He tells me to sit down as he sits in his $20 dollar office chair that strains to hold it's own weight. I look around confused, there are no other chairs in sight, I flip over a sturdy looking box and sit on that. I can feel my knees strain as I try to put more weight on them than the box. He quickly looks over my resume, enough to look like he's reading it, but not enough to make it believable. I know I'm pretty much hired already, they're a new store, he's a new boss, and I'm the optimistic kid who walked into his store on opening day and asked if they were hiring. I followed up, I was friendly, it's perfect.
He clicks his mouse, I glance over at his computer. It's a script. This is good, this is officially practice for both of us, he doesn't know what he's doing and neither do I. He asks a few questions, I stumble through, I make something up about having to help customers at Canadian Tire. I don't mention the fact I have never worked a cash register in my life or that I never dealt with customers. He talks about shifts with me, I tell him that I'll be going to school so I will probably be working evening shifts (i.e 7 to 12). He seems cool with that. Okay, I think this is going good. He tells me about other people he's had, talks about him shelling out money for training and then them just ditching him. At first I think why would those people do that, that's a dick move; I'll realize later its the right move. He continues on. He mentions unpaid training. I nod my head, I could do that for a bit, I need to train anyway, I've never done this. I however know that unpaid training is most definitely wrong. Either way I need the job so whatever. I'm hired, he says to come Friday night at 6pm.
The First Night:
I walk in, take the headphones out of my ears and walk up to him. He asks me where I've been, he knows he told me to come at 4pm. He seems mad. Well fuck you, I'm here on time, tell me what to do. He brings me to the back. I sit down at the computer as he sets up the training, it's just like Canadian Tire. Do some computer learning stuff and then go do your job. I take my time, I legitimately don't know any of this stuff, and these final tests require basically 100%. He comes in 10 minutes later: are you done yet? ...No? Okay okay, but go faster.
I stifle anger. I anger quickly I notice. I continue, moving faster, skimming more, retaining less. I fail the final test a few times and then finally get it. I'm visibly frustrated already, the voices in my head are yelling at me because I couldn't answer the simple questions and that I'm not moving fast enough. I blow through the next one, it's WHMIS, I've done it a million times by now. 60% try again. I clench and unclench my fists. He comes in again: Done yet? I check the clock, it's been 5 minutes since the last visit. No, I'm still on this one.
He sits down next to me, he brings out his new laptop and begins to surf the web. Clearly he wants me out so I don't notice his random bullshit. He talks to me about inane shit, I try my best to carry a conversation and keep in good humor. Sadly he doesn't understand sarcasm so I think I've made him sort of angry. Great. I try to read the training sessions and go faster. He keeps talking, I can't think, the voices in my head get louder.
There is a knock at the door. It's his brother, they get to talking, my boss mentions I'm going to be a doctor; I just happened to mention that during the interview. They ask me about that, I feel obligated to explain and respond, I'm multitasking that with the learning, I fail another test. A nervous tick appears, I spin my wrist to try and crack it because the mouse is ever so slightly too high. I focus on the pain, the voices boom in my head.
Finally they leave, he says to hurry and he'll be back to check in soon. Everything goes quiet. Peace. I read the training, I do the exams, 100%. I breathe. He comes back, asks how I'm doing I say I'm done. He asks what took so long. I don't answer and follow him to the cash, his sister will be training me. He leaves. I shut my eyes and breathe a bit. I already want to go home. His sister treats me well, allows me to learn the machine first, I quickly understand the keys and how to handle everything. A few pieces here and there that rarely come up I still have trouble with but I manage. She has been taking care of the Customer Service area, she chats up the customer while I handle cash. I enjoy this.
She asks a customer "Is this your first time?". It's a male customer, I look at him, he looks at me, we both look back to his friend who is waiting for him. We all share an understanding, subtle smiles all around. He responds in a normal way and they leave snickering. The store is empty, I remember the awkward moments of stifled laughter with Calvin and burst into laughter. She asks me whats wrong, I try to explain how her innocent comment could be and was taken in a dirty sense. She looks disgusted with herself, their grasp of English seems limited, maybe that's why the sarcasm bounces off.
The store is dead, most of my training shift is taken up with talking to her. She's nice, shy, smart. She's into the liberal arts, wants to be a teacher. I discuss school and friendships with her. The clock hits 11pm and I walk home.
The Second Night:
I start walking, the shift was fun, I could see doing this more. I walk into the store, she's there again. I smile, we work for a bit, store's still dead and we get to talking most of the time again. A man walks in, I saw him before, he's supposed to be working here as well. He asks about his training shift and I say he can take mine cause fuck it I know what I'm doing. I walk home after 2 hours of work, happy to be out of there.
The Day Shifts:They tell me to come in the morning, to see how I handle a busy shift. Okay I guess, I told them I could only work the evening shifts but it's training what do I care. I stay for an hour with the boss. I ask for some clarifications on some of the transactions. He flips out and asks why I don't know how to do a specific thing. I stifle the urge. I make up an excuse to leave, say my dad needs me in Napanee and that he's at my apartment. I leave.
I walk the next day for another morning shift, I give my excuse early this time. My mom is meeting me for something we planned and I completely forgot about it, I can only stay for a little bit. He seems a little pissed but not furious. I stay for a little bit, a black guy with dirty dreads and fucked up teeth shows up. He mumbles something at me, something about being here for a thing. I look at the boss. I have no idea what he's talking about. The boss tells me to handle it, I ask the dude what he needs, he points at a blue folder on the table. I give it to him, double check with the boss to make sure. "He's not gonna bite man", I know that, I'm not racist. It's your business, handle the business why don't you. Do you trust the training guy who's been here about 3 days to handle something I assume is important.
The black guy leaves with the folder. 5 seconds later the boss yells at me. WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO I FORGOT THE BLUE SLIPS! I run outside and catch up with the guy, he comes back and the boss gives him the stuff. I nod at the black guy and he nods at me as he leaves. The boss belittles me a little more and I take this as my moment to leave. He tells me I should come back later that evening to train some more. I say sure because his sister will be working that shift, at least she's fucking peaceful. The walk home ends up with me homeless ranting, yelling in the street, I take the back alleys to avoid being seen or heard.
The Evening Shift:
I come back. I talk to the sister about the boss, she seems to empathize with me she mentions that the boss is going to be giving me mostly nights shifts during the week. I freak out, I remember clearly telling him I can't do that, I have school soon and that he can't expect me to work that. I make it through the shift, learning more about the pleasantries of customer service. I fume a bit inside my heads, the voices steadily growing into a rumble of noise. I make it to the end, the night shift guy comes in. He seems very...inbred. I say hi, he mumbles a bit. Okay whatever, he's night shift, why do I care. I walk home yelling and screaming to system to whole way.
The Next Morning
I receive a call from the boss. He asks if I'm stealing from him. "What?". Next he tells me to come in that night, okay fine. I'm fuming, why the fuck would I steal. I come in that night. I stand behind the cash, I'm very clearly visibly angry. I don't like being accused of something I didn't do. He calls me into his office while his sister takes the cash. He asks me whats wrong, I tell him that this whole unpaid training thing is getting to me, I know that the franchise is supposed to be paying our training wages, I know that you can't even have unpaid training, I know that he's making an ass load of money. I know all of these things, I just want to be paid for the hours I'm working. Not only that but I'm not enjoying being treated like I don't know shit and being accused of stealing shit. I tell him all of this. He responds, "Fine, I'll pay you the training hours, but you're not working here anymore". Fine, fuck this, fuck you, you treat your employees like shit anyway. You were bitching to me about how the night shift guy wants overtime, you bragged about how your workers will still work the holidays even if you don't give them holiday pay, you accused me of stealing from you. SO GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THE BIGGEST PINEAPPLE YOU CAN FIND.
We discuss the hours I worked, I embellish my hours by a bit. He can't touch me, he knows he's in the wrong, I'm essentially blackmailing him. I end up with a little over 150 bucks (he took off some money for pants he bought me as part of the uniform). It's not a lot, but it should be enough to save us this month. For right now, that's all that counts. It's all I care about.
-Dismiss Authority, Know You're Right, Acquire Cash.
Saturday 10 December 2011
Well, I need to practise writing more.
I'm deciding I need to spruce up my writing style a bit more. This is just a reminder to myself. My favourite post is "Dawn of the First Day" so much happened, I remember that day very vividly right now. It's that snarky assholish inner voice that I stifle from the outside world that belongs here. My pessimism and hatred belong here, along with a few logs of my progress towards weight loss because that actually matters to me. I think I should be trying to do this shit every day/night again. I have enough golden moments a day that I could probably do important posts every other day at least. Usually I've got something on my plate to entertain me or some kind of observation with which I could impersonate Jerry Seinfeld with.
What's the deal with the people in lines at Giant Tiger? They must be on crack or something. ...Oh, they are? Sorry.
What's the deal with the people in lines at Giant Tiger? They must be on crack or something. ...Oh, they are? Sorry.
Issues.
Fuck. Fucking fuck fuck fuck.
Why am I eating? Why can't I stop? Can I be addicting to eating? Addicted to food?
Every time I tell myself that's the last binge and then a few hours later there I am again, stuffing my face full of shit...not literal shit, but junk food typically. I gotta stay away from this crap, that's what kills me every time. It's those snacks, I can't just have a snack, it has to be a meal. Even if I'm not hungry enough for a meal, I'll eat a meal sized portion. I don't understand.
I think what I'm going to do is wait for an auditory signal, i.e. my stomach rumbling, I get that a lot at school while I'm not eating. I'll take that as my cue to eat a meal, otherwise, I will be drinking water or diet coke. I'm sick of this, I'll be fine throughout the week typically, during school I eat a normal lunch and I'm fine, I get home, make a little something and I'm fine. Later in the night I feel hungry, not even super hungry, but it's there. So I'll eat, I'll eat a lot. It throws all the previous efforts to not eat right out the window. I can't lose weight if I constantly stuff my face, losing weight is 80% diet.
God, I really should lighten the mood. The good news today is that I might have a job soon. This new gas station just opened up about 3 blocks from us, I passed by it on Friday and asked if they're hiring and they are so today I handed in my shit and the owner/manager seemed to remember me, told me "to expect a call" afterward. I don't think this is wrongly placed hope, but if it is, fuck you god/super being. If I get a job, about 90% of my problems go away. Money issues, gone, boredom issues, gone, eating issues (typically caused by boredom), gone. The only other problem would be a girlfriend, and honestly it's not bothering me that much anymore. Even if it was I'm doing something about it. Fixing my hygiene, trying to lose weight through diet and exercise, trying to just be myself and be friendly/funny.
My only true problem right now is my self-confidence or self-esteem. I look down upon myself because I'm fat, lazy, and poor. A job fixes two of those, at least I wouldn't consider myself lazy with a job because I wouldn't be sitting on my ass all day avoiding doing homework. Let's hope the job works out and I can start actually having an income. In January my OSAP kicks in and I'll have some more money, not to mention my xmas money from my parents (it's money instead of gifts this year). Lets not get ahead of ourselves though, my parents are broke as shit so I'm not expecting much, and my OSAP is split between school and rent, I think I'll be coming out of it with 1000-1500 bucks though, so it gives me more time to find a job/work if nothing else.
Christ I ramble a lot. I don't think I've had a joke in these things for 3 posts, although I'm not sure I'm doing this to be entertaining anymore or if I even was in the first place. I think I started this as a way to bitch about my attempts at getting a soft fleshy thing in my bed, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it would now. I would still kill for some puss, but I actually think money and my education is more important... OH GOD I'M AN ADULT!
Why am I eating? Why can't I stop? Can I be addicting to eating? Addicted to food?
Every time I tell myself that's the last binge and then a few hours later there I am again, stuffing my face full of shit...not literal shit, but junk food typically. I gotta stay away from this crap, that's what kills me every time. It's those snacks, I can't just have a snack, it has to be a meal. Even if I'm not hungry enough for a meal, I'll eat a meal sized portion. I don't understand.
I think what I'm going to do is wait for an auditory signal, i.e. my stomach rumbling, I get that a lot at school while I'm not eating. I'll take that as my cue to eat a meal, otherwise, I will be drinking water or diet coke. I'm sick of this, I'll be fine throughout the week typically, during school I eat a normal lunch and I'm fine, I get home, make a little something and I'm fine. Later in the night I feel hungry, not even super hungry, but it's there. So I'll eat, I'll eat a lot. It throws all the previous efforts to not eat right out the window. I can't lose weight if I constantly stuff my face, losing weight is 80% diet.
God, I really should lighten the mood. The good news today is that I might have a job soon. This new gas station just opened up about 3 blocks from us, I passed by it on Friday and asked if they're hiring and they are so today I handed in my shit and the owner/manager seemed to remember me, told me "to expect a call" afterward. I don't think this is wrongly placed hope, but if it is, fuck you god/super being. If I get a job, about 90% of my problems go away. Money issues, gone, boredom issues, gone, eating issues (typically caused by boredom), gone. The only other problem would be a girlfriend, and honestly it's not bothering me that much anymore. Even if it was I'm doing something about it. Fixing my hygiene, trying to lose weight through diet and exercise, trying to just be myself and be friendly/funny.
My only true problem right now is my self-confidence or self-esteem. I look down upon myself because I'm fat, lazy, and poor. A job fixes two of those, at least I wouldn't consider myself lazy with a job because I wouldn't be sitting on my ass all day avoiding doing homework. Let's hope the job works out and I can start actually having an income. In January my OSAP kicks in and I'll have some more money, not to mention my xmas money from my parents (it's money instead of gifts this year). Lets not get ahead of ourselves though, my parents are broke as shit so I'm not expecting much, and my OSAP is split between school and rent, I think I'll be coming out of it with 1000-1500 bucks though, so it gives me more time to find a job/work if nothing else.
Christ I ramble a lot. I don't think I've had a joke in these things for 3 posts, although I'm not sure I'm doing this to be entertaining anymore or if I even was in the first place. I think I started this as a way to bitch about my attempts at getting a soft fleshy thing in my bed, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it would now. I would still kill for some puss, but I actually think money and my education is more important... OH GOD I'M AN ADULT!
Friday 9 December 2011
I wish I didn't miss that. But don't worry I don't...I think.
That feeling of closeness. That feeling of being loved. That feeling of togetherness.
I hate the feeling of loneliness.
I don't understand how to let go, I'm reminded my ex, I'm reminded of the good times. I know I don't want to be with her as friends or in a relationship for sure, but I miss the feeling of it. Of a relationship, that was the entire problem in the first place, I loved the idea of a relationship more than I loved her. Oh sure I was close to her, I loved her and everything, but the idea and the feeling of a relationship was more important to me; that's the reason the label bothered me so much. I realize now that I have to enjoy the person company, I have to be willing and to want to share my life with someone if I want a relationship.
Although right now, I'm enjoying being lonely. Being single does have it's perks for sure, I have all the free time in the world, no stupid drama about issues, and no woman to please or to wait on. Sure I miss the perks of cuddling and sex, but a warm bed with lots of blankets is probably the closest I can get to cuddling and my hand is getting pretty good at sex for sure. I guess I'm reminded of these issues when I see my ex or hear about other people relationships. Typically my only exposure to my ex is my own doing, because I enjoy my work with a camera more than the professionals, not to mention the idea that that is my dick being sucked is much more enjoyable. I remember those days through those videos and I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed them...mostly because I'm being blown but I enjoyed other parts I'm sure.
The question I keep going over in my head is do I delete them? For good. There's no going back if I delete them, I'm sure she's deleted them and even if she didn't, I don't think she's give them back. I think by deleting them, all the videos and pictures, that I could finally say I'm unattached and over it, but I just love my own porn so much. I wanted a collection of my girlfriends on tape, so far its basically 100%. By deleting this, I tarnish the collection no matter how perverted it may seem. Perhaps a collection is not a goal I should be trying to attain here.
Either way I'll decide to do something eventually. The point of this is to realize that I need to enjoy my own life, to collectively secure myself in my own being, before allowing another person into the mix. So far it's working out, I'm not obsessing over getting a girlfriend by any means, my daily girl talking and flirting (even if it's all for naught) are satisfied by my friend in my nursing program, we banter back and forth usually with sexual jokes and that causes enough brain chemistry to make me a well-rounded person. Not only that but I understand that it's not going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. Although I must say, my ego still takes a hit when she calls me her "best friend" or other such vile words, women are meant only to be masturbation aides correct?
So I'm back into working out, slowly but surely I'm working my way through a program, it's got set parameters and it's all body weight exercises that I can do in the apartment, so no early mornings or awkward gym moments. I'm trying to watch what I eat, I do pretty well right up until about 10pm, which is when I just start cramming food into my body for no reason. I don't understand it and I need to conquer it. I need to stop buying snack foods, they're the bane of my existence. My kryptonite. I'll sit and eat an entire bag of chips, a whole package of kit-kat bars, or some other terrible thing and then I feel like shit. What's fucked up about it is that I still end up eating about my maintenance level for calories... If I just cut out the snack/junk food binges in the night I'd be fine, I'd be down about 1000 Calories (or about 2 pounds a week). Basically I need more willpower.
The nail biting front is still a harsh battle, I make good headway and then I absent mindedly chew one nail; then I end up biting all the way down because "it's uneven" and then start chewing the others out of habit. I know I can break habits or at least I know I can create them. I did so with brushing my teeth just recently, every morning, every night. Not even a problem anymore. The other habits I have to develop are showering, cleaning up, and working out, 2 of which are coming along nicely. When I do my workout tomorrow it'll be the first week of exercising without missing a day :). I'm running/jogging to and from my buses to get some cardio in as well. I'll be running more after winter, or possibly during winter if I go to the YMCA, we're right by the track where I used to run when I lived here last so it'll be familiar territory.
I think that's it for now, I ranted before in the last post, and now I've legit updated. This is my log, this is for me to look at a year from now and see how far I'm gone/come, hopefully it's for the better. I'll do my best to make sure it is.
I hate the feeling of loneliness.
I don't understand how to let go, I'm reminded my ex, I'm reminded of the good times. I know I don't want to be with her as friends or in a relationship for sure, but I miss the feeling of it. Of a relationship, that was the entire problem in the first place, I loved the idea of a relationship more than I loved her. Oh sure I was close to her, I loved her and everything, but the idea and the feeling of a relationship was more important to me; that's the reason the label bothered me so much. I realize now that I have to enjoy the person company, I have to be willing and to want to share my life with someone if I want a relationship.
Although right now, I'm enjoying being lonely. Being single does have it's perks for sure, I have all the free time in the world, no stupid drama about issues, and no woman to please or to wait on. Sure I miss the perks of cuddling and sex, but a warm bed with lots of blankets is probably the closest I can get to cuddling and my hand is getting pretty good at sex for sure. I guess I'm reminded of these issues when I see my ex or hear about other people relationships. Typically my only exposure to my ex is my own doing, because I enjoy my work with a camera more than the professionals, not to mention the idea that that is my dick being sucked is much more enjoyable. I remember those days through those videos and I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed them...mostly because I'm being blown but I enjoyed other parts I'm sure.
The question I keep going over in my head is do I delete them? For good. There's no going back if I delete them, I'm sure she's deleted them and even if she didn't, I don't think she's give them back. I think by deleting them, all the videos and pictures, that I could finally say I'm unattached and over it, but I just love my own porn so much. I wanted a collection of my girlfriends on tape, so far its basically 100%. By deleting this, I tarnish the collection no matter how perverted it may seem. Perhaps a collection is not a goal I should be trying to attain here.
Either way I'll decide to do something eventually. The point of this is to realize that I need to enjoy my own life, to collectively secure myself in my own being, before allowing another person into the mix. So far it's working out, I'm not obsessing over getting a girlfriend by any means, my daily girl talking and flirting (even if it's all for naught) are satisfied by my friend in my nursing program, we banter back and forth usually with sexual jokes and that causes enough brain chemistry to make me a well-rounded person. Not only that but I understand that it's not going anywhere, at least not anytime soon. Although I must say, my ego still takes a hit when she calls me her "best friend" or other such vile words, women are meant only to be masturbation aides correct?
So I'm back into working out, slowly but surely I'm working my way through a program, it's got set parameters and it's all body weight exercises that I can do in the apartment, so no early mornings or awkward gym moments. I'm trying to watch what I eat, I do pretty well right up until about 10pm, which is when I just start cramming food into my body for no reason. I don't understand it and I need to conquer it. I need to stop buying snack foods, they're the bane of my existence. My kryptonite. I'll sit and eat an entire bag of chips, a whole package of kit-kat bars, or some other terrible thing and then I feel like shit. What's fucked up about it is that I still end up eating about my maintenance level for calories... If I just cut out the snack/junk food binges in the night I'd be fine, I'd be down about 1000 Calories (or about 2 pounds a week). Basically I need more willpower.
The nail biting front is still a harsh battle, I make good headway and then I absent mindedly chew one nail; then I end up biting all the way down because "it's uneven" and then start chewing the others out of habit. I know I can break habits or at least I know I can create them. I did so with brushing my teeth just recently, every morning, every night. Not even a problem anymore. The other habits I have to develop are showering, cleaning up, and working out, 2 of which are coming along nicely. When I do my workout tomorrow it'll be the first week of exercising without missing a day :). I'm running/jogging to and from my buses to get some cardio in as well. I'll be running more after winter, or possibly during winter if I go to the YMCA, we're right by the track where I used to run when I lived here last so it'll be familiar territory.
I think that's it for now, I ranted before in the last post, and now I've legit updated. This is my log, this is for me to look at a year from now and see how far I'm gone/come, hopefully it's for the better. I'll do my best to make sure it is.
Fuck everything about this.
Fucking piece of shit fucking asshole cunt hole dick wad BITCH.
Christ, I basically just lost 200 dollars because I fucking forgot to check the constantly changing deadline for my payment schedule. Apparently the work I did will not carry over and I will never be paid for it. This comes at possibly the worst time for this because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY WHATSOEVER AND IF I DON'T GET A JOB I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. So fuck.
Tomorrow I'm going to the corner store to talk to manager/owner and begging for a job because fuck tutoring anymore, did I mention I was tutoring, because its bullshit. Now obviously you're dealing with the people who are a bit slow in the head but holy fucking shit, some of the people just don't understand anything. And now they have the balls to not even show up to the class because "The teacher confuses me when she teaches, you're good at it" Listen bitch, you pay the teacher like 500$ to teach you something, I get 10 bucks an hour...well not anymore I don't, to tell you stuff you should have already learned and to answer some questions about it. They seem to think I'm a fucking god at chemistry, as a peer tutor I am technically supposed to be learning this stuff although with them so when they say to just keep going with the unit I say fuck that shit. We haven't done it yet, and I'm not being paid/not paid minimum wage to teach you absolutely new shit to your fucking dumbass brain while you complain you're not getting fucked by your 4 boyfriends enough.
Anyways, the other people I tutor are typically fine, its just really the two that are dumb, one is a complete princess bitch about it too, the other one is just dumb. So dumb that she's now pregnant, no it's not planned either and I don't think she's doing anything about it, good, awesome for you, enjoy the baby for the rest of your life idiot. The princess mentality one just won't shut up though; and she scapegoats everyone for distracting her or me being boring. Listen you whore, its fucking chemistry, and not the fun "let's blow stuff up" chemistry, its the "bonds and energy" type of chemistry. The smart one, or atleast the not as dumb/bitchy one is good, she's funny and nice, unless she's stuck on something in which case she becomes a bitch but she acknowledges it at least and apologizes.
BUT FUCK I JUST LOST $200, in all honesty I did not earn $200, I have been teaching them bullshit, but I still have to tutor them on Friday/Monday because the final, because I'm not just gonna ditch out on them because I'm not being paid and be a big douche about it. But holy fuck am I pissed.
I HATE THE PERSON WHO ORGANIZES THE TUTORING. She is just retarded. Honestly, terrible at her job, she doesn't give you tutees unless you fucking go to her and point blank say "I don't have enough tutess", she forces you to tutor some as a group (less money overall) and limits the amount of time you have per person, but then when you don't have enough people you can't reach the max hours (12) so its pointless. Meanwhile everyone in class bitches about the lack of tutors; tutors bitch about the lack of tutees; and whatsherwhore bitches about the lack of everything. Listen bitch, you have an entire stack of ready and waiting tutors and tutees, you just have to email them or something. You seem to always email people the most important updates about 2 days after it's important, not only that but you use a flawed system that no one else uses with which to update your tutors/tutees.
So I missed two payment period, a month's worth of shit which could have been $400 if the stupid whore gave me more tutors and if I calculated my hours better. I missed the last one due to a change in the schedule which she warned us THE FUCKING NIGHT OF THE CHANGE (i.e check the morning before coming to school which I don't do because I have to leave at 7:45 or you're fucked). She never responded back to my email asking about this pay period. Not only that but I guess the last one of the semester is also moved back an entire goddamn cunt gargling week because screw smart people. So I just got shafted out of around $200 bucks (probably a bit more). CHRIST. Fuck That.
I think I'm going to go to my grandparents this weekend and beg for some money as well, if they say no I'll explain this situation, maybe it'll lube up their wallets a bit so that I can make it through the next little bit. Let's hope it works out, I'm off school on the ...16th I think, I have a couple papers and 3 tests to get through, should be simple though. The break I have is 25 motherfucking days of nothingness unless I get a job though. Let's cross our fingers....better cross dicks too, just to be sure.
Christ, I basically just lost 200 dollars because I fucking forgot to check the constantly changing deadline for my payment schedule. Apparently the work I did will not carry over and I will never be paid for it. This comes at possibly the worst time for this because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY WHATSOEVER AND IF I DON'T GET A JOB I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE. So fuck.
Tomorrow I'm going to the corner store to talk to manager/owner and begging for a job because fuck tutoring anymore, did I mention I was tutoring, because its bullshit. Now obviously you're dealing with the people who are a bit slow in the head but holy fucking shit, some of the people just don't understand anything. And now they have the balls to not even show up to the class because "The teacher confuses me when she teaches, you're good at it" Listen bitch, you pay the teacher like 500$ to teach you something, I get 10 bucks an hour...well not anymore I don't, to tell you stuff you should have already learned and to answer some questions about it. They seem to think I'm a fucking god at chemistry, as a peer tutor I am technically supposed to be learning this stuff although with them so when they say to just keep going with the unit I say fuck that shit. We haven't done it yet, and I'm not being paid/not paid minimum wage to teach you absolutely new shit to your fucking dumbass brain while you complain you're not getting fucked by your 4 boyfriends enough.
Anyways, the other people I tutor are typically fine, its just really the two that are dumb, one is a complete princess bitch about it too, the other one is just dumb. So dumb that she's now pregnant, no it's not planned either and I don't think she's doing anything about it, good, awesome for you, enjoy the baby for the rest of your life idiot. The princess mentality one just won't shut up though; and she scapegoats everyone for distracting her or me being boring. Listen you whore, its fucking chemistry, and not the fun "let's blow stuff up" chemistry, its the "bonds and energy" type of chemistry. The smart one, or atleast the not as dumb/bitchy one is good, she's funny and nice, unless she's stuck on something in which case she becomes a bitch but she acknowledges it at least and apologizes.
BUT FUCK I JUST LOST $200, in all honesty I did not earn $200, I have been teaching them bullshit, but I still have to tutor them on Friday/Monday because the final, because I'm not just gonna ditch out on them because I'm not being paid and be a big douche about it. But holy fuck am I pissed.
I HATE THE PERSON WHO ORGANIZES THE TUTORING. She is just retarded. Honestly, terrible at her job, she doesn't give you tutees unless you fucking go to her and point blank say "I don't have enough tutess", she forces you to tutor some as a group (less money overall) and limits the amount of time you have per person, but then when you don't have enough people you can't reach the max hours (12) so its pointless. Meanwhile everyone in class bitches about the lack of tutors; tutors bitch about the lack of tutees; and whatsherwhore bitches about the lack of everything. Listen bitch, you have an entire stack of ready and waiting tutors and tutees, you just have to email them or something. You seem to always email people the most important updates about 2 days after it's important, not only that but you use a flawed system that no one else uses with which to update your tutors/tutees.
So I missed two payment period, a month's worth of shit which could have been $400 if the stupid whore gave me more tutors and if I calculated my hours better. I missed the last one due to a change in the schedule which she warned us THE FUCKING NIGHT OF THE CHANGE (i.e check the morning before coming to school which I don't do because I have to leave at 7:45 or you're fucked). She never responded back to my email asking about this pay period. Not only that but I guess the last one of the semester is also moved back an entire goddamn cunt gargling week because screw smart people. So I just got shafted out of around $200 bucks (probably a bit more). CHRIST. Fuck That.
I think I'm going to go to my grandparents this weekend and beg for some money as well, if they say no I'll explain this situation, maybe it'll lube up their wallets a bit so that I can make it through the next little bit. Let's hope it works out, I'm off school on the ...16th I think, I have a couple papers and 3 tests to get through, should be simple though. The break I have is 25 motherfucking days of nothingness unless I get a job though. Let's cross our fingers....better cross dicks too, just to be sure.
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