Do as I say, not as I do.

Well the "date" didn't go as well as I was hoping. When I'm around other people with the person I like/wanna do I seize up and become a shell of what I am when I'm alone with someone. This was previously mentioned the last time I was with Amanda when Calvin was also at my house; Of course that story had a happy ending. This one is a bit different.

See, first of all, she brought Katt, her vagina's guardian. Katt also doesn't like me, but her bark is a lot louder than her bite. We didn't really exchange words at all, in fact I barely said anything. Again, I seize up with other people when I'm around with my crush. I get worried about the judgments of my...I guess what I would call flirting. Not only that but the previous mentions of "we're going as just friends" kind of just cut off any forward momentum I would've had. I waited for them outside for a bit, worrying over whether or not I'd be stood up. Thankfully I wasn't but I got the message "just outside for a smoke". Now she's previously told me that she doesn't smoke but I know that Katt does I didn't see her smoke one though. I hope she wasn't lying to me because I really can't stand smokers. The fact that she didn't was a big plus for her but that might be down the drain now.

We ended up seeing that new Adam Sandler movie, I chose it because she likes Grown Ups as well so I knew it'd be more of the same with a rom-com twist. Overall it was an okay movie, typical rom-com with a few decent jokes. I tried to be as open as possible to the comedy (i.e laugh a lot more) because I figured there would be some groan worthy jokes in there. Surprisingly not as many as you'd think but it's Adam Sandler and I like his movies so yeah, this isn't a review blog, back to the whole thing. Basically Amanda and Katt sat huddled together talking, I didn't really know what to say if anything (we were in a movie) and I didn't exactly want to make any kind of move (the only one I knew being an arm over the shoulder) especially when its "just friends", we're in a crowded theater, and her best friend/pussy protector sitting right beside her.

Half way through the movie I stopped debating with myself over whether or not to make a move or to try and impress Amanda somehow. I talked about dating and being charming with my dad before and he basically gave me perfect advice, "You're not out there with people trying to impress them, you're just there to be yourself, the people who like you for you will stay and the assholes who don't won't. That's just how it works". I remembered this talk with him and decided to just let whatever happens happen. Especially with the leash of "just friends" looming over me. I figured that maybe when she's not as busy I'll see her more and if not, then fuck her there's always another one.

Now recently one of my friends got into a relationship after being single. I was talking to them about singleness because I was thinking of asking her out but at the same time I thought that we are just friends and the only time I'd do her would be drunk at a party by mistake, although I always mention I would fuck her in a second. When I was talking with her I mentioned that I was basically lonely and really wanted a relationship with anyone to which she replies "You should enjoy being single, it's better than you'd think" meanwhile she consistently bitches about being single, having no life, and generally being sad. Now, this is mostly just her being a dumb bitch because she is actually going to parties a lot of the time, going to bars (now that she's 19) and if not that then hanging out with friends. She has no reason to bitch. I found it hypocritical that she preached to me about how being single is good while she moaned about it to me and is now in a relationship with someone.

I honestly don't mind being single, at least not today. I'm kind of just accepting a whole "I don't need someone to make me happy" kind of mentality. Right now I'm just trying to lose weight and I keep telling myself I'm dieting, but as I look back on the day I realize I ate a shit ton more than I should of. Today I decided to really focus on not eating too much, at first I aimed at 2000 calories a day (the typical diet range according to nutritional info boxes) but now its mostly eat something small for breakfast, maybe something at lunch and then whatever dinner is while trying not to snack. I do workout as well but not as much as I'd like, mostly out of laziness. In fact I should be starting my 20-30 min workout in a half hour but I'll probably just lift my barbell a few times and do some push ups. I actually have a whole thing I've planned out that hit a lot of areas, but those two focus a lot on my arms so I'm fine with that. Ugh, I don't know what else to say. Sorry if this post kind of sucks (read: unfunny), not really in a writing mood today for some reason.

That light at the end of the tunnel is looking more and more like a train.

Seriously? God, why do you pick on me?

So yeah, I'll allow the texts to speak for themselves.

Amanda: "So here is the deal, if we go to movies it will be only as friends that is it cause I have a lot of shit going on right now and I can't handle anything else ATM I am sorry."

Me: "=/ ouch..."

*pause for a few minutes while I discuss what to do next with Calvin*

Me: "So what time is good for you?"

Amanda: "6:55, and why did you say ouch?"

*another long pause and discussion. At this point half of my brain has shut down. The crushes I develop do this to me, but I know Calvin can half assed-ly steer me while alarms and sirens go off in the control centers in my brain*

Me (Calvin): "I said ouch cause I'm kinda hurt, I really like you and I've been in this situation before and it sucked. I actually wanted to pursue a relationship with you."

Amanda: "I didn't say that, I said that I can't right now"


*Pause, sporadic flashes of light from firefights are seen in my eyes as the defense mechanisms try to keep my depression and anger from taking over and destroying any sense of happiness*


Me (Calvin): "I just don't want to be stuck in limbo where I think we're going to get together and then we just don't."

Amanda: "kk, well how about this, we can see other people and then we will figure stuff out at a later date, because I am in a crunch month for school"

*Pause, blood is being mopped up from the corridors of my brain. The defense seems to have everything under control, I retain some semblance of happiness towards the situation at hand*

Me and Calvin (Aside): What is wrong with people and commitment?

Me: "Not to sound like a whiny bitch, but that's even worse. How about we just wait until after this month to start dating more?"

As I write this I don't have a response to that. This makes me worried. I just retexted her a "?" she usually responds after that. Sigh. I hate waiting.

Anyways. I should've known this was a crunch month, Aren't college kids done in April or something? I dunno. She is usually busy and stuff...but come on right? Just a couple days here and there, I don't ask for a lot. Hmm...I only have a problem, with the whole "seeing other people" because I know I'm not going to do anyone, but shes in college and I'm assuming would party a lot and therefore be exposed to drunk idiots. Basically I don't want her to find someone else. I've pretty much put all my eggs in one basket on this mostly because I've tried all my other options, she's my last chance until college or until I find someone through work maybe? Ugh I don't know.

Right now I'm thinking of this...I don't know what to call it anymore, if we're going as "just friends" I guess I can't call it a date, and I guess I can't kiss her. Do I still have to pay for her, if its a date I assume I have to, I'll have money for both of us either way. Sigh I don't enjoy being sad. I ask you, random internet people, is this normal? If you've read my post about my ex, is that situation normal? Is this becoming more and more prevalent in the new (i.e my) generation? What happened to just dating a girl you liked rather than dating 5 people while still hooking up with random people at parties?

I don't like this whole, casual sex, or what Calvin would call the next "free love" movement. I hate hippies first of all, and I love the aspect of monogamy. You give your body (read: naughty bits) to the person you love, you don't just give your mind/heart to them, you can give that to everybody, I'd rather you not give them your heart as well, but it never hurts to have a couple awesome friends that you really share your thoughts with. Sigh. I don't know anymore, I really hope college will be better for both finding some people (girls) that are like me and single because doing this right now without really any social interaction outside of my close friends (guys) its impossible.

The good news for the day I guess is that I'm handing out resumes tomorrow and probably still seeing that movie with whats her bitch. Hopefully I'll get a job within the next week or two, I can't stay cooped up in my room for the next 6 months I'll go insane.

You've turned off your targeting computer!

Well...I guess my Han and Chewie came to save me but not in the way I was hoping. I didn't end up going to see the movie with Amanda today like I was hoping, instead I forgot that I was supposed to have a special dinner with the family. Even if I didn't have the dinner I couldn't have made it. Our car was basically running on fumes (Another point for poverty). I managed however to spin this into another date possibly. I said I'd make it up to her by taking her to the movies on Tuesday, "it was so pimp. I even offered to pay for it". However, she said she doesn't know what she's doing that day, so she might end up having to work which would suck, cause I really wanna do it in a movie theater.

See a lot of the problem with Amanda is that she barely knows whats she's doing day to day, so its one of those 'make plans the day of' type of deals. I really hate that, I enjoy looking forward to things and I like making plans for those things, makes me feel at ease. What's a good time to try and make plans anyways? I guess sometime around the beginning of lunch? Morning is too early, and afternoon/evening is where the other vultures will get to her/she'll be at home. So yeah, I guess at lunch on Tuesday is when I'll ask if we're still on for that night.

Guess that's it...hmm, short update.