Why do I bother?

I don't know why I bother with women sometimes anymore.

You are all messed up is what I've concluded, you just need to find the least broken one.

Internet died

This was written like the day after the last one, didn't post till now because the internet died while I typed it. May be writing more tonight, not sure, still working on stuff.

Currently out at parents this weekend as a focus weekend because of tons of nursing stuff.

anyways, heres that last post:
Today we had accreditors come into the school to analyze the program and see if it meets up the nursing standards. Seems to have gone well.

I don't know what I'm typing, this isn't what I want to say.

I feel trapped in my own head, with no one to escape with or to, no knowledge of the the exit is. I'm trapped, it's not necessarily a bad thing, I enjoy my own company; I'm just getting sick of myself. I want to share my ideas and personal thoughts with someone.

I want intimacy.

I also hate women, so that's a bad thing.

I don't hate women, I hate some women.

It's always the women who I end up chasing, I can't find a good one, not a good one that will talk with me.

I'm normally a good "reader" of people, but when it comes to women, I may as well be an English speaking blind man trying to read Chinese.

I think its a hack joke, but women, are just not understandable in any sense. They're either all underhanded liars and conspirators who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others. Or they all have no idea what they actually want in life and listen to the liars and conspirators of the male side who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others.

i.e women be gold-diggers and attention whores. They don't care about you, or me, or anyone but themselves.

Anyways. I'm getting to a point where I want to be an island. Solitude is bliss, I don't have to worry about shit. On the other hand, I would kill for one night of closeness with someone right now, someone I can trust and talk to, hold and lie next to. It's all I want, another human being to share life with, on a more personal level than friends.

So I fucked off on my doing for changing everything once again, but I have it semi-planned out, my organization is becoming stronger and I feel less overwhelmed, I did actually go to the library yesterday and did my Jarvis work so I'm happy about that.

Quick Procrastination for the greater good

Here is my problem.

I just want someone to want me back.

I feel like I have to hold all these strings together. I end up doing all the work trying to talk to one fucking person. I can't find a girl who wants to talk to me long enough to make me feel like a fucking human being.

I need a new word other than fucking. I should try to swear less specifically on these blogs posts.

I have a 6 page paper I should be writing, 10% though, not super bad. Seems straight forward enough. I can't think about it right now because my mind is being an invasive monster that keeps creeping forward with just general jealous and lonely feelings. I accept these. I'm used to it by now I guess. I didn't end up going out this weekend. 

my life is in shambles, i hate it

i want to see that counselor soon. I have an appointment on wednesday.

fuck. I mean a word that isn't a swear. 

New rule

If a girl doesn't say yes to me asking her out the first time or doesn't offer a reschedule she can go and fuck herself.

March 4th

I'm almost 21.

That is tomorrow.

I ended up fucking off on the whole write in this everyday. It's a lot harder than I thought trying to get stuff done.

I wrote a lot of what was coming up on my calender at home, helps my brain relax. I've changed my desktop to include a list of the upcoming assignments so I know what to expect.

I did end up going to the library a lot of the days, not every single one but most I would say. So one thing was accomplished.

I drank water some but supplemented Diet Coke for the caffeine when I needed to stay up till 3 am to write that 40% paper I talked about early (night before it was due).

I just did my presentation I was worried about, went better than I thought. I have another one on Thursday.

Clinical is tomorrow, just finished my care plan and pathocard so I feel somewhat prepared (as much as I am going to be prepared).

I am 21 tomorrow.
Officially an adult, even in Vegas.

I still feel like a teenager, but I'm changing, slowly, but its finally coming around I think.
90 day T-break from pot (June 3rd)
Work-out planning/schedule making is set for tomorrow after clinical; I may do some now while I'm in class

90 day goal for weight loss/fitness (pics will be taken at sis's house then, already marked on calender).
-will be restarting C25K
-will be YMCA in morning doing Stronglifts 5x5

I want to meditate
sitting in class, staring at asses. fucking yoga pants.