We found it. Finally. Calvin and I are the soon-to-be leasers of an apartment. Everything seems to have worked out pretty well so far. The other apartments I've looked at were pieces of shit comparatively. Not only does this have well sized rooms and a decent price, it's got an amazing location. Holy shit, I didn't think I'd find one but I did and I love it. It's within striking distance of everything we'd want to hit and even if it wasn't we've got free bus passes and Calvin's car. I can't wait to move in, I have to call our landlord type person on October 2nd to confirm the signing of a lease. I'll see if I can't bring my dad with me to read it over, although I think I'll be fine by myself though.
The logistics of this upcoming year are somewhat scarifying, we're going to be cutting it fucking close on all angles. Right now my parents owe me about $500 not including some things and Calvin, you owe me $910 (I took off an extra $50 bucks in gas money for the rides home and I haven't counted any food because that's what we've been doing since fucking grade 10). This basically means I've going to have about 3 months worth of rent...maybe... It also means I've spent $1000 on bullshit (it was 1500, but 500 of that was books which are kind of useful...I might return some). I don't enjoy knowing that I blew away about 1000 bucks in maybe a month. I know that when we're in the apartment I'm going to basically be paying for rent and maybe some food and that's about it. At least I'll lose some weight from the starvation.
The gist of this is that I need a job or a scheme of somehow pulling money from my ass. Let's all hope it works out, I'm going to see if I still can't get funding, I have to bitch slap the people at school for being the laziest and worst people to work with, I tell them I need something so that I can pay them and make it through school and they fuck off for a week and don't give me jack shit. On Monday I'll be having a talk with them and hopefully I can fucking get what I need and still be able to apply, if I can't I might be a bit screwed but I'll make it. Even if I can only afford rent and a sandwich I'll be happy to be back in Kingston.
Saturday 24 September 2011
Thursday 15 September 2011
You can only find someone by not looking.
It's cold. Typing is hard. I need to at least get some of this down.
After my last post I again realize the reason I picked this name. I'm desperate. So very desperate.
That needs to change.
I'm pretty sure now that whatsherface doesn't like me in the way that I like her. I'm not going subject myself to a long drawn out "eventually", that doesn't mean I'm going to self-exile, I'm just not going to purpose anything. Friends is fine, she's mostly nice.
This 2-3 day crush I've had makes me realize a few things:
Another point I've realized; I can't force a relationship. If a relationship isn't moving smoothly from one step to the next with participation by both partners then it's probably not worth it to pursue alone in the endeavor. By pushing a conversation a certain way or by raising the rate of sexual jokes by 40%, I'm only alienating the girl that is the target of my infatuation.
So basically, my girlfriend is my hand from now. No more crushes, no visualizing a girl as my girlfriend/sex toy. No more reading into things that women do, unless ever so obvious. No more discounting flaws that I know will bug me ("Holly Humor"). No more looking for my so called dream girl because I'm probably not going to find her by imagining that every hot chick will be her. You can only find someone by not looking. This was the advice given to me when I pleaded for advice on finding women. I guess it will now be my mantra.
After my last post I again realize the reason I picked this name. I'm desperate. So very desperate.
That needs to change.
I'm pretty sure now that whatsherface doesn't like me in the way that I like her. I'm not going subject myself to a long drawn out "eventually", that doesn't mean I'm going to self-exile, I'm just not going to purpose anything. Friends is fine, she's mostly nice.
This 2-3 day crush I've had makes me realize a few things:
- I get fast and hard crushes for no good reason; I knew this already but it hammers the point in after this.
- I will discount a girl's flaws if she seems remotely interested in me; this is where my desperation stems from, I knew whatsherface was not exactly ideal when I first started talking to her. Yet I continued with my crush fantasies drawing me closer to where I am now.
- I can't distinguish when a girl likes me; Are they being friendly? Do they like me? I have no fucking clue. I wish I did, just come out an say it.
- I have absolutely no idea who I'm looking for; I was thinking about it today after school. She seemed fine, nerdy and nice, kinda funny with a side of touchy feely. But she's seems fake nerdy or at least pretentious hipstery, she's mainly rude and mean to others for no reason; this is fine when people watching and cracking jokes, but I've slowly gotten into a rhythm of being nice to everyone and making fun of everyone at the same time. Her humor is somewhat lacking, it's what I call "Holly Humor", internet memes and references only. I watch a lot of comedy movies and television as well, not only that but experiences lead to even more fodder but everything out of her mouth is internet or scathing remarks it seems. Touchy Feely is fine...so long as it's only me, I learned from the Ex that I'm one of the most jealous people you'll ever meet, maybe not more than Kyle, but I'd be close.
Another point I've realized; I can't force a relationship. If a relationship isn't moving smoothly from one step to the next with participation by both partners then it's probably not worth it to pursue alone in the endeavor. By pushing a conversation a certain way or by raising the rate of sexual jokes by 40%, I'm only alienating the girl that is the target of my infatuation.
So basically, my girlfriend is my hand from now. No more crushes, no visualizing a girl as my girlfriend/sex toy. No more reading into things that women do, unless ever so obvious. No more discounting flaws that I know will bug me ("Holly Humor"). No more looking for my so called dream girl because I'm probably not going to find her by imagining that every hot chick will be her. You can only find someone by not looking. This was the advice given to me when I pleaded for advice on finding women. I guess it will now be my mantra.
Friday 9 September 2011
Fucking girls man, fucking girls and fucking crushes and fucking wierd heart feelings.
Finally I found her. I just added her to my friends 2 seconds ago. Man she's hot... Notification? She accepted? That was fast. Wall post? Already? FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
She's talking to me. But she just said hey. OH GOD THIS IS OUT IN PUBLIC! People can see me. I knew this would happen, she's too eccentric, too out there. No, this is a good thing, she totally wants my cock. OR DOES SHE?! Why have I suddenly lost all ability to talk to women. I was so smooth in class, and no I feel like I'm having a heart attack typing these replies out. I can change them on the fly, they have to be perfect. BUT NO, my gut does the thinking in class maybe I should just use the first thing on my mind. But it's not good enough. It's never good enough. I'll be stuck in this limbo of trying to be everything she wants. I don't know what she wants though, she seems like she can be played fairly easily... mostly because she's a nerd, nerd's just want other nerds...but what if I'm too nerdy? or not nerdy enough? FUCK FUCK FUCK, why can't I just shove her on a bed and do the physical escalation. At least I THINK I'm good at that, always seems to end in humping. ARGH SHE KEEPS RESPONDING AND MY BRAIN AND HEART CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY TO THAT!? JUST TELL ME YOU WANT MY SWEET COCK JUICES WOMAN! I UNDERSTAND THAT!
Oh god, I can't put the right inflection on texts, she better read that right. If she doesn't I'm even more fucked! Understand it's a joke, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for the sake of my penis understand that I'm trying to make you laugh. Let me hear your laughter, it's like nectar to me, sweet beautiful nectar. Okay man, that line was smooth...hopefully, I don't know if the flow was right. Oh god she didn't even mention the comment. She's with drunk people, wait she doesn't drink, which means she prolly isn't bending over for randoms too easily... I guess that's good, OH GOD I'M ALREADY JEALOUS! WHY AM I SHAKING AND SHIVERING AND SCREAMING IN MY HEAD
Oh score, thank you autocorrect for the suggestion of a fancy word, I bet she likes fancy words. Do you like fancy words? do you want to fuck fancy words? I'd fuck fancy words.
Fuck Fuck Fuck, I have to get out of this convo...I don't know how...I could just be going to sleep? On a friday night? at this hour? No...No that doesn't work. Maybe she'll just stop responding? But that's bad too, I need an engaging conversation, I just died on that last response, there's nothing of substance. nothing of value, nothing to respond to, I'm fucked, I'm fucked unless she comes up with something, anything really. I need to stop stressing so much. But christ, she seems ....for lack of a better word: decent.
Oh god, it's been 3 minutes, she's usually done in 1...hehehehe...giggity, but still, she's probably not responding to that. FUCK I knew it, why did I type that, why didn't I say something else? Motherfucker, maybe something will come up tomorrow? or monday? I have asked her out. I'm going to have to sit beside her on monday for Math, chat her up, joke around, then ask if she wants to go grab some food or coffee or sex in her dorm...oh right...she's in rez...we could...oh my god...Now I really want to do her.
Fuck.
She's talking to me. But she just said hey. OH GOD THIS IS OUT IN PUBLIC! People can see me. I knew this would happen, she's too eccentric, too out there. No, this is a good thing, she totally wants my cock. OR DOES SHE?! Why have I suddenly lost all ability to talk to women. I was so smooth in class, and no I feel like I'm having a heart attack typing these replies out. I can change them on the fly, they have to be perfect. BUT NO, my gut does the thinking in class maybe I should just use the first thing on my mind. But it's not good enough. It's never good enough. I'll be stuck in this limbo of trying to be everything she wants. I don't know what she wants though, she seems like she can be played fairly easily... mostly because she's a nerd, nerd's just want other nerds...but what if I'm too nerdy? or not nerdy enough? FUCK FUCK FUCK, why can't I just shove her on a bed and do the physical escalation. At least I THINK I'm good at that, always seems to end in humping. ARGH SHE KEEPS RESPONDING AND MY BRAIN AND HEART CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY TO THAT!? JUST TELL ME YOU WANT MY SWEET COCK JUICES WOMAN! I UNDERSTAND THAT!
Oh god, I can't put the right inflection on texts, she better read that right. If she doesn't I'm even more fucked! Understand it's a joke, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for the sake of my penis understand that I'm trying to make you laugh. Let me hear your laughter, it's like nectar to me, sweet beautiful nectar. Okay man, that line was smooth...hopefully, I don't know if the flow was right. Oh god she didn't even mention the comment. She's with drunk people, wait she doesn't drink, which means she prolly isn't bending over for randoms too easily... I guess that's good, OH GOD I'M ALREADY JEALOUS! WHY AM I SHAKING AND SHIVERING AND SCREAMING IN MY HEAD
Oh score, thank you autocorrect for the suggestion of a fancy word, I bet she likes fancy words. Do you like fancy words? do you want to fuck fancy words? I'd fuck fancy words.
Fuck Fuck Fuck, I have to get out of this convo...I don't know how...I could just be going to sleep? On a friday night? at this hour? No...No that doesn't work. Maybe she'll just stop responding? But that's bad too, I need an engaging conversation, I just died on that last response, there's nothing of substance. nothing of value, nothing to respond to, I'm fucked, I'm fucked unless she comes up with something, anything really. I need to stop stressing so much. But christ, she seems ....for lack of a better word: decent.
Oh god, it's been 3 minutes, she's usually done in 1...hehehehe...giggity, but still, she's probably not responding to that. FUCK I knew it, why did I type that, why didn't I say something else? Motherfucker, maybe something will come up tomorrow? or monday? I have asked her out. I'm going to have to sit beside her on monday for Math, chat her up, joke around, then ask if she wants to go grab some food or coffee or sex in her dorm...oh right...she's in rez...we could...oh my god...Now I really want to do her.
Fuck.
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