This hole keeps getting bigger. I wonder if it will ever end. Why am I holding on? The weakness and anguish I feel with every labored breath I take grows. I can't do this. I can't hold on. If I just fall, if I let go, maybe that will end the suffering.
A crisis of faith appears. I used to keep hope, buried deep inside. The only thing to keep me going. Yes people reading, I'm talking about girls. Christ, why do they hold so much sway with me? Is it normal for my metaphorical heart to be ripped out of my chest so easily?
Natalie walks back into my life, a new girl on the bus appears, a girl who seemingly loved me in highschool is talking to me again, and a girl is being introduced to me as a date. I am still lonely. Maybe it's the fact that Calvin is in his room with a girl who already fancies him. Maybe it's the constant conversations with Cadie about how much she's head over heads for her guy. Everyone is seemingly together with others, enjoying the touch, taste, and warmth they provide. That's what I want.
This is it. This is the moment that I'm going to ruin, I know I am. I'm already extrapolating every prospect that I have. I'm not sure about 2 of them, one is a super maybe, and I don't really want anything to do with the last unless its honestly a quick bang. Even then I'll hate myself, she's not all that attractive, there is a reason I never did her in high school.
The other problem? Every chick on the prospect list has major red flags, the two maybe's are the only ones who are subjective red flags. The bus girl in particular seems fine, but I think if I delve further into her past/personality it will show more unwelcome signs. Natalie is okay, she does have her issues. She reminds me of Madelaine in a way, which is a bad thing...I think, I miss Madelaine, I actually do, but I don't, I am completely lost again. I wish I knew how to deal with this.
The high school chick usually ends up talking to me after a break up, there is no difference here. She clearly wants something with me, I could probably get her over here right now if I wanted to. At the same time, honestly, I don't want to, I would lose respect for myself, Calvin would laugh me out of house and home...why is that a saying?
The date chick, she seems like the most reasonable. Mostly because we're both going into it knowing it's a date. We are being set up together, there is no fucking gray area. The situation is this: Wanna be together, GOOD NOW FUCK DAMN IT!
Anyways, Natalie is coming over on the weekend, I'm excited for no reason, I'm trying to stop. This hope that grows every time I'm near a girl is deadly. I might be going to 'study' with bus girl, at this point I don't know if she actually wants to study or if she wants a rebound (she's also recently broke up). I'm supposed to be set up with date chick soon, I'll be discussing it with Calvin's girl. I can call over High School chick whenever I want...If I get drunk soon I just might, because fuck it, I'll have an excuse then.
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