So I tried to talk to my ex today. She seemed excited to say the least. She misses her best friend, apparently she doesn't have anyone to talk to/with anymore and she misses having me there as that person to talk to. Well, I don't miss her as much as I thought I did. Not only that, but my feelings for her, my romantic feelings I should say, sprung up again; this has kind of got me in a funk and now I think I don't want to talk with her again. She's made it clear that it hurts her for me to not talk to her, but it hurts me to talk to her it seems, at least it reminds me of the pain I felt when I was with her/after the break up.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to message her and tell her I won't be talking to her again. I still have to think it over. Is this a serious problem, as in, a normal thing that normal people experience. Or is this something people typically overcome and get over, am I expected to be able to talk to my ex? Can I just cut people out of my life?
Talking with her reminded me of things I like and things I don't like. I think that the things I don't like outweigh the ones I do like, so I'm swaying to the side of never talking to her again. I shouldn't feel obligated to talk with her or feel the need to make her feel better about what she's done to me. It's not selfish to think like that either right? I'm looking out for myself, I want what is best for me. My role in life is to make sure I'm happy with myself and my life. I don't have to make other people happy. If talking with my ex makes me unhappy then therefore I shouldn't talk with my ex right?
I'm pretty sure the good things were only good in my mind, nostalgia and blowjobs are clouding my mind when it comes to the past. I remember being very sad/angry/hurt/bored during most if not all of the relationship though. I just don't know why it affects me so much to think about it. Most people's reactions to break ups seem like it just fazes over them and they never mention it again. Why do I seem to dwell and dwell and dwell. I need to get over it, I was over it, I am over it. But I'm not, not if I can't talk to her right? If I talk to her and romantic feelings come back, and with those feelings of jealously, then I'm not over it am I? I just can't seem to get it out my head.
I need to stop thinking, I need to live moment to moment in my life, no extrapolation, no introspection, no nothing, just reactions to stimuli in my environment in real time. Maybe then I'll stop my descent into insanity.
