I know a lot of my friends would say I'm addicted to Diet Coke. That's probably because I am. But I am because it serves a purpose to me. It limits my weight gain from drinking awesome tasting pop, it keeps me awake, and it allows my brain to have a crutch to lean on. It's a security blanket type thing I guess. Either way this is the time it comes in handy.
So I guess I should start with the most interesting thing in my life. My friends and I got fucking caught shoplifting by the fuzz...or to actually be correct, a team of private investigators working for the store.
See, my friends and I aren't that smart (in terms of common sense that is) and decided to ransack the same stores, at the same times, almost 4 weeks in a row. Cause you know, we're awesome criminal masterminds who are invincible, young and daring. For those of you interested this is how it worked: Calvin was the hands who would grab everything and drop it in the backpacks that myself and Steve were carrying. Steven was the main backpack, his being bigger and the fact that he was shorter made it less noticeable that Calvin dropped shit in there. My role was easy, stand there and block views in case people saw. I thought I was okay at it, I guess not.
We walked in, standard shit. Everyone went to our favourite aisle and we knew we weren't buying anything (all broke). We got to our aisle which had an unusually large amount of people in it, we kind of danced around and talked to kill time until it cleared up. I noticed an old balding man and a younger looking college kid walking together. They happened to cross our aisle maybe 3 times. I didn't think much of it at the time. Calvin juggles powerade bottles, I enjoy the thought that I showed him how to do it (juggle that is). The aisle is clear, he shoves the bottles into Steve's bag. I get closer to the other side of the aisle, I feel two packages of Kit-Kats slide into my bag, these make a distinct and loud noise. I think we're going to be caught. I wake to the edge of the aisle as Calvin is about to put more into Steve and I not so casually ask about Seinfeld (our unofficial warning signal). I make the mistake of mentioning the "Tippytoe" episode specifically. In retrospect I guess these are all omens of the coming times.
Anyways, we walk to a different aisle and I ask about buying chips. Less suspicious and I'm hungry for something other than chocolate for the 4th weekend in a row but no one has money. I notice the pair of guys again, maybe they looked at me, maybe they didn't, I had an uneasy feeling but attributed it to the fact that I was stealing. We started to walk out, Calvin walking a fair bit in front of us, Steven a bit behind me, not wanting to walk alone I wait for Steve to catch up and we walk out the door together. As we walk out we notice some guy trying to get out the "in" door of the store. (Side note: We'd seen many old people get trapped by this exact scenario and laugh our asses off but we figure we might as well stop and try to help, we're legitimately good guys, we just wanted free candy and mix). Anyways we half take a step towards him to help with the doors/tell him he's in the "in" doors when he busts free and grabs Steven. Steven instinctively recoils back (strange old man grabs you, you jump) and because of a flinch he's flipped and taken to the ground in which turns into a headlock. It's at this point I hear the words "You're under arrest!". At this point I contemplate running, I know the neighborhood and the shortcuts (I used to live near there), but I figure that Steve just got taken down hard, that young guy looks fast and running only hurts the charges that will be put against me. Plus why should I abandon my friend now, if I was in this situation alone I'd break down.
The cop and Steven struggle, Steve wants his glasses (he's pretty much completely blind without them) and the cop continues to yell about resisting. A teenager walks over and says that the cop is using a bit excessive force as a crowd gathers to watch. An idea appears in my head, I could elbow the manager and the young cop (both standing next to me doing nothing to secure me) and then possibly incapacitate the other cop to allow myself and Steve to run. I think better of it, maybe this young guy knows how to take a sucker punch. Either way, we're finally settled and taken through the store, I think to myself that I must look badass/like a scumbag being hauled through the store for shoplifting. I catch a glance at the hot cashier I was ogling earlier.
We're taken upstairs to an office. Steven and the older cop argue about identification and how he couldn't hear. He's visibly angry with us, I feel like I'm stoic, I mostly know I'm caught and I can't do anything but this is a first offense for a little bit of merchandise. He takes out the leaking bottles from Steve's back pack and un-cuffs him. The young cop checks my bag and grabs the Kit-Kats and tells me to grab the remaining stuff out of Steve's. I do as I'm told. The young cop tells us something about being caught and leads us into a bigger office. Steve and I take seats at a round table as the young cop continues to read us our rights and then fills out paperwork. I laugh to myself about the bizarreness of it all. I never expected to be caught (obviously). To calm myself down I ask whats the worst that can happen. The young cop says "What did you take? Some drinks and chocolate, it should be fine." Or something along those lines. This calms me down. I look to Steve who is looking at his shoes, he seems deep in thought or saddened, I could see both.
The older cop half yells at us. Saying we're lucky he's got the young guy doing the work because he's pissed. I laugh to myself (in my head because fuck da police). Cop drama tropes fill my head, Old Vet with the Young Gun; Good Cop, Bad Cop. I look at Steven and smile and he half smiles back. My coping mechanism to make myself and others laugh doesn't seem to make a good fit in this situation. The young cop asks about our friend (Calvin) and asks if he'd come back. I said I wouldn't expect him to come back "guns a-blazing" which I immediately regret.
"What did you say?"
"It was a joke..."
"Not the type of joke to be making now."
Yeah, I know, excuse me for being nervous Dickwad. Anyways, after giving them our information and Calvin's after a bit of a struggle (I try to protect my friends) they call the actual police to come and charge us because that's the law. I wait and listen to the radio, slowly identifying the songs and singing/dancing to myself. The older cops asks if I'm making light of the situation. I say I'm just trying to calm myself down (and also that he should go fuck himself with a cactus). Pretty sure he mutters something. The cop shows up, he's young. Steve and I look at each other knowing we're fucked now. We're being charged with shoplifting. The cop says "Oh, you're in the reserves (Steven)? They won't be too happy to hear about that." Does that sound like a threat to anyone else? Either way, we get our court date and shit and meet up with Calvin (Read his account at www.iwasnevergoodatnamingthings.blogspot.com) around the corner and tell him he needs to talk to the cop which he does.
When we're finally all free we drive to Steven's house, our previously illegally acquired booty still sitting in the back seat of the car. We sit down in this room. Go over the situation and our stories still reeling with adrenaline in our system. We take a few drinks, Calvin goes to bed and Steven and I end up staying up late playing Halo and watching comedy to calm ourselves down some more. Steven is visibly defeated by this whole ordeal but the comedy seems to have lightened him up and I try to cheer him up with my own jokes. The next night at his house we all get absolutely destroyed and drink the memories away at least for that moment of time.
Well...That's long. Fuck writing anymore, more diet coke, video games, and hockey please. I'll write life stuff later, I should have some other developments on this too (talking to lawyers Friday).
-Marz
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