Lean On Me

That must be nice, having someone to lean on; when you're going through life and the pressure or the problems just get a bit too much or you've been working on them too long you just want to take a load off. It's nice to have someone to kinda just hold you and relax you.

Ugh, I want to write. Everytime I feel sort of depressed I come back to this, which sucks because I'm legit happy a decent amount of the time too, I just always come here to talk to myself... yet again. It just feels like I'm talking to someone. Fuck me.

I'm having trouble thinking clearly

Well, I'm going to the YMCA now, I can notice a difference in my body comp and strength and all that. Now I just have to keep doing that, eating a decent amount, running, I should be good to go in a few months.

Either way, this post isn't about that. I'm having mental problems. I can't quite define how I feel.

My mind seems to contradict itself, constantly. I'll think one way, and then another the next second. I keep getting phases where I think I'm schizophrenic or something, I end up analyzing what I'm doing, trying to place symptoms. I'm pretty sure I'm normal, I just hope it isn't like the beginning stages and this is where I can save myself :/.

I would say I'm lonely, I think I'd say that. Not to anybody publicly, but just in general. The thing is though, I don't want to go out and hang with people, I'm tired all the time, or at least it feels like it. I think I'm spending too much time on the computer.

Fuck, this is a boring post. I want my laptop back. I want someone to talk to, I'm sick of thinking to myself. I'm lonely as shit. I want to be vulnerable to someone, without the fear of backlash or some kind of thing against my opening up.

I keep thinking it's going to get better. Honestly it has. Right now is probably temporary, but it keeps coming back. Just the lonely feeling, I do want to talk to someone, but not anyone in my circle that I've got. A new person, I want a girlfriend to confide in. I just hate the thought of being desperate, because I do want one terribly badly. Does having standards negate desperation, is desperation defined as not by how much you want a girlfriend and instead by your standards? Would that make "I'm just waiting for a girl I like" a decent excuse?

I don't know anymore.

July 17th

I think I've hit that point.

The point where I usually succumb to hunger and being fat and being lonely. That laziness, that overbearing feeling that I can't do anything.

Except this time, its not playing out the same way. I've got a voice in my head telling me I can do it, I know I can do it. Look at me, I'm doing it now.

The past couple days have been sort of a rut, I haven't done much despite there being tons to do. I've eaten over my max for calories I think 2 days in a row, which is putting me off my head game. I've got a run tomorrow, and I need to hit the ymca still, still. My laziness is fucking with me, I'm ready though, I want this, I need this, this is me.

Take what you picture to be the ideal, now, apply that to you. That's the perfect you, and everyday you should strive to get closer. It doesn't matter in what way you're improving, only that you try to achieve more than before. Better and better, evolution.

I know how vain it sounds, but most of my life and thought processes focus on how I am perceived by others, or at least my thoughts continue to focus on how I want people to see me. I want to be a sight in the room, people will notice. I want to be the good looking person in the room, the fit one, that everyone is jealous of. Vain I know, but it's what drives me forward.

I need to hurdle this point

Past this point is the life I deserve, the life I strive to acquire, the life I will earn through hard work and perseverance.

This change won't come quickly, I know that, I must remember that. It won't come quickly, but it will sure as hell come. I will make sure of that.