July 17th

I think I've hit that point.

The point where I usually succumb to hunger and being fat and being lonely. That laziness, that overbearing feeling that I can't do anything.

Except this time, its not playing out the same way. I've got a voice in my head telling me I can do it, I know I can do it. Look at me, I'm doing it now.

The past couple days have been sort of a rut, I haven't done much despite there being tons to do. I've eaten over my max for calories I think 2 days in a row, which is putting me off my head game. I've got a run tomorrow, and I need to hit the ymca still, still. My laziness is fucking with me, I'm ready though, I want this, I need this, this is me.

Take what you picture to be the ideal, now, apply that to you. That's the perfect you, and everyday you should strive to get closer. It doesn't matter in what way you're improving, only that you try to achieve more than before. Better and better, evolution.

I know how vain it sounds, but most of my life and thought processes focus on how I am perceived by others, or at least my thoughts continue to focus on how I want people to see me. I want to be a sight in the room, people will notice. I want to be the good looking person in the room, the fit one, that everyone is jealous of. Vain I know, but it's what drives me forward.

I need to hurdle this point

Past this point is the life I deserve, the life I strive to acquire, the life I will earn through hard work and perseverance.

This change won't come quickly, I know that, I must remember that. It won't come quickly, but it will sure as hell come. I will make sure of that.

Depression Post

So...

I haven't felt like this in awhile. It sucks. It...it just...its not a good mood, I was happier earlier today, just today. I guess a series of events just kicked me into what I'm in now, tomorrow I get to find out if I have to kill myself or not. That's awesome.

I need to go to the gym, I need to lose weight faster, I'm lonely, my best friend never seems to talk to me. I'm a constant third wheel, I am that guy now. This isn't who I want.

Ugh though, fuck women, sometimes it just isn't god damn worth it. I just want somebody to love, its hard to type that without singing in my head. Which sucks because its exactly what I want, I want somebody to love, oh I need somebody to love. Vietnam plays in my head.

Anyways, I just wanted to rant, but I can't even say the stuff I want because the off chance someone will read this again. I can't trust you anymore.