long essay of life
standard depressing dribble
So; it's happening again. I'm not sure if I may have a mild case of the S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) but I seemed depressed, or atleast overly angry/sad for seemingly no reason last winter too.
At least this time I have a reason for sadness in a way, I've gained back all the weight I lost which is really ticking me off. Not only that but I am having major trouble controlling myself when it comes to food, I am spending much money on food that serves me no purpose but to extend my waistline and misery.
See, my brain is making an excuse right now, I can identify it.
I am 'stuck' in town usually, often times without thinking to bring a lunch and I most often choose to eat at a fast food place or basically anywhere for food. I also end up buying way too much for a normal person thinking I will continue being hungry if I don't. I then have trouble throwing food away when I do get too much; the "finish your plate" problem.
I tried to hit a grocery store for making a single sandwich or something lighter the other day only to realize you can't really but enough things for one sandwich without getting enough crap for 20 more and I don't carry a fridge with me so I dropped the idea and when to a fast food place again.
Today I went to get fish and chips, not 30 minutes later I was in a Mcdonalds; no I don't know why. My mind was a battlefield of thoughts, warring with myself is not fun nor do I enjoy the thought of who won the battle.
This past week (11 days according to my workout logs) have been fruitless in endevours to workout, nothing (although I attribute that to watching over my sister's place over the weekend, which ended with me eating 2 pizzas (one shared), two orders of chicken balls, bagel bites, and chips. Not only that but I could've done some exercise I and chose to not go or do any type of bodyweight workouts. If I really wanted this I would work harder for it.
My nuclear option to myself is to try intermittent fasting; I am going to go with a 20-4 fasting period, choosing to eat only during the hours between 18:00 - 22:00. Basically this limits me to eating what my mom chooses to make for dinner on any given night. It also works out that the superbowl is during this time period because my brain threw on a red alert thinking I would not be able to eat nachos and stuff. Again this is basically a bad thought; I feel trapped by food.
I know that I should think of food as fuel, but I can't help but continue eating only because "it tastes good". This is how I got here in the first place and the only way to change anything is to change that. I've lost weight before, 40 pounds of the fucking shit; I was stuck at the plateau of 220 forever, I maintained it for a good 4-6 months (can't quite remember, but the feeling of frustration of not dropping lower bothered me for a long time). Now I'm back to 260 and I fear of going higher if I can't rein in my habits.
Weights and stuff
Anyways; my workouts are good; excluding the past 11 days (I did workout yesterday and made it the first thing I did when I got home; I enjoyed being back in my weight shed.). I think I will slightly alter my workouts to a 3set, 10-12 reps, instead of my current stronglifts 5x5 routine. I don't know why but I think it'll be good. I can atleast try it. I dropped my weights down by 10 for my 11 days missed (meaning 4 workouts straight) but I'm putting them back to normal for next time and planning to increase by 20 through those (using a straight progression 5 each workout).
I biked yesterday for a long time (seemingly, couldn't calc it because the damn bike computer batteries fall out as I pedal) as well as when playing NHL with my dad and watching It's Always Sunny xmas episode. I cleaned my room as well and got the heater in there so it is no longer an Ice fortress.
I plan to workout weights for the next 4 days after thursday when I am home. (tonight is dodgeball, and am staying at my sis' house, I will do squats and stretches there instead of my standard workout). I will pack gym clothes to stuff in my locker so I am able to workout in town. I have a water bottle now instead of constantly buying diet coke, but I still buy too much diet coke. My money is flowing through my hands only to be spent on stuff that flows through my body.
How is school? "good..."
Actually it is getting better, most likely because I have a much less hectic schedule which will be changing next year, but I'm hoping to be ready by then. I'm basically procrastinating on my essay which I planned to be writing / outlining right now but I chose this for my mental health (I have an appointment with school counselors for Feb 10th the earliest they could get me in).
When I am in town I do the readings for my classes (at least some of them - better than nothing). I've consistently done the readings for my professionalism class and was writing my clincal chemistry notes before class (although I now print them and makes notes on them in class during lecture). I did reading for the class I'm repeating, as well as gathering groups for my other classes. I am paying more attention in class as well; although I do not know how that will translate to tests.
I am finding myself to be more proactive and/or open when I am with the 1st years. Maybe I'm not afraid to be judged based on past interactions with them (since I have none).
I did the presentation for my group in one class after no one had come up with anything but I felt good that I did something worthwhile and my teacher seemed happy with it. We have another presentation worth marks this time and I am hoping to have group participation for that one.
I am currently not working on an essay for that class due in 8 days. Planning on writing / outlining tomorrow morning, some of the weekend, and most of Monday. I also have my elective test on monday which I will study for that day (nutrition; which I sort of already knew dispite not applying it to my life).
random crap and bitching about women/people/society
So my last few dreams (that I've written down and tried to remember) have contained a specific person; and this is a running theme after going back through my dream journal. My ex keeps appearing. I don't know if this holds any significance but the last dream was vivid and full of emotions and junk. Since then I've fallen back to my rut of over-thinking people and their relationships and I guess in a word; my jealousy of them.
Today at the Mcdonalds, had a couple beside me talking about them meeting, their texts before getting together, marriage, and all that crap. My friends in nursing keep talking marriage and continue to show me pictures of rings or dresses or bullshit, or never stop with the word "boyfriend" who one of them drops at any moment she wants.
There is one girl in 1st year who looks like a good prospect and another one that I was looking at but I'm not feeling vibes anymore. dunno what to do.
Montreal trip is coming up soon (end of feb/beginning of march) and I'm hoping to be drunk and have fun with strippers, good looking ones. I've also taken a habit of drinking by myself to drunkenness for the sake of it which is not something I've ever really done. Although I don't actively seek out booze for this purpose. I did this the other day with my leftovers from the weekend of which I drank alone 2 nights (to play COD to, and I am surprisingly better up till a point) friday I drank with the guys. I'm out now but thats fine. I'm happy that we're not drinking this weekend because it seemed like someone wanted to plan something but I wasn't feeling it. Yesterday I drank the remaining of my black rum and woke with a hangover which ended by the time I got to school, played company of heroes and watched comedy news shows. Good times.
So next post, which I hope I feel the need to write, is planned for tomorrow; I think imma rant and talk about drugs, drug wars, thoughts, and society in general, I may also post a picture because word walls aren't interesting.
-Anon
