August Tracking

I made a spreadsheet with a chart to track (essentially the same chart used in this other post: http://www.kratosguide.com/16-habits-you-should-do-every-day/) the various things I'm trying to accomplish.

Honestly it seems to already be helping. I'm just a few days in and I've seen more green show up, I need to incorporate my foam rolling, language tapes and become a more serious student before school starts. I'm hoping to continue using this charting system through school and well as hoping it will help to show me how my habits are doing and keep me on the straight and narrow. So far its greatly increased my habits regarding exercise and general hygiene that I lacked as well as reminded me to take my vitamins and meditate and read on a more regular basis.

This post is the first green on the "Journal/Blog" of my daily habit list. Even if its a shitty post I'm proud its here. I'll post a picture of Bruno the new cat once I get my new phone which will probably be during the next school semester. 28 days till school starts and I'm honestly exciting and happily waiting. That opinion will most likely change as it draws closer but I'm excited to learn the new shit :D

Goodbye Jorge

Jorge is dead. I am burying him tomorrow. I miss him.

Its hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I've been fine with past cats we've owned. I guess the difference was this was my cat. I actually had a connection with Jorge, especially when we came up to Napanee, he followed me around and would curl up beside me. I miss him.

I was hoping to have a partner to come up to in Napanee, even if it was just a cat. After seeing him following me last week I knew it was good. Now hes gone, taken away. Once again, nothing has been gained and I continue to push through life seemingly alone.

I miss him. I loved him.

k, I can't type more. Just know I love you Jorge; I'm sorry I couldn't be a better owner, I'm sorry you died so suddenly and that I wasn't able to be here with you when you went. I should have taken you back to Kingston last week.

Why do I bother?

I don't know why I bother with women sometimes anymore.

You are all messed up is what I've concluded, you just need to find the least broken one.

Internet died

This was written like the day after the last one, didn't post till now because the internet died while I typed it. May be writing more tonight, not sure, still working on stuff.

Currently out at parents this weekend as a focus weekend because of tons of nursing stuff.

anyways, heres that last post:
Today we had accreditors come into the school to analyze the program and see if it meets up the nursing standards. Seems to have gone well.

I don't know what I'm typing, this isn't what I want to say.

I feel trapped in my own head, with no one to escape with or to, no knowledge of the the exit is. I'm trapped, it's not necessarily a bad thing, I enjoy my own company; I'm just getting sick of myself. I want to share my ideas and personal thoughts with someone.

I want intimacy.

I also hate women, so that's a bad thing.

I don't hate women, I hate some women.

It's always the women who I end up chasing, I can't find a good one, not a good one that will talk with me.

I'm normally a good "reader" of people, but when it comes to women, I may as well be an English speaking blind man trying to read Chinese.

I think its a hack joke, but women, are just not understandable in any sense. They're either all underhanded liars and conspirators who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others. Or they all have no idea what they actually want in life and listen to the liars and conspirators of the male side who hide their motives and ambitions to get ahead through exploitation of resources from others.

i.e women be gold-diggers and attention whores. They don't care about you, or me, or anyone but themselves.

Anyways. I'm getting to a point where I want to be an island. Solitude is bliss, I don't have to worry about shit. On the other hand, I would kill for one night of closeness with someone right now, someone I can trust and talk to, hold and lie next to. It's all I want, another human being to share life with, on a more personal level than friends.

So I fucked off on my doing for changing everything once again, but I have it semi-planned out, my organization is becoming stronger and I feel less overwhelmed, I did actually go to the library yesterday and did my Jarvis work so I'm happy about that.

Quick Procrastination for the greater good

Here is my problem.

I just want someone to want me back.

I feel like I have to hold all these strings together. I end up doing all the work trying to talk to one fucking person. I can't find a girl who wants to talk to me long enough to make me feel like a fucking human being.

I need a new word other than fucking. I should try to swear less specifically on these blogs posts.

I have a 6 page paper I should be writing, 10% though, not super bad. Seems straight forward enough. I can't think about it right now because my mind is being an invasive monster that keeps creeping forward with just general jealous and lonely feelings. I accept these. I'm used to it by now I guess. I didn't end up going out this weekend. 

my life is in shambles, i hate it

i want to see that counselor soon. I have an appointment on wednesday.

fuck. I mean a word that isn't a swear. 

New rule

If a girl doesn't say yes to me asking her out the first time or doesn't offer a reschedule she can go and fuck herself.

March 4th

I'm almost 21.

That is tomorrow.

I ended up fucking off on the whole write in this everyday. It's a lot harder than I thought trying to get stuff done.

I wrote a lot of what was coming up on my calender at home, helps my brain relax. I've changed my desktop to include a list of the upcoming assignments so I know what to expect.

I did end up going to the library a lot of the days, not every single one but most I would say. So one thing was accomplished.

I drank water some but supplemented Diet Coke for the caffeine when I needed to stay up till 3 am to write that 40% paper I talked about early (night before it was due).

I just did my presentation I was worried about, went better than I thought. I have another one on Thursday.

Clinical is tomorrow, just finished my care plan and pathocard so I feel somewhat prepared (as much as I am going to be prepared).

I am 21 tomorrow.
Officially an adult, even in Vegas.

I still feel like a teenager, but I'm changing, slowly, but its finally coming around I think.
90 day T-break from pot (June 3rd)
Work-out planning/schedule making is set for tomorrow after clinical; I may do some now while I'm in class

90 day goal for weight loss/fitness (pics will be taken at sis's house then, already marked on calender).
-will be restarting C25K
-will be YMCA in morning doing Stronglifts 5x5

I want to meditate
sitting in class, staring at asses. fucking yoga pants.

11:08 Feb 24th

I am going to try to journal on this daily from now on, think of this as a personal log/journal type thingy I guess.

Fuck that sounds dumb.

I have a midterm tomorrow I am unprepared for

I have a presentation some time this week I don't know anything about

I haven't started a paper that is due Friday

I am not sure if I have clinical this week or not, if I do not, then I am super fucking happy, I actually did not even really consider the option until now.

I have also been removing my contractions for the last few sentences because I am used to reading APA formatting now. It sounds weird in my head to type/read with contractions. 

Key Goals this week: however basic

Drink water every day, because I want to spend less money on soda, I want to drink healthier, and it has zero calories. Get a water bottle from the dollar store on Tuesday.

Do the drama warm up every morning, this will wake you up and hopefully help you get back on track exercising. 

Spend time at the school library every day this week, strict study time, head in the books. goals:

Work on paper that's due, presentation notes/slides, re-vamp your care plan, complete an in-depth pathocard template.

Meditate at night before bed, 5 minutes, calm rhythmic breathing, become peaceful then drift off.

This has been up in the background for a long time, I'm hearing music, but there is no music, it's fucking with my mind.

I think I shall go to bed now.

Jan 26th, 2013 - Jan 27th

I'm sitting here wondering what to type. I want my thoughts to have a proper prose to them. At the same time though, I want to just type with my eyes closed and see where it goes from there. When you let the mind wander long enough maybe it'll go places you never expected. You know, or something deep like that.

Either way, today's thought: why do I bother with women anymore?

Seriously. I'm going to end up contradicting myself probably because I've been drilling into my head that I'm not just a "nice guy" or some shit.

I'm pissed off. Every girl I talk to or try to get anywhere with doesn't reciprocate any interest. Maybe I'm just  doing it wrong and if I am, someone should teach me because holy fuck.

I'm getting ditched out, I get told okay, then no right before. Different girls, same fucking shit. I hate women. I feel I know I'm going after the wrong ones, but I still see no right ones.

I feel my life is supposed to be much different than this right now. I can't seem to shake that something will happen. But nothing does. Every time I come to blog because of a girl, or some shit. I feel lonely, depressed, this is the wall I talk to when no one's around. Because there is never anyone around.
---
That's what I wrote yesterday, I'm starting to feel more and more depressed and stressed out, it's hard not to focus on it when it seems to be affecting my ability to preform most of my basic tasks and my ability at playing games.