Lately...or today at least, I found myself not being jealous. Not being envious. I wasn't anything bad, I was happy for others, proud of their achievements. I didn't want them to not have it because I didn't have it. All it did was motivate me to improve myself to achieve things as great as that later in life.
I had a pool tournament tonight, I lost just before the semi-finals to my friend Dustin. He went on to 3rd place, he won 50 bucks and a spot in the paper. I'm proud of him, it's good. I want to practice pool more and hopefully be able to get close for next year, it sounds like they have a tourney every year at least.
I went for a run yesterday, I enjoy running. It's nice, peaceful, reminiscent of the walks I usually took. The buses I take don't offer enough contemplation to satisfy me. So the run is helpful. My knee seems to be getting better, although I should start stretching a bit more before I do my runs. What I need to focus more on is the strength training and dieting. I also need Calvin to take a no-homo photo of me so I can use that as my semi-before picture. I ate a bit more tonight than I should have. I blame that on the free food and stuff at the pool tourney.
Tomorrow morning I have a test that I should have studied for, I hope I do decent on it. I think most of it will be pretty common sense and if it's not, well then shit. Tomorrow night I should be going out with some friends to the Grizz. I might see if I can make a move on a girl Chris is bringing, I might feel bad though, I'm half-dating this girl Emily at the moment. We haven't discussed the legitimacy of our relationship yet but I think I'll bring it up on Saturday when she is supposed to be coming over next. Maybe I'll see if I can't connect with her a bit more.
Despite how shallow it seems, I seem to only focus on the bad parts of Emily because I don't find her all that attractive. I hate to say that, mostly because I'm desperate at this point. I feel if I can hold onto this, keep me sane for a bit while I sort out the rest of my life instead of focusing on loneliness for awhile that I'll be able to survive. I think that being with her might actually be a good idea. She seems like a decent person, a loving person, I just need more time with her I guess.
In other news, I've officially turned Native. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I shall hopefully be getting funding for next year, which means I'll be swimming in money and babes and cocaine. If I don't...well....OSAP it is. I'll keep you posted, I'm sending in my app's this next week.
I think I got most of the updates out of my head, nothing too introverted here. Just sort of a log of what's happened. This is a boring post, I need to write more interesting stuff later.
Friday, 24 February 2012
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Valentines Day
This post is probably not actually going to be about valentines day.
My recent reading of fight club has put me in a mood. Actually, the recent reading of fight club has enhanced the mood I've already been in. I'm not quite sure if its cynicism, depression, or something different altogether. I know for one thing, I'm not enjoying it.
There is something about lying beside someone, cuddling, kissing them, being awkward with them, and having a feeling of comfort and metaphorical warmth. All of that is nice.
I just did all of that, minus the comfort and metaphorical warmth. For some reason I feel weird, ashamed even. I feel like I've lied to someone. This person who I spent a few hours together with, on a romantic holiday, doing things that romantic people do. I felt pretty much nothing. I don't like that. This isn't me. I fall, and I fall hard. It isn't happening, it's not even happening a little bit. This scares me.
While talking I mentioned a few things here and there, asking about her looks. To be honest, she's pretty much the opposite of what I find attractive in a girl. Which sucks, I can't see her in a sexual way just yet. It's frustrating, this usually comes easily. I happened to be staring at her eyes, I hadn't complimented her just yet; I gut reactioned a "your eyes look pretty", something along those lines. Even I could tell it wasn't heart felt, nothing was there. I don't click with her, all she is to me is a person to be with. For some reason I think that is fine. I feel terrible.
This mood I'm in, its something. It's a weird purpose of sorts, I keep saying I will get into gear and do something. Clearly I'm saying it again, but I think I've been slapped in the face with reality a bit too much in recent times for myself to not actually get out there and do some shit.
I find myself muttering quotes from fight club, like some cultist, Calvin did this once. I can see why, it's kind of hypnotic in a way. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
I'm ending up narrating my life to myself during the events and overthinking it minutes afterwards, which is why this blog is sort of sparse. The sentences above are just slight random thoughts I'm getting, which is sad because I typically have a lot to say, but once I open the new post I just lose everything.
Not only that, but I repeat myself. This mood, it keeps me worried. Am I actually having a disorder, am I dysfunctional? I think I'm just normally fucked up, like everyone else. Is everyone else this fucked up? I was thinking to myself today, the people who seem the weirdest and the most fucked I've seen are the ones that are hung up on relationships, that's their life. It's either that or that's all the seemed to have mentioned to me. They're also usually bouncing from one meaningless thing to the next. At least this is how it's worked for the women I've seen. Men usually fall into the whole friendzone circle where they continuously bitch about that.
Lately I've been psyching myself up, I'm slowly but surely improving at life. Seems like a weird thing to say. Well I wouldn't normally ask a girl out or make any sort of move at all. I asked the bus chick out, got turned down but fuck it, I asked didn't I? That's an improvement, it's not the successes that make you better its the mistakes. I kissed Emily, sure, I didn't feel into it, my penis was into it, but he's into anything. I still made the move. I'm becoming more comfortable around people in general. It's sort of becoming a habit to talk to the cashiers I happen across, a small chit-chat if I can. I'll learn how to spark conversation soon enough.
I ran the other day...I guess week by now, fuck. But christ, it was good, I'm going to run more, tomorrow actually. M/W/F running, T/T/S workouts is what I'm doing starting technically later tonight. The only thing I'm worried about for that is my knee, it should get better over time is what I'm hoping for. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to be able to pick and choose and have a reason for my stupidly high standards and judgments towards people. For some reason I feel like typically being healthier, fitter, and better looking than someone provides the perpetual high horse I demand.
I think that is about that for tonight. I'm going to put more later, tomorrow or the next night. I might start writing stories depending on my mood as well...those stories might end up being memories but whatever.
My recent reading of fight club has put me in a mood. Actually, the recent reading of fight club has enhanced the mood I've already been in. I'm not quite sure if its cynicism, depression, or something different altogether. I know for one thing, I'm not enjoying it.
There is something about lying beside someone, cuddling, kissing them, being awkward with them, and having a feeling of comfort and metaphorical warmth. All of that is nice.
I just did all of that, minus the comfort and metaphorical warmth. For some reason I feel weird, ashamed even. I feel like I've lied to someone. This person who I spent a few hours together with, on a romantic holiday, doing things that romantic people do. I felt pretty much nothing. I don't like that. This isn't me. I fall, and I fall hard. It isn't happening, it's not even happening a little bit. This scares me.
While talking I mentioned a few things here and there, asking about her looks. To be honest, she's pretty much the opposite of what I find attractive in a girl. Which sucks, I can't see her in a sexual way just yet. It's frustrating, this usually comes easily. I happened to be staring at her eyes, I hadn't complimented her just yet; I gut reactioned a "your eyes look pretty", something along those lines. Even I could tell it wasn't heart felt, nothing was there. I don't click with her, all she is to me is a person to be with. For some reason I think that is fine. I feel terrible.
This mood I'm in, its something. It's a weird purpose of sorts, I keep saying I will get into gear and do something. Clearly I'm saying it again, but I think I've been slapped in the face with reality a bit too much in recent times for myself to not actually get out there and do some shit.
I find myself muttering quotes from fight club, like some cultist, Calvin did this once. I can see why, it's kind of hypnotic in a way. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
I'm ending up narrating my life to myself during the events and overthinking it minutes afterwards, which is why this blog is sort of sparse. The sentences above are just slight random thoughts I'm getting, which is sad because I typically have a lot to say, but once I open the new post I just lose everything.
Not only that, but I repeat myself. This mood, it keeps me worried. Am I actually having a disorder, am I dysfunctional? I think I'm just normally fucked up, like everyone else. Is everyone else this fucked up? I was thinking to myself today, the people who seem the weirdest and the most fucked I've seen are the ones that are hung up on relationships, that's their life. It's either that or that's all the seemed to have mentioned to me. They're also usually bouncing from one meaningless thing to the next. At least this is how it's worked for the women I've seen. Men usually fall into the whole friendzone circle where they continuously bitch about that.
Lately I've been psyching myself up, I'm slowly but surely improving at life. Seems like a weird thing to say. Well I wouldn't normally ask a girl out or make any sort of move at all. I asked the bus chick out, got turned down but fuck it, I asked didn't I? That's an improvement, it's not the successes that make you better its the mistakes. I kissed Emily, sure, I didn't feel into it, my penis was into it, but he's into anything. I still made the move. I'm becoming more comfortable around people in general. It's sort of becoming a habit to talk to the cashiers I happen across, a small chit-chat if I can. I'll learn how to spark conversation soon enough.
I ran the other day...I guess week by now, fuck. But christ, it was good, I'm going to run more, tomorrow actually. M/W/F running, T/T/S workouts is what I'm doing starting technically later tonight. The only thing I'm worried about for that is my knee, it should get better over time is what I'm hoping for. I want to be healthy, I want to look good, I want to be able to pick and choose and have a reason for my stupidly high standards and judgments towards people. For some reason I feel like typically being healthier, fitter, and better looking than someone provides the perpetual high horse I demand.
I think that is about that for tonight. I'm going to put more later, tomorrow or the next night. I might start writing stories depending on my mood as well...those stories might end up being memories but whatever.
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