I keep thinking I'd want this blog to be a log of how I'm feeling during my many phases, I'd call myself somewhat bi-polar or at least spastic in my moods most weeks. The thing I thought would be cool about a log would be to see what is affecting me the most in my life and how I dealt with it, sort of a record of my lessons to myself. Seems overly complicated because it is, think of this as a memory sheet for stupid shit I shouldn't do again or a memory sheet that I'll laugh at (or become sad over) later in life.
Where should I start...
Well I guess I can say I'm getting into the habit of somewhat dieting now, I'm watching what I'm eating carefully although I do slip sometimes but the slip typically doesn't account for much in the long run so I'm not too worried, slow and steady. I'd like to eat less to quicken the shedding of pounds but I dunno if I could do it. Most of the "snacks" in my house are what some people would call meals so I often find myself eating a meal a few hours before my actual dinner. The way I get around this is by packing away about half or so of the dinner my mom cooks. I've been raised to clear my plate and in my head that means eat until nothing is left even if you are stuffed, no food to waste. if I see a plate with food on it (unless it's food a very much dislike) I will eat it only to satisfy that urge to clear a plate. I don't know if that could be considered a disorder of some kind but whatever, I'm working on it.
I need to work out more, I keep telling myself to go for a bike ride and end up not doing it throughout the day. Although at night I get this urge to go for a bike ride, I'm a night owl anyway, but I'm afraid of biking at night because of cars and such (country roads with speeders up the ass) not to mention my parents probably wouldn't want me out there either and the bugs would rape me. I can still do my weight sessions but I'm a bit lax on them as well, but I just have to sit down and do them, they're not hard its just that I have to do them. The bad part is I'm pretty sure I've got a case of carpal tunnel so my wrist is hurting like a bitch which might cause some difficulty with some of the exercises....but that's an excuse I realize as I type this out, that's why the log is important, some myself my excuses and get over them...hopefully.
I still don't have a job which I'm sure is getting on the nerves of some people (sorry Calvin). Next time my mom and I go into Napanee I'll drop by Canadian Tire and hopefully be hired...I hate looking for a job. Everywhere I've handed out a resume or filled out an application hasn't responded back. What's wrong with me? Or is it just some sort of economy thing? Either way, fuck that shit, this only strengthens my resolve to become a doctor and know I'll have a job.
This weekend should be fun, my sister and I are having a bonfire/camp out at our house. She's invited a lot of her friends and a lot of my friends should be coming as well. Drunk games of man hunt and drinking games with fire while surrounded by a forest sounds like my kind of fun. Tomorrow I have to go into the woods with my sis and tag some of the more dangerous areas so we know where to go/avoid. Anyways maybe someone will bring someone I don't know who I can insert my penis in.
Speaking of that, recently I've begun to kind of just...I guess feel sad, lonely is the better word. I keep wanting some girl in my room to talk to or watch movies with, I miss that. I'm content though honestly, but I find myself thinking about having a chick just there to talk to and memories of talking with the ex until 3am keep pestering me while I sleep. A couple nights ago I had a dream about her where we were still together and... oh what happened? Something, I remember being happy though (she was less of a bitch in my dream at least). Those types of dreams aren't helping my state of mind. I think I might have caught myself in some sort of multiple personality thing 2 days ago. I was cleaning my room and making my bed just mindlessly and I stopped and unconsciously thought "She was right, I was wrong", no context, just out of the blue, I don't remember thinking of anything before that I didn't really talk to anyone that day about anything. I was just cleaning my room, stopped and heard that sentence in my head. The more I'm stuck here by myself without fast enough internet to scream at kids on xbox or my computer the more I think I'm going crazy. That little tidbit kind of confirmed it to me.
My friends seem to want to get into the habit of going out to bars and clubs on the weekends, which I don't mind in a way. I know it'll be good for us, it's out of our comfort zone to say the least. The only thing I don't like is it confirms everything I dislike about society. On Steve's birthday I was just watching the interactions of the gorillas and whores and it's ridiculous. Just walk up behind a girl, hump her a bit and then you're golden. I don't understand and I don't want to, these are not the girls I'm looking for, I know I don't want a one night stand despite all my "I wanna bang so many chicks" mentality, I want a girlfriend. I enjoy the connection with someone in other ways than just my penis. Sadly it seems those type of girls are exactly like me, hiding behind a computer until 3am at night. Which makes me think I have to embrace my nerdiness more.
I want a nerd girl? I have to go to nerd functions. Every action I seem to make is made to offend the least number of people and create a stagnant image of normality to everyone I meet. I should be doing what I love rather than try to love what others consider normal. I was thinking the other day of this topic, I kept thinking of hipsters and all this "I hate that" or "I liked that before now they're sell outs" or something like that right? I said to myself "I hate hipsters", but I thought for a second how retarded my mentality for defining myself is. I tried to describe myself to myself and couldn't think of anything other than a list of basically who I don't want to associate with. I defined myself by what I hate rather than what I love. Tangent: The first time I met Tom he asked me if I liked anime, I said no I dislike most of it, and I was ready to say more about it before he could convince me it was "totally awesome man". But he didn't try to convince me, he just said "Oh that's cool, I like a lot of it." and that was that, I thought it was surprising. Basically, he didn't force me to try his stuff, he just went on with his life. I don't know why I thought it was so groundbreaking but it hit me weird, I was waiting for a forced opinion and didn't get one. Wow I repeat myself a lot, whatever.
Basically the end of that thought is, I should embrace what I love despite what others think, the good people/friends will follow.
Did I forget anything? I don't think so, I'll hopefully post next week at least if any thoughts have popped up and stuck in my head, otherwise you'll miss out on most of the debate.
-Marz
