Sunday, 24 April 2011

It's called will power. I'll get it somehow.

Okay, since it's Easter and I'm coming off a drinking/chocolate binge from the weekend I feel like a fatass. Not only that but we didn't manage to make it to the clubs. Our friend's fake I.D was taken after Calvin and I had the "totally awesome" idea of going to the casino. Apparently they have this thing called security, and they're pretty strict about the minors. Long story short, they gave us a huge break and basically just left us with a warning and a funny story of almost all of us getting criminal records in one shot.

But I don't think that's what this post is supposed to be about. What should it be about? My sense of willpower. I'm one of those people who keep saying they're going to do something and then don't do it...and I know that. Every time I think about my exercising/"diet" I keep thinking that I'm not doing it enough (I'm not, I keep "forgetting" to do it). Either way, this has to stop...I need to build my willpower to just stick with things. For starters I have to stop eating the boredom away, my life long habit of opening the fridge or pantry when having nothing else to do needs to be broken. I think getting a job would help with this (no call from walmart yet...still holding out hope) because I'd have my mind on something else and I wouldn't be at home, but never the less I need to control it.

Beside that point is that I need to learn how to approach girls and people in general. I preach a lot about trying to get what you want but when the time comes that I need to speak up I never do. I don't know why I do this. If I had to say its because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, afraid of failure and afraid of the judgments of others about my failure. I need to learn how to accept my crashing and burning, understand that I'm not perfect and that no one can be. I just need practice...but I feel weird doing that in front of my friends...I just...ugh, I don't know. I need to talk to more people. If I talk to more people I'll be more comfortable talking to others and thus it will ease my approach anxiety and my problems of talking to strangers (a lesson drilled into my head by my parents).

I might ... christ, stupid words and thoughts. Just type it, it's not that hard, commit motherfucker.

I might just go into town and have myself a field day. By myself walk around town, walk into the shops, talk to people in line, talk to the people just looking at stuff. God I feel nervous already. Theres nothing saying I have to only talk to girls (pretty girls) in fact, most of the people in my god forsaken town are pretty ugly to begin with so it'll make good practice. I might also run into my local "stoner" group, they have really hot chicks there. I've seen them walking around occasionally so it might be good to find a local teen group that could possibly party often (our other stoner group doesn't like us too much anymore). Either way...I have to do that...and I probably can now that I think about it...My sis' boyfriend is basically living with us now and he has a G2 meaning a ride into the town and I can call him up for a ride back whenever. I need to set my hours though and I need to commit to this. I don't care if I crash and burn, I will probably not see these people again and if I do who cares right? They don't like me? fuck them I got every other person in town.

Sigh. I need to do this, I need to, I can't just keep saying it. I'll figure out a date for my "field day" tomorrow. Other than that I've half-rehauled my exercise routine again. In essence I'm scraping the weights for more running. I like running and I think cardio would be more important to me at this stage. Either way, updates tomorrow, I'll tell you what the run is like and all that bullshit. Fuck life, but mostly nervousness.

-Marz

Monday, 18 April 2011

I sit here, flossing my teeth. Stay Classy.

No, I don't know why its titled that.

I have to say, cutting a couch in half is pretty fun. I don't how the movers got it in here in the first place but I certainly got it the hell out. I now have a love seat in its place. That might be bad news for someone who has to nap on it (it's not, its actually really comfortable despite lacking leg room) but it'll hopefully be good news for controlling my awkwardness once I get a girl in here.

At the moment I really need to clean my room, mostly due to my weights being everywhere and my general lack of using them. I'd have done my bench presses if not for the plates covering my bench. I've switched up my routine yet again to adapt both the majority's, my dad's and apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's mentality (having "body part" days) and to include some necessary cardio/fat burning exercises (Interval running). My plan is to use the weights M/W/F and run T/T/Sun, Saturday being my rest day because I'll probably be fucking around in town with friends. The good thing with this plan is that it shortens the amount of time I'll actually be working out, my running should be between 20-30 minutes at most (and half of it is not very much effort) and my weights are done after 2-4 exercises depending on how I switch it up. Another good thing is this forces me to shower, which is a habit I am still trying to work into myself. I guess I just don't like being naked.

In other news, I have my G1 picture drivers license. I can finally prove that I am me. I dropped by Walmart today, who are in a surprising and lucky twist still hiring (Thank ya Jesus). They copied my shit down so they can run the back round tests and now I play the waiting game yet again. She said the manager is back in Wednesday so that's probably when I'll be getting the call. Hopefully this will translate into busy work days, and lots of money with which to spend on bitches...or lots of cool gadgets, that'd be good too.

I'm happy to have my actual license now because it makes it easier for me to get into bars now (something my friends and I are getting into the habit of doing). This upcoming Saturday we'll be heading out to this club for my friends birthday, the first time we'll have gone to one. I feel like I should watch some Keys to the V.I.P to bone up on my game...cause I have lots of that. Talking to my dad about it makes me feel a bit more comfortable, again he preaches the "You're not there to impress anyone" mentality and that has festered quite beautifully in my mind. It's allowed me to unfocus on having/needing a relationship and instead focus on myself. Sounds selfish but its not, I just have a terrible vocabulary. I think I'm a nice guy I'm not actively going out to ruin peoples day with my arrogance. I'm not at douchebag levels of egotisicalism yet and don't plan to be. I'm basically there to go with my friends, to look at hot girls and generally have a good time. In the words of my dad "I never really had to go up to girls, just look like you're having fun and they'll come up to you".

We started talking about the new generation of youth and about how girls are more daring which makes me a bit optimistic for my vagina hunting night. I told him that my sister and I are the except to the majority, most youth don't/can't talk to their parents about shit which made him and I kind of sad, I will make my kids into my definition of "normal" and no matter how over-protective that sounds that's not what you're picturing. My parents were very very lax with their rules on my sister and I and I think that's what helped. I swear most of the people I know stir shit up specifically to "rebel" which just seems retarded to me, not to mention a lot of them don't seem to respect their parents. My dad started to feed me some tips on how to stay safe (read: gave me a healthy dose of paranoia) but he clarified by saying "I'm just telling you the stuff you won't know until its too late, you already know how to have fun". I almost asked about how to have fun, sometimes I don't think I know, I feel like the odd one out when we got out on the town, but I guess practice makes perfect.

Did that last sentence make sense? Do I give a crap? This is mostly a log on my thoughts. Anyways, my main focus is on weight loss and job gaining (yes I know I've been saying that for two months). I think I am losing a bit more weight, but its slower than what it was, which is my reason for adding the cardio. The "afterburn" effect is what I had a lot with my previous endeavors but that doesn't happen with the "Arnold" workout, but I know that running causes it with me. Not to mention I would like to boost my breathing capabilities and endurance, hopefully ridding me of my asthma.

Okay, I think that's it, if I have anything to report or any thoughts I should be posting tomorrow, otherwise its whenever I feel like.

-Marz

Friday, 15 April 2011

Internet.

My internet sucks. The speeds are ridiculous. According to my dad we're paying for the highest they offer (according to their site this is 5Mb - mega bits - a second). That claim is absolute bullshit. They throttle speeds when you P2P which I don't mind because they at least admit it. The problem is that they're throttling me (I believe) even though my P2P is way way way below my limit. Not only that they also say that they check every 15 minutes to limit whoever is eating more bandwidth (to keep the servers running, again fine, keep the servers up but I'm not doing anything. So far its been about 30-40 minutes since I turned off uTorrent (average speed of about 30Kbs a second) and my speed tests are still showing crap (Average ping : 1300-1700, average download speed : 0.08 Mbs (megabits), average upload : 0.10 Mbs). Now lets do math everybody, because I think I might call these pricks soon since we are really not getting what we're paying for. I'll remember to spam speed tests tomorrow before uTorrenting at all to double check results and present them to my dad.

What we're supposed to be getting (my assumption according to dad and website):
5 Megabits a second.
What we're getting (according to speedtest.net)
0.08 Megabits a second

Okay, more math to translate that into the figures most people understand/use.
5 Megabits to Megabytes = 0.625 Megabytes
0.08 Megabits to Megabytes = 0.01 Megabytes


0.625 MB to KB = 640 KB
0.01 MB to KB = 10.24 KB

I will say again, that is fucking bullshit. I'm not doing anything but internet surfing right now. I'm the only person online (the only other person I could see being online is my sister, and she'd be streaming youtube at most). I understand that the 5Mbs is supposed to be maximum with other factors coming into play, but even with other factors I don't believe that I'm getting such a shitty speed. This basically means I can't stream videos without waiting triple the video length sometimes more, I can't play any online games because it's either too laggy or I'm immediately kicked for high ping, and I also can't download any games/movies very fast (uTorrent is by far the fastest thing I can do but it's still slower than I'd like) which means I can't easily acquire the single player games which would keep me busy/less whiny.

Anyways, I'll be talking to my dad tomorrow after more research. On another note my mom goes into surgery tomorrow (something about uterus cancer) I'm kind of worried, but I don't think I should be, apparently its a pretty safe surgery (I think). Hopefully all goes well.

-Marz

Friday, 1 April 2011

What was I doing again?

Right, I have to write, I forgot. What was my last post? Something about an interview and my college preview day. Okay I got this shit.

Well first things first my interview went pretty well. The girl interviewing me half-talked me through how to do an interview properly and having never done one before it was a nice overall experience. Anyways, they have to do a background check and gather my references. The sad thing is, to get a background check I need a driver license. Now this is both good and bad, she told me that I should call her when I get my driver license (I said I'd be getting it in the next week) and that also means that my parents will have to get me my license ASAP.

We've been trying to get my license all day today. I went to the driving place today three times and had my mom cry with frustration about 2 of those times. The first time going was just us not having enough time to stay in line (my sister had a doctors appointment). Then an hour later we go and learn that my health card is not enough identification and we need my birth certificate. So we drive back to our house (45 minutes) grab and drive back into town (another 45 minutes) get to the place and wait in line for about 20 minutes. We go up to the counter while I hand my health card and birth certificate to the worker. She looks at my BC and my health card and says she can't take my health card because it has a hole in it.

The reason there's a hole in it is because I was changing my organ donor status because I figure if I'm going to randomly die, someone should live. The hole is there just to tell you it's going to be changed/that its still a temp health card until my new one arrives. I honestly did that yesterday which is why its so infuriating that I couldn't get my damn license today because of it, I should change my status to make sure that my organs don't go to government workers. This still surprises me though, how can it not be used to identify me. It has my signature, my picture, my name and birth date. If you're worried about some kind of mistake compare it to my birth certificate and check, it's pretty hard to forge a BC I'd imagine. Not to mention WHY THE FUCK WOULD I FORGE DOCUMENTS FOR A FUCKING DRIVING TEST???? Anyways, I have to go back on Monday, visit my grandpapa who is an engineer and can be a guarantee-r (I have no idea how to spell it), I need one instead of waiting for my new card to come. Hopefully that'll work out, its a fucking driving test not a goddamn bank robbery.

The college preview day was more important to me anyways. This was a day I got to size up the difficultly of the classes I'm going into, the teachers, the students and the school in general. This was the day where I got to see who I was going to put on my "Must fuck" list. So the way this worked was that you were put into an assembly, got a general introduction of "We're awesome, welcome to such and such, thanks for the money" and then you separated into your various programs of choice. My sister's assembly happened about 3 hours before mine did so I spent the majority of my day in the cafe with my mom. She did her work while I observed the students walking around and the new ones walking with their guides. Basically I was comparing girl-guy ratios, the good looking guy-bad looking guy ratios, good looking girl-bad looking girl ratios, and single-relationship ratios. It seems to be in my favor, my foresight and luck led me to a college with a lot of "Did bad in high school? No problem" courses, so you have some of the standard jock affair to contend with but a lot of it in terms of guys are either ugly outcast types or fat lonely guys eating a buffet to themselves (I saw one, I felt bad for him). The few girls with the uglies weren't worth a second glance anyways.

The girl ratios seemed to be great though, a lot of the programs focus on vet stuff (girl bait) or hair styling/fashion. I managed to make myself blush, I saw some sexy red head from across the room, immediately looked at her course "Vet Tech" and then said to myself "Fuck, that's Holly", I've always had a sort of huge boner for her but she has a boyfriend so she's off limits. Anyways, I called her over because I wanted to talk to her and she mentioned there's about two guys in her course. I was over-joyed as was her boyfriend, both of us for different reasons. With more girls there's less chance of guys doing Holly (BF's view), with more girls there's more to do for me which Holly will introduce me to (My view). The good looking-bad looking was also good, you were either super hot, hot, or the fattest ugliest thing I've ever seen while stuffing a buffet into your mouth surrounded by hot chicks (the fat friend). Seriously, she was fucking hideous, I kind of laughed to myself, she looked like a fatter Amanda (also, that's a no go right now so no more developments).

Okay, so I go to my assembly finally looking around at everybody in the room, mostly worried I'd run into my Ex, I don't know why I had such an irrational fear. For some reason I thought she would wind up in my course just so god could throw another bucket of shit in my face. Thankfully I didn't see, problem being that I was in the second group of people in my course and the first group was apparently massive (meaning I didn't quite get the numbers for ratios I was looking for nor got to see if she did happen to spite me). The ratio for girl-guy seemed good, only one other guy who was probably the biggest looking nerd/douche guy I saw, sounds weird to put those two words together but that's how it seemed. Think "I'm better than you because I wear glasses", that's how he looked so I could only generalize. I ran into someone I know who was taking the course, she's from my middle school so I kind of caught up. I apparently "look great" which made me smile (go weight loss). There was one guy, and two girls (omfg drool the girls were hot as hell jizz self). At least the girls leading us around were, there was two ridiculously hot girls (both shy and cute as ARGH I WANT TO BONE THEM) and at least one fugly one. So far I like my course, I didn't really get an understanding of the ratio for the first group no one said any generalizing statements that could extrapolate into something.

The course itself is apparently balls hard and I have to work my ass off for the first semester (no problem, it's all shit I've done, I honestly just have to show up and hand work in, no learning necessary). They try to make it hard because the secondary program that I'm going into is insane (It's actually a university course, being offered at a college. Side Note: reason I'm going here, I get to be smart and fuck lots of dumb hotties). I'm not too worried for this upcoming year, again I just have to show up (I've honestly learned all the stuff before, some of the second semester stuff will be new but most of it shall be review) and showing up won't be hard considering this is for my future of being a doctor something that actually matters to me. I finally have that "drive" people talk about, most of the "drive" being that "I get mad pussy bro".

The residence also looks sweet, I'm taking a double so I get a roommate (making myself more social) and the double room are actually pretty big and nice. They have a somewhat dividing wall between the two beds (I thought it would basically be a big square room so I'd end up watching my roommate have sex every single time). We get our own fridge and bathroom and some beds which I guess I have to prop up myself. The room we were in used milk crates so I might try stock piling those soon. Anyways I'm really excited for this upcoming year the only thing I'm ticked about it the drivers license but that's going to be solved Monday.

I'll be heading out to my friends place this weekend so I don't expect to be updating while I'm there, not that I was expecting to update anyways as I am being lazy. Side Note: I'm thinking about starting a dream journal/log here, I'll be writing it in a book beside my bed but I might transfer it over here just so its double ingrained into my head. This apparently helps with dream recall which leads to lucid dreaming, figure I'll try it out. Damn this is a long post.

-Marz out