I was staring at this page for about 5 minutes before typing this trying to think of what to say; I no longer want the/this blog to be essentially me rambling without a point...despite this post being exactly that...again...
Once again I sit here, drinking, typing, talking and thinking to myself. An echo chamber.
No new thoughts come in, no ideas expanded on in meaningful ways. I begin to realize I need people in my life to develop.
The idea that I dislike or hate most people erupts from the veins in my mind; most people end up ignoring me or passing off my words without listening... I imagine scenarios of me giving a solution to closed ears only for someone else to eventually land at the same conclusion and thus gain the credit. This happens frequently.
The more time I've spent on this Earth, the more I've seemingly disliked my existence as horrible as that is to say. I've tried to keep at least a kernel of hope alive within myself by I fear the time is coming when my hope is lost...and I'm truly in the wind.
Shit has hit the fan...and its not even mine.
As the days dwindle in numbers and the darkness crawls closer I draw up sadistic plans in my head; the past days have been filled with combat footage and hate-fueled propaganda. I realize what this does to the psyche. I built up rage against people who have not wronged me; in reality, no one has wronged me only myself. Which is why I hate myself.
I've been trying to inject myself into the system for mental health help...its not exactly effective. My clinical days remind me how I would have reacted...to myself even, I would have done the same hearing myself. I sound like a fucking lunatic in person now I'm so isolated.
I'd ring peoples necks to get them to hear me, to listen, converse; and at the same time I want nothing to deal with them.
What the hell is this foil shit, humans are supposed to be social, that's why everyone else is social. Isn't that why I type on this wall in the hopes someone will eventually stumble upon (honestly unintentional plug) it. Seriously, jesus christ I was about the fucking berate myself again....in my head, typing it on this wall fuck me.
Back to the point (what was that?). I'm pretty sure I'm crazy...in some way, or just...not a productive member of society? My self worth is essentially nothing at this point; I was willing to get a gun and join whatever cause came first. Preferably a violent uprising within Canada against the government (fully unlikely unless some terrible economic shit hit to make people lose jobs).
My loss of hope for the future, or atleast my preferred vision of it (...you know, not homeless and dying) stems obviously from the tattered remains of my plans for a future. I'm drifting in the wind, rocked by the shattered realization that I should have probably killed myself 5 years ago to spare myself the pain of these past 5 years. Nothing has gotten better and everything has gotten worse. Quite literally from the day I was born both for myself and my family.
I hate this world and this society. I want a gun a cause and people to shoot if only to feel alive for a few minutes before my view goes black.
God this is grim.
I'm hopeless, but Alive.
